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post bypass anxiety and personality changes

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!
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329165 tn?1515471990
Hi there, Minax

I had open heart surgery 4 years ago to repair a diseased mitral-valve.  The depression and personality changes that patients have post-op is due to the lung-bypass-machine as they flatline your brain to work with a heart that is not pumping!  you can read up on it:  pump head" syndrome and just put yourself in his situation:  OHS is life-changing surgery and it is very hard getting through it and some people become aggressive because they feel they have lost control over the bodies and health and feel hopeless and depressed and really need anti-depressions and a lot of TLC from friends and family.

It does not give anyone the excuse to swear and yell and be rude, but it is because of the untreated depression and anger that the patient is doing it and he actually just need someone Professional to talk to him (Pshyciatrist) and get medication for it.
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Avatar universal
My dad had 6 heart bypasses then a month and a half later he had two more stints put in. He had a temper before but after his surgery he has turned in to a complete *******.  He calls me names & yells at everything.  My mom & I can't stand even talking to him anymore because everything we say apparently pisses him off. My cousin who is also a male had heart surgery as well & his wife said she almost left him because of it.  He's not "rude" anymore so I'm hoping this passes soon. I think with all the stress my dad wont make it to see me even 25. I'm 19 now.  :/
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565879 tn?1236130997
That look after surgery says it all, doesn't it? I still can't get it out of my head.  Our situation isn't as severe as yours, but it's like a vague Jekyll/Hyde . . . and I'm trying to apply our old standards to a new relationship - one I wouldn't have chosen.
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565879 tn?1236130997
How did you find your marriage counselor? Meaning like did you grab the Yellow Pages and point one out? My husband's surgery was Aug 2009. He eagerly agreed to visit a counselor - so out of character for him - but I'm the one that may not be able to hold on.  There's been so much heart ache the past couple of years. I thought I'd been taking care of him . . . Heart ache.
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976897 tn?1379167602
I had triple bypass surgery in 2007 and for months I felt different and responded to everyone around me differently. It's the way you suddenly see life, like you have been given a warning that your body is very fragile and you are going to die in a short period of time. My Wife came with me to see my cardiologist for a routine checkup, and when he asked if everything was ok, she jumped in and said "no it isn't". She explained the situation and my Cardiologist turned to me and said "look, I'm going to give it to you blunt and straight. Yes you've had a heart attack and yes you've had bypass surgery. If we go back 50 years, you would be dead now. However, your heart muscle is in good shape, output is at the high end of normal. You are at higher risk for heart attack, but not as high as it could be thanks to medication. You do realise that even I could have a heart attack before you, and there is every chance that you may never have another one. It is far more likely that you will slowly form more blockages, but as your symptoms increase, we can deal with those. IF, and it's a big IF, you get to a stage where we can't do any more, then there is always transplant. However, research is accelerating and new tools for angioplasty are developing all the time. Now comes the blunt part. We are all born with one problem, everyone is. That problem is that we will die one day. Nobody can avoid that, not even the best Doctors. What's important is how we live our lives and to spend the rest of your life in fear and self pity will not only shorten it, but ruin any quality. Even your spouse is going to die one day, so really we are all in the same boat, and nobody knows when that day will come. So your wife, children and friends, facing the very same outcome, really don't deserve to be treated in a disrespectful way. In reality they need you and they need you to need them. Don't feel useless, for decades you've supported them, so what's wrong with them getting the chance to show their love and return the favour for a while in helping you. All I can say is that you need to look at life as a good thing, not just a queue for death. Live each day to get good memories and to be blunt again, snap out of it".

I wrote this down as soon as I got home and read it a few times, it's still on my PC. He sure was blunt, but it got the message home. I remember looking at every person on the journey home, thinking, he's right, all these people and nobody knows when their time is up. Most don't even know if they have bad arteries or not. So I'm far from alone. I think the human mind needs to have everything in little boxes, we like things in perspective too. We hate the not knowing and it scares us. For days I just kept telling myself "yes you will die one day, everyone does, but what the heck. Just enjoy each day and make what time you have left worth it. Don't go to your grave as the miserable nasty father, but rather the loving and understanding one. If you live another day, fine, if you live another 30-40 years, even better but just remember nobody knows".
Once I accepted that, I was fine and it only took about a week. I just needed a good shake and to be able to see things in perspective. Realising it isn't the end made all the difference.
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Avatar universal
Hi There.
My husband had a tripple bypass at the beginning of December 2009. Our marraige has ever since, not been the same. He was a kind, soft hearted person. very loving, caring, the type of man every woman wants to marry. In general we had a good life and still do. But boy, the moods and blameshifting is really getting to me. In July 2012 we will be married for 9 years. We had never argued this much. he is blaming me for allmost everything. Love the wine and are forever eating. He has a total change in his personality. I read that youre father had both his carotid arterys replaced. what symptoms did he experience? My husband is complaining of pain in the right carotid artery. The children get their share of verbal abuse. There is no way that I can just walk away, although it might be the easy way out.
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