Aa
Getting out of control
Hi, I hope I am allowed to post on this forum after asking questions elsewhere.
My 'exposure' has been described as low risk to no risk on both prevention forums, nevertheless the wait for the testing period to expire, along with various tribulations along the way has really taken its toll, I don't really know where to turn other than here. I am guessing the point of this forum is to discuss anxieties but not take up the resource of the prevention forums, but if I am overstepping the mark please just advise. I just want to talk through this episode, as there is no one else I talk to. I think this web site is amazing, it has helped me through more than anything else, and I do not want to upset or anger anyone here. I am desperate though, so please forgive any transgressions which are not intended.
Apologies for the length of the post, but if this is like a group discussion this is my story.
I had a stupid very drunken exposure with a Thai csw five and a half weeks ago. I believed the three instances of vaginal insertion were condom protected but a multitude of 'what if's' have set in since then, perhaps because the mists of time have obscured any real recollection. The girl provided the condoms, and I did not have to ask her to supply them, which I understand bodes well in terms of her wanting to protect herself. That said, I have read horror stories about Thai condoms, and I was too drunk to notice whether they were intact throughout. On the balance of probabilities I do not remember anything amiss per se, and nor do I remember her reacting in anyway to suggest they failed, but again the horrible creeping 'what if's' have constantly played on my mind, not least because many people seem to question the integrity of cheaper Thai condoms. I do not know what brand they were, they were red, and fitted my average sized western penis without feeling strange or anything.
I also performed cunnilingus on her, and she did fellatio on me, both unprotected, but everyone on this site seems pretty adamant that they carry such miniscule risk as to be no risk. I believe that then, and accordingly have ignored conflicting advice elsewhere I have read.
I was in Thailand until last weekend when I returned to the UK. I was tested 7 days after the exposure for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, both of which returned negative. However, at that point I was experiencing sensitivity in my penis and was told I had an infection from gram positive cocci. The Dr (whose English was not brilliant) suggested that this would have been likely passed on by oral sex, gave me antibiotics, and it cleared up quickly. Nevertheless, to have contracted something from that evening scared me very much, and further I did not have a clue what it was other than some form of UTI? I have not to date exhibited any sores suggestive of herpes.
I was in Thailand for diving (Koh Tao), and just over a week later (i.e. just past 2 weeks post exposure) I developed a middle ear infection (acute otic barotis). Whilst this is not uncommon amongst divers, and the island renowned for bacteria in both the sea water and fresh water used for washing, I of course immediately panicked at another infection. A different Dr assured me it was pretty common, gave me more antibiotics, and again the problem resolved as expected. Two infections in such quick succession did send my mind into overdrive though.
Around this time I also developed a sensitive tongue. However, my traveling companion did also, and we were both smoking to excess (in my case through fear) and in an unfamiliar warm environment. As soon as I returned to the UK my tongue returned to normal like magic. I have always had quite a white tongue, and occasional canker sores etc, especially when stressed, so I am reading less into this than I was as it seems okay in this environment.
I have had various pains, off and on, in my groin and under my arms (especially my left underarm, but sometimes also my right). It has been difficult to pinpoint the pain, it comes and goes and I cannot find any swelling. It is like an ache sometimes, other times a discomfort or vague feeling, and comes and goes. I have long had a pain in the left of groin which has been checked throughout my life with no reason identified. I am worried because now I also get twinges in the right. I have also had tender soles of the feet (I only noticed that after I had walked a long distance though). I can feel no lumps or swellings in any of these locations, despite my compulsive checking.
I have a history of health anxiety, but not usually with such a defined reason as this.
I flew home on Monday gone (just over 5 weeks post expsure). I fell asleep on the plane and awoke suddenly with a bad pain in my neck and throat. I checked everything for swelling/lumps and felt nothing obvious. I have had the same off and on since, with what feels like tight muscular pain at various places on my neck and throat, and down to my shoulders. I do not have a sore throat, well maybe slightly at times (although I am smoking more than usual), but very mild, and I do feel a bit like I want to cough on occasion (dry and tickly). Sometimes my ears feel strange. I think I am very tense, but of course I am telling myself this is ARS rather than anxiety. My nose has been a bit runny today, but it often is. This neck thing has really frightened me though, I was starting to cope until that came on, but it feels quite bad. I have had some alcohol tonight and feel slightly better, but I am still aware of my neck.
I have not been aware of having a temperature during any of this time, and do not generally feel dizzy or nauseous. Today my skin has been a bit itchy in places but I can see no signs of a rash, and I have broken out into sweats at each really nervous moment. I pray these are manifestations merely of anxiety. I got no sleep last night, so have felt a bit fatigued today.
I enquired about testing as soon as I got home. Owing to the Easter holiday period I cannot get tested until next week. I will go (god knows how), and it will be a DUO test (6 weeks, some say definitive, although I intend a 3 month test too if needs be). Today I was put in a state of flux by reading a poster on Medhelp who stated that maybe 10% of csw's in Pattaya, Thailand (different island), had HIV, it freaked me out. This, along with my symptoms, and sketchy recollections about condoms, and my worries about Thai condoms, have convinced me more than ever that I have contracted HIV.
Everyone I have spoken to in Koh Tao says I shouldn't worry, some of whom use that particular girly bar a lot, but I know nothing about it other than I shouldn't have gone there when drunk.
I am petrified that I am either about to exhibit full on ARS symptoms and these symptoms were the build up, or alternatively my stress and anxiety are going to get the better of me before I can get my test results (10 days after testing). Either way I need some kind of hope to get me through. I know that the odds are on my side, and hopefully I was even protected, but the infections and symptoms seem overwhelming. Can anyone reading this dispassionately help me get some perspective, or am I right to panic? Have I succumbed to anxiety or does it sound like I am exhibiting early (an classic) HIV symptoms? In the past I have often displayed hypochondriac derived physical symptoms of things when anxious, does that sound like where I am, or do I sound like I have contracted HIV?
Thank you in advance for any responses.
My 'exposure' has been described as low risk to no risk on both prevention forums, nevertheless the wait for the testing period to expire, along with various tribulations along the way has really taken its toll, I don't really know where to turn other than here. I am guessing the point of this forum is to discuss anxieties but not take up the resource of the prevention forums, but if I am overstepping the mark please just advise. I just want to talk through this episode, as there is no one else I talk to. I think this web site is amazing, it has helped me through more than anything else, and I do not want to upset or anger anyone here. I am desperate though, so please forgive any transgressions which are not intended.
Apologies for the length of the post, but if this is like a group discussion this is my story.
I had a stupid very drunken exposure with a Thai csw five and a half weeks ago. I believed the three instances of vaginal insertion were condom protected but a multitude of 'what if's' have set in since then, perhaps because the mists of time have obscured any real recollection. The girl provided the condoms, and I did not have to ask her to supply them, which I understand bodes well in terms of her wanting to protect herself. That said, I have read horror stories about Thai condoms, and I was too drunk to notice whether they were intact throughout. On the balance of probabilities I do not remember anything amiss per se, and nor do I remember her reacting in anyway to suggest they failed, but again the horrible creeping 'what if's' have constantly played on my mind, not least because many people seem to question the integrity of cheaper Thai condoms. I do not know what brand they were, they were red, and fitted my average sized western penis without feeling strange or anything.
I also performed cunnilingus on her, and she did fellatio on me, both unprotected, but everyone on this site seems pretty adamant that they carry such miniscule risk as to be no risk. I believe that then, and accordingly have ignored conflicting advice elsewhere I have read.
I was in Thailand until last weekend when I returned to the UK. I was tested 7 days after the exposure for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, both of which returned negative. However, at that point I was experiencing sensitivity in my penis and was told I had an infection from gram positive cocci. The Dr (whose English was not brilliant) suggested that this would have been likely passed on by oral sex, gave me antibiotics, and it cleared up quickly. Nevertheless, to have contracted something from that evening scared me very much, and further I did not have a clue what it was other than some form of UTI? I have not to date exhibited any sores suggestive of herpes.
I was in Thailand for diving (Koh Tao), and just over a week later (i.e. just past 2 weeks post exposure) I developed a middle ear infection (acute otic barotis). Whilst this is not uncommon amongst divers, and the island renowned for bacteria in both the sea water and fresh water used for washing, I of course immediately panicked at another infection. A different Dr assured me it was pretty common, gave me more antibiotics, and again the problem resolved as expected. Two infections in such quick succession did send my mind into overdrive though.
Around this time I also developed a sensitive tongue. However, my traveling companion did also, and we were both smoking to excess (in my case through fear) and in an unfamiliar warm environment. As soon as I returned to the UK my tongue returned to normal like magic. I have always had quite a white tongue, and occasional canker sores etc, especially when stressed, so I am reading less into this than I was as it seems okay in this environment.
I have had various pains, off and on, in my groin and under my arms (especially my left underarm, but sometimes also my right). It has been difficult to pinpoint the pain, it comes and goes and I cannot find any swelling. It is like an ache sometimes, other times a discomfort or vague feeling, and comes and goes. I have long had a pain in the left of groin which has been checked throughout my life with no reason identified. I am worried because now I also get twinges in the right. I have also had tender soles of the feet (I only noticed that after I had walked a long distance though). I can feel no lumps or swellings in any of these locations, despite my compulsive checking.
I have a history of health anxiety, but not usually with such a defined reason as this.
I flew home on Monday gone (just over 5 weeks post expsure). I fell asleep on the plane and awoke suddenly with a bad pain in my neck and throat. I checked everything for swelling/lumps and felt nothing obvious. I have had the same off and on since, with what feels like tight muscular pain at various places on my neck and throat, and down to my shoulders. I do not have a sore throat, well maybe slightly at times (although I am smoking more than usual), but very mild, and I do feel a bit like I want to cough on occasion (dry and tickly). Sometimes my ears feel strange. I think I am very tense, but of course I am telling myself this is ARS rather than anxiety. My nose has been a bit runny today, but it often is. This neck thing has really frightened me though, I was starting to cope until that came on, but it feels quite bad. I have had some alcohol tonight and feel slightly better, but I am still aware of my neck.
I have not been aware of having a temperature during any of this time, and do not generally feel dizzy or nauseous. Today my skin has been a bit itchy in places but I can see no signs of a rash, and I have broken out into sweats at each really nervous moment. I pray these are manifestations merely of anxiety. I got no sleep last night, so have felt a bit fatigued today.
I enquired about testing as soon as I got home. Owing to the Easter holiday period I cannot get tested until next week. I will go (god knows how), and it will be a DUO test (6 weeks, some say definitive, although I intend a 3 month test too if needs be). Today I was put in a state of flux by reading a poster on Medhelp who stated that maybe 10% of csw's in Pattaya, Thailand (different island), had HIV, it freaked me out. This, along with my symptoms, and sketchy recollections about condoms, and my worries about Thai condoms, have convinced me more than ever that I have contracted HIV.
Everyone I have spoken to in Koh Tao says I shouldn't worry, some of whom use that particular girly bar a lot, but I know nothing about it other than I shouldn't have gone there when drunk.
I am petrified that I am either about to exhibit full on ARS symptoms and these symptoms were the build up, or alternatively my stress and anxiety are going to get the better of me before I can get my test results (10 days after testing). Either way I need some kind of hope to get me through. I know that the odds are on my side, and hopefully I was even protected, but the infections and symptoms seem overwhelming. Can anyone reading this dispassionately help me get some perspective, or am I right to panic? Have I succumbed to anxiety or does it sound like I am exhibiting early (an classic) HIV symptoms? In the past I have often displayed hypochondriac derived physical symptoms of things when anxious, does that sound like where I am, or do I sound like I have contracted HIV?
Thank you in advance for any responses.
Sorry, meant 3 months not 30 days for definitive testing.
Thank you BOTH for your encouraging words, they really helped me. I cannot tell you how much actually, but they were uplifting.
I am pretty convinced that the pains etc. in my neck are something viral, my glands seem up, I'm uncomfortable, and I found a swollen node on the left of my neck yesterday (which put me straight back into panic). I feel a bit poorly, although I don't think I have a fever, or if I do it isn't very high. Any excess heat could be explained by panic as it seems to come and go. I'm not going to take my temperature because I don't want to add to the worry, I'd rather not know or give the anxiety anything else to feed upon. Of course I'm back to thinking ARS anyway. I'm not looking for rashes either, we all know stress and/or a multitude of minor viral infections can cause them, so I'm not even going to pander to the fear like the one over fever.
However, in conjunction with your words today, and trying not to be negative I realise it is far more likely I have something like a head cold or something. After all, in the last week I have flown over 6,000 miles, been through two airports, breathed in the air from two planes, and a large ferry, mixed with a group of people from a completely unfamiliar tropical island, kissed about 20 people goodbye, shaken hands with even more, slept in a different hotel room, been exposed to pretty awful sanitation, existed through various timezones, not slept properly, and yesterday traveled into busy (and warm) central London for a demanding day sight-seeing trip with my family. I have also, obviously, had almost 6 weeks of worrying my immune system into the ground. Given the odds of acquiring HIV it seems more likely to me that, despite the frankly awful timing of this 'thing' I'm suffering from, I was a prime candidate to come down with something given the above. Regarding the node, it is on the same side that I previously had the ear infection too, so who really knows.
Joggen, you are spot on about internet forums, I was actually thinking that we all come on here for some sort of magic wand in the end, as if someone is going to give us a guarantee, which of course in almost all instances is impossible. What I would say, and have said elsewhere, is that this site has been a tremendous help and comfort to me, not to mention an educator, and I do not know where I would have been without it, or people like you.
Whatever the outcome of my situation it has been a life-changing event, and I hope that all that comes out of it (other than my negative result of course) is that I can use it to the good in future (if I have one!). The utter anguish of millions of people suffering from this disease has been brought home to me, obviously I may still be one of them, and I will definitely now get involved in any way I can to help in the fight against it. That includes this site to which I owe so much already.
The test is going to be very frustrating as it will be protracted by both Easter and the Royal Wedding, there are so many holidays here that I can see getting the results stretching out over three weeks. I'm not sure I can take the strain! I just want to know now, one way or the other. I must just hold onto to objective people like you both saying I'll be fine and can expect the test to be negative. Actually I really was more confident until I got this viral thing, that has changed the game for me, even though you would maybe say it shouldn't. As you know everything gets rather distorted in an anxious mind, but it's the fact that I have symptoms that I cannot put simply down to stress. It's so scary, and in darker moments, like everyone else who ever went through this, I'm convinced I already have the disease.
I will be having the DUO test. I realise that the official line on these forums is that a test at 30 days is definitive, but both doctors suggest that the DUO test after 4 weeks can basically be relied upon. Please God let it be negative. I would also get one at 30 days if I am negative at 6 weeks just for absolute closure. The DUO test seems to be spoken of highly, and it seems to be the choice here in the UK as I didn't have to ask for it and it was the first option offered. I am comfortable with that testing method. I can go free on the NHS but the results will take until the middle of May! Alternatively I can pay a big fee and get it done privately whereby I should know by around the 3rd of May latest. For the sake of my sanity as well as ascertaining my status I'm probably going to pony up. Sadly the private option is a little impersonal and there is no counselling, whereas the NHS are quite good in that regard.
I'm sorry, that was very long again, and I would get immensely short shrift anyway on the community forum after their insistence of no risk, but I can't discuss any of this with anyone so it is so cathartic for me to be able get bottled up fears out, and it was worth it when your responses were so uplifting. I actually felt clear and hopeful for a bit after I read them, and re-read them when I'm feeling negative. As advised I am refusing to do any other 'research' now, I can't change anything and getting tested is the only thing that can make a difference.
Thank you both again so much for taking the trouble to consider my previous posts, I pray one day I can be as profoundly helpful and comforting as you both were to me.
I am pretty convinced that the pains etc. in my neck are something viral, my glands seem up, I'm uncomfortable, and I found a swollen node on the left of my neck yesterday (which put me straight back into panic). I feel a bit poorly, although I don't think I have a fever, or if I do it isn't very high. Any excess heat could be explained by panic as it seems to come and go. I'm not going to take my temperature because I don't want to add to the worry, I'd rather not know or give the anxiety anything else to feed upon. Of course I'm back to thinking ARS anyway. I'm not looking for rashes either, we all know stress and/or a multitude of minor viral infections can cause them, so I'm not even going to pander to the fear like the one over fever.
However, in conjunction with your words today, and trying not to be negative I realise it is far more likely I have something like a head cold or something. After all, in the last week I have flown over 6,000 miles, been through two airports, breathed in the air from two planes, and a large ferry, mixed with a group of people from a completely unfamiliar tropical island, kissed about 20 people goodbye, shaken hands with even more, slept in a different hotel room, been exposed to pretty awful sanitation, existed through various timezones, not slept properly, and yesterday traveled into busy (and warm) central London for a demanding day sight-seeing trip with my family. I have also, obviously, had almost 6 weeks of worrying my immune system into the ground. Given the odds of acquiring HIV it seems more likely to me that, despite the frankly awful timing of this 'thing' I'm suffering from, I was a prime candidate to come down with something given the above. Regarding the node, it is on the same side that I previously had the ear infection too, so who really knows.
Joggen, you are spot on about internet forums, I was actually thinking that we all come on here for some sort of magic wand in the end, as if someone is going to give us a guarantee, which of course in almost all instances is impossible. What I would say, and have said elsewhere, is that this site has been a tremendous help and comfort to me, not to mention an educator, and I do not know where I would have been without it, or people like you.
Whatever the outcome of my situation it has been a life-changing event, and I hope that all that comes out of it (other than my negative result of course) is that I can use it to the good in future (if I have one!). The utter anguish of millions of people suffering from this disease has been brought home to me, obviously I may still be one of them, and I will definitely now get involved in any way I can to help in the fight against it. That includes this site to which I owe so much already.
The test is going to be very frustrating as it will be protracted by both Easter and the Royal Wedding, there are so many holidays here that I can see getting the results stretching out over three weeks. I'm not sure I can take the strain! I just want to know now, one way or the other. I must just hold onto to objective people like you both saying I'll be fine and can expect the test to be negative. Actually I really was more confident until I got this viral thing, that has changed the game for me, even though you would maybe say it shouldn't. As you know everything gets rather distorted in an anxious mind, but it's the fact that I have symptoms that I cannot put simply down to stress. It's so scary, and in darker moments, like everyone else who ever went through this, I'm convinced I already have the disease.
I will be having the DUO test. I realise that the official line on these forums is that a test at 30 days is definitive, but both doctors suggest that the DUO test after 4 weeks can basically be relied upon. Please God let it be negative. I would also get one at 30 days if I am negative at 6 weeks just for absolute closure. The DUO test seems to be spoken of highly, and it seems to be the choice here in the UK as I didn't have to ask for it and it was the first option offered. I am comfortable with that testing method. I can go free on the NHS but the results will take until the middle of May! Alternatively I can pay a big fee and get it done privately whereby I should know by around the 3rd of May latest. For the sake of my sanity as well as ascertaining my status I'm probably going to pony up. Sadly the private option is a little impersonal and there is no counselling, whereas the NHS are quite good in that regard.
I'm sorry, that was very long again, and I would get immensely short shrift anyway on the community forum after their insistence of no risk, but I can't discuss any of this with anyone so it is so cathartic for me to be able get bottled up fears out, and it was worth it when your responses were so uplifting. I actually felt clear and hopeful for a bit after I read them, and re-read them when I'm feeling negative. As advised I am refusing to do any other 'research' now, I can't change anything and getting tested is the only thing that can make a difference.
Thank you both again so much for taking the trouble to consider my previous posts, I pray one day I can be as profoundly helpful and comforting as you both were to me.
It seems as if you already realize that your "symptoms" are not a result of HIV. Your encounter was low risk. Not a good chance of infection during a single encounter either. Stop looking up symptoms online! Stop calling HIV hotlines! Stop counting bumps and itches on your body! Your "symptoms" are non-specific and things like a white tongue are just insane. Everyone has a white coating on there tongue. Some more than others. Your thinking of Thrush which is a Yeast infection of the mouth caused during later progression of HIV. Your diarreha episode is most likely caused by stress. I went through this stress as well recently, it consumed me! It took 3 tests over 9 months to finally shut me up. I'm fine. I did all the counting bumps, itches, headaches, coudn't freaking sleep! Go get tested. Make sure you have a test that looks for the virus itself, like a PCR.this is a very acuate test and is used within the "window period". If you had HIV the viral load would be extremely high at this point so this test is appropriate. Based on your info....your fine. Go get tested for piece of mind.
You're doing the right thing by getting tested. A test will do more for your anxiety than anything that anyone can say on an internet forum. You can expect negative results.
Must also add that I had a slightly upset stomach last week for a few days, although I do have IBS-type episodes from time to time anyway, nevertheless it seemed to be just one more thing to add to the list, even if it does seem to have gone now. There was some diarrhea, although mainly I would say soft stools. It probably lasted 4-5 days and until I got home, whereby it seems to have gone. It has pain in the lower abdomen and in my lower back, although not constant or terribly severe.
I am just having such a hard job now after all of this this to keep my head above water, and I am so worried that i am going to get more ill, which will either be indicative or increase the cycle of despair. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope. The neck problems in particular, although cited as possible stress symptoms variously, have really tipped me over the edge. I have no-one to talk any of this through with, hence trying this avenue.
I am just having such a hard job now after all of this this to keep my head above water, and I am so worried that i am going to get more ill, which will either be indicative or increase the cycle of despair. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope. The neck problems in particular, although cited as possible stress symptoms variously, have really tipped me over the edge. I have no-one to talk any of this through with, hence trying this avenue.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
