Drinking, depression post Treatment

[dreyfuss]

Hi, I finished Treatment, at the end of Sept, it was incredibly difficult mentally as I am sure many on here can relate to, I had Genotype 1a and had a undetectable viral load at week 12, and right the way through until the end.
I am forty years old..so I should stand a pretty good chance of remaining clear.
Four weeks after treatment I remain very isolated, with disturbed moods, and pains in my hips and my feet, (planto fasciatus seems to have returned) I was treated very early on, just after having acute hepc, I didnt clear it naturally.
I have been agitated, paranoid, withdrawn and have been experiencing suicidal thoughts/obsessions, delusions of being persecuted and other strange stuff after finishing treatment ...I explained this to my nurse and he seems dismissive of it ...now that treatment is over.
Anyway I am a real low,I  have convinced myself I have not cleared it, I stupidly booked a flight on my own to Istanbul, just to get away...not speaking the language, really has only made the feeling of isolation worse, this probably was NOT the best time to go on holiday...but I thought I really needed a break the cycle of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I am here in this beautiful city not able to appreciate it , all i see is the rubbish and broken pavements, and become upset at the mistreatment of the animals here.....on Friday night went out and had three bottled beers, first in two years !! cant believe I did this! then the same again on saturday night drinking five beers ! and then half a bottle of wine last night. I have kept a wonderful diet...and really looked after myself.
I think I've REALLY screwed up, I just thought Sod it...I need some release..!  I know alcohol is not the answer, I feel so depressed that I've blown my chances of a SVR
I am getting a peverse comfort from starting a self destrutive process to ease the path to suicide...What on earth am I doing ? what is happening to me ?  I am taking the overnight train to a  country remote cottage I have rented...Sounds  idyllic ...but all I keep thinking about is ...its the best place to end my suffering.
I should have gone on antideppressants weeks ago ..but I refused ..I used to take Prosac, pior to treatment ,but I feared the horrible side effects ....I just cant face going back to work, my moodiness and negative attitude on treatment have almost wiped out my carear, my job involves a lot of people interaction ...I have become an outsider at work ...I have been blanking colleagues just because I feared the question ..how are you? all I did was complain , and I know that I had this mad look in my eyes, conversations were just awful ....after months of it  people have just fallen away.
Did anyone else experience anything  like this ? I feel so tortured and chemically altered I feel that Interferon has given me the equivilant of a brain injury ....I know this sounds depressing ..but my self esteem has hit rock bottom, so many people on here are so seriously ill, and I feel , like this message is a slap in the face to them...as they are probably thinking just get on with your life ....but I simply just cant seem to reassemble the mental pieces after this treatment. Has anyone experieced this ...I am I blaming Interferon/Riba for all the ills in my life ? I am trying to help myself by writing this ...but another part of me says ..dont post it ...I am so torn as what to do ...any suggestions ?

[Marcia2202]

Please let us know how you are doing.

Marcia

[merryBe]

the best thing you could have done was to post this.
there is no doubt that your mind and body are weary from the tx. Toughing it out on tx may not have beeb wisdom, but it's done. The question is, why not get some help for the interim. It can take many months before brain chemistry returns to normal...each day you operate with a seretonin deficit you are going to endure all you described.

Part of the chemical deficit can cause fixations or brain loops..where you cannot avoid rethinking a negative thought even when you want to. This is caused by the overstimulation of Riba in my opinion, which acts much like an upper. Combine this with low levels of cholesterol which many liver patients experience, and the brain feels stripped and raw...because it is.

I think you need to begin a lipid regime, check your cholesterol levels, and get into see a doctor who will take you seriously ASAP.
If your liver doc does not...I would suggest an oncologist or pschiatrist. An oncologist is a good choice because they see the effects of chemo most often and are more familiar with liver friendly drug choices than a shrink would be.
I know the scenery didn't change things...whereever we go...there we are...but if it's any consulation you are describing thoughts and feeling I, and probably most in here have had to confront and deal with. Going through it alone, and refusing any medical intervention is not the thing to help yourself. You've taken a good second step coming in here after your doctor ignored you...but now get yourself to someone who can help you.
Otherwise you are letting your fears take over (and they can cause symptoms) plus...you are letting someone's carelessness ruin your life. Why should you be thinking like this?  A pox on the persons who ignored your cry for help. You've got a lot of good years left, but you need to get mad here a little, and fight for them.
I remember when my doctor ignored me, and it almost cost me my life...until I made up my mind lying one night in agony...if I don't fight for me...she will kill me....and then I took the bull the horns and kept knocking on doors until I did get diagnosed and treated.
At some point...you've got to be willing to fight to get back that quality...you can't just let folks  brush you off who have no idea what kind of pain you are in each day.
keep us posted, please....

mb

mb

[jdwithhcv]

You are valuable, you are important and you HAVEN'T blown your SVR.  Please please give yourself a bit of time.  Get yourself to a pharmacy and get some ativan (lorazepam) for the anxiety.  Ring the British consul for help if you need it.  And please post again - we will get you through this.  You have done so much to save your life.  You have endured the hellish treatment and managed to complete it.  You are strong enough to travel and your brain works well enough to organise a holiday - this is all good.  Now do one thing more - be kind to yourself!  Don't turn this into a pissup - relax, sleep in, eat well and entertain your mind with imagining who is on the other end of this lifeline.  You posted this thread for a reason - I imagine its because you are not quite finished, not quite ready to let go.  Stick around a while.  Post again, we will get you through this.  Send me a pm if you want.  I'll talk it over with you on any terms you want.  Please.

jd

[ladywhy]

"tryed to drown his sorrows but they could swim."

Well said!

The last paragraph sounds divine.

[comeagain]

No you can`t drink the virus back but you can damage the liver.
I know a guy here in Sweden he cleared the virus 2.5 years ago he was sober for 2 years
including while on treatment.

They day he stoped hes treatment he started to drink hard liquid hes been drunk ever since even developed what we call drunken legs kind of spasm he lift his legs up high and tip toes he way when walking.

This guy is a severe alcoholic hes still SVR.

One of swedens greatest writers and poets Gustaf Froding he ended up in a mental hospital and died there they say about him that he tryed to drown his sorrows but they could swim.

And they can!! Very good in alcohol so don´t you go do the same stupid thing my man.
Alcohol is a depressiv drug in to bigger quantitys.

Get your a$$ down to one of them turkish bath houses and drink tea eat good, get masage and know this thing will pass the rain will stop and the sun will shine both over the righteous as well as over the unreighteous.

ca

[jmjm530]

Sorry about the whole kettle you're in.

First off, drinking after treatment, if desired,  should be limited to no more than two drinks a day (according to my doctor) -- so the quantities you mentioned are above that. If you continue to drink in excessive quantities you could harm your liver. That said the drinking you mentioned should have no effect on your SVR, as you either are SVR or are not at this point. At least you should get that off your mind.

Turkey can be a nice place to visit but sounds like you should get yourself home, talk to your doctor, and see your theapist if you have one. If not, time to see one. ADs may be the answer and the post treatment experience can be even more difficult than treating for some of us. The whole friend/islolation thing I can relate to very well. It was almost like I had to start a new life after treatment with many friends gone. But I have.

Hope things work out better soon.

-- Jim