HIV Anxiety - Paranoia

[statsfreak]

Hello,  I wanted to share my story with all the people here worried/paranoid with HIV Anxiety.  I became obsessed with the idea a few years ago when I had unprotected sex.  I got the flu a few months later, and like most of you, made the biggest mistake by reading symptoms online.  I convinced myself that I had it and tested negative at six months and moved on.  I made a mistake again in February and this time caught the cold three weeks later.  I spent days and nights constantly thinking about the virus, google'ing every symptom.  I thought my thyroids were swollen, I got canker soars in my mouth, my stomach rumbled, I lost 10lbs, I sweated at night for an entire week and a few times after during high anxiety times.  I got nauseated often, I slept with my wrists folded and got muscle spasms, joint pain, headaches, depression, blurry vision, dry and pain behind my eyes.  I even thought I saw non-existent rashes.  And when summer came along and I had dry skin on fingers, I thought I had flaky skin.  My stomach hurt at times and I started having white stuff on my tongue which I thought was thrush, doctor said it wasn't.  I played with the back of my ears so much, felt pain and thought I had swollen thyroids, until I actually swelled up the back of my ear by playing with it.  My anxiety took over my life, I didn't believe the five tests I took in the first three months and it became harder to trust test results afterwards.  I had muscle aches, weak hands and tingling down my toes.  I confused mosquito bites with rashes and spent numerous hours a day until I developed a disorder... generalized anxiety attacks and my obsession got worse.  At a point where I can picture a good life without thinking that I'm infected.  I got my 20 week test and I'm still convinced that I had HIV, because my joints hurt.  Please remember, imagination is key, don't do this to yourself and rely on test results!  It becomes a vicious cycle once you convince your mind that you have something you don't.  I'm doing better now with CBT and I'm seeing a psychologist.  Family and friends are also of great help.  Don't let HIV anxiety ruin your life.  I even thought the depression I was having was because of HIV, then it went to MONO or LYME disease after reading more symptoms online.  Stay off GOOGLE for symptoms and believe the tests.  Hope my post helps someone else here suffering from the same condition.  Best wishes and hang in there.  Picturing positive things is key, remember it took your mind months to get here and it will take that long or longer to get back to your normal life.  It's never easy to put it past you if you experienced symptoms right after or close to the encounter and you obsessed about it for months.  You mind doesn't have eyes or ears, it believes everything you tell it.  I'm stuck telling myself that symptoms mean nothing!  It's helping.  

[Dado90]

Same here - this post is amazing!!

[Phanybunny]

Thank you for this post. Really help me. I had my test last year and it came back as ngative. But im still paranoid as f. I get so f nervous and i feel like crying bcs i feel like my is over. This paranoid is taking over my life. I thought im the only person who feel this way so i feel scared to share my feelings with others which make it worst bcs i dnt have anybody to talk to. But seeing your post really help me. Thank you so much.

[giopal]

Thanks for this post, i've had a "risk" 9 months ago, protected vaginal sex and i drank breast milk from a female CSW from her nipples. I'm scared yet, but i did the HIV antibodies tests at 55, 125 and 146 days later (unknown generation), all negatives.
I had all symptoms of ARS, i don't know if i need another test but i want leave pass this nightmare.

Thanks and good luck everyone.

[dsrajat]

Very good self analysis. I had gone through the same situation since last 4 months. I have spoiled 4 months of my life. But I should have use latex for safe sex. Now I will never do unprotected sex. Imagination can ruin your life.

Thanx a lot again.

[Struggling111]

How are you going now? I didn’t even think about aids, not sure why but when I was sexually assulted I was paranoid of hpv. I think I have it, it’s been 8 months and it has been confirmed I have  high risk hpv now. The doctors keep saying no warts but I think I do have warts show up now. I cry and have almost panic attacks because I feel so diseased. Yep I’m getting councilling, seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and started taking meds because I hated being in my body so much I wanted to kill myself. I still feel uncomfortable every day but haven’t tried to kill myself yet. I have kids so I want to be strong for them but I’m a mess. I went to sexual health clinic and they said the new growths are vaginal papules-normal. Wtf are these and why now. They assured me they wouldn’t be from the assult but my vagina has never felt like this in my life and I never had these so called papules before. So anyway I’m booked into see a derm who specialises in skin diseases etc so I’m hoping see can confirm if it is papules or warts. My aids tests and all other tests besides high risk hpv came back neg. I’m still terrified though that they are warts, there’s no test for warts and all the symptoms lead to warts unless it’s just my mind :(

[pinkmo]

Oh wow maybe I need to man up and get tested  too, I'm silently dying inside.

[Vance2335]

Start your own thread

[Aaron19871]

It has been 3 years since you had anxiety. How are you doing now? Do you get better and the symptoms disappear??

[male_ind]

I've the same anxiety from past 3 months. I test negative at 4 weeks and 11 weeks recently due to an oral incident which everyone here says no risk. But I somehow feel uneasy due to stomach problems and will test again after 2 weeks just to be sure. I hope they find a vaccine for this soon. Life is hell with anxiety.

[dirthauler]

Going through the same thing now. This forum and another forum said that I had no risk, but now everything on my body is hurting and my mind is going 100mph trying to cope.(see post: possible contact with pre seminal fluid may16) May spend large amounts of money for test to ease my mind.

[guzuro]

I took a test at 15 weeks time but hadn't made sure of the needle they used at a reputed hospital and I got paranoid for the next 4 months thinking the nurse might have infected me with a dirty needle. Took a test at 17 weeks after that but still not convinced. Rational mind just doesn't work

[statsfreak]

5 years, wow!  Well, I guess you handled it better than I did.  5 years would have driven me crazy.  I couldn't drink, because all the anxiety was giving me serious headaches after drinking.  Glad you got your life back on track.  

[zippy666]

And yes I will always wear protection.... thanks for sharing - I feel like I have a twin who suffered the same pain....

[zippy666]

Dude, I have suffered for 5 years and only just took the test, I was also thinking I had everything.. I turned to booze badly, very bad ... and can hardly remember many of these years, I'm now confident of the tests I took (I live in a high risk environment, Thai, PHY..etc) - Im single and love to be with females, but know the precautions to take now... and look forward to being with girls again... look at my post..

[statsfreak]

Also think I'm so "special" that I might be one who shows antibodies late, ahahah, never had luck with the lottery so I don't know why I think this.  Even convinced myself that I might have lupus because I got canker soars and was treated for h y pylori a while back.  No doubt I have a case of OCD going on too, hypochondriac at the same time.  The best advice I can give, is accept who you are and don't think you're crazy.  I had all these thought before, I just channeled them to my benefit, thought of work and relationship, not HIV.  Best Wishes to all anxiety, paranoid HIV symptom shoppers.  Hope I helped you...

[statsfreak]

I also had dry mouth, and still do.  In case some of you experienced that.  I tested for a full blood panel, white blood, protein, vitamins, HEP C, Syphillis, Gon/Clam, everything you can think of, all clean.  I tested with BioRad, ClearView, OraQuick, RNA/PCR, and last one, ClearView again at 20 weeks.  In case knowledgeable counselors here want to add their own thoughts.  Oh, all blood drawn from my vein, and one nurse even hit a nerve, making my right hand almost useless for a weak, spasm did me worse.  White hair, sensitivity to light(probably because of looking at monitor for too long).  My anxiety started when a clinic worker stated, and I quote "I hate to tell you this" right before he read my results -"But I don't think I got enough blood from you."  Bad choice of words, haunting me until today.