Hi, I finished Treatment, at the end of Sept, it was incredibly difficult mentally as I am sure many on here can relate to, I had Genotype 1a and had a undetectable viral load at week 12, and right the way through until the end.
I am forty years old..so I should stand a pretty good chance of remaining clear.
Four weeks after treatment I remain very isolated, with disturbed moods, and pains in my hips and my feet, (planto fasciatus seems to have returned) I was treated very early on, just after having acute hepc, I didnt clear it naturally.
I have been agitated, paranoid, withdrawn and have been experiencing suicidal thoughts/obsessions, delusions of being persecuted and other strange stuff after finishing treatment ...I explained this to my nurse and he seems dismissive of it ...now that treatment is over.
Anyway I am a real low,I have convinced myself I have not cleared it, I stupidly booked a flight on my own to Istanbul, just to get away...not speaking the language, really has only made the feeling of isolation worse, this probably was NOT the best time to go on holiday...but I thought I really needed a break the cycle of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I am here in this beautiful city not able to appreciate it , all i see is the rubbish and broken pavements, and become upset at the mistreatment of the animals here.....on Friday night went out and had three bottled beers, first in two years !! cant believe I did this! then the same again on saturday night drinking five beers ! and then half a bottle of wine last night. I have kept a wonderful diet...and really looked after myself.
I think I've REALLY screwed up, I just thought Sod it...I need some release..! I know alcohol is not the answer, I feel so depressed that I've blown my chances of a SVR
I am getting a peverse comfort from starting a self destrutive process to ease the path to suicide...What on earth am I doing ? what is happening to me ? I am taking the overnight train to a country remote cottage I have rented...Sounds idyllic ...but all I keep thinking about is ...its the best place to end my suffering.
I should have gone on antideppressants weeks ago ..but I refused ..I used to take Prosac, pior to treatment ,but I feared the horrible side effects ....I just cant face going back to work, my moodiness and negative attitude on treatment have almost wiped out my carear, my job involves a lot of people interaction ...I have become an outsider at work ...I have been blanking colleagues just because I feared the question ..how are you? all I did was complain , and I know that I had this mad look in my eyes, conversations were just awful ....after months of it people have just fallen away.
Did anyone else experience anything like this ? I feel so tortured and chemically altered I feel that Interferon has given me the equivilant of a brain injury ....I know this sounds depressing ..but my self esteem has hit rock bottom, so many people on here are so seriously ill, and I feel , like this message is a slap in the face to them...as they are probably thinking just get on with your life ....but I simply just cant seem to reassemble the mental pieces after this treatment. Has anyone experieced this ...I am I blaming Interferon/Riba for all the ills in my life ? I am trying to help myself by writing this ...but another part of me says ..dont post it ...I am so torn as what to do ...any suggestions ?