Am I at risk for HIV - full blown panic right now

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Went to a shady looking massage/wellness parlor.  I looked up reviews afterwards and this massage parlor is very dirty and almost exclusively known for sexual acts per the reviews.  I didn't do anything sexual with the masseuse lady.  No handjob, sex, or whatever happens at these places.

I had a massage.  I am worried about exposure and contamination.

Can I get HIV from having my penis/urethra opening touching a dirty massage table surface if say the table had a bunch of hiv positive fluids from the patron immediately Precedinf my visit?  I was face down for the majority of the massage with my penis pressed into the table after she adjusted underwear to massage buttocks area.  I am worried my urethrea opening could have taken in fluid especially when moving around on the table.

Also, what if the masseuse didn't wash her hands and used bottles of lotion and oil contaminated with hiv positive and or some other std?  Am I at risk?

Lastly, the towels she used for the massage, specifically when using her elbows scare me.  I worry they were never washed or just used seconds prior to clean up some HIV positive person.  Am I at risk?

I have this big fear that I am at risk for hiv from my visit to this hole in the wall wellness massage place.

Please help, I am freaking out and i won't even consider touching my wife because I am worried i could transmit to her.  Am I at risk?  Do I need to get a test?

Thanks to all

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Thanks B23121,

It has been so difficult.  I believe this has been the most difficult period of my life.  I am so scared that I somehow managed to become infected and I am so worried about leaving my children without their father and of course first being a terribly sick father.

I have concocted numerous ways I could have been infected.  Everytime someone mentions that HIV can't spread from environmental surfaces I keep looking for loopholes.  The cdc people really screwed me up saying that if there were infectious fluids on the massage table that I could have taken in the infectious fluids (penis pressed into fluids).  That messed me up bad.  Then I read different websites with posters and even a medical professional believing there is potential risk when a open wound or mucous membrane comes in contact with infectious fluids even on a surface.

At one point, I said to myself no way.  No way could I become infected from the ways I listed in my original post, but then I think if I believe this type of rationale then  I put my children and wife at risk.  That I can't leave even the smallest room for potential risk.  That I have a responsibility to protect them.

What a mess!  I would sign a loan for six figures (I am not wealthy) to turn back and not go into that massage business.  My mind is going nuts!

[B23121]

I know you are still convinced you have it. But in due time that will change. Part of it is feeling you need to be punished for what you did.

Feel free to pm me if you wanna talk some more.

[B23121]

The main cause is irrational thoughts. Irrational thoughts lead to catastrophizing things and it just feeds your anxiety. It is very challenging to break the cycle. You have been told you have no risk at all, but your irrational thoughts come at you full force and you keep thinking of the what ifs and worst case scenarios. The rational part is there is no what ifs and is no worst case scenarios.

I suffer from anxiety too and I know how it feels and I can relate. You need to absorb the positive messages and engrain them into your head. Thanks for sharing. You will get through this my friend.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

So I have seen the therapist twice now and plan to see two or even more times a week until I feel better.

We have been working on exposure therapy which includes some mental exercises where I sit and dwell in my worst fears and continue to try to make these fears worse by adding catastrophic thoughts and images.  Slowly I get use to these images and then they're not so frightening.

Next we are working on my daily habits that are feeding my anxiety.  He has been examining these habits and trying to direct me into healthier activities that won't feed the beast of anxiety.

It is still very early in the process.  I am still convinced I am at risk for HIV from my event.  I have come up with so many various ways I might have become infected.  My anxiety was a ten last week and now a nine this week.  

[CurfewX]

Yes, it can absolutely take over your life.  It'd be great if you share any tips or techniques that end up working for you.  You're definitely not alone - there are plenty of people in these forums who suffer from the same issue - can't believe all of the "no risk" answers they're given.  I'm sorry you're going through this, but perhaps you will end up helping someone else.

[B23121]

Glad you are receiving help. Illness anxiety is no joke and it can hijack a persons entire life if not treated.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am currently getting help from an OCD specialist.  He is a Ph.D. and a well regarded researcher.  He also suffers from ocd himself.  

I hope he can help.  I explained that after all the reassurances I still believe I have HIV from this event.  

I can post what we are doing to help me in this thread and maybe that can help others.  

[B23121]

I know how you feel. Believe me. Once panic kicks in. It controls every part of you. But you had zero risk. Take comfort and solace in that. Zero risk equals Zero chance.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Thanks all, I have read every single word and I can't thank everyone enough.  Seriously

I just got an appointment scheduled for this evening to speak to a therapist.  I guess that is a start.  My wife will be coming with me so hopefully she can voice what she has observed with me to the therapist to give greater insight.  Maybe the therapist can deconstruct me and figure out why I am operating in such a manner.  Man, what a freaking five days thus far.  I swear I am not like this normally.  I don't get it.

[B23121]

It's the guilt and your irrational thinking that is shutting your life down. Don't give in to it.

[iommi]

You are punishing yourself for nothing.
B23121 has told you correctly and no one here will tell you differently. You had no risk for hiv.

[CurfewX]

I'm sorry that someone gave you bad information that has made you unduly afraid.  No one has ever contracted HIV from an event like yours - it has NEVER happened.  

You're not going to have to tell everyone you're HIV-positive, not from this non-event.  If you think you could accept a negative test result, then by all means, test, but that will be only for your mental health.  It will absolutely be negative.

Stop searching the internet for reasons that you might have HIV - you don't. If that doesn't help your anxiety, you should seek professional help.  It would be a real shame for a no-risk event to continue to affect your life so drastically.

[Chima7]

First of all you need to calm down. You definitely had zero - zilch - no risk of HIV in this situation. In an adult it is ONLY possible to get infected through unprotected anal/vaginal sex and sharing IV drug needles. That's IT. Not one thing that you posted is in any way a risk.

Furthermore, transmission of HIV can ONLY occur inside the body. It requires very specific conditions to replicate and cause an infection. It is not physically possible for the virus to replicate while sitting on an inatimate surface like a massage table or a towel or a doornob or a toilet seat or etc. It is not possible because the virus is very weak and can't survive outside the confines of its host. The moment it is exposed to air it begins breaking down, which make it impossible to latch on to any cells to replicate and infect.

You need to relax because nothing you posted put you anywhere near a risk.

The ONLY way this event would be a possible risk is if you put your unprotected penis inside the masseuse's vagina or anus OR if you shared needles for shooting up heroin. Those are the only scenarios that would result in risk for you. Since none of those things happened then you had NO risk and you do NOT require testing.

I strongly advise you to find a therapist who specializes in OCD because you're spiralling out of control and it's clear that you need some mental health intervention at this point. There is nothing more that this forum can do for  you.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Then I 100% have OCD because I cannot feel better with any answers I am reading.  I have been tortured for five days since my massage.  I am convinced I have been infected.  I obviously have something seriously wrong with me because based on my difficulty of accepting answers and then coming up with other potential ways I could have been infected at this massage place.

I am at a loss.  This incident has shut down my life and I cannot even get going anymore.  I live in a constant state of fear that the virus was transmitted to me.  I keep counting the minutes that I can take the earliest test possible in hopes of a negative result.  I have read pages upon pages and posts after posts on the subject.  I have never felt so hopeless.  I am a successful person/parent/etc and I keep imagining having to tell everyone I am HIV positive.  Sorry for venting.

[B23121]

The potentially infectious fluids would die once exposed to air. She is being theoretical but not even remotely accurately theoretical.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Yeah, she basically went through the standard ways of infection after I explained to her my situation.

She was brief but firm and said something like  the "mucous membranes of my penis could have received the potentially  infectious fluid from the table".  My heart started pounding through my chest.  She then informed me i need to get tested.  I lost it after that.

[B23121]

That call rep is very misinformed. And it is upsetting because they are representing an official organization. Any HIV expert would tell you zero risk.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

I wouldn't be so freaked out if the cdc call rep didn't say I am at a risk, albeit smaller risk, but she said I was at risk for having HIV.

Hence my panic going through the roof.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Thanks for the info

Anyone else willing to comment on my situation and risk level?

[B23121]

It has been proven by experts. It does not take kindly to air and different ph levels. HIV is a very fragile virus and is actually pretty hard to transmit. It needs a perfect setting. Such as unprotected vaginal or anal sex or by IV needles. It has been said that even injecting someone with the HIV virus does not guarantee that person would become infected. (highly likely) but not guaranteed.

[Scaredandconcerned10]

Thanks for the response.

Growing up in the 90s I just remember the docs and school nurse saying that one has to be careful with infectious fluids such as blood, semen etc when these infectious fluids are on the surface of something, and especially one must be super careful if they have a cut and are in close proximity to these fluids.

Hence my fear of my penis mashed (urethra wide open) into the perhaps HIV infested massage parlor table.  That night I kept imagining my penis saturated in HIV positive fluids.  I know, I know, crazy.  Then thought about the workers cleaning cum with the towels and not washing and I started to go to crazy town.

When did we decide that the virus is no longer capable of transmitting once it hits the air?  This is obviously the most commonly held belief on this board.

[B23121]

No risk. The HIV Virus dies once exposed to air. HIV is only transmitted through unprotected vaginal or anal sex or by the use of sharing IV needles. Transmission occurs inside the body.