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Avatar universal

being unavailable to loved ones

I feel so terrible. My daughter had a baby on Monday, and does not understand why I cannot make it by myself to the hospital to see them. I was there awaiting the birth of the baby, and then I went to see my liver doc - I was so ill that night I thought I was dying. Today I am somehow going to get to my hair salon, and I made the mistake of telling her. She is hurt that I can do this but not come by myself to see her. I am worried about making it to the hairdresser, because a lot of intestinal sides are happening to me, and it scares me to have even a 15 minute trip with no emergency bathroom nearby. And I feel I need to do this hair thing, I feel so ugly and I need to do something for me. I already cancelled one hair appt.

But, I feel so guilty. I got this lovely illness because I was using drugs, until she was 15. So I was not much of a mom. Since I have been clean, we have been at odds, off and on. When my grandson was 3 she gave him to me, saying she would put him in a foster home if I did not take him. Now she is very bitter that I did not give him back to her after she "got better".

I do not feel the life of a child is something people trade with each other. My husband and I worked very hard to make my grandson feel wanted and cherished, and I feel it would have devestated him to be "given back" as if he were disposable. Besides, my daughter is bi polar and I am not at all sure that she would do well with her older son, who is very bitterly angry at her.

How do I make everyone happy?
18 Responses
Avatar universal
ps - sorry for ranting. Brain fog is starting to set in and I am not as eloquent as I normally am. My question is: how do I be available to the people I love and still take care of myself?
Avatar universal
I really can't comment on the parenting issues, but I can see how someone might be upset thinking you could make it to a hair appointment but not to see your new grandchild. I am not blaming you here, or making any value judgements, but you must admit it does look strange.
Avatar universal
oh sweetie....you really are suffering much and it seems that maybe maybe...taking on far TOO MUCH of other peoples ****.(sorry if the word offends)...and their emotions....YOU ARE ILL LOVEY.....and raising your grandson and have a husband AND AND AND ......the list goes on and on.....you know, perhaps, it is simply a matter of for now...putting yourself FIRST i know you may feel some remorse for not being as available for your daughter when she was younger, but we are all...who we are...and inspite of our pasts...we move forward always....the past can not dictate always how we live presently and if it did...we would ALL be re-paying old emotional/spriritual/karmic debts forever...(and maybe we are to a degree)....but right now THIS IS ABOUT YOU.....AND YOU ALONE you need the energy to go to YOU and your healing and treatment.....so that there WILL be time later to be there for others.....you know...i am not sure...but i think maybe you would benifit from looking into a program like al-anon which helps to teach how to NOT get so caught up in everyone elses 'stuff',and needs, and allow others demands emotionally to control our lives...this is just a thought, but i have seen from a few of your posts that you really are very nurturing and constantly giving and struggle with GIVING ENOUGH TO YOURSELF....i know that it IS VERY difficult to learn to set bounderies for ourselves and to simply, calmly say NO!!! but it is possible to learn to do so sweetie, and with every step you take in setting those bounderies, you will become stronger and you will find that saying no to demands of your time and energy will become easier with time...but right now...we need to get you on a CRASH COURSE of this...SAYING NO stuff....it IS OKAY to assert yourself, self love darlin....practice SELF LOVE...do not even engage in dialog when you feel you are being demanded of....simply say POLITELY "No, i'm am not able to do that today, hope you manage to work out an alternative, I have to go now, take care, bye!" AND HANG UP!!!and move on...i think this will be very empowering for you.... oh, i'm rambling, hope this helps a wee bit sweetie.....hang in
love kimmy
Avatar universal
I cannot tell you how much your comments touched my heart. Wacky, thank you for telling me that. I needed to hear it; that is exactly what my daughter says to me, he is more mine than hers. Well, YEAH, I have raised him since he was 3. (now 11) This new baby will be my grandson, but my grandson who lives with me is my heart. I think the new baby will not end upo with me, he has a good dad, other grandparents ... my older boy had only me for so long.

Ringading, your kindness made me simply want to say, "I love you."
Avatar universal
okay...i have to jump BACK IN....in response to britgirl honey,and i am saying this to you with love... audrey WAS THERE awaiting the birth the entire time....she didn't even EAT and had her own doctors stuff and appointments and suffered emensly as a result...there is ONLY SO MUCH you can do on treatment, only so much to give....and pushing that is very dangerous....sometimes something as simple as sitting in a hairdressers chair with your eyes closed and being pampered...IS THE BEST THING TO DO!!!!AND NO NOT SELFISH in this case at ALL...BUT SELF LOVE, something i think we all need more of espeacially during treatment.....anyway, her daughter will be FINE...i was 100% alone during my pregnancy,not a single family member, not a friend, NO ONE.... 44 hours of labour, emergency c-section, AND living in a new and strange city NOT KNOWING ANYONE....and i WAS FINE and so was and is my daughter.....AUDREY GET THAT HAIR DONE GIRL!!! you need some loving and nurturing.....
Avatar universal
Listen, I gave my Grandson back to my daughter after "she got better"  Why?... because I promised her I would.  Quess what, less then a year later she dropped him off on my doorstep because "she couldn't handle him and he's more yours then mine" (I received custody at 4 mos and "gave him back" when he was going on 3).  It was the worse thing I could of done!  He never accepted her and HE suffered, not her.  She also went back on Crack and DCF gave me custody of my granddaughter too.  DO NOT feel guilty!!!!!  She made her bed, not you!!!!  It's time to do for YOU.  YOU are the most important person in the world right now.  If she was well, she would understand that. Do your hair - don't worry about her.  She is a grown up now and it's time she acted like it. God Bless you, Kathe
PS - don't be surprised if you end up w/more Grandchildren......
Avatar universal
hi:  sometimes i think its good to tell someone especially who is close to you and may already have a fragile relationship with::  "i will come and see you just as soon as i have the strength to-things are pretty iffy right now."  since it sounds like you really care about your daughter and her well being.  You had to be firm about keeping your grandchild.   insteaad of just "saying no"  give them a little something to let them no they are not being written off. if some people dont understand it isnt your problem. maybe they will understand later.   treatment made me have difficulty putting things in perspective.  it gets better after treatment.
Avatar universal
I think the bottom line is that you need to get healthy so you can be there for a long time for your grandkids.  Sounds like they really need a stabilizing force in their lives and that is you.  So, if you are exhausted and cannot make the trek to go to the hospital, but just have enough energy to get your hair done to make yourself feel better, then get your hair done, and know that by taking care of yourself, in the long run, you will be there to enjoy your grandkids.  I also agree your daughter's hormones are all off kilter which is probably why she is being so unreasonable.  She is a parent now (again) and she has a second chance to get it right.  She should understand that you need to take care of yourself so you can be there to help her later on down the road.  Do not feel guilty and don't let her make you feel guilty.  Have your hair done, take a nap, go see your new grandson when you have the energy to enjoy holding him and cuddling him and loving him.  What good would it do to go see him and not even have the energy to hold the little snookums?
Avatar universal
OK, I guess I was being unsympathetic....sorry! I guess it's hard for me to understand sometimes because I got through tx without it affecting me too much. I realise I was one of the lucky ones.
As for the henna, it's a great idea. I don't go to hair salons, but I do put henna on my hair at home every six months or so and it makes it really glossy and healthy looking.
Avatar universal
I went to the hospital; cancelled hair appt. I think it was a mistake, my son in law offered me some pictures of the baby, and my daughter said no, if I wanted pictures I should have brought a camera, besides, she had one extra set and gave them to her mother in law.

She is very angry at me for "alienating" her older son, and I knew it would be like this. The problem is my emotional state is fragile, and I feel so broken hearted. I think if I were in her shoes, I would be very afraid to let me get too close to the new baby, I already have the affection of her other child. I understand, but there is nothing I can do about it.

On a better note, I stopped at a health food store and bought a plant based henna, I will have my husband help me apply it. Thanks for all your support, I feel so broken hearted, it must be partly the meds.
Avatar universal
oh honey...my heart sooo goes out to you, it breaks!!!! i am sorry that your experience in going there today was so sad and hard on you, yes your are fragile....we are fragile emotionally on this stuff, some days way more than others, but that would have been tough to take, with or without treatment!
...now...careful willyah sweetie, cause when i read your lovely touching 3 wee words.....it made tears POP out of my eyes instantly, almost, perjectile like....then i couldn't see the screen, then i didn't know WHAT to say....then i needed to get up and walk abit, then i needed a smoke, then a latte, then i realised.....that i was boardering on de-hydration anyways....so what was a few tears.....then i realised.....i haven't heard THAT in so long......thank you!

p.s..opps....what a frikken LIE...befudd sent me a smiley face JUST today , with little tiny arms saying...i love you....!!!!
oh...i'll print those off and convert to 'post-it-notes' so i know i'm loved...big hugs...hang in kiddo, we are all here and share one anothers sorrow and joy....
Avatar universal
Thank you so much again. Befuddled, I have a therapist for me, one for my grandson, we each have a shrink ... my daughter I hope will get some help too, but I have no control over that.

Ringading, Befuddled, I cannot put into words what your support means to me right now. I can't reach anyone on the phone to cry to, your concern and understanding is what I am clinging to. I feel not alone.

Being an addict in recovery for 18 years, I am discovering, it is not a given that all my dues are paid. The Hep is part of all that, as are my daughters problems. (I do not blame myself fully, but I do need to own a large portion)

For those people who think it might be ok to drink or get high, I just want to tell you that it is not worth it. The price is too high.
Avatar universal
Quit kicking yourself!! You don't deserve it.  We all make mistakes, it's what you do to fix it that counts.  I love my daughter VERY much and I know it seems like I am void of all emotions for her, but she used me as an excuse for years as to why she lost her children. 3 months ago she did it again with two more Grandchildren.  I ended up with them also....a week later I found out I was a hepper.  I quickly removed the children from me and placed them with their other Grandparents. I couldn't stand the thought of a 1 and 3 year old falling in love with me then seeing me die.(If that was Gods plan).  She's since come back and is in treatment AGAIN, but is also pregnant AGAIN. I refuse to hold myself responsible for any of this. I have always welcomed her with open arms (and will continue) but I will NOT enable her. Hopefully your doctor has you on AD's.  I am on 30 mg of Lexapro a day and that, my parents (and this forum)is the only thing that keeps me going. Love your daughter but don't take any **** from her.  Whatever you did was years ago and she just needs to GET OVER IT!!! It's actually her time to help YOU!!!!  More prayers coming your way, Kathe
Avatar universal
Thanks Brit - it takes a strong person to admit a mistake.  We all have bad days or as I call them "brain farts". I remind myself everyday that my life could be worse.  Today I'm praying for the family of the little girl in Sarasota, Fl that was found dead after being taken by a man outside of a carwash.  Our problems are small compared to theirs........Kathe
Avatar universal
Yes, they found her this morning I believe. I am so sad today.
I ask everyone to PLEASE hug your children and Grandchildren and your friends children, today and everyday.  Tell them how much they mean to you and how special they are!! Consider yourself lucky to have such joy in your life.  Please pray for the family of this little girl.  Thank you.
Avatar universal
How did the henna do??  Are you feeling better??
Avatar universal
Wow! So much to comment on! My heart does go out to you, Audrey.
What a horrible position to be in! I think that everyone pretty much covered what I'd say to you...you just can't please everyone all of the time, and right now you have to be your #1 priority. I cannot imagine a child being so callous as to turn a blind eye to the suffering a parent. It simply boggles my mind! I know that when I was on treatment, the smallest of trips became a major problem for more than one reason. I couldn't go to the store without being pushed around in a wheelchair. I found that out the hard way. Had promised my son a trip to the mall to buy him some clothes, when I was about a month and a half into the treatment. Never even entered my mind that it would prove to be a problem. We'd (my mother went with us, thank god) walked maybe the length of half a football field, when the shortness of breath kicked in, closely following by profound dizziness, and the feeling that I was going to pass out at any moment. I had to be wheeled back to the car. Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified at what had occurred. It curtailed my shopping trips for quite awhile. In addition to that, with all of the liquid I was required to drink, couldn't afford to get too far away from a restroom.

Don't feel guilty about having to put yourself first. What you're doing for yourself now will benefit your whole family in the long run.

As to the little girl in Florida. The news that they'd found her body was heartbreaking. I was so hoping that she'd be found alive, and returned to her parents. This is an unsafe world that we live in now, and that we cannot as parents, feel safe about letting our children walked small distances unescorted is a sign that things are only getting worse. What is it going to take to wipe these predators from the face of the earth? I think that our judicial system is in serious need of reform. From what I've heard of this man's criminal record, he should've been removed from free society long ago. It's all just so sad and so very senseless.
Avatar universal
I tried to post to you the other day and this darn computer was messing up! So here I go again. My daughters were driving me crazy. They are 28 @ 30. I took custody of my 10 yr old g.daughter. We'ver been together most of her life. My 30yr old, my g.daughter @ I were sharing a 3 bedrm, 2 bath apt. Well I moved out in Oct.of 2002. I met the man of my dreams and we got married. From then on it was downhill for my 30yr old. She moved in w/ her step-sister, and started going out @ nite. We thought she was going to clubs. She was a waitress and all would gather after work. Well I found out about 3 months ago she was using cocaine. Now crack! I thought it would drive me crazy and my Mother told me it would if I didn't stop worrying. SO WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU IS >>>>>> TAKE CARE OF>>>YOU<<<<<<. We both need to learn to say NO. And I have reached that point. LET ANYBODY HELP YOU WITH CHORES. I ALWAYS FELT LIKE NOBODY COULD DO THINGS, LIKE HOUSEWORK, COOKING BETTER THAN ME!!!!! BUT GUESS WHAT>>>>>> THEY CAN <<<<< So you take care of yourself! You have been in my prayers, Cindee
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