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Avatar universal

I actually can't cope,can't live like this. Don't know what to do. Where to run?

Hello many things are going through my head. I am a 20 year old gay man, had unprotected insertive anal sex with a guy who admitted that he sleeps around a lot and is known for it. It was a very stupid drunken stupor and unfortuneatly I knew nothing about PEP at the time. This was 2 months ago February 12 2012 8 weeks ago.
I have had a Negative Rapid test for HIV at week 7 last week and one at 5 weeks. However I feel really bad muscle aches, like burning aches in my muscles which is really not normal at all. I also feel a general malaise, not a fever but just a dull headache. I have rash on my inner arms. I have been told many times that a negative is indicative but I can't live in this uncertainty because the night keeps haunting me and I keep having flashbacks and thinking if only. Im finding it hard to live. Looking at my family and friends who want me to be happy. I am normally very happy and outgoing but i can't even hide it anymore. I nearly told my mum in tears yesterday but I told her it was something else when really it was that. I just wanted to hugh er. I cant tell anyone especially my family it will hurt them. Its bad enough im gay and they aren;t happy with that. Finally they are coming to terms. I wish it never happened. I never slept around much and was always safe, except that one night Igot very drunk and blacked out. My finger joints feel wierd. I had tingling lips which come and go. What if i am coinfected with other things. I think he may have had herpes as well. I honestly feel like I am infected. I watched a youtube video of a HIV positive man who said if you tap into your own body you know it doesn't feel right. My muscle aches are so bad, its not over exertion or else i would look like a wrestler. Its just sudden onset. Its like a burning sensation. Comes and goes. The pain in my joints comes and goes at differnt times too. What if the strain I have progresses rapidly. What if i only testing negative because I have been drinking a lot to deal with the anxiety and already drunk a lot as a student. What if its because my immune system is bad? Even though I am hardly ever ill and in the whole year of 2011 did not come down with a fever or illness at all and this year. I don't know what to do or think. I just need help or advice. I know people say itwas negative at 7 weeks, but that is not good enough. I am trying to wait it's just gone week 8 and i am going again tomorrow. I am now in the 9th week. I am trying to wait 4 more weeks but I can't live with this fear. THe symptoms persist so strongly. Burning in my muscles in the arms. Aches at the joint. A strange rash I have never had before which is pink/brown/red in my inner arm. Very small cluster of it. and on my other inner arm. I have never seen it before, until 3 weeks ago. I am dying inside. I am too young and i havent even finished University. I just want to die. I actually can't bare it and i just need consultation or something, i am not sleeping and its driving me insane because I know I have it and I dont want to have it. I cant put off the test and pretend it isnt true because the symptoms are very prominent. I just don't know what to do. Please someone answer me. Sorry about all this. I tried to ignore it and wait but its really eating me alive.
11 Responses
480448 tn?1426952138
We've already addressed the HIV risk and told you about testing.  You are asking a bunch of "what if" questions.  That is anxiety talking.

With a 7 week negative, you actually have a far BETTER chance of not being infected than you do of being infected.  Of course this is anxiety producing, but that will serve as a reminder later for you, to be careful from now on and insist on condoms so you never have to endure this again.

If your anxiety is that out of control, then you need to seek professional help for that.  It will help you to endure the next few weeks until you can finally put this behind you.

Yes, you had a risk, but remember, HIV is not an easy virus to transmit.  It requires basically a set of near perfect circumstances to allow for infection, and a one time exposure is not a guarantee you got HIV.  Like I said, your test is very reassuring, and each negative you get will drastically reduce the odds that you are infected.  

Get yourself some help for the anxiety, but we won't keep going back and forth with you about the HIV risk, it will only fuel your anxiety, it won't help you in any way.  Don't put the cart before the horse, you just may get through this just fine, and your negative at 7 weeks is a promising sign that that may be the case.
Avatar universal
Thanks nurse but what if it's because I caught multiple infections that night and my immune system is working hard. Or it is because the virus is very progressive. I did some research about my joints andapparently HIV affects the joints, muscles as nerves and causes neurological symptoms which is what I may be feeling. It literally feels ike my muscles are burning and I have never had it before. It comes and goes. Along with my joints. This is fuelling my anxiety because once I calm down I then feel that and its like a reminder of HIV or of the night which I cant forget. I'm sick of not laughing, sick of not sleeping, sick of not living and If i'm positive i'm literally gonna be a dead man walking and alone again. It took me19 years to come out of the closet. 19 whole years of secrets, lies, guilt, self hatred. I only got mylife to lose it again and now i will be in the closet with HIV. What if it causes me to be para, disabled with its neurological symptoms. Or the syptoms become noticeable i can't even hide it. I think i may have had more than one infection which delayed the detection of HIV.
Avatar universal
More then 1 infection like whatelse? Nothing is going to delay HIV. Reread what Nursegirl wrote. BELIEVE IT.
480448 tn?1426952138
"what if....what if...what if...."

Let your tests speak for themselves.  

The kinds of symptoms you are saying you read about that are consistent with HIV occur late in infection, in advanced stages, after an AIDS Dx has been made.

Get yourself that help, there is nothing more we can say about HIV.  Do yourself a favor and stay off the web.  It isn't helping you.
Avatar universal
Hepatits C or A, Herpes or some unknown disease.

I got tested at 5 weeks but Gohnorea, Chlamydia came as negative but i have no symptoms for them.
Avatar universal
Going through HIV websites will do your head in and turn into a nightmare,don't do it because no 2 websites have the same information.This is what has caused people so much stress and anxiety.Your test results are fully conclusive,if you can't accept this fact then you need anxiety therapy.All the best.
Avatar universal
I know but then i read that muscle aches and joint pain are early symptoms in ARS when you get the fever. Along with a rash which I have. I'll admit I have no fever yet and the muscle and joint pain comes and goes throughout the day. It is sudden and I have felt wierd in my spine before. It may be later on but seriously this is the big symptom of ARS i have felt. Burning muscle and mildly aching finger joints, arm joints, knee at times. The feelings change position of my body at random times like it will be my knee, then my fingers, its never a whole ache in my body. I do have a macopapular rash which my Doctor thought was Heat Rash but it clearly isnt and i heard heat rash is similar to that rash. I cant have HIV i have too much to loose!
Avatar universal
Sorry,Highly unlikely that a 7 week negative will change at 12 weeks.Expect another negative result.
Avatar universal
Are you sure 49 days is enough. What on earth is the symptoms then. I was very high risk coupled with these coincidental symptoms afterwards. If i am negative then what else can explain it. I didnt suddenly get growing pains for the first time in my life aftr a high risk exposure to HIV. Do you get what I mean? I will test at exactly 2 months tomorrow/wednesday as I have now reached the 2 month mark. Feb 12- April 11. The muscle aches are very persistant and joint pains and their accompanied with a mild headache/tension feeling in my head which is so generalised i can't describe it or even feel it.
Avatar universal
Test results are all that count when diagnosing HIV,sysmptoms are to vague unless you are getting really high fevers around 2 to 4 weeks after infection.A 49 day negative is excellent with todays modern tests but a negative at 90 days will put this matter to bed once and for all.
Avatar universal
You have yourself pretty worked up over this and I can understand you.

My personal experience with the fear of infection caused all the same symptoms you are talking about here. I had them all including a really high fever. My fever was 104!!! for 5 days. Yet it has been a year and I am clean. HIV neg for life.

Move your questions to the anxiety forum you my find others in the same situation as yourself.

Stress can casue all your symptoms. Try to calm down and get active. Go work out and jog or a long walk each day.

Best of luck to you, however I know that untill you see a neg test at 90 days you may still freak out. Just try your hardest to overcome your fears.

Take care and stay safe. Most of all, no more unprotected sex untill you are sure of your status. :)
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