Which fight do I fight?

[runsincircles]

I'm halfway through 6 month of riba/peg and I can't keep up with anything.  I knew the physical demands would be hard but I can't keep up with anything at all.  I'm an assistant girl scout troop leader and mother of a 5th grade daughter with ADHD and sensory processing disorder.  I'm on disability and have multiple health issues to deal with on a daily basis.  I had a severe grand mal seizure the first week of tx and they affect my memory so all the studying and preparing I did was lost.  I still haven't figured it all out again.  My husband was helping for the 1st couple of months but just quit and dumped it all back on me all at once. I can't even keep track of which bills have been paid sometimes.  My daughter's grades have gone from straight A's to B/C's due to her missing assignments.  Now my husband wants me to go to the school every friday and talk to a teacher who didn't realize my daughter was missing her math book for a week.   So, is this a fight I want to fight right now?  I can't remember what I need from gs meting to gs meeting and now he wants me to go  talk to a teacher every week who won't communicate with me.  I've been trying so hard to work with her but she just doesn't pay attention to anything.  They had almost 100 assignments in writing alone last 9 weeks.  I had to regrade all the worksheets and take some of them to her because she doesn't check the students grading.  I gave up on this teacher a couple months ago.  She's agreed more than once to send home a list of missing assignments every week.  I've even emailed her sometimes to remind her.  She did it once.  She prides herself on being a "tough" teacher but she doesn't show up for weeks at a time.  I knew dealing with her was only gonna cause unneeded stress.  I also knew my daughters grades would drop a little during my tx especially since I had the seizure and I always need extra help after.  He still insists we need to deal with it so she doesn't get too far behind.  I agree  but I'm so moody and can barely stay awake some days.  My worst sx is weakness in my upper legs/hips so adding any more physical demand (no matter how small) seems over whelming.  I just don't know which fight to fight.  Do I convince him to back off for now or do I deal with an impossible teacher?  I should add thanks to the bleeding from this depo shot, we've been able to have sex 4 times in the last 3 months, so he's a little touchy too.

[BoceprevirGal]

  I am the same way, about "taking care of everything" etc. I have noticed,
even if I am sick for only a day or two, things fall apart around here.
   Hey, I have a solution for your step-mom, who is getting her meds swiped, by her daughter: the same thing used to happen to my husband, when my son and daughter-in-law would come and visit,  my husbands pain-pills would come up very short. So he took the pain pills out of the bottle, and replaced  them with Antabuse pills~  they had to learn the hard way, and were vomiting on their way back home from the visit~
   The camping trip sounds great. My son loves that sort of thing, hunting for things, but we dont have may geodes her, so I found a store where you can buy them whole, and crack them open at least, and used these, for party favors one year.  We also have a place her in The Bay Area, called Urban Ore, and another store called Creative Reuse, and both stores have tons of junk. But we go hunting for treasures amongst the junk, and my son always finds the best stuff.
  

[rivll]

I usually get them looking for geodes or fossils or looking for life in a stream.  I think it would be good for me (I love being in the woods!) and a good way to celebrate being done with tx.  I always take some time to wander off into the woods or check out an old grave yard during camping trips, and I've been dying to spend some time in the woods or go geocaching. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is awesome. I found that being in nature has a way of balancing and holding me during hard times (as well as good times)
Doing what you love and integrating it into a way of being there for your daughter is right on the mark, runsincircles.
I am very happy for you.
All the best to you

[runsincircles]

  Thank you all so much!  I've been having such a hard time these last few weeks and was feeling like giving up.  I am the one who takes care of everyone else and it seems like everything's going wrong everywhere. Worst of all, my mom has 4 aneurysms she might be getting surgery for, and my stepmom is being isolated by her daughter, again, so she can steal her meds.  I told them all far ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to help for a while.  Now my daughter is struggling emotionally.  I had bad psychiatric issues that my mom didn't recognize and I suffered because of it.  I just worry about my daughter since she seems to have some of the same problems that I did.  I ask alot of her at times and I worry that it's too much.  I have been working on "stepping back" here and there.  She still wants me around all the time so I just tell her that she won't learn important skills if I don't let her "practice" and learn what works for her.  She came in yesterday and said, "mommy, since we haven't done any major craft projects in like 2 years, I have an idea".  This put a knife through my heart, it must seem like it's lasting forever to her.

  All of your responses have been very helpful.  I had so much going on emotionally and I didn't know where to start.  Being bipolar, it's easier for me to get things done than focus on my emotions, they spin out of control real quick.  My daughter and I decided that our project is gonna be learning what she needs for the gs camping trip  in May and helping get it together.  This is one thing I can't back out of, and something I'm looking forward to.  I get to help the girls learn to set up camp on their own this year.  The leader promised she wouldn't need much from me, but someone has to be able to sit at camp with the problem kids when they need to be separated from the rest.  I usually get them looking for geodes or fossils or looking for life in a stream.  I think it would be good for me (I love being in the woods!) and a good way to celebrate being done with tx.  I always take some time to wander off into the woods or check out an old grave yard during camping trips, and I've been dying to spend some time in the woods or go geocaching.  It's the one thing I miss the most since being on this awful tx.  I'm actually getting excited about it and I think it would be the perfect distraction for me and my daughter right now.  

[BoceprevirGal]

  Oh, sorry for the typos up there, I need to slow down and proof-read.
I wanted to add, that I am so sorry that you had to suffer that seizure, and that your face got droopy :(  Of course this kind of thing effects your daughter. I have a daughter with multiple problems (OCD, NVLD, and Bipolar 1, and an impulse control disorder...many "over-laying pathologies" as the Shrink put it).
When you described imagining your daughter describing your face, I thought that was very inciteful.
  You are doing the right thing, by completing your Treatment. It gets much
harder for kids, socially, as they get older. The Middle School years were devastating for my daughter, because this is the age when kids are hyper-sensitiv to anyone considered "different" or awkward, socially. They form cliques, and can be very cruel. You will need all your strength, to help your daughter thru the difficult teen years. She will need a strong Mom, to help her thru these difficult years, so hang in there.
   I have four children, and I discovered, via my oldest son, that the more attention you give those "hard to deal with teachers", the worse the out-come is.  I usually put them on "ignore", but that is too bad that your little girl didn't get her Attendance Ribbon~
  

[Advocate1955]

Take care of yourself and your health, so you can be there in the future for your child.
Advocate1955

[BoceprevirGal]

  My upper legs and hips were also very weak, when I was on Tx.
I actually did tell my older sons' teachers that I was going thru a mild form of chemotherapy, and didn't go into details, so they would get off my back.
   There is no way I would have been able to deal with talking with a teacher, every friday,  while I was on my Tx.
  I tried to make my life as simple and uncomplicated, while I was on Tx. Your primary concern right now, is completing your Treatment successfully. As long as your daughter is getting her usual dose of love and care, she doesn't need to be perfect in school right now.
  I would continue with the girl-scouts (but maybe can you skip some meting out?) and avoid dealing with the impossible teacher. I can tell you know your limits, in terms of avoiding a melt-down during your Tx. I learned how to sense what my limits were also. I avoided getting over-tired at all costs. This will be over soon, put your helath first. You are doing this so you can be the healthiest mother possible, in the future. Dont feel guilty, you dont need to be perfect~

[rivll]

Hi,
I think you have been given really good advice regarding your dilemma.
Taking care of yourself first will enable you to do a better job taking care of others, giving Girls Scouts a break is also a worthwhile idea-all the suggestions given you are truly something worth considering, runsincircles.
I am the mother of four children, now grown and one of my children had/has special needs as well.
I know how important I was in their lives and I respect and understand your belief that you must be there.
However, if you step back for a brief time to take care of yourself, even though your daughter may act out, your husband may put his head in the sand and the teachers may blame you, they will all manage and so will you. It is hard as moms for us to realize that their worlds can and will go on without us involved at every turn. But it will and you can  regroup later.

I am truly sympathetic to what you are going through and I too wish I was near enough to offer some help, but do remember, this is a minute in your lifetime...take care of yourself so you can be your best when this minute passes.
All the best

[Dee1956]

I am so sorry for what  you are going through.  It is difficult enough to get through tx when you just have you.  Adding a husband who has dumped everything back on you and a child makes it that much worse.
Have you thought about just taking care of you and your child?
I think Jilly gave you some great advice. You are fighting for your life right now, fighting for you and your child's future.  Is there a counselor at the school that you could talk to?..that could help while you are going through this tx?
I think, if you don't mind, you should stop anything other than taking care of yourself and your child and try to get help from where ever you can.
It would be nice if  your husband would help you but if he is going to be immature then perhaps you should stop doing anything for him.
Again, so very sorry,.

[runsincircles]

  As far as the girl scout thing goes:  I thought about taking a break, but I have to be there or my daughter "takes over" the troop and noone else has any fun.  There's alot of reasons girl scouts is good for her and she is very proud of her accomplishments.  She doesn't play sports because of an issue with her hip from birth so I think she should have atleast one "extra curricular" activity.  The main leader knows my situation so she doesn't ask much of me right now but she just went through a divorce and is trying to find a new normal as well.

  I got a call from her resource teacher yesterday saying she was refusing to wash her hands or copy notes because she was upset about not getting her attendance ribbon.  I talked to her over the phone.  I asked her if she would get another chance to copy notes and what they were for.  Then asked her if she would have time to be upset and talk about the ribbon thing later.  Then she tried to tell me she was sooo tired.  The way she said it, I could just see her imitating my post seizure droopy face look.  I told her I would make a deal with her.  She could lay down for 10 minutes at the nurse to think about the things I just asked her.  Then she needed to go show her teacher that she can do what she needs to do and make me proud.  I also told her that there would be a consequence if I got another phone call about this behavior.

   The resource teacher and I both think this an emotional issue.  It's been tense at home, even though we try to follow our same routine as much as possible.  I've been trying to take care of my self so far and I feel like I've left her behind.  Now she seems to be having trouble coping with it all and I feel so guilty.  

[Jillybean65]

I'm not proud about saying this, but it was what my life was.  My daughter, in 8th grade during my treatment last year, is ADHD and then had a traumatic brain injury two years prior, so she struggles in school and the teachers should make accomodations, they didn't.  She kind of made it through school (I think she did amazing), and she took care of me 90% of the time.  Mind you she's older than your child.  But here's my point.  We made it through, not like she would have with me being there all the way, but it's behind us.  After all of that we put life back together, got her caught up (the best we could).  I'm now fighting with the high school, it's just a battle to get people to understand and takes a great deal of energy.  I know.  Cut yourself some slack and like FIGuy says, and is actually something I told myself, "Put your own mask on, then help others."  

As a mother we are used to putting kids in front of us, give yourself permission to take care of yourself.  It doesn't make you a bad mother, I mean it.  

Big hugs!  If you lived close, I would offer to come help you...

[FlGuy]

Think in terms of the flight attendants' instructions before a commerical flight. In the event of cabin depressurization put on your mask and THEN help others around you.  Dealing with the treatment and focusing on the outcome will allow to to take up those other important things down the road a bit.  But, work through the treatment so that you can.  Lighten your load if you can by putting less important things to the side for a while.

[mzkity]

Sorry!! Clocked out to fast. Good luck. Your in my heart for sure!!! Those were the days.:-) :-) :-) :-)

[mzkity]

Is there anyway you could (I'll be blunt) just not do the girl scout thing? And maybe you can do one on one things with your daughter, just for now. Now the husband thing, would he be willing to alternate Fridays with the homework pick up? Is it also possible for you to ask for an iep meeting. I dont know if there called that in your state. Individual educational programs. Maybe its the same, I'm old. Ahhh! But those teachers have been around for years. Back in the 80s my son was diagnosed with tourette syndrome. He was a first!!! That was new to teachers for sure! If you have the meeting just throw this out there, ask if she can have an aid. Or be taken out of class to be helped with her work. Adjusting to her needs, sometimes its only a couple of hours a week.

[Idyllic]

As a former girl scout myself I'd say doing what you need to do for yourself and your health takes a lot of strength and courage ~ especially for people who constantly do for others. There are many worthy women out there who can step up that you might be able to delegate to. The other thing is you sound stressed and like you aren't even enjoying it anyway. Why not put that on hold until you can really devote your time and attention.

That is my 2¢.

Of course of everything you mention no matter what you decide management and care for your seizures is crucial!!  I can't look at old posts right now but is the person treating your Hepatitis in touch with the doctor who treats your seizure disorder? Sometimes we have to act as a go between until they are on the same sheet of music, as it were.

Basically you have a lot going on in your life and are clearly feeling overwhelmed. The positive thing is other than your seizures and leg pain you appear to be doing OK with the side effects. If your seizure disorder were managed properly then I would not chuck six months of treatment overboard. Being able to delegate and ask for help is not easy for many of us. While treating I felt like a whiner and a burden and guilty for not being able to function as usual. As I look back I realize I did myself a great injustice. I deserve a disease-free future and to be healthy and get rid of this disease.

Devoting the time to take care of myself and separate what is and what is not important and finding alternate ways things can get done takes brainstorming, perseverance and maybe even swallowing your pride or laying a guilt trip but it is something we have all had to at one time or another to get things done.

I know both the physical and emotional sides of a depo shot are difficult for some women. It may not be easy to sort out your emotions if you are not used to this hormone. I would schedule an appointment with your Gyno and find a way to smooth things out - if that makes sense.

I will let others address how to deal with a spouse and a child but mostly I truly hope you can find a way to manage your co-existing medical conditions so you can physically function.

I hope this works out.
Hang in there!!