I cant do it.

[JodyLynn]

I dont know what to do....i cant do this treatment, i dont think i could deal with all the side effects and on top of that being bipolar. Heres the thing... today i picked up the Ribavirin from the drug store and they said to pick up the Interferon i guess thats what it is in a couple of days, its shots they told me, now that ive changed my mind what do i do now with the Ribavirin that i picked up and what about the Interferon thats on its way? Im on Medicaid i dont want to make anyone mad at me, what do i do? Ive been thinking about the treatments for a year since i found out i had hep c...i just cant do it.

[JodyLynn]

Thank you Meki for taking the time to write this to me it made me feel alot better...i took a sleeping pill my doctor gave me, i hate how i feel the next morning so i dont take them maybe 1 ever fews months, but tonight i just knew id never go to sleep if i didnt....maybe things will look better tomorrow, thanks again.

[JodyLynn]

I dont think ive ever been as scared in my whole life as i am right now....i never really knew just how much i wanted to live till now. Just a ruff night i guess.

[meki]

Jody - that's the cool thing. You know ahead of time what this med can do... So you know to be aware of it. I think keeping a daily journal of your thoughts would be good.

Or posting daily - to tell us how you feel would be good.

That way if you notice a definite trend downwards you can get immediate help.

Don't be afraid - just be AWARE. There's a difference. It feels about the same - LOL! But being aware of your moods... Kind of like when you're spiraling up on a "high" in the manic phase or when you start plummeting in the depression phase. You know it's happening... You're aware of the differences now.

It's kind of the same thing.

For me - the ideation was like this... Doo dooo dooo do do do driving along... be bopping through the music... and all of  a sudden... I think "I'd be better off dead... My family wouldn't have to put up with this... Poor poor me..."

And then I'd snap my head up and go --- "HUH? where the heck did that come from?"

I mean like really - better off dead? Oh yeah --- Sure thing... Like dead is done... Uhmmm you can't get better if you're done. Or gone. You can't fix things... You can't see the sunsets... You can't kiss your kids...  You can't hug your friends... And you can't eat Taco Bell Tacos... How the frick is that better?

Then I'd think - Poor me? How am I poor? I mean - I'm breathing I'm getting better - it just sucks right now - but I'm getting better. I am stepping in the right direction.

Then I'd turn a corner - and forget I even thought that weird stuff.

But for people in your position - it might be more difficult. I don't really know.

But what I do know is that you can do your best to monitor your thoughts - and your moods.

Journal them - don't obsess over them - find something else to obsess on.

Train yourself now... NEGATIVE THOUGHTS out the darn window.

Every time you get a negative thought, shoo it away like an annoying fly...  Sing a happy song... Whatever it takes...

I have a friend who made this silly little jar...

She took a canning jar and filled it with rice.

Then she put in things like: a rubber band, a penny, a nickle, a paperclip, a thumbtack, a plastic earring, a fake gemstone, a nail, a dollhouse plastic teacup and other small items.

Then she put a lid on it.

And she wrote down a check list of the things she put in it.

You roll the jar around and you look for those items and you check them off one at a time.

It's pretty soothing --- for her. And when she starts spiraling up or down, she rolls it, and calms herself down a little bit.

I don't know if it would help you - but it helps her. LOL!

Anyhow - I just wanted to say - although you have 2 diseases (HCV and Bipolar) you can still take control of your life.

You have the ability - and you ---- YOU ---- have the strength... It may be hard to find and you may need some medication to help you out - but you have the strength.

Super hugs to you.

Meki

[JodyLynn]

I had biopsy last year said i had minimal liver damage and i am genotype 1...they think ive had hep c for over 30 yrears, but who really know where i got ot or how long ive had it?

[GrandmaA]

I don't know what genotype you are. If you can wait 2-3 years for the new meds, I would wait. The new meds will probably just be 24 weeks. Did you have a biopsy? What grade is your liver? If you are 0-2 you can wait. If not discuss it with your doctor. The ribavirin is very hard on the emotions. I never told my doctor but I did have suicidal thoughts once or twice.  I have 6/1/2 weeks left of 51.  

[sfwandwow]

good for u..hope i get that luck

[JodyLynn]

I guess i didnt hear the numbers right, but she said they were high and i should have the treatments. I did have a liver biopsy last year when i found out i had hep c and that doctor told i had minimal liver damage what ever that means, he is the same doctor that told me at first he would NOT do treatments because im bipolar, then when i started crying he told me to get an ok from the doctor that has me on bipolar meds and he would do it, but after him telling me people kill themselfs on the treatments that have bipolar it scared me off. I now have a new doctor and he seems to think i should have the treatments. They just mailed me a new lab sheet today soon as i get it im to go to have all new blood test and start treatments in the next 3 weeks. I know i seem like a dummy here, but this is all so new to me some of the things yall talk about here i dont even understand lol, but im trying my best. This doctors card says ADVANCED DIGESTIVE DISEASES PC.... GASTROENTEROLOGY/HEPATOLOGY/NUTRITION. I dont understand a thing this man says because its all that doctor talk lol but his nurse called me today and said i can call her anytime because she will be the one working with me on the shots and things. Thank yall for all your help here, im so glad i found this site....God Bless you all.

[sfwandwow]

good for u..hope i get that luck

[brown_eyed_grl]

If I can do it anyone can do it. I spent 6 months on this board freaking out and going on and on. I had to be calmed down by these wonderful people b/c I really though my butt was going to blow up and my eyes were gonna pop out...well none of that happened, in fact I really have no sx except a little insomnia. Nothing a 1/2 an ambien wont fix. Jody. Just do it. Get this vile virus out of your body and move on w/your life.

The waiting is the hardest part. Now Its like this:
wake up eat 1/2 my breakfast take a riba
drink plenty of H2o
Dinner eat 1/2 my dinner....take a riba
Saturday evening take 2 tylenol, get my shot 4 hrs later 2 more tylenol (tho nothing's happened)
Thats it. A little fatigue, but not bad at all. Im still working and Its my saving grace. Oh, and exercising 2x a week and acupunture 2x a week. I am so HAPPY! Really to be getting rid on this after 33 yrs!!!

[jmjm530]

7500 IU/ml is very low, not high. But even if your viral load was 7.5 million, it really doesn't matter in terms of whether or not you should treat now or wait. Viral load does not correlate with either liver damage or progression of liver damage. What you do want to know is what STAGE liver damage you have. This is usually determined by biopsy, although estimates are often made based on other findings. Assuming you do not have significant liver damage, some doctors recommend treating and some recommend waiting. In the end, it's your decision, as it's your liver. So as not to get 'bullied' into treating (or not treating) you want to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. "Knowledge is Power" is never more true than for patients faced with difficult decisions. If you feel you need more medical input, by all means get another consultation, preferably from a liver specialist (hepatologist).

All the best,

-- Jim

[jools57]

7,500 doesnt sound high to me, do you mean millions?..Viral loads go up, and down all the time...before i started treatment mine was at 190,000, a test a few months later i was at 101,000, then my baseline VL was back at 190,000 before treatment...I did shot #7 last friday, and my 4 week blood test came back at VL 2,000...i'm a geno 3 so that makes me a slow responder, and i may have to extend treatment...the only accurate way to know how your liver is doing is a biopsy...my doc. didnt do one since i was a geno 3, and we are supposed to be easier to treat, and i had made the decision to treat. you are a geno 1, so i would demand a biopsy. that way you can make an informed decision about treating. My dr. said he has seen people with high viral loads and little liver damage, and people with low viral loads ,and lots of damage...i hope this helps you...i was scared to start(put it off for 6 months), but i am so glad i started...so far the side effects have been doable...fatique, itchy, hair thinning, some insomnia, the first few weeks were weird, because of the lightheadedness, but that has levelled out now...i just keep repeating, i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me...again JodyLynn we are all on your side...and are here for you...Blessings, Julie

[goldenrule]

Did the Dr do a liver biopsy?? Its very important that you find out what condition your liver is in.

[JodyLynn]

My doctors nurse just called me and said i really need to take the treatments, she said my viral load is high over 7500, i dont understand this what is normal? She said they need to do more blood work to see how much over that it is. She told me i really should do the treatments. This is all so hard for me to understand.

[JodyLynn]

Thank you so very much.

[RALPH44]

Finely some like me I have OCD and panick disorder was so bad last year I had to take a month off work to get some normalcey back.  Started feeling pretty good then gallbladder went bad and during the blood test found I have Hepatitis C genyotype 1.

Which suchs because I was reading the meds and they cause anxiety and the OCD to get worse and it also says even if you dont have depression it causes it.

I can take SSRI's because side effects were to bad. I dont want to feel like I did last year.

They cant start treatment till I heal from the surgery and get a base line on my eyes, and 2nd hep A shot.

I m 44 and they think I have had this since a accident then I was 13, this year is the first time it has shown up. Had liver biopsy I only a nickel size bit of damage.

I was a nursing asst. for 10 years so I know what HIV and Liver damage patient look like.

I told everyone I dont want to do this mon, husband, daughter are adament that I do. Then say just dont think about it, treatment dont start till next year easier said then done. With OCD I have the repitious thoughts so it is all I think about.

But Jodylynn my sixth grandchild was born last week with spainal biffita so I think I might try the treatment. I can always stop.

I have talk meki she helps too. If you need someone to talk to I am here after all my nephew and sister and mother are bipolar.

good luck

[meki]

Ayuh --- I was going on the thought process that her doc was "THE" right doc... Probably bad assumption.

But --- hawk - I like you too! LOL!

Meki

[orphanedhawk]

  I have been told repeatedly by my nurse that my health care is my decision. Everyone is here to support you but it is up to YOU what you choose to do.
   I changed doctors during tx for several reasons. My first doctor never made me feel like he expected me to do well unlike my current doctor. It is important that you feel good about your heptologist.
   Something inside you has stopped you from beginning tx. Maybe there are deeper issues you should deal with first. And if you don't have any liver damage, why rush?
  I usually agree with Meki but I've heard enough horror stories regarding doctors, right here on this forum, that I would never assume the doctor is doing what is in your best interest. Sometimes they are just acting on automatic. FInd one you trust.

[ShoshanaPNW]

JodyLynn, get yourself a psychologist or psychiatrist who provides good therapy, has a good understanding of medications and treatments for bipolar disorder, and who has at least a reasonable understanding of Hepatitis C and its treatment. This may take a little hunting, but they're out there. You get to make your own decisions, and you are the expert on the realities of your life--not your doctors, not your family members.

[tulips27]

Let me say I wish you well and understand your fear. However alot of things are going to happen to people in their life for which they have NO CONTROL OVER> hcv is something YOU can control and help get rid of this virus. Many people have gotten rid of it! And the ones that didint get rid of it will on the 2nd  or 3rd try around with tx. If you can help yourself...then try to kill this virus. I dont like to say much about tx cause I wont be starting till end of this year. But I sure want it gone!! I will br treating I dont like the idea either of putting my life to a dead healult for a year either. But as you grow older you realize we have no other just. We musthelp ourselves. Isnt it better being diagnosed with something you have a chance at beating??? Some illnesses out there there are NO CURE>
Try to sit down with someone and discuss your options. Do you have liver damage?

It'll be okay..Anticipation sucks!
take care

[beamishboy]

jodylynn, you do indeed have real concerns BUT you can beat this damnable virus...like jim said yu gotta get a doc you can trust(or at least a GREAT nurse)...figure out a financial/social support PLAN and get your head inna Great place...It ain't easy,but it can be done..you may need helper drugs for anxiety -so what? this is a battle & it can ultimately prove your mettle...View it as a challenge that is ultimate!..cause it is...Focus on yourself&your health...BE SELFISH:YOU are Worth it!!!...KICK BUTT and GOODLUCK.......and if yu don't trx...please don't beat yourself up..life is tuff enough already

[ladybug52]

I know you have been scared, and if I remember correctly, when all the bad stuff about tx was posted by abbas, you said "that's it I'm not doing this" (Sorry if I have you confused with someone else)
There have been others here who are bipolar and have txed. It's difficult, I'm sure, but the important thing is to figure out if you have to treat now or can wait.
Will Medicaid pay for a biopsy? I think a biopsy will help you make an informed decision. If you have had a relatively undamaged liver, there's time to wait.
I was stage 1 grade 2 and could have waited according to my dr's. I got my meds in Sept but didn't start tx till Dec. I just kept waiting for the right time.
I went into tx thinking that if I couldn't handle it I would quit. I quit 8 weeks early, but I'm a geno 2 and so far am clear 3 months after tx. My sides were really minimal, but I felt that I was clear, and I wanted to quit.
You could try the same reasoning. Hold onto the meds, try to get a biospy, and if it looks as if you want to tx you can give it a try. As Jim said, it's not about strength or character, it's about making a decision you can live with.
Good luck sweetie, we're all here for you.
hugs,
Bug

[Alady1620]

You can do anything that you believe you can do.  Get your head straight and decide that you are determined to kill the hcv.  Then and only then will you conquer the disease.  Get tough.  Get mad.  Fight back!

I have complete faith in you.  You can complete treatment.  You can do it!  

[Alady1620]

Serial posting...

Your sister is being selfish.  She basically told you she'd rather you die early than have you be sick for a little while.  That is messed up!

Honestly, when I was treating, I would have rather been alone than have a bunch of people telling me what they thought was best.  Being alone during treatment is a plus as far as I'm concerned as long as you have somebody you can pick up the phone and call when you're down.  

Again, you can do it, Jody.  Believe that you can and you will succeed.  We are here for you.

[Alady1620]

As to catching it when you were a teen...

The same thing happened to me.  I experimented only a couple of times when I was young.  Never did drugs again but I got HcV.  You are not alone.  Life is not fair but you can beat this thing.