HIV anxiety and what to do about it?

[serbguy]

Hi, i just wanted to post my story here as well,because this is a HIV anxiety group...

I've been aksing numerous questions about my risks over my sexual history, and you all gave me the answers that I don't have to worry about, but my anxiety is coming back in waves and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I had some extreme situations (got cut on penis during oral, frottage etc.) with random people that keep me thinking I could be infected.But I don't have unprotected anal sex...I have a partner, we have protected anal sex,and I am always paranoid thinking I will pass HIV to him (even if I don't know I have it). In last few months my days start with these thoughts,and end with it also...I am also nervous and in some kind of depression. I don't know if it's developed in some kind of OCD behaviour, because I have irrational scenarios in my head...I've learned so much on this site, but I always come back for the  same answers...EVERY DAY! ..I still can't go to take test, I think I could rather die...As people here tell me there's no need to test because I didn't have the exposure, I always think that my many  'no risk' exposures turned into one 'real' exposure.
Tell me what to do to calm down. The summer is great, and I spent it being anxious an depressed thinking I have HIV. When I go to the beach, I look to beautiful young men and think to myself "Lucky them, they are healthy"....Crazy, isn't it?

Generally, I was a quite rational guy, so this my condition really scares me. In last 6 months I don't have a wish to have sex with anyone, I avoid to have sex with my partner as well (as much as I can)...I also wanted to break up with him.
I think this all happens because I have a strong feeling of guilt,...But tell me what to do to get over this?

[tad780]

Hey there.. I just came from my appointment with my psychologist and it is true that talking helps to sort things out. she does help me to gain some rationality. All of us on this thread have the common anxiety, guilt so therefore we may as well all be in therapy too ... ha ha!  I began seeking therapy in sept of 2010 and I have no idea where I would be without it ... Anxiety is huge and we all will overcome it however, that process could help more with some professional guidance ..... Think about it, you break your arm, you go see a doctor to get physically better correct?  The same goes with the mental healing.... there are professionals for that...Please jjpatrick and hehapu and my advice on this..... we are a little group here but the more the help the better.....

[serbguy]

Thank you for your advice. And if I understand , you think that your exposure was from kissing your ex bf? I know it's hard to believe ...but there's nothing wrong with kissing. You can't get any disease from it, and between us ..( I don't find it cheating ) ...;)

[hehapu]

Hey
I´m dealing with the same anxiety as you are. I believe your problem is the guilt, so is mine and I´ve looked for psychological help and as you´ve already been adviced, I also advice you to look for help because it´s only in your head. Unfortunately we are not always able to control our thoughts, it´s ok to admit it.
You deserve to enjoy your life and sometimes we need help to be happy.

[jjpatrick135]

Thinking about what ifs = Anxiety...you need to seek psychiatric help.

[serbguy]

Thank you all for your words and support. I haven't checked this site for several days and haven't seen messages. Yes, everything is told already.. The feeling of guilt probably is moving all these stuff. I've never experienced this amount of anxiety for anything, even if I've always been anxious to HIV (but not  like now).I used to be one of the 'clean guys' who always had high standards in picking up partners, and never been so much promiscious. But in last 2 years I was in a phase picking up people that really are not on the list. (If you know what I am saying). But never had anal sex with them. Only one protected sex (beside my  partner) and it was half a minute long because the guy felt uncomfortable. YES , I KNOW only unprotected anal or vaginal sex is a risk. We all know that. Nobody would have unprotected oral if he thinks it's a risk. But what is killing us is 'what ifs' scenarios. We all think we will be that 'statistic mistake'. Probably because of guilt, I am very obsessed that I will pass it to my partner (even we have protected anal, but not oral)...These thoughts have been following me whole summer, but then I try to calm down every day saying to myself that I don't have to worry about because I was safe. That's how I am fighting for now, but I don't know how long it will last....And yes, as you say, keeping away from the forum is the best thing to do because you always find an answer that will upset you...

Regards

[tad780]

You are right....talking about it is very key as it helps to put things back into rational order.  The 'what if' scenarios are the worst but I am beginning to push those away..... I have been down this path before and got over it and I know that I will do it again/

[hehapu]

Hey
I think your anxiety could be because of guilt.
I kind of have the same problem. I´m in a relationship but few months ago I kissed for quite some time with my ex and that´s when my mind started to play tricks on me. I did take hiv and syphilis test 2 months after that kissing, negative both, and I have asked my doctor and also here I posted a question that do I need another hiv test and according to all the answers I never even had a risk situation.
Sometimes I feel ok but still sometimes I begin to "what if" which is stupid. And that´s just because I feel really guilty.... I think that I kind of torture myself with these thoughts.
I have looked for psychological help because personally I believe that what helps is to talk. It might help you too to talk about your feelings, fears and guilt.

[tad780]

OOOOPS ....  soorry my last reply was meant for SERBGUY!!!!  

[tad780]

Hi Serbguy ... trust me I am working hard to believe that my brief oral exposure is not a risk myself and going back to read the posts that said the same thing was driving me to distraction which is why I am working hard to not go to that forum and stick to this one. Nothing you describe is crazy so please do not use that word to describe what you are experiencing...stay away from the HIV prevention forums .... trust me it is more devasting than helpful.... I spent all day yesterday looking and reading about situations like mine (which made for a bad day for me) only to find that all answers remain the same ... NO RISK for unprotected oral sex!!!  The same goes for your frotagge buddy!  NO risk. I went through an anxious period some time ago over that one too and now I rationally see that is nothing to worry about.  What do you need to worry about?  Unprotected anal sex ONLY!!!!   you and I know that, correct?  Its just our anxiety is fighting us to fully believe it.... I repeat it to myself throughout the day just to keep it as the forefront of my mind!!!! I fully get that part of you that thinks a no risk exposure will become a real risk exposure, but no, it will not!!!!!!

Is your anxiety coming from guilt?  Have you cheated on your partner?  My latest anxiety came because I hooked up with a random guy which I promised myself I would not do anymore....

Again work with me on staying out of the HIV prevention forum ...  Like a fine doctor said there "Reading those posts and having HIV fears and anxiety is the same as throwing somebody who has fears of snakes into a snake pit, it does not make sense!"    

Feel freet ot respond of course

[Apollo1971]

The best advice i can offer you is get some proper help for this because as you know its a shame its taking over your life and your missing so much. Many have got help and came back to report its helped tham so much and they got over it and moved on. Im sure if you get help you will mive on from this also.