I can't do it

[want2live]

To everyone that has been so supportive and kind to me during this nightmare,

After my 12 week pcr coming back down from 6,900,000 to 30,000, I find myself unable to continue taking these meds. I am not sharing with the Dr. but I have been having suicidal ideation and feel like I am losing my mind, completely unable to function.
A complete emotional wreck. I have been through the wringer trying to find an antidepressant and something to relieve the riba hell I am in.
I didn't want to tell the doc cause I know I would be yanked off treatment immediately.

I'm just going to take care of myself, not drink, and rebuild my life, and be thankful for each new day.
Best of luck to you guys, I don't know how anyone can tolerate feeling the way this stuff makes you feel for 48 weeks. And to those who have, my hat is off to you.

Thanks again everyone, you guys were beacons of light in a very dark terrifying world.

[LvdByGod]

hope not...:O) but at least he had a plan...he knows us all intimately and each one is cared for by His tender loving hands...that's so comforting for me...helps me not be scared to death by all this liver stuff...no matter what happens clear or not,ESLD or no, long life or short...i will always be with Him...what better place is there?

[Tallblonde]

You're right!  Sarah was in her 90's when she conceived Issac!  Do you think God will make me wait another 45 years?  Gosh, I hope not.  Seriously though, I do trust God's plan for my life -- completely.  It'll all work out the way it's meant to.

Many blessings to you Sandi,

Susan

[cuteus]

6 months post tx?  GREAT news! ENJOY!

[imert]

Listen I know what you are going through.I experienced it myself. I had 48 weeks of treatment and none of it was pleasant. But you stick with the alternative is the greatest itself. I had feelings of ending it, why me and all of that nasty stuff you feel. But there are medicines out there that will make you feel the opposite. It is a temporary inconvenice with your life. As they say this to shall pass. Stick with it, you don't want to look back and say maybe I should have or maybe if I did. I just got back my 6 month blood test from my doctor and I am showing negative for the virus. Yeah there are alot of draw backs to the treatment but it is not a permanent state. I lost 33 pounds which was a positive and I am 0 for the virus that is another positive. Please if you can stick with it. Trust me I know what you are going through

[LvdByGod]

Susan, i'm sorry...boo..hoo...very sad to hear about...i'm glad you will try again...my prayer is the same for you...i know you will have your blessing from God eventually...keep me posted...i understand...but, have not even tried...so i guess i am not nearly as strong as you...keep your eyes on the Lord and in prayer...He will come through for you...

look at all the women of the bible who he blessed in this way...sarah,rachael,leah,mary,john the baptist's mom...they all looked to Him and He gave them there hearts desire...sarah had to wait along time though...but, when the time was perfect...He gave even her a gift in her old age...she was post menapausal too...wow,

"with God all things are possible"...

talk soon i hope, sandi...i'll keep you in my prayers...

[Tallblonde]

Well, I just received the news today that the embryo transfer didn't work.  There's cruel irony to this because I, at age 44 and with HCV, did get pregnant with the same procedure just two months ago (and quickly miscarried), but this young (age 30) healthy surrogate didn't even get a positive pregnancy test.  Arghhh!

We're going to give it another try.  It sure would be nice to get some good news on this front at some point.  We now have 6 miscarriages, 1 failed adoption, and 1 failed surrogacy (and all within the past three years!). I know you understand the frustration of this situation.  

I hope you're doing well and that you and your husband are eventually able to successfully pursue parenthood.  Thanks for writing.

Susan

[LvdByGod]

hi it's me...we talked a long while ago about fertility...my computer was down all through the holidays and then some...so i lost touch with you...i'm so glad to hear that your "in the oven" so to speak...i pray it works for you guys and that you will be holding your little sweety soon...

bob and i are still waiting and praying about our huge decision to have kids or not..."watchful waiting"...about babies...trying to find out from God on whether we should adopt or not when i finish this tx...hopefully, after the treatment we can access the fall out and see where we are at...if we are really ready for kids or not at ages 42 and 50...(i'm the 42) hee hee...but he will most likely outlive me...he's so healthy...

glad to hear your well,please keep in touch...sandi

[LvdByGod]

i just want to let you know that i am really praying for you. i echo everyones sentiments and advice to you...your LIFE is so important don't let anything including meds take that away...if you are suicidal than please talk to a dr or councilor today...they can guide you into the right decision and medical choices for your greatest good...only they know all your medical history and have the expertise...only they know how to come off the meds safely...and if you don't care for or trust one dr.then go to another...

perhaps there is even a trial going on for people who can not tolerate the meds...you won't know unless you tell your dr. everything...ask for a specialist...plus you need to be advised on the "watchful waiting" and what the best way to go about that is...how often to do biopsies...i've heard every 2 years?  does anyone know? you may want one now to see where you are at...also cat scans...blood tests to check all numbers...endoscopy?  you will want to stay on top of these things...to head things off at the pass...but when and how often will probably depend on where your liver is at now in grade and stage,etc...

so don't look at it as giving up...just as going on to the next step...there is still alot to be discovered by way of help for the liver...many studies going on to slow or stop liver damage...as well as try to kill that blasted virus...

but,we are not drs you know that, and we may not be enough to get you through this...even though we will definately be here for you...the dr and the psych CAN help you recover though...and we can support you...and GOD will love you and be with you no matter what, and never let you go...

as mentioned above you may still need to find an AD that works until the meds are completely out of your system...sometimes depression changes the chemicals in our brain and the right AD can help restore a healthy balance...i've givin you my story before...prozack is the one that helped me but it took awhile to find it and a month to start working...and i really didn't like how speedy it made me feel the first few weeks,but then it really began to work...so unless the sides are just too bad for that too, i would keep trying to find one that works for you...there are so many to choose from...

i pray that you will begin feeling much better now and the sides will go away quickly...but do seek the advice from a dr...it will make you feel better to know he supports your decision and your not just doing it on your own...

But, don't forget God too, "HE is a very present help in our time of need..." Alot of us have seen many miricles that He alone can tackle...WITH HIM THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE...

please come back tomarro and tell us what the dr. said...we will be waiting...also know we care about you so...much...sandi

[cindee]

Hey girl, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I know exactly what you are feeling. My tx days were "hell" on earth, and that's putting it mildly. I didn't have to tell my liver doctor, he could see it in me. There were many many days I wanted to die...I even prayed to die....but somehow...well I know it was GOD that kept me going. I even "planned" my own suicide...I even went so far, one nite when everyone was asleep that I poured ALL my pills out on the coffee table and got one handful, and put them up to my mouth. But I couldn't go thru w/ that plan...girl I had a few plans, not just one or two. (I am not saying this to scare anybody...everyone is different).

I did tell my shrink about it the next time I saw her. She had a fit! She said why didn't you go directly to the hospital and admit yourself and have them call me? I told her when someone feels like dying, they don't think of doing the right things!!! I had so much on my plate, that I felt like I couldn't take anymore. But being a Christian I know deep down in my heart God will not put on us, anymore than we can stand. I know now it was a test of faith for me. My shrink did change my ad's and they seem to help a little. She knows I am a Christian and I really couldn't harm myself...God brought me back to my senses.

Now after relapsing...I'm ready to go on tx again. I know in my heart it's the meds that cause us to think like that. I now stay in the word daily and I feel as though I am a miracle!

I am so sorry you have decided to stop...but please talk to your doctor's again. But only YOU can make the discission to do what's best for you. Like someone said in this post...there are new studies going on, and maybe down the road you will find one that is easier on the mind and body. As for me...well I will be lifting you up to someone who is greater than all of us. I will not judge you...I just want you to keep us informed.

There was another person here on tx and she was so ready to die too. But she stayed on tx and her postings changed alot. She got better with a new AD, and you could hear her later cheering ppl on. But I guess she's done with tx and I haven't seem her in forever!!!

You do what is right for YOU! But please promise you won't leave us here. You are part of our family now and we would miss you if you left. Remember, me and alot of others will be lifting you up to GOD. He will guide you and he will keep you safe. If ya need to talk, you can e-mail me @ ***@****    I love ya bunches, Sincerely, Cindee

[Showboat]

I am praying for you.  It hurts me to know the pain that you are going through.  I agree with our Hep brothers and sisters here that you need to speak with your Dr.  You are not alone, we are with you.  Please stay close......I know I may sound selfish....but please stay close so we know how you are doing.  We care about you.  These meds are very strong, and can effect people so many different ways......You can lean on me.

[Tallblonde]

Hi Chevy,

Thanks for asking about me.  Yes, my husband and I are using a surrogate to carry two of our frozen embryos.  The "transfer" procedure took place last week and we'll know later this week if it worked.  We're prepared to try again if it doesn't.  

I do continue to feel pretty good.  I find that the more I keep busy with other things, the less I notice the occassional achy joints, numb hands, or itchy back.  But I feel a bit awkward saying I feel good, particularly on this thread with the kind of torment that want2live is going through.  My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering in their battle against this beast.

Susan

[DebbieDo]

Lots of good advice here, sweetie........Please speak to your doctor.  You should never quit any meds until you speak to your doctor first..........Sweetie please tald to your doctor........Depression won't go away, just because you quit your meds.........You need help......I hope and i will pray that God will guide you to get some........
I wish I could say more......  Deb  .....Nuff said.....

[audreywald]

I read thru all the comments even tho I wanted to respond immediately. Chevy was so right, that I would feel a need to join in here.

The first time I did tx, on the old 3x per week, I was taken off when I could not stop crying. I told my doc and she took me off THAT day. Suicide is a major worry on these meds, it has nothing to do with our characters  - the meds can do that.

It upsets me very much when you are given the advice to seek a new antidepressant, or other alternatives to stopping. I remember your post from awhile back and it scared me. You are probably not going to die a terrible death from hep C. There is, of course, no sure thing. How are your blood results? What degree of liver damage do you have? What is your genotype? How old are you? What is your viral load?

Suicide is a horrible death. If you need to stop because of horrible mental sides, STOP. No doctor with any degree of knowledge would tell you to keep on at the risk of you harming yourself.

Only if you are so ill with Hep C that you were likely to not live would any doc encourage you to stay on.

Hopefully, there will be new and less toxic meds soon so people like us who had to stop tx, can get well.

[fsplink]

You will be in my prayers. See your doctor and be honest. That's the only way they can help you. Look to the future and know just because you couldn't do this medication doesn't mean another one won't come along that you can do. Everything happens for a reason.

[Amerabrit]

Some really good advice has been posted here for you, but whatever you do, please consult your doctor and tell the truth about everything from physical to emotional; you need help with this.  I am so sorry you're having such a rough ride and sincerely hope you start looking forward to your tomorrows.
Stay strong.

[ral]

"I want to echo what scott (revenire) said. You should involve your doctor in this decision."


I will say that is the best choice also. Let your Doctor know also.

I have been thru a lot of this depression also. Before Tx and on Tx.

My experiences have been; Going thru a child custody case involving getting our Grandson. My wife with heart and M.S. type problems, which affect her faith and understanding of what, I am going thru. Her leaving to take care of her own physical problems for two weeks which involved me watching our grandson and getting so sick I thought it might be over. A few more physical problems I won't go into but involve much pain for me everyday.

So I know what is like with this disease and plus life

[thanbey]

It is very emotional for me to see your postings because there are people who do not realize that they are suffering so much and do act on the ideations before the doctor or anyone else can intervene.

It happens more often, I think, than most people realize.

Thank goodness you do not feel the pressure to meet the expectations others would have for you and you are well enough to act on your own behalf and in your own best interest.

I hope this means you will be around (in every way) for a long time to come to comfort others and let them know that they really can make a choice that may not be popular, but is very much the right choice for some patients.

Take care of yourself.

warmly,

thanbey

www.hcop.org

[want2live]

Thank you guys, what a great bunch of caring folks.

The Doc had sent me to a pysch and they gave me some Xanax which had helped a bit for about three days. When my GI doc sent me to the pysch he had said that if we could not get me feeling better then I would have to stop. Since then I have gotten worse, so I know that he would stop tx right away. I have also been through about every SSRI trying to get better.

I know if I came clean with him about some episodes I have had he would stop tx also. And he would be right to take me off. I have not been completly honest with him because I wanted to try this no matter what and was not going to let a Dr play it safe, I felt it was my call, my life, I would decide if it got too hairy to handle.  

I stopped taking Riba Sunday and I am already feeling better, little by little.
After I get more of this stuff cleaned out of me and can think straight, I plan on meeting with the doc again.

All I can do is live healthy, and wait for a less barbaric tx to come along.

big hugs to you guys out there.

[Tallblonde]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through such hell.  I wish I could say or do something to make your anguish disappear.  It may not seem like much right now, but I want you to know that you're in my prayers.  Please don't forget your nickname: "Want2Live"  

Take care, my friend.

Susan

[catherine194]

You do need to tell your dr. because just because you stop tx does not mean this will go away overnight. It took months for it to get out of my system. I was homicidial and suicidal and was in a living hell. Has your bloodwork been done? I was put on Effexor starting with tx and was on a huge dose. You still need medical attention. You are playing with your life. Other medical problems can surface. I posted here in March and was a basket case. I took the advice gave to me and hauled my hindend to the dr. I found out I had other medical problems associated with the hep c. You could be experiencing medical problems now that I had. Please go to the dr. and TELL him. You stretched out your hand and I am taking it. I care and I will help you in anyway I can. It is hard. I have been there and I am slowly coming back. You can't think clear. I wanted to end it all and hurt no more physically or emotionally. I am about to cry because you are hurting so bad. Please know you don't have to go down that long road alone. I heard a song when I was so bad and I now know it by heart and it helped me. It is called "Long Black Train" by Josh Turner and you can download it to Real Player at www.joshturner.com. The song says to cling to the Father and his Holy Name and don't go riding that Long Black Train. Please don't. My prayers and support, Catherine, ***@****

[mikesimon]

I wat to echo what scott (revenire) said. You should involve your doctor in this decision. Since you are unilaterally contemplating quitting (perhaps you already have) I can't see the risk of talking to your doctor. And just maybe she/he will be able to help you with the mental stuff or refer you to someone who can. Our doctors are here to help us and if you are going through this kind of hell this is the time to reach out to them. Please inform your doctor about what is going on. Do not handle this alone - it's just way too risky. You've had the strength to tell us about your problems and I would suspect that this act of unburdening may have made you feel a little bit better. If so, you will feel even better once you involve your doctor if he/she is a compassionate and competent physicain. I really hope you will do this today. Good luck to you. Mike

[Fubarcat]

Please talk to your doctor about this.  Maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist that can help you find the right AD to get you through this.  The most important thing right now, as you are reading these messages, is to call you doctor and explain how you feel.  You cannot wait. You are describing some serious side effects and you need help RIGHT NOW.  Do not delay.  Please come back and let us know how you are doing.  We will be here for you.

[honey1616]

I'm so sorry that you having such a rough go of it.  Only you..Will know when enough is enough and of course we will support you either way.  I honestly can't say on how you are feeling as I have not experienced that deep depression. I do have some kinda sad days at times but I think mainly from sides and not feeling great. And there has been days that I have wanted to throw all pink pills out with shots.. but about the time it gets bad....A new day is here to get me through!  Our prayers are with you today in any decision you make!

[DonL]

Clearly it is your choice and you do what you have to do. Can you see another dr or a psychiatrist or someone to prescribe better ADs? Only reason to ask is that you've gotten 1/4 through this, and if there is any way to finish it...

Still, you do what you have to and you'll have support no matter what you do. Besides, in a couple of years, there may be other less destructive ways to combat C.