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Avatar universal

Stress on the Family- Stress on me. I can't take a separation.

Things are getting harder by the day, now my Wife, who has been so supportive is saying she can't take it anymore and wants to separate. She says that I Am overbearing and verbaly abusive. I live for my family and my kids, and i dont know what to do. I am very ittitable sometimes, I just came back from the Doctor's office and they want me to see a psychiatrist, as I am very Disraeught. What does this all mean, what shall I do? I feel that my only strenth came from the love of my family, my own strenth is so depleted.What do I do if my wife wants to separate from me?
28 Responses
Avatar universal
I'm treating alone but I'm sure you will get a lot of good experience/advice from those here who are treating/treated while married or in relationships.

Not to belittle your situation, but you might try sitting down with your wife and reading her a recent thread (below)entitled "Riba Rage". Some responses have a  bit of humor but the seriousness is right under the skin. Hopefully, it may help you both feel you're not alone in this very trying situation.

The drugs really do change us but the important thing is to remember we will come back to normal when treatment is finished. At the same time, given your situation,  you have to take action like seeing a shrink and going on AD's or sedatives, whatever makes sense. And you have to let your wife know you will do whatver it takes to make things better. You also should check with some hep c support groups in your area and maybe even bring her to a meeting.

Good luck and feel free to have your wife come on line to talk to us, if she is so inclined.
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.  jmjm gave you some very good advice.  Many of us on treatment are also on antidepressants and many also see a councelor to deal with all of the side effects which come from the medications.  Please let your wife know that you will do whatever you two decide needs doing in order to make it through this treatment together.  Treatment is very difficult and stress can and does make it harder.  I understand that you want to make things work and if you go to her with love and understanding, I'm sure she will, too.  This can often be quite a stress on relationships, you are not alone.  Many of our significant others are also under a lot of stress having to take on more than usual while we deal with our side effects and fatigue.  As jmjm stated, we go back to "normal" after treatment.  How much longer do you have left?  Please, both of you, feel free to come and write any time.  There are several spouses on the board here, too and that may offer your wife some one to identify with.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Smiles, Sue
Avatar universal
I am sorry that you are struggling and don't have a supportive wife.  I know that this may not help, but I can understand.  My husband has always been absent the entire times that I've treated.  I.E., not liiving with me.  My one and only child, a son, is severely mentally ill and lives in a psych. hospital and at times says some very cruel things to me.  It's tough to live with.  This is where this metal meets the road and you find out about the things that are most important.  I also think that you need to be in counseling.  I've had a wonderful counselor at my church for several years and she's made a lot of difference.

Take care and God Bless,

Avatar universal
So sorry you're in this tough situation.   There have been so many times when I've had to bite my tongue instead of fully "expressing" myself with my S.O. and friends.  I have to admit that not answering the phone a whole lot has helped immeasurably....

I hope your insurance will allow you to see a counselor together, because it sounds like a half dozen sessions could help quite a bit.  Talking on your own to a therapist throughout the course of tx could be valuable, too.   Whatever other issues might be rearing their heads, your wife does need to understand that  an emotional crisis of this size is registering with you right now with hurricane force.   Unless there's a revenge motive,  this is not the best of times to negotiate a separation.  Seriously, send her our way and many of us will be glad to talk with her.  

Best of luck to you, guy.  I hope this situation turns in a positive direction.
Avatar universal
Thank you both. I have not started treatment yet, as i am Cirrhotic and am being evaluated for a transplant. Later perhaps, after they are sure that they have the Aesophaghal Varicies under some control, and my psychological situation in order maybe they will put me on treatment, maybe. I thank you both for your kind words. I will tell her that i will do whatever i need to in order to stay together, but that is not in my hands.
Avatar universal
Thank you all. I will ask her to look at this thread. regarding the possible/probable seaparation:I WANT TO PREFACE IT BY SAYING THAT I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH IN THE PAST, TAKING HER LOVE FOR GRANTED ETC. CALIFIA YOU ARE SAYING SOME THINGS THAT RESONATE WITH ME, I AGREE, A separation is tough anytime but now of all times, for Goddess-sake. The suffering makes my body feel worse. my emotions just ask my body to shut down, to give up.

Again, thank you all, I Am sorry to bring up drama.
Avatar universal
I do hope this gets settled. I also hope that your doc will treat even though you are cirrhotic. I am too and my doc said. "at the very least my liver will get a break".  As far as your S.O.,(signifacant other)-  I hope she finds the understanding to cope with this sad and trying time. I know it can be very difficult to watch a loved one suffer but now is not the time to throw in the towel, good luck and may God bless.
Avatar universal
I have two children with me here at the house, it is Friday, and she is outsomewhere with her cellphone off.
Avatar universal
For all that cannot for any reason get to counseling there are many excellent, reasonble,accredited sites online.
I have used one a few years back and was more then pleased with the results. At the time I was dealing with multiple deaths in the family over a 4 years time span . I just did'nt know how to process the grief.
I am now looking online again . I live in a rural area , do not wish to incur the cost of traditional therapy..
Avatar universal
Sorry to hear of your struggles right now.  Relationships can bring out the best and worst of us espeically when crisis and stress creep up.

I have been married for 23 years and for the past 10 have been on ADs and had various years with intensive counseling.  My doctor's were leary of letting me tx due to my history of chronic depression and mood swings.  However, I completed 24/24 this year and cleared.  It was very difficult for my husband and children to see me not be the person they have up on their pedestal.  Likewize, I had to take a second look at why I had them on pedestals.  It all boiled down to expectations we have of each other.  Thinking we could all read each other's minds and assume (U know what that means) that things were said or not as a result of something we were taking personally.

My husband and I have really had our share of loss, grief, anger, resentments and changed lives due to all of these things, not at all like what we dreamed so many years ago.  Twice through the years we talked the D word and were ready to throw in the towel.  But we didn't.  

Not sure I really have any advice, but if I can just share what has worked for us...

About 6 years ago, we sat down and talked about our hurts, dreams and expectations.  We agreed to take each other off the pedestal (which we still do daily sometimes) and put our faith in God up there instead.  Then we agreed that our children would never come before us, or God, and they would not be used as a tool or reason to get a wedge between our relationship.  (let me say the kids got really confused on this one and couldn't figure out why we had become a TEAM)

Lastly, we agreed to do whatever it takes to be the two people who started this journey out all those years ago and see it through.  To do this, we have embraced each other's differences, likes, dislikes, and uniqueness.  We have MADE ourselves take time to listen to each other (instead of hearing noise and in our own minds congure up our own responses to what we really weren't hearing)and we try to connect DAILY for at least a half hour.  We take trips on the weekends together and at least one trip a year alone together.  This can be a logistical nightmare with kids, pets, work, etc. but we do it anyway.  

Tx was hard, but we got through it, raising kids is hard, but we are doing it, being sane and healthy is a daily goal for both of us but we do it together and have learned that each day is more important than the ones behind or ahead.

I do hope your wife will come to the board and read, join in, and benifit from the wisdom and knowledge here.

Will be praying for your family.

Avatar universal
That about sums it up for me! I am printing this for my husband who is not on my list of favorite people right now. I found out I have Hep C on June 16th, I just saw the gastro last Friday and he seems concerned about my stomach pains right now, deal with that first he says...so I had an upper Endo this last Thurs, he took bx's and says call in a week. I puked all day, couldn't keep anything down...Friday I had a headache all day...husband was acting like a jerk all day (connection?)..today he starts a fight first thing in the morning and then leaves for work without a word...Everytime I need him to help me because I am sick or had surgery or whatever, he gets anoyed about it, like I am such a royal pain and why can't I get my own puke bucket? To top it off, my best friend of 20 years is moving to 3,000 miles away to Portland Oregon in a few weeks...I am not having a good week! It was good to find your post and know that all the little things that plague me day to day are not just me...so often I didn't want to go to a bar-b-que or birthday party or spend the whole day with his aunt or whatever...I always look like the anti social one. I'm glad to know it's not my fault, it is what it is...I will leave all of these posts for him to read and maybe he will 'cowboy up'....and I haven't even started treatment yet! yikes!  
Avatar universal
snook - you are a very wise young man...the letter you printed was very true to heart and insightful.  thank you.  i know i will use it often.

biophil - i'm so sorry about your troubles...you know, i was on the other side of this coin 6 years ago when my husband was diagnosed with kidney failure (also hep-c; liver damage minimal, a 1 and they focused on kidneys)  anyway, he had two long years on dialysis, and then a kidney transplant.  we had three young girls and i resented his illness, i was angry with him.  he grew depressed and we grew apart.  not a good situation for anyone.  we went to councelling, both together and apart. it helped tremendously.  I've been on AD's since b4 then but they changed my meds.  i'm on them now with tx and also an anti anxiety medicine but i still am short tempered then can cry in a matter of seconds.  my girls are doing their best; they all go to councelling (different councellors - they all have different needs - you need to find the right one) but i will still show them snooks letter to help them better understand what i'm going thru.
My husband died april '03; he just turned 50 in feb.  With the help of councelling i was able to be by his side thru all the years he was ill and even his good years after transplant.  i held his hand and wiped his tears and told him how much i loved him all the day he died.  i have no regrets, and i miss him like hell....
bring your wife here.  i hope she comes and reads and understands.  always remember tho, we are all here for you. this place is the best support i will receive ever.
be well.
<3 michelle
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