relationship problems

[pjpie]

has anyone had a problem with your relationship since tx, please tell me its not just me
.

[pjpie]

you feed my soul

[Mrt7250]

Yes, we are having a relationship problem and I am not the one being treated. I'm told that I don't understand and don't care. Problem is I do but I handle things differently. I am very direct. White and black. No gray area. My lady is a "new" relationship that I value deeply. My other lady (31 years) passed five years ago from cancer. So you might say I've been there, seen that.

We on the "outside" of treatment care and that needs to be recognized. Treatment should not be used as the reason or excuse everytime. It hurts us more than realized every time the needle pricks the skin.

Best of luck to you and your relationship.

[Mrt7250]

Yes, we are having a relationship problem and I am not the one being treated. I'm told that I don't understand and don't care. Problem is I do but I handle things differently. I am very direct. White and black. No gray area. My lady is a "new" relationship that I value deeply. My other lady (31 years) passed five years ago from cancer. So you might say I've been there, seen that.

We on the "outside" of treatment care and that needs to be recognized. Treatment should not be used as the reason or excuse everytime. It hurts us more than realized every time the needle pricks the skin.

Best of luck to you and your relationship.

[kickboxingmom]

Your more than welcome.You sound like a caring husband and person.Good luck to you and yours !

[DragonSlayer45]

PJ,


As you can tell from the previous responses, this can be a rough treatment not only for us but can take it's toll on our loved ones too. There have been quite a few relationships that did not survive this treatment, and there are some that became stronger. Whether some were on rocky ground to begin with or not is not for me to say or judge.

I agree that the meds can and do change some of us. I have noticed the change and and I realize it is me not everyone else. It has been tough for my family and especially my wife at times as she usually gets the ugliest part of me. After working all day and putting forward your best, you sometimes come home shot. They are left to pick up or at least deal with the pieces. My wife has been great, she really tries hard and I make sure I tell her how much I love her and bring home flowers and the like often. I am lucky to have her and have told her as much many times.


Kickingboxing Mom,

Thanks for reposting that letter Meki wrote, I remember it and it is pretty accurate. I passed it along to my family.

[kickboxingmom]

To: meki's response
Stay far enough away that your noise doesn't affect me, or your perfumes or colognes don't overpower me... Or so that you don't hurt my aching bones --- or steal the air that I feel that I can't get enough of. Stay far enough away so that I don't feel like growling at you for absolutely no reason, but for some reason seems to be the most important thing at that moment to me.

Don't talk to me... Because nothing you're going to say is going to make much sense to me in the first place, and it makes me angry that for some strange reason I feel like I'm in a bubble and can't communicate properly back to you and I'm frustrated.

Don't touch me because it hurts - because right now my skin is on fire and it itches and there is nothing I can do to put that fire out or scratch that itch.

Don't play loud music or turn up the tv to blaring - because I'm sensitive to sounds and lights.

If I'm in a dark room - leave the lights off. If I'm in a bright room - leave the lights on. Sudden changes in lighting or temperature take on a whole new meaning for me --- and it's usually painful or very uncomfortable.

If I seem like I can't hear you - or I  take forever to answer your question - don't take it personally - I may not be able to push past the fog in my head. I hate that I can't talk back to you - or carry on a full conversation. In my head I'm feeling guilty as it is and frustrated that I can't... Because it seems like it should be there - right on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't seem to find it. And I don't know how to find it. I don't even know where it is. So please don't just stand there waiting for my answer, I can't give it to you.

Hold me when I ask for it - because I need it desperately right then.

Love me no matter how much I yell or scream - or just lie there looking sicker than a dog.

Cook for me - even though I tell you I can't eat it - maybe an hour later I'll be able to taste it - or maybe it will not make me throw up again or I won't be queasy for the next 24 hours and it might be alright.

Know that sometimes no matter what you do - because you're not me, going through these things, you just can't possibly understand it.

Understand that none of this is personal... Or maybe that it's more personal than anything I've ever done before.

Know that I am doing this for you.

[rita863]

I think this TX is takes a big toll on our families..  We are usually the strong ones, and for me personally, I was the one in the house who did it all, worked, cooked, cleaned food shopped laundry bills etc.......

My husband did step up and help out ALOT!!!  He took over alot. My kids 25 and 19, both on their own tried to help out too.  

The thing about this TX, unlike a Cancer patient, they do not see us laying their, with clumps of hair falling out, or vomitting non stop....They really dont get how awful we feel...


Hope this helps!!!!

Good luck

peace
rita

[CMcH]

I expected my husband to leave me within 3 months because I used to do everything with the house and the kids. He has really risen to the occasion and I think it has brought us closer. You can't expect anyone not on TX to understand how you feel but after a few heart to hearts he now calls me everyday to see how I feel. He still needs to be reminded about the kids schedules but it is much better than before. I was hoping to get the kids to kick in and help more. They are old enough but it is a work in progress.
I know I have changed and I don't really like what I have become. I fly into rages and just like to hibernate in my bedroom after work. I have gained 25#'s and I used to be very athletic. I miss my runs it was a calming stress reducing time for me. Now I just stew in my own juices. I can see how this would be a real strain on any relationships.
I have also been pretty pissy with my boss at work. I try not to subject myself to too many people these days. It helps to forward some posts from here so they can see how others feel too. Meki had a good letter to the family that I sent to my husband & kids.
You can probably find it in the archives.

[meki]

I started to comment on this a while back... And had to stop...

Had to think about some things...

First --- YES!

I changed completely into someone else at the end of TX.

It was a lot of the thinking I did while I was on TX... The reactions of others - and how I handled it.

I became a much stronger person and a much more capable person of handling things.

I became someone I liked a LOT better.

I did change.

I watched how my husband and family treated me.

My husband "spoke" all the right words.

But --- when it came down to it --- he didn't do the right things.
He said he was behind me all the way --- but when it came down to it - he only paid the bills --- and had sex --- when I was capable of having sex.

He was sweet --- never rude... But he never took me to the doctor's office.

I ended up flying off the island to have a hysterectomy - with a few other surgeries included but --- BY MYSELF --- and having to take a Taxi from the hospital to the airport.

And a few other things - like --- We had a sonicare toothbrush --- He refused to use the bottom part of it once I was diagnosed.

Little things bothered me... And he couldn't understand why I got upset when he didn't know WHAT procedure or WHY I needed to do something.

He expected me to feel "normal" when I could barely sit up.

He didn't "HARP" on me about cleaning the house --- but he stopped COMMUNICATING with me. I felt like a stranger in my own home... Like we were just friends.

And so I changed... Internally and Externally --- and I divorced him a few months ago.

It wasn't a long dramatic split up - it wasn't a horrible marriage or anything... Just it wasn't "RIGHT"...

And I think most of it was because I did change.

But I FEEL that I changed for the better.

I became the person who I am on the inside.

Instead of "watching" what I say --- I say what I think now.

If I feel like doing something - I do it --- within reason --- Because we only have ONE life to live.

I like who I am now... A lot better than who I was.

And my Ex didn't particularly care for the person I became. Or --- maybe --- he didn't change with me.

And he didn't take the time to learn about the disease or the TX for it --- and that - I think hurt the worst... Because if the situation had been reveresed --- I would have studied EVERYTHING --- I would have looked up every single cure... I would have done ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I could have to help --- both mentally and physically.

I would have gone to every doctor appointment.

I would have learned what the test results meant.

I would have never let him go through all of it alone.

So is it you?

Or is it him?

Did he change into someone you didn't like when he found out what disease you had --- and realized what you have to do to go through it --- and it isn't all pretty like it is in the movies?

Or did you change?

Or did both of you change?

[merryBe]

whooo wheee   does a bear s in the woods???

it's hard, it's cranky, it feels crumby, sick, and doesn't want to be touched because it's skin is crawly and dry and ithcy and super sensitive....it jumps at everything and it's stomach churns at even the glimmer of a discussion.....

and it's you....or your beloved.....

welcome to treatment....or purgatory as some might prefer to label it.

))))     I'm on treatment, my husband is in counseling to deal with my treatment...

funny, but whatever works...its hard on the caregivers too....
it's mainly that we don't LOOK any different....but we feel so icky...and it's hard for a well person to understand why you don't just bounce around like you used to....
well when you get out of breathe just walking to bathroom, jigs and doing the light fandago just aren't top priorities anymore.

For better of worse, spouses need to learn about the disease, and ergo learn to deal with it..that's all. Deal with it...however you must but if you love each other you have to try.

and ps...my Libido moved to Paris where she now sells pictures of sad poodles with druppie desheveled ribbons........  ; )

C'est la vie

mb

[Kristina538]

"I'm not up to cooking dinner tonight" is a great line.   Sometimes I'll manage to cook something liver friendly for myself and my partner cooks for himself and my son.   He expected me to be a lot worse during tx as I'm still managing housework and shopping and he does a lot of the cooking.

We've had a few 'heart to hearts'... usually when I've had a really good week and he subconsciously thinks I'm going to be fine until EOT.   When I get the bone pain or fatigue, I just remind him it's not good.   He recently had the Hep B vaccination for work and wasn't well for a few days which was a great time to gently remind him that I felt like that a good deal of the time because of the chemicals in my system raging the battle.   I do have to actively tell them when I'm not having a good day and their support increases.  It's hard to get that balance,  but try to put your own needs first.    

[geterdone]

Oh no, the Danger Zone! The short answer is you have changed not he. Not outside but inside and he can not see that. If you had stitches, cast or are black and blue there would be evidence that something has happened but it is not the case here. No one will understand what’s going on inside if they have not been there. These meds alter your perception first and foremost and then the physical aspects will start appear slowly as time goes on during treatment. It may be time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him now before a trigger point is at hand. My trigger point hit when she said, what in the hell is wrong with you at about week 13, duh! Thank god she is a Libra.

jasper

[UK2008]

It's definitely not just you. My husband is also supportive in the abstract, but he and the kids (teenage) still expect 'business as usual' (regarding dinner, laundry, shopping etc). Luckily I only work part-time, but am even finding that quite a struggle lately. Sometimes I feel as though I'm living in a sort of nether world, just getting by day to day. I feel as though I've lost my acuity and sense of humor (certainly a lot of hair!) but am just hanging on to the fact that this all will pass - you're not alone (the force - or this forum at least - is with you)

[Gitfiddler]

Pj, to me it sound like he is in denial about what you go thru and still expects you to do for him when in reality do for yourself and tell him to fix his own dinner. also remind him to clean up his mess after.

[scruples]

well to be honest, the problem may exist on both sides i.e on his side or on your side as well coz during tx we become so much touchy and depressed somewhat negative minded that even a normal things seems hurting.

Anyhow he should realize that your energy level is not as of a normal healthy person and expectations should be amended accordingly. Actually no one knows what we ( on tx) are facing only someone who has passed through this can feel that. you should talk to him in friendly manner and tell him about your condition. Everyone of us is SICK OF BEING SICK but look at the future , the bright future when we live HCV free life and our energies , strength and mental toughness will be back.

wish you best of luck

[pjpie]

no I ment like they, well he , acts like i should be fine and is saying hes supportive and whats for dinner, im just sick of being sick, sorry

[scruples]

I am not sure what exactly your prroblem is but most of us have social and relationship problems during tx. Reasons are in thousands like people's hatred for HCV patients, frustration and depression caused by tx, mental tension and some time instability caused by tx , physical and psychological inabilities during tx like low sex drive etc, General behaviour of people around us when they treat as we are inferior or somewhat dangerous for them etc etc. In our part of world most of people on tx try to hide this fact from others.