Crying and anxious: HIV and my shameful history of unprotected oral sex

[Worlding102]

Hello all. I am a 30 year old closeted gay man who have lost myself to hook-ups.

Basically, I am fearful that I have contracted HIV because of my numerous partners and sexual behavior.

In the past four years, I may have had around 50-60 sexual partners. I feel I am the most promiscuous man on earth.

My sexual behavior is only limited to passionate kissing, oral sex (more on getting sucked), and mutual masturbation.

I swear to God that I have never, NEVER engaged in anal sex because I have always been fearful of HIV. Yes, I am a virgin down there.

On some instances that I would give oral sex to my partner, I made sure that they would NEVER ejaculate inside my mouth. There were some times I would feel pre-*** in my mouth, but whenever I  did, I made sure to swallow or spit it it out immediately. If I do suck, it only lasted 30 seconds or less. I don't do needles nor drugs.

I grew up hiding in a conservative country where getting tested can vilify and out you. I am ashamed I haven't had testing in those years, but that is about to change, albeit too late.

I am becoming fearful because in the past six months, I've had this recurring boil in my pubic area that appears and goes away in a week. Then I had three bouts of diarrhea that would last a day or two. Just recently I contracted chickenpox (not vaccinated, first time to be infected) which made me fearful even more.

I usually ask guys about their status, to which they would say they are negative. But of course, a part of me thinks they are lying so I still never engage in anal sex.

I consulted my GP for my chickenpox and finally had the heart to insert my sexual behavior. She didn't seemed concerned about it but I personally asked if I could get her to request for STI/HIV screening. She agreed to put my mind at ease.

I am going to have the test in 60 days time. Meanwhile, I am just devastated by the fact that I could already have the virus because something up there is punishing me for my sexual behavior. Yes, I am guilty. Yes, I feel bad.

Since I am still under house arrest because of the chickenpox, I have done nothing but search Dr. Google all about the disease and terrifying stories about the small chances of me being the unlucky one getting HIV through oral sex/kissing. I am scared about those possibilities because of those small abrasions in the mouth. I do have some mild bleeding in my front gums whenever I would brush or press my gums too hard. I fear that it could have been a passage way.

For the past few days, I have been confined to my bed just worrying and losing my mind. I was hoping if I could get some reassurance from this community and help me get through until I take the test.

[mike_no]

"What is the basis of the consensus here at MedHelp"

Logic. Not even a single documented case of an individual getting infected in that fashion in 40 years of this disease.

The odds of you dying this moment chocking on oxygen is way higher than dying from handjobs.

See a therapist. We have done out best to help you. Only a therapist can help you from here, your concerns don't belong to this forum since we are limited to HIV prevention.

[Worlding102]

Thank you again, mike. I'm sorry again for the bother. I just needed a bit of perspective to my situation. Your answers have been reassuring to my anxious mind. I hope I can get past through this.

[GuitarRox]

Anxiety is something that you can treat.  It is a disease/disorder just like diabetes, cancer or HIV.  It's something you see a doctor for and get help with through therapy, medication or both.  So, make that your priority.  And what you describe, to make it absolutely clear, is not Low risk.  It is No risk. You've been having safe sex all along. So, rest easy and get help for your anxiety.

[Worlding102]

GuitarRox, thank you for your insights. You have echoed what everyone else here has said and somehow, I am relieved. I will be careful more next time. I still standby my decision to never engage in anal sex with anyone and take in ejaculate in my mouth. I just don't like it. Before I finally leave this behind, may I ask a friendly question? There are experts and literature out there that classify oral sex and kissing as low risk, no entirely no risk. What is the basis of the consensus here at MedHelp that you affirm that such acts are more of a no risk activity? I am not attempting to challenge your views, of course. I would just like to know it better so I can be better informed. Thank you.

[AnxiousNoMore]

See a therapist for your anxiety since it is a mental health issue and this is just an hiv prevention forum, which you have disregarded all the advice from, in favor of googling for death and focusing on theoretical risks that have not manifested in the history of hiv.

[GuitarRox]

You've got all the information you need.  HIV is not transmitted that way and you ad no risk.  So, please move on without worry.

[Worlding102]

Thank you all.

[AnxiousNoMore]

I just noticed that  you are googling for death. First step to peace is to quit googling cold turkey, otherwise everything you read will disrupt your focus on reality and scare you back to worrying.

[Worlding102]

Thank you again for your response. I wish I could be like your username here, but given my condition, I am afraid I have to take other steps to address this. It's so hard not to Google, trying to find reassurance only to encounter other stuff that will scare me. Am I just being silly for worrying about kissing and oral sex and mutual masturbation? I've been keeping in touch with some of the guys I've met recently this year and they all swear that they are negative. Although a part of me is still skeptic just to be sure. I'm so anxious and crippled because of my fear now.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Let's make this simple since there are only 3 risks. Which of the only 3 do you feel was your risk? If the answer is none then reread about unrealistic and accept it, since you don't have any medical training .

[Worlding102]

AnxiousNoMore, I read the three points you provided and I am confident that I have never, ever engaged in any of those. I have always been afraid of the virus that's why I made sure to limit my sexual acts to mutual masturbation and oral sex.

But then again, I feel that my low risk acts have finally caught up on me, that I might have been careless, and that I might be the unlucky one in the statistics. You're right. I don't have medical training; perhaps the only training I have is from Google, which makes this whole experience terrible.

[AnxiousNoMore]

" I feel that my low risk acts have finally caught up on me," This makes no sense - I am sure you know the difference between low and no, so you need to stop interchanging those 2 words as if they mean the same thing.

[Worlding102]

AnxiousNoMore, thank you. I just have one question before I leave this behind: There are experts and literature out there that classify oral sex and kissing as low risk, no entirely no risk. What is the basis of the consensus here at MedHelp that you affirm that such acts are more of a no risk activity? I am not attempting to challenge your views, of course. I would just like to know it better so I can be better informed. Thank you.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Reread about meteor. If you are afraid of oral transmission that hasn`t happened in 40 years, you also need to worry about meteors because they have actually happened in the last 40.
And, you can actually get E Coli from a burger (because it happens hundreds of times per year) so you definitely need to test for that after every meal if you think oral is significant enough to fear.
There are 1,000 similar risk situations to e Coli that actually happen, so you won`t have any time left over if you want to maintain a regular testing program for these actual risks.
Your problem is not disease, it is fear of disease which is a bit of a mental health problem at this point.

[Worlding102]

Thank, anxiousnomore. That does put some perspective to my ordeal. I'm really sorry about being ridiculous here. I know anxiety is a real problem here and I'm trying to find ways to solve it through professional help.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Seek therapy with a therapist of your doc if you are still anxious  ---- because you have all the facts and no one can provide the one on one that you need from here. You had a non-event, so the only ordeal is caused by your reluctance to seek professional help to deal with your unrealistic belief in your science fiction theory, and your unrealistic belief that you(without any medical training) know better than the hiv researchers over the last 40years.

[AnxiousNoMore]

séb
with a therapist or your doc

[Worlding102]

Thank you. I'm trying to contact the psychologist I've sought help in the past for my anxiety. Although it was for a different kind, not health related.

[mike_no]

Your fear of contracting HIV is not rational. Oral sex and each of the other incidents that you have described here is not a risk for HIV contraction.

See a doctor for your discomfort, it is certainly unrelated to HIV. You seem to be mixing up a lot of things inside your head, seek professional help, untangle the knots. You don't have HIV, you do not need to test.

[Worlding102]

Sir, thank you for your response. I am just scared that I may have "accumulated" my risks because of the number of guys I've met in the past four years. I feel so ashamed and guilty about it that I am almost certain I am being punished for my promiscuity. I've had health anxiety before which resolved on its own until recently this fear came up once again. I am scared for my life. I swear I never did anal or let anybody finish in my mouth on those occasions I gave oral to them. Am I really just being irrational and ridiculous? Please somebody nail it to my head that I am just being silly.

[Chima7]

HIV is not a punishment for promiscuity. To believe something so ridiculous is ignorant and it is rude to the people who live every day with this disease. I strongly advise you change your perspective on this before you alienate everyone who has had a positive diagnosis.

Nobody really cares how promiscuous you are because everyone else is too busy living their own lives to pay any attention to what you're doing. If you're so ashamed of yourself then make some changes in your life. Or don't do anything different. The point is, do what you want because you're the one living your life. Always use condoms for intercourse, don't ever share drug needles with people, and you'll stay HIV free for the rest of your life, period, the end.

[Worlding102]

Chima, I'm sorry for that comment. I grew up in a conservative community and I guess it made me think that way. You're right. It isn't right for those with the HIV for me to say that. With that, I take it back. I apologize.

Would you also agree that I am at no risk given my sexual behavior in the past?

[mike_no]

We have already told you atleast couple of times that you did not posses a risk for HIV contraction from any of your events.

You are greiving and anxious for certain reasons and you need to work on them to have clear thought process, a therapist will be able to help you from here to fix your psychological concerns.

Asking the same question again will not change the answer. At this point, your queries are getting anxiety driven, we can't help you with it. This forum is specific to HIV prevention and you never had a risk to worry about. This is the best we could offer you from here, please accept the help offered.

I am going to repeat again, you never had a risk and do not need to test.

[Worlding102]

Thank you, mike. I'm really sorry for the bother. I just can't take it. I will try to find help for my anxiety. I have been in bed for the past few days just doing nothing because  of this crippling fear.

[mike_no]

You don't have to apologise. You didn't bother any one here. Every one here is at their own will to help and seek help. We insist on validating a point at the first go to avoid going round in circles, which is waste of every one's time.

We wish you all the best and speedy recovery from chicken pox.

[Worlding102]

Thank you for understanding, mike. I'm going out for the first time today. Being confined in the house for two weeks makes me go crazy and anxious.

[AnxiousNoMore]

This answers all of your HIV questions, and if you can think of any more just reread about the 3. You had zero risk therefore  testing is irrelevant to your situation because you had zero risk. HIV is a fragile virus, which is instantly inactivated in air and also in saliva which means it is effectively dead so it can't infect from touching, external rubbing or oral activities. It doesn't matter if you and they were actively bleeding or had cuts at the time either because the HIV is effectively dead.  
Only 3 adult risks are the following:
1. unprotected penetrating vaginal with a penis
2. unprotected penetrating anal sex with a penis
3. sharing needles that you inject with.
The only way to get HIV is if you did one of the 3. The situation you describe is a long way from any of these 3.
Even with blood, lactation, cuts, rashes, burns, etc the air or the saliva does not allow inactivated virus to infect from touching, external rubbing or oral activities. This HIV science is 40 years old and very well established, so no detail that you can add to your encounter will change it from zero risk. Because of all the research statistics, doctors have calculated the risk from what you describe to be less than that of being hit by a meteor, therefore no one will get HIV from what you did in the next 40 years of your life either.
If you didn't have one of the 3 then you are just worrying about your own hiv theory - which is unrealistic for you to think that can become reality - so you should move on back to your happy life instead.
That is an epic story, but the only relevant fact is you only had oral. Perhaps you will stop worrying after reading the above advice, otherwise see a therapist because your problem is not disease and you need to stop wasting your life in shame from fear that should not exist.

[Worlding102]

Thank you for your lengthy response. I understand the low to no risk involving my acts, but it just dawned on me the number of partners I've had and the probability that I might have "accumulated" my risks if there is such a thing. I was diagnosed with health anxiety before and it subsided until recently when I had this HIV scare.

Do the facts still hold true despite the number of guys I've seen? I swear to the heavens I never did anal or let anybody *** in my mouth on occasions I performed oral on them.

I just keep reading stuff about that small percentage and all that. I feel like I am being punished for being promiscuous. I swear if I get past this ordeal, I will put those days behind me and start to settle down. I don't want to live in fear anymore, let alone continue seeing other guys.