This anxiety & fear is ruining my life!

[Jswtich90]

Let me get straight to the point, please hear me out.

I have never had sex, used dirty needles, or anything else which people usually get HIV from.

I am a very socially isolated person, with few friends. I also suffer from immense social anxiety and paranoia. Over the past year or so I have posted certain opinions and views  on various forums whether they be political, religous or social, which  some people or groups may find offensive, and if they were to find out who I am or where I live, may want to do me harm. I posted them mostly anonymsly, in some cases maybe I let other users know my email and city, but never my address, phone numbers, or any other personal information.

Just after December, maybe the 10th-15th, me and my mother both fell ill with flu like symptoms which could easily be HIV ARS symptoms, hers differed from mine, where mine was mostly flu and headache, nauseua and fatigue, hers was coughing, sore throat etc. Both our flu lasted approx 5 days - 1 week and wore off mostly before Christmas. She is still suffering from a cough, and I am still suffering constant headaches & fatigue to this day, we have both suffered a little weight loss. I dont think we've yet to fully recover.

This is where my paranoia starts..  I was watching a random YouTube video of a clip from a movie where a character line is "WRONG!"

Maybe a couple days later I was browsing one of the many forums I like to go on, and I posted a comment  which I recieved negative reputation from another user with a note just saying 'WRONG!', I do not know who the user was, it freaked me out. Did someone know what I was watching? if they did they must know where Iive.

This is where it gets weird,  I rewatched the video around a week later and  in the comments I  noticed someone twisted the phrase to somehow include something about HIV (for no reason), I searched his channel and could find no evidence to anything, I've asked him about the comment but he is ignoring me. Coincidence?

I am beginning to think someone got access to my house and injected me and my mother with HIV in the night, I know it seems insane, I am going for a test in early march to test for HIV, if it turns out its positive, what if my actions have destroyed both our lives, I could not bear it. I cant even imagine the guilt that will come with it, I think I would kill myself.

[Jswtich90]

I must mention I've also recently noticed my lymph nodes have become a bit swollen but only more so when I tilt or stretch my neck, they are not visible at all. I have been pushing and poking them, could this cause them to become more swollen?

[LIZZIE LOU]

seek professional mental help

[joggen]

Paranoia is your only concern here. From your post it sounds like you are struggling with a delusion. It's good that part of you can recognize it, but you need to take that knowledge and use it to help yourself. Posting on HIV forums or getting tested for HIV are only going to delay you from getting the help that you really need. Paranoia is a very treatable condition- please make an appointment with a psychiatrist and discuss your concerns.

[Jswtich90]

Now my nodes are really throbbing and sometimes painful, its now extended to my groin/pubic region and I've also noticed a bump just above my armpit, this is driving me insane, I cant enjoy anything knowing that I have to wait till March and that I could be HIV+, I wish I could peace of mind right now...

[Teak]

This or anyother forum cannot be of any help to you. Seek professional mental help.

[Jswtich90]

I'm sorry to ask questions again, but I have new concerns, please listen. Around half a month ago I was on the bus and some guy sat infront of me, He was incredibly skinny and quite tall and he looked a bit rough. I thought he might be a junkie and have AIDS, he was very fidgety and kept looking around, I was looking away from him out the window, when I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and he was supposedly taking a picture of a shop (or me and just pretending to take a picture, when I looked at him he turned back around.

Today I was on the same bus and a guy who looked similar to him got on and sat 2 seats away from me, basically next to me, again the guy looked rough and he was very fidgety, a couple of times on the trip I noticed him staring at me in my eye with a weird look, , and when I looked in his eye he looked away. Another random person came and sat between us who had nothing to do with this guy.  As I was looking out the window and I felt something wet on my lip, before I could react I licked whatever it was, my lips were very chapped and broken because I bite them alot, so if it was blood it could have gotten into my lips I know its crazy but I keep thinking the guy who's girlfriend I came onto 5 months ago hired this crazy guy to infect me with HIV, because they're both probably junkies and the boyfriend probably gave him money to do this to me.

I am really sorry I am coming back back with this, I know it sounds crazy but I just need to tell someone and get it off my chest and I'm not ready to get professional help yet. I just want to know what you think, can you also tell me the likelehood of HIV entering through broken lips even if the amount of blood is very small, like less than half a drop.

[Teak]

Move on you don't have an HIV concern.