Pseudo-Intellectual Meta-Physical Gibberish Thread
Blues Gave me the Hep I Thought
By the Reverend Dr. Moses Ulysses ''Stubby' Carver, Phd, M.D
Published July 2006 in the November issue of 'Mojo Medicine'
Some time back, oh around 1978 or 1979, I started hearing about an illness that left people tired and worn down you see. I tested and tested and the only thing I was able to discover was that the one thing all the peoples had in common was they listened to the blues. The blues. Everything was tried to cure this. I had my patients try other blues. Delta blues, Texas blues, Chicago blues. We even tried switching to New Orleans jazz but to no avail. It was clear, the blues caused a mysterious illness that no other music did. ( note: I did have one patient some years later that listened to Johnny Lang, a North Dakota blues impersonator. She later died in her sleep of B.B.S. or 'bad blues syndrome' )
In a triple blind study and 48 hour revival using Percy Faith as a placebo with 1/2 of the subjects getting only Percy Faith and the other half getting Blind Lemon Jefferson or Percy AND Blind Lemon, none of the Percy Faith group contracted this strange illness.
This begged the question that had to be answered. Does Percy Faith cure this mysterious illness ?
I did not know. The study was flawed. It seemed that the Blind Melon group had something that the Percy Faith group did not. They all drove cadillacs built BEFORE nineteen sixty nine. Suddenly a new question emerged. Did Cadillacs built before 1969 cause this mysterious illness ? I was not convinced.
To make matters worse, it was later discovered that ALL of the participants of the study indulged in BBQ consumption, both beef and pork however, the group that consumed mainly pork had a higher incident of the illness than the beef group, expecially when it came to ribs. Pork butt appeared to be benign but in my study I only found only one pure pork butt eater. I refer to this subject in my white paper dated July 4th, 1977 titled, 'Pork Butt Disease, it's Causes and Cures'. Beef brisquette, properly slow cooked over several hours at 175 degrees produced varying results. None of the subjects consumed BBQ chicken as this was a misdemeaner crime in most states at the time, punishable by up to 45 minutes of community service.
During the 1980's our study was put on hold as the deadly virus HIV ravaged the country and the world. The blues illness was put on the back burner and no one hardly ever mentioned it other than a few of the old bluesman. Jimmy 'Flyswatter' Cole later said that back in the late 70's and early 80's, the blues almost died a terrible death at the hands of the illness and a'nother' talentless west coast band named 'Van Halen'. ( Note: Read my article from Rolling Stone dated October 1985 - "Van Halen, Has Everyone Lost Their Frickin Minds" ) Many blues fans were lost in the 80s otherwise known as the 'Van-Rothenhager-Era' to suicide, lost hope and a surrender to subpar music. David Lee Roth alone is responsible for the deaths of nearly 14 million. This is nothing short of bluesicide. Were it not for emergence of SRV the entire blues world may have very well be wiped from the face of the earth.
My 1980's findings caused me to go back in detail over the 1970's and the emergence of this illness and what I found was shocking. What I found was, the Bee Gees. An australian group of brothers who pawned melodic rhymes with perfect haircuts and strange outerwear made from petroleum products. Many soon followed. ( note: refer to my January 1978 article in Vibe Magazine: K.C. and the Sunshine Band What da' F*ck !! ) There were few survivors. It was so bad that when Van HagerRoth came on the scene, they were seen as saviours, but they were debils. Debils in sheeps clothing.
It was during this period that I, your reverend doctor of the blues, began shooting smack. I shot smack as often as I could and as much as I could afford. I OD'd no less than 47 times during a Donna Summer tribute on Jamm FM 92 and still, it would not kill the pain. You see there is no cure for Donna Summer. Some pain, you just have to eat. This is when I realized that it was not the blues that caused mine and others illness, but a lack thereof. Who I ask, did not want to load an 8 ball up in month old blood encrusted syringe sharpened on a box of matches and pass it around when they heard Rick James 'Superfreak' or watch Rod Stewert sell his own soul before your very eyes ? Men stronger than me, I admit.
So what did we learn from our lengthy study over 3 decades ? Bad music kills people. Simple as that.