Well, I certainly agree you made a horrible decision, more about which below. The odds you caught HIV probably are quite low, but high enough to get tested, maybe even high enough to warrant post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) with anti-HIV drugs. If this event occurred less than 72 hours ago, please see a health care provider right away to discuss PEP.
1) If the anal partner is infected -- which is a high risk for anonymous partners in this situation -- insertive anal sex carries an average risk of catching HIV somewhere around 1 per 500 exposures. Presumably it is less with such a brief exposure, but it isn't possible to estimate how much lower.
2) Wiping the outside of the penis might help reduce the risk, especially if you are uncircumcised, but not by much. Most infections probably enter through the lining of the urethra, not the outside of the penis.
3) If I were you, I would avoid unprotected sex with my wife until I had tested negative. It's a judgment call how long to go. The higher the risk, the more important it is to test out through 3 months, but you don't need to go any longer than that. I recommend against testing yourself at home. You need to see an HIV-knowledgeable health care provider for personalized evaluation and advice.
4) HIV risks are discussed above. The risk is substantially higher for gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, etc. Testing for these STDs is another reason you need to see a health care provider. Your local health department STD clinic would be a good choice for expert, confidential care.
The following comment will seem like a lecture. I am not insenstive to the background information you provide, which suggests you would benefit from professional counseling about your sexuality. BUT... Having sex with another man, anonymously, without knowing or even asking about HIV status, is the most unsafe of all sexual behaviors. Even though oral sex is pretty safe, intentions for sexual safety sometimes don't work out, as you just learned. Whatever else you do in the future, please don't ever again have sex with another guy anonymously; and with men you know, don't do it without first having a conversation about HIV status, even when oral sex is planned. Follow this rule, and you probably will go a lifetime without catching HIV. Ignore it consistently and HIV probably is in your future, along with other STDs.
When you see a health care provider for possible PEP and for HIV and STD testing, please also ask his or her advice about counseling. It seems clear you need it. I suggest it out of compassion, not criticism.
Please return in a few weeks to tell us how things turn out. In the meantime, best wishes and stay safe.
Im Scared! This is embarassing
Don't be scared. Pay attention to the figures I cited; even in high risk situations like this, the odds are strongly in your favor. You need a calm, sober approach, not a panicked one. And don't worry about embarrassment: your situation isn't all that unusual and you can expect a clinic or doctor to treat you with respect. In addition to an STD clinic, another option is to call a local HIV/AIDS support group, which you probably can find in the yellow pages or on line. You can have an anonymous conversation to learn docs or clinics sensitive to sexual health issues, e.g. ones who regularly provide care to men who have sex with men, and also to learn about counseling options in your area.
Because of what I do for a living, It is imperative I do not let this situation go to where it can be exposed. I will lose everything I have. I had read many of your post and saw where you gave figures to people where it looked like they had a made bigger mistake than I had.
I am worried, don't know what to do. I mean I see your words to me and I appreciate your comments. I just dont want to take a chance for anyone to find out. Exactly what I wrote is Exactly what occurred. I hope the 1 to 500 ratio is a good number. I am white / and the person in the at was white........but I am scared and trying not to panic. Don't understand the PEP thing (I know its to try and prohibit) from developing HIV but can you provide more info like as in cost for that, how it is billed and so on (like medical insurance and do they have to report that to my location where I work). I am sorry to worry you with my questions. I just really thought you might tell me that I didn't screw up that bad and now it seems like I have. Again, I thank you for taking time to answer my questions.
Relax my friend first thing you need to do if possible is come clean with your wife? Also dont let your occupation keep you from seeking the medical care for testing. To me it is pointless to do that especially when it is private to begin with. I wish you the best my friend..
I would like to continue to help, but we have gone as far as practical for a distant online advice service. You need a real doctor.
The federal and state rules and regulations about confidentiality of medical care and health records are very strict and the fines large for failure follow them. Almost all doctors, clinics, and health insurance companies would strictly preserve your confidentiality anyway and the rest won't take the risk of fines that start at $5,000 and go up from there. Despite all the assumptions people have about privacy in the computer age, in 30+ years in the STD/HIV business, I have never once heard of a person's sexual privacy or HIV status leaking out of a clinic, doctor's office, or insurance company.
That will have to end my role here. Feel free to return with a follow-up comment in a few weeks to let us know how things have gone.