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Todays Joke
Chinese detective
Guy suspected his wife was cheating him and hired a detective to follow her. As he didn't have a lot of money he hired the cheapest one, a Chinese. Few days later he received the letter:
Most honorable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Guy suspected his wife was cheating him and hired a detective to follow her. As he didn't have a lot of money he hired the cheapest one, a Chinese. Few days later he received the letter:
Most honorable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Good one!!! I KNOW I'm the kind of woman that scares the devil in the morning!!
My husband and daughter SING in the morning....it's so annoying!
My husband and daughter SING in the morning....it's so annoying!
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the *** and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block."
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the Devil says, 'Oh ****, She's up!'"
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the *** and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block."
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the Devil says, 'Oh ****, She's up!'"
Very good! I heard the newfie birthday joke told by a man at his 90th birthday party. My husband missed the fact that he wasn't telling a real first person story and his reaction of horror was even funnier than the joke. I'll pass the You're a Newfie If... to my cousin in Alaska. Half of it could apply to Cajun culture (arrived in deep south by way of new foundland. All I gotta do is substitute some gators and high water). The airbag story will definitely get forwarded. Thanks.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,'
He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75
He pushes his luck.
'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80.
'I want the car, too,'
he continues.
85 mph.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her,
'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
�The airbag.�
The Newfie Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- naked.
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- naked.
You know you're from Newfoundland when...
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the ****."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the ****."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
You would need to buy 101 million randomly selected tickets in order to have a 50 percent chance of winning the jackpot.
You would have to buy one ticket per minute for 193 years to purchase that many tickets,"
You would have to buy one ticket per minute for 193 years to purchase that many tickets,"
What are the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot?
the chance that you will die in the next 30 seconds is greater than the chance that your Powerball ticket will hit the jackpot,"
the chance that you will die in the next 30 seconds is greater than the chance that your Powerball ticket will hit the jackpot,"
PIERRE, S.D. (AP) - The town of Winner, S.D., has produced a winner - and a $232 million one at that.
The winning ticket for Wednesday night's $232 million Powerball jackpot was sold in the ranching and farming town of 2,800 people.
"How often does something like this happen - a winner in Winner, S.D.?" Norm Lingle, executive director of the South Dakota Lottery, said at a news conference Thursday.
It's the ninth-largest Powerball jackpot ever and the biggest ever paid out in South Dakota, he said.
The ticket-holder has 180 days to claim the prize, and the Lottery said it has not received any calls on the jackpot.
"There's certainly no hurry to come in and claim the prize. This is certainly a life-changing, life-altering experience and they need to seek professional advice," Lingle said.
Only two retailers sell Powerball tickets in town: the Ampride and Lil' Feller convenience stores, said Mike Mueller, South Dakota Lottery spokesman. The seller of the jackpot ticket won't be announced until the winner comes forward, he said. The business that sold the ticket gets $50,000.
Lil' Feller Convenience Store owner Brian Schaeffer and Ampride manager Shawn Ulmer said the winner had not contacted them.
Out of the millions of tickets sold for Wednesday night's drawing, only one matched all six winning numbers: five, six, twelve, 16 and 21. The Powerball was seven.
Powerball
The winning ticket for Wednesday night's $232 million Powerball jackpot was sold in the ranching and farming town of 2,800 people.
"How often does something like this happen - a winner in Winner, S.D.?" Norm Lingle, executive director of the South Dakota Lottery, said at a news conference Thursday.
It's the ninth-largest Powerball jackpot ever and the biggest ever paid out in South Dakota, he said.
The ticket-holder has 180 days to claim the prize, and the Lottery said it has not received any calls on the jackpot.
"There's certainly no hurry to come in and claim the prize. This is certainly a life-changing, life-altering experience and they need to seek professional advice," Lingle said.
Only two retailers sell Powerball tickets in town: the Ampride and Lil' Feller convenience stores, said Mike Mueller, South Dakota Lottery spokesman. The seller of the jackpot ticket won't be announced until the winner comes forward, he said. The business that sold the ticket gets $50,000.
Lil' Feller Convenience Store owner Brian Schaeffer and Ampride manager Shawn Ulmer said the winner had not contacted them.
Out of the millions of tickets sold for Wednesday night's drawing, only one matched all six winning numbers: five, six, twelve, 16 and 21. The Powerball was seven.
Powerball
Bob the Stud
The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.
"It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye'll have all de babes ye wants!"
The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!" said George, "the potato goes in the front!"
The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.
"It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye'll have all de babes ye wants!"
The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!" said George, "the potato goes in the front!"
Mr. Allison was anxiously sitting at home waiting for word about his wife. She went lost the day before in a boating accident on the Chesapeake Bay. The door bell rung and he frantically ran to the door. He opened it and saw 2 Maryland State Troopers. His pulse immediately began to quicken. He asked in a panic if they had any information about his wife. One Trooper said that they did have news and asked Mr. Allison what he wanted to hear first - the bad news, the good news or the really good news. Fearful about his wife Mr. Allison said he wanted the bad news first. The Trooper said they had found his wife and that she'd drowned in the Bay. Shocked to hear the worst news imaginable Mr. Allison said "if that's the bad news then what's the good news?". The Trooper responded that when they pulled his wife out of the water she had 10 huge blues hanging on her and 6 pretty good sized blues were attached as well. Absolutely bewildered Mr. Allison asked "if that's the good news then what's the really good news?" , The other Trooper replied "we're going to pull her up again tomorrow".
Mike
Mike
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
