Hello all and thank you for what you do.
On Nov. 13 2011, I saw a CSW. She didnt have condoms, but she sent me to a gas station, telling me "we have to be safe". She performed oral with condom, I fingered her, and then we had intercourse for 15 to 20 minutes. Towards the end, when I reached orgasm, my penis came out with the condom still on, but I re-inserted, and then it came out again (still with condom on). I finally was able to do a couple more strokes to finish and the condom never came off. When I pulled out, the condom seemed fine, but didnt notice *** in it... maybe cause my orgasm was interrupted? Then it started wrinkling a little and hanging down, but probably because it was drying up and I was losing erection. She removed the condom with a paper towel and disposed it, so I couldnt inspect anymore.
I felt really guilty because I had never done anything like that. My now ex-wife had left me for another guy. It was a difficult time. About 10 days or so after my encounter with the csw, I started to have night sweats, which would scare me, but then I would see posts here where the sweats are described as being of the drenching kind, and always with a noticeable fever. Since my night sweats were not like that, it gave me comfort. The sweats continued (only symptom) on and off for 8 months. I would have them for a day or two, then they wouldn't come back for weeks or a month. Some would be very mild (just a damp neck), others would leave my shirt damp on my chest or on my back. My mattress has a small sweat stain now. I had considerable anxiety the first couple of months, but never tested because from the posts here I saw that it was not needed. I also saw that sweats could be caused by anxiety and acid reflux, and it so happens that in some of the night sweats I had, I had consumed heavy fatty foods.
I have done much better with the anxiety over all. The only thing that fuels my anxiety from time to time is that I keep hearing the word HIV out there. I went back to school to finally get a degree, and in a class, I saw two presentations on HIV, then students talked about a speech by Mary Fisher, then I hear about it on the news, or friends joke about it. Sometimes I would hear HIV three or four times in one week. I thought it was just coincidence, so I put it in the back of my mind. I noticed my tongue is white, but I also read that stress causes dry mouth and white tongue and smoking does, too. And I do smoke. I have tried dating, but haven't had sex. Im normally okay when dating, but at times I worry I could pass on HIV to a nice woman out there, and that fuels my anxiety for a day or so.
A few weeks ago, I called the csw and asked her her status. She said she was clean and that she uses protection always. I asked her when was the last time she tested. She said she got tested when she gave blood (donated or simple HIV test? I dont know, didnt ask) 3 or 4 months ago. That made me feel a little better.
There are a couple of reasons Im here. I recognize that my mind may not be acting objectively. I understand that coming to the forums only fuels anxiety. But I also thought that maybe be posting my story and just writing it might help me feel better. I would appreciate opinions from others because as I said, I would like an objective opinion. Here are the facts as I understand them:
- I dont need testing, cause I never had a risk. My condom didnt break, because when they break, they do so catastrophically. I would have noticed when my penis came out and when I grabbed it to reinsert it, twice! I would have known, and she would have known and said something when she removed it.
- Fingering is not a risk.
- The night sweats are a symptom of anxiety, not HIV infection. They lasted too long (on and off for 8 months) and I never had a fever that I know of.
- My mind is alert to HIV. Reading or hearing about it is not a sign and does not mean Im infected, it just means that my mind is alert and anxious to it.
- Symptoms don't mean anything anyway, especially when I was protected.
- I had NO risk. I dont need an HIV test, I need to move on and put this behind me.
Do I have the facts correct?
As I said, I only get this anxiety from time to time. So I wanted to post here and share this with you. I think this will help me. Sorry for the long post. And please know that your work here is a blessing to many people. I wish you a happy holiday and all the best for the new year. Hope to hear from someone soon.