I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!! IM CONSIDERING SUICIDE!!!

[wostar]

hi, i am really really at my lowest today i just do not know what to do anymore, it is so bad that have sat here for the last hour thinking of ways to end it all. In may 2008 i had an unprotected one night stand with a bisexual male that sleeps around alot, i also found out later that i had chlamydia at the time of exposure. We had sex for about 5 minutes and he ejaculated inside of me. I had no symptoms at all and felt completely healthy untill september/october that year my symptoms where:

flu like symptoms
headach
very severe joint pain in the knees and elbows
sore throat

when the other symptoms dissapeared i was left with bad pain in both of my knees, the hurt to this very day (almost 2 years on) they are worse when i am restin and eased by exercise. however i have started to get even more symptoms and i am now experiencing

bad fatigue
white fingernails with a small band of normal colour at the top
Still have the knee pain
reccurent mouth ulcers (i have a huge one today)
the other day i woke up and my tongue was grey at the back and still is now.

I am in a complete mess i have a 8 month old baby who has the same fingernails as me (they are also white!) i have a violent bf so i can no way talk to him at all, he would flip. I am severely phobic of any type of needles (pins) i cant even look at a photo of them with out feeling faint so i cant test. The only thing keeping me here at the moment is my son or else i would have ended it already, but i am seriously starting to think he is better of without me as a mother anymore. PLEASE PLEASE help me this is my last resort, i have absoloutley NO ONE to talk to at all about this!

[wostar]

thankyou

[kumar007]

just go to the nearest GUM clinic!
there are about 20 posts here..everyone is trying to help you..
so why not help yourself and get yourself to the clinic..
the only way of knowing is to get tested..symptoms dont tell anything
round up the courage you need and get yourself to a gum clinic instead of speakin about suicide

[wostar]

Thanks, i am thinking of going but i just need the courage. It doesnt seem to me its unlikely i have it, im so ill right now, i feel like im dying.

[michael05]

wostar, You need some help, I understand this is a very scary thing to go though as I am in a similar  position to you  , however the GUM clinics in the UK are great and there are people there that want to help and they will so if I was you, I would  book a appointment and stop reading things online as this won't help you. Being able to talk to a expert face to face   will be so beneficial  for you as they will help you though the testing process , its very unlikely you have HIV however you need to get tested so you can carry on with your life either way

[wostar]

well, as i say, i knew nothing about it at all. i dont have a reason to lie about that.

[wostar]

Thankyou lizzie lou il go check it out now.

[LIZZIE LOU]

you have been assessed and advised regarding testing...this forum has nothing left to offer.

there is a hiv anxiety community where you can get "support" for your anxiety...this will be better suited for you.  we have done our job here.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/HIV-Anxiety-Support/show/595?camp=msc

[wostar]

i went to private school they acted like it was 'taboo' to talk about it, the magazines that i read had nothing about hiv in them nor did the tv or radio i watched and listened to.

[Teak]

You can't go to any school, watch any TV, read any magazines or listen to the radio that doesn't explain how HIV is contracted.

[wostar]

i know how naive right? i was so dumb then i had no knowledge of hiv what so ever. they need more education on it in schools, all i knew was it can kill you but i didnt know it was in developed countries. im from uk and im 18.

[Teak]

"had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa," Where are you from and how old are you?

[wostar]

thanks, that is true, but there is no way i could get over my needle fear, i cant even look at a photo of a needle, i didnt even have pain relief to give birth and my son was the wrong way round. but i am still 99.9% sure i have it anyway. when i slept with the guy i had no knowledge of hiv at all i thought it was only in africa, i was so naive an vunerable then, my mom had just kicked me out of the houe an i was in a hostel, i just wasnt thinking straight at the time. Now im paying for what i did....

[jelyse]

How can u be certain it will be positive? No one can no for sure unless they are tested. Calm down get the test and deal with the results when u get them. if have such bad anxiety about this isnt it worth facing ur fear of needles? I would think it is. everyone takes certain risks when having sex but part of being an adult is choosing who we sleep with and what precatious we should take to best protect our health. u made a mistake but everyone does and now u are really beating yourself up over this. All u can do now is accept u put urself at risk and now u are going to get tested and go from there. HIV isnt the end of the world and u probably dont even have it. But u wont    

[Rob73!]

No probs.

[wostar]

Thankyou, yo have really helped me. i feel much better now.

[Rob73!]

I would urge you not to sympton surf. It offers nothing good and only re-inforces your most negative thoughts. I say this out of personal experience. It's nearly midnight, so there is nothing much you can do tonight. My advice would be to get a good nights sleep. And make an appointment with your GUM clinic on Monday morning.

[wostar]

i know, thanks its just being able to build up the courage to go and test, im so scared of the result. and everyone of my symptoms i type in google comes up with hiv. i know its not good to be checking any symptoms i just cant seem to help my self.

[Rob73!]

No it doesn;t have to be infectious. You are getting way ahead of yourself here. I can;t and won't specualte as to what is the cause, but please be aware that it could be a million and one common or garden things. Get tested. Find out your status and move on It is the only wya you will be able to move on from this.

[wostar]

the reason i am so worried is, because it has to be infectious as my son developed exactly the same nails as i have a few months ago. thanks i already feel much better thanks to your advice.

[Rob73!]

Can I ask why you are worried about your fingernails? The biggest problem we have in this forum is people who google "HIV Symptoms" and get a million and one symptoms. Normally these symptoms are related to end stage HIV illness, what would normally be called AIDS. The timeframe you have posted from your single unprotected encounter and now you would be asymptomatic, ie; no sypmtoms at all.

Get the test done and know your staus. It's the only way you will be able to move forward with your life.

[wostar]

yes i was tested and treated for chlamidia, but my nails are very noticable they are bright white and so are my sons, im only 18 so it cant be an age thing as im still young. thankyou.

[Rob73!]

As I said in my reply; your symptoms are NOT suggestive of HIV infection, rather they are textbook examples of anxiety. I have white fingernails and I am sure that a lot of other people do as well!!! Also the timeframe in which you mention is too far aprt to be ARS.

I would advise that you go to your local GUM clinic. You don't have to give your real name and the results are not passed onto your GP. Get the HIV test done (I'm assuming that you have already been tested and treated for the Chlamydia infection?).

[wostar]

thankyou rob.

[wostar]

my symptoms just seem like they are all to do with hiv, and i feel so ill so im sure of it.