To Everyone: An Apology

[dobber21]

Hi guys and gals,
I just want to apologise for my post last Friday http://www.medhelp.org/forums/HIVSupport/messages/1388.html

It's just I'm absolutely terrified myself; big painless lumps in my neck, intermittent rash, headaches, even though I know that symptoms mean nothing. I alternate between being worried about having infected the girl I slep with And I try to  help with people's problems here, but it rarely seems to work.

I was also angry at myself for spending too much time on here!

I just wish a lot of you guys who haven't had risks could just let it be and get on with your lives. There is nothing more soul destroying than worrying about HIV, especially when the risk is protected sex, insertive oral, kissing, toilet seats (on and on and on!) But then again, if reassurance helps, even for a small while, I'll try and post when I can.

Sorry for my petulance!:)

[savtide]

Hello Dobber, Thanks for your prompt response to my inquiry. You asked about my symptoms after my exposure. I am 58, married, got 3 kids. (18 & twins @ 16 yrs old) Had unprotected vaginal and oral for an evening (12/11) with a female of unknown status. She (41) was going through divorce and we met through mutual friends who thought we both needed attention. About 8 days post exposure, began to experience very pronunced aching in  testicles. On day 9 (12/20), I went to "doc in box" for exam. Really nice female doc examined me and told me that I could have prostatitis or epididymitis. Also might be any of the regular STD's. She did prostate exam and said it was slightly enlarged. She gave me prescription for the usual STD treatment. Chalmydia / Gonorrhea. Sent me away and told me to get a PCP and be checked for HIV as well since female/male transmission of HIV is easier if STD's are present. So at day 23 my PCP tested me for AB/STD's, which was neg. By then I had been symptom shopping on the net and starting to get slightly enlarged node under one side of chin (confirmed by PCP). Also had sore nodes under arms and inguinal area (PCP felt no swelling). Felt achey all over and neck / joint pain but never any fever. Tongue began to get white coating overnight, lost appetite and soft stool. Saw PCP again and Tested PCR-DNA at day 43 - neg. Felt some better but still had sore nodes and aching testicles. Testicle ache stopped around week 9-10, tongue better but nodes still slightly sensitive. PCP prescribed Zanex since PCR-DNA and I have been coping. Today I had blood drawn for 12 week AB / STD test. Will have results by Thursday of this week. Spent (2) tours in Nam but never have experienced this kind of heart pounding fear or having thoughts consumed with anything so completely every damn day! "Nature of the beast", as they say. HIV Symptom shopping was worse thing I could have ever done but coming here was best thing ever for me. I mostly stay strong after reading your (and others that I trust) posts. What a "long, strange trip this has been!" I wish you well for the evening / morning and God Bless. (I'm in Savannah, Ga - USA) Would have responded sooner but share home office with wife of 20 years. Have to be careful with posting to internet. I'm praying to God we both have happy endings to our stories!  

[WorriedT]

Mike - I agree with dobber, although I'm sure other posters may not. In the end, I felt that what I did was a terrible mistake that I will never do again, but it was very much MY mistake. Sharing it relieves your own guilt, but it also transfers the associated worries to the other person. The question is whether that is fair, and I felt it wasn't, especially in a situation where I know it will never happen again. I think peekawho said it too - if it is a one-off bit of stupidity, then let it go and learn from it. Obviously, if it keeps on happening, then maybe there are other issues that need dealing with.  

[mike_no]

spent the entire weekend trying to convince my self that i am not infected but these symptoms are irritating continuous oral ulcers and pin sensations are just not letting me to get on with my life but i'm lot relaxed than the previous week trying to relate things like my favourable PCR result, partners neg elisa and the low risk exposure i'm keepin ma fingers crossed and hoping for the best

[WorriedT]

Hey Dobber - good to see you back! I was telling myself not to post today (trying to wean myself off this site, starting with looking but not posting...), but I couldn't resist it seeing your post!

How was your weekend? Sounds like you've been having a rough ride with symptoms. I'll state the obvious - symptoms mean nothing. You could not have infected your partner as you had a 12 week negative test and she is very, very unlikely to be HIV+ herself (something that will be confirmed shortly!), so she couldn't have infected you either.

The strange thing - after your post on Friday, a few people posted with actual risks. I spent last night trying to convince iknowihaveit that he doesn't have HIV. I think I'm on a losing battle with that one, but you never know....

[dobber21]

mouth ulcers and pins and needles are totally stress related. nothing more nothing less. glad you're doing well. HIV ain't an issue. i don't think PCR is the way ahead because of the potential for false positives, but since it was negative, you're fine:)

[dobber21]

I saw the real risks! Talk about irony.
I had a great weekend. Ah symptoms shmymptoms, it's weird, I've been thinking about HIV for so long now - 630,000 minutes to be exact - that I'm kind of used to it, and not even afraid. I'd just like this all to be over, and I hope it very soon will be.
You're doing a good job here too man, now if only we could convince you that you don't need further testing! Ah I jest, i  know that if you weren't married, the thought wouldn't have crossed your mind.

BTW I've never asked, I think you're in the UK, where are you based? I'm in Dublin Ireland:)

[ScaredUKGirl]

I'll let you off only because I love the Irish :-)

Glad you had a good weekend, I did too up until yesterday when as you already know I cried everytime I thought about Tuesday...

When does she get her result back? I will pray for both of us, all of us infact (even though I am not religous can I still pray??) that this will all very soon be behind us. x

[mike_no]

LOL! I thought it was only me to rely so much on god these days, i was never so religious however that does not mean i did not believe in him but these days, I look up to him in every prevailing aspects, i'm sure he'll pardon us. god's great

[mike_no]

yea,I'd agree to what you've said mebbe anxiety is the cause of these ulcers and needles any ways trying to get on with my life would be meeting my girl friend almost after a month today, gosh!  had a real tough month. Out of guilt avoided her, her phone calls, emails. The only fear dwelling in my mind now is how would i face my beautiful angel and ma family if I discover i'm infected after a few weeks any ways i'm just tryin to live for the moment  

[dobber21]

Don't live like that. You weren't infected. You made a mistake. Move on. That's the best thing you can do, not just for yourself, but definitely for your girlfriend. Don't let the guilt over a relatively small mistake ruin a good thing. You'd forgive her, right? That's all that matters.

[dobber21]

She's getting her results sometime this week. She says she hasn't been with anyone in three months, and I believe her. Thanks for your prayers.

I won't be praying for you, not because I don't care but because you don't need them, I guarantee you the result will be negative:)

[sooworried83]

Hope your words are right doober. Im **** scared myself and im going to test next week.

[mike_no]

who am I to forgive her,its her who has to forgive me. I back stabbed her despite of having such a sweet li'l angel by my side I made love with a sex worker ....my bad,i'm in two minds i wanna confess it to her but i fear i'd loose her, i wanna hide it from her but my conscience is biting me......I did a stupid mistake. I'd probably delay our date for a day or two, meanwhile i'd try to make my mind and be ready for either of the consequences

[dobber21]

What I meant was, if she was unfaithful to you, you'd forgive her, right?

Don't tell her! Believe me, and I speak from experience, it solves nothing. You made a mistake, it happens. Just try not to put yourself in the situation where you might do it again. Use condoms until you're happy with your results - if I were you I'd be happy with them right now - and remember that human beings can do a lot worse to each other than be unfaithful.

Seriously, telling her would be the selfish thing to do. Suck it in, learn from your mistake and move on:)

[savtide]

Hello dobber. You probably don't recogonize me but I've been here on and off since Jan. I'm glad your not going to stop posting. I had an evening of unprotected vaginal and oral with unknown status female in mid December and began to have symtoms about 2 weeks later. Tested neg (AB) at 23 days but doc said too early. Tested neg PCR-DNA at 43 days but doc said not confirmed until 12 week AB test. This week is my 12 week AB test and I am miserable. Am married and been avoiding wife sice Dec. Xhost and Kekelow were really helpful but the 12 weeks wait is really painful. I am praying for a neg and a fast week. Symtoms won't completely go away, if you know what I mean. What are your thoughts on 43 day PCR-DNA neg? Good luck and prayers to you.

  

[WorriedT]

Yeah, being married is a strange one. Just loads of opportunities for my brain to play tricks on me! Combined with sleep deprivation (our 3 year old hasn't actually slept through the night for much more than 1 or 2 days in a row for the last 3 years), my right brain has a whale of a time!

Having said that, my weekend was pretty good too. Did a lot of gardening, which was strangely peaceful.

I'm actually based in Cardiff, a short hop across the water from Dublin.... :)

[ScaredUKGirl]

If she says she has not been with anyone in 3 months and she has taken the test you should certainly believe her. She clearly doesn't seem as though she feels there is anything to worry about and you shouldn't either.

[dobber21]

Hi Savtide, I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. We all make mistakes, and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. What were your 'symptoms' two weeks after exposure?
A PCR at that time, in my mind, is definitely conclusive. Your doc is being very conservative. HHH says that 6 weeks is conclusive for antibody tests, and PCR looks for the virus itself, so if that was negative at the time you took it, I'd say you're home free.

But testing really is a personal thing. If a single guy has an episode or two of unprotected sex, he generally won't even dream of testing. In fact, before I met my current girlfriend, I'd had about 30 episodes of unprotected vaginal sex and I never, ever worried about HIV. I never contracted HIV either. But when you're in a relationship and are unfaithful, the stakes are raised and therefore you want to be as sure as sure can be.

I don't think your test results will change, but I also don't think you'll rest until you've had your 12 week negative. But you're home free, congrats!:)

[mike_no]

thanks bro. Jesus, I wanna cry out loud but dont have a shoulder .....not to worry i wont cry, big boys dont cry.......lol any ways you have been so helpful to me, god bless you friend. I think you're right it'd better be in the secret books of my life

[dobber21]

I'm just really hoping her results are negative! I think she'll have them Wednesday.
Ah even if she isn't it's still a long shot that I'm infected.
I really need a coffee!
But thanks for your reassurance:)

[dobber21]

Cardiff??
A bad weekend for the Welsh, the Italians will be all fired up for their match with us next week!
Hope you're having a good one:)

[dobber21]

Cheers.
By the way, I see you're still worrying.
Stop worrying!
You'll be fine:)

[dobber21]

Sharing it relieves your own guilt, but it also transfers the associated worries to the other person.

That's why it's wrong to tell. I came clean and it nearly ruined the best thing in both our lives. It also made my partner worry when there was nothing to worry about. And believe me, neither of you guys have nothing to worry about. Nothing.

Now that's the objective part. Personally, I think humans treat each other badly in many, many other ways, and that being unfaithful is at the low end of the scale. I know guys who have never strayed, but that beat the **** out their partners, or make it their business to shatter their self-confidence. I know girls who have ruined their partner's lives by being possessive, selfish and manipulating, but have never strayed.

There's too much emphasis placed on fidelity. We're not even programmed for it as a species!

I'm not condoning it. It's just I know a lot of moral high ground marties who never cheat but ruin their spouse's lives. I hate myself for what I've done, but I'm sure as hell not going to transfer my own failings onto my partner.

And neither should you Mike!:)

[mike_no]

So true.