relationship challenges

[skiyaltr]

I am going through my second round of treatment; 1st SOC in 2006 and partial responder; now 5 months into triple; UND at 4 weeks.  Been married 30 years.  Wife was not as tuned into the first round and promised to be moreso in the second round; we did reasonably well during the 12 weeks cause I needed a lot of support with incivek rashes.  I cooked all my meals, got up myself at 6 am and stayed up to 10 pm for the fat feedings.  Now that I am moving onto the remainder of the 48 weeks, I am also changing as a person.  Things I knew I should do before the treatment, like no alcohol or better diet, I am doing with treatment.  I was not a hard drinker, but many times it interferred and was not what I wanted with my life.  Lost 20 lbs

Hep C has been a burden over the years and now looks like it may be cleared.  It has given me a new appreciation for living and have become more focused on things that improve the quality of life.  It is still a struggle, I do have attitude challenges, but the most part I am doing what I should be doing.  I work hard at it.  

I know through these treatments that marriages and relationships fall apart.  Maybe it is the final straw in an already weak relationship.

So my question is, for those of you that have had relationship problems, do you think it was the fault of yourself or the spouse.  I believe I am doing it right and certainly understand my limitations and challenges and sometimes it is the drugs that create the attitude, but it seems either you buy off on the whole plan, or you don't.  I am still carrying a full time job, taking care of the house, paying the bills, etc.

Trying to see where the next 7 months takes me and appreciate, as always, the responses of the people that have and are walking the Hep-C tx shoes.

[libzo2]

Your entries, your precious words are so fullfilling for me.  Each morning, and I hate to admit this, I live alone, I would wake up with this refrain to the sound of little birdies singing with joy, I would add:  "Another day of loneliness".

I don't know which is better or worse but I envy every one of you that has someone in the their lives.  I used to imagine strangers finding me dead in my home when I had the anemia so bad.  That is a feeling no one should ever have.  Love is not something one can take for granted.  Good luck guys.  Follow your heart if you have one left.

[Bovary73]

You really nail these emotions. I will keep all the clever words said here. As so many times before, you guys in here are the best. I can't express how much this has ment for me during tx and now after tx. Getting emotional here again...:)

[Bovary73]

"I have alwasy been the one who takes care of everyone else, its hard taking a step back from that...that has probably been one of the harder parts of treatment for me.  Life doesn't slow down, i thought it might give a break, but no such luck...

but I know it will all be worth it when I hit SVR...In a year or two this will just be a memory and seem like a small blip on the radar of my whole life..its just that it consumes my whole life right now, ha.... "

I can relate very much to this...and it's so well expressed. Thanks :)

[Ironpony]

While on tx, something changed for myself as well.  The medication did not change me, but taking care of myself and putting ME first for the first time in my life changed my way of thinking.  I grew more independant..and with that started to realize what I really wanted in life.

Every single one of my relationships have changed since I discovered myself.  Many are still in my life and we move on now without any disturbance. Others however.....I find myself slowly moving away as I realize they are no longer for me. It is hard but has to be done.  

I love what Frijole said above:

"If you grow and the spouse does not, it may seem irreconcilable.  Sometimes that is true but don't give up on your spouse yet.  It takes time to realize that change is necessary"

this is perfect.    and true,  .give it your all if you truly want it to work but do not wait forever hoping for someone to change.

I thought for a while I was acting different because of the medication but for me, that was not the case as I feel the same post treatment....but I do suggest to not make any big life decisions while treating.

I wish you all of the happiness in the world and a happy, healthy life  :)

Laura

[frijole]

I am a tax accountant and have been for 30+ years.  What this means is that I work from dawn to dark for 4 months of the year, don't cook, don't clean, and hardly see the kids and pay no attention to the hubby.  That was the way it was for many many years.  I husband and I made a pactlong ago  that we would not divorce during tax season. In times of stress it is impossible to judge what the relationship really is or where it is going.

Hep C is much like that.  We made the same pact in 2005 when I began treating for Hep C. He was not on board with it.  Saw no purpose in it since I never had a sympton and was otherwise quite healthy.  My support came from this board, not him.  It  was a definite strain on our life, but we did not divorce.

This treatment was different.  Cirrhosis is what did it.  He was behind me all the way.  Went to doctor appointments with me.  Together we discussed the opportunity to stop at 36 weeks and decided I needed the entire 48 so that this would be over.  I truly appreciate his support.  Next month we will be married 37 year.

If you grow and the spouse does not, it may seem irreconcilable.  Sometimes that is true but don't give up on your spouse yet.  It takes time to realize that change is necessary.  I wish you the very best.  48 weeks or triple is hard.  I know that for a fact.  Use the forum to the max and vent here, but try to be easy on your spouse who cannot comprehend.

frijole (bean)

[BoceprevirGal]

  Thanks for the update.  I just finished my 28 weeks of Tx, and so many things were put on hold.
   I'm glad you are feeling good about the positive
changes you have made. I feel like my Tx experience has changed me for the better, and made me stronger, and also, more intelligent. I think I'm ready for medical School now, I know all theses abreviations :)
    

[skiyaltr]

As I was going through relationships challenges again and searching the site for information, ran across my old post and thought would be easier to update.

At week 34 and still UND, but relationship is about the same; it gets better when I am better, but many days it is just there and that is disappointing.

Just took a few days and spent time with my older sisters and was very happy.  As I was coming into the airport, could feel the happiness drain away.

I know deep down that I just need to get through the next 14 weeks and not make any major decisions, but it is tough.  Tx really put a lot of stuff on hold.

I don't think the changes are in her, but in me; and most of the changes I think are for the best.

Hope everyone is getting through the tx, sx, and svr.  Wish you the best.

[skiyaltr]

thanks for all the responses.  I showed one of my co-workers a few of the responses.  She is dealing with an alcoholic husband.  Her comment was that these are really insightful and sincere responses.  I have found nothing but great support in this forum for dealing with Hep-C.  As flcyclist said, it is hard for people to understand when you look normal, but feel like crap.

30 weeks to go.

[BoceprevirGal]

  Ya know...my husband also has Hep C.  I quit drinking when I found out I had the Hep C, 20 yrs ago. My husband has also known he has had Hep C, for more than 25 yrs.
   Has it bothered me that I married a guy who was 170 pounds when we first met, but after I had the kids, never lost the 60 pounds he put on, with his "sympathetic pregnancies"?  well, the weight gain only bothers me a little bit, and he has cleaned up his diet, quite well. Besides, I am 15 pounds heavier, than when we first met.
   Does it bother me that he gets drunk every three weeks, even now that I am in Treatment?  Okay, yes, it really saddens me alot. I have no trust in him, I feel betrayed by him. Do I let this fact cause me to be angry and stressed out?  No, it only makes me tired, as I have to stay up on the night that he drinks, to make sure everything is "okay", as in, doors are not left unlocked, or worse, etc.
   Might I become angry, if he finally went into Tx himself, lost the weight, quit drinking, started "growing"? Well, yesm, who knows, maybe I would start leaking my resentments at that point. There is no telling what Alcoholism or Recovery can do, to a relationship. Dynamics change, roles change, etc

[ready1600]

read my posts.........Its not your fault....Its the heartless self-centered people in our lives.........We are the only one who understand what we are going through....Add in others lack of compassion.....I guarantee if you asked every one of them they would say they are understanding and compassionate people,,,,,,,BULL.....I spoke with my attorneys asst. who had family members in the same treatment......That is where I found true compassion....go figure
good luck

[1oftheclub222]

It is hard with all relationships. I am still working full time as well.

My relationship with my kids who are teens and very much in self absorbed mode, I am much less patient with them and feel bad about that.  Dealing with their hormones and my treatment has been a challenge to say the least.

With my mom who has increasing dementia and forgets daily that I have to take things slow, even before treatment she was exhausting, always trying to plan her next escape for the nursing home...it's stressful taking care of an aging parent at its best...

my relationship with my partner has been ok so far, but I sometimes feel like I have no personality and I am so tired all the time, I don't feel like I'm a good partner...he has not said anything at all and is very understanding since he has been through it himself, he gets it...it's just my own trip...

I have alwasy been the one who takes care of everyone else, its hard taking a step back from that...that has probably been one of the harder parts of treatment for me.  Life doesn't slow down, i thought it might give a break, but no such luck...

but I know it will all be worth it when I hit SVR...In a year or two this will just be a memory and seem like a small blip on the radar of my whole life..its just that it consumes my whole life right now, ha....

[flcyclist]

Going through tx as you well know is very challenging and forces you to re-evaluate many things, including your lifestyle and relationships.  It has certainly allowed me to look interally to see what's most important in this stage of my life.  I'd expect the same would likely happen with other major events, like a death in the family, loss of job, major surgery, etc.

It's very difficult to put much energy into working on a relationship and devoting time to your spouse when you feel like crap every day.  If they don't understand how you feel and lack the compassion to try to understand, this experience won't likely bring you any closer.  At the beginning of my tx I went through the changing emotions which made it very difficult to express how I felt each day, since I didn't even understand it myself.  After some time it became obvious that I had to communicate more effectively with my spouse, since she had no real idea how I felt each day, since I looked normal, but felt like crap.  If I held things in too long, they built up and sometimes came out too explosively.  I realized it was very important to talk more about how I felt, as much as I would have rather climbed in a cave and be left alone.  

Remember, you aren't the only one going through this experience.  It may effect your spouse in many ways and be difficult for them also.  Good communication is so important, especially while on these challenging meds that can alter your emotions.   I hope you nail it during this tx and this experience bring you and your spouse closer together.  Best of luck to you both.

[BoceprevirGal]

  Well, I didn't have such a great relationship before my Tx, and I probably wont have the best relationship after my Tx, but I stay together for financial reasons,  and for my kids.
    I dont feel like I am short-changing myself. I am just way too busy to
think about something like relationships right now.
   The fact that you have kept your job during all of this is amazing. Keep up the good work!

[Idyllic]

Treating for a major illness is a profound and life changing event.  I think the insights and skills you are learning are tools you will use for the rest of your life. I think as we grow and change it is natural to reevaluate decisions we have made and maybe even the things we need and want.

You and I started treating on the same day (13 Jan) and I am going the whole 48 as well.  We both know how horrible the Incivek stage is and you made it through it. I am finally anaemic and I am in week 20 as well so I feel like I have a pretty good idea how you might be feeling physically.  I also appreciate how these meds can give us the "attitude" you mentioned. In my case if I do not mention certain things they can later come out in a less diplomatic manner than I'd like which is out of character for me.

Ideally it helps of both people are on the same sheet of music but truly I am the last person in the world who to offer comments in the relationship department. You are doing all the "right things" now and cannot undo what you should have done prior to treatment. You have a lot to be proud of.

[HectorSF]

It sounds to me that this treatment has been a wake call and you have discovered that you have the power to change and live the type of life you always envisioned somewhere in your heart. I think that you are growing and learning about yourself. That is wonderful in my opinion.

I think that relationships take two people and it is a two way street. We are all human and make mistakes and hurt others even if we don't mean too.

If you mean by "buying off on the whole plan" living a healthy life physically and mentally I agree that once you see you the option why would anybody not go for it. It is never to late to make your life better and be a better and more caring person. Yes, we will never be perfect, we are human beings. I don't think that is the goal. The thing is to strive to be a better more appreciative person today than yesterday. The stronger we get the more we are able to help and give to others.

When anyone grows through a profound life changing experience not everyone will like when you change. They are used to the former status quo. In time if their are open to it they can come around and grow together with you if they want to.
I too have gone through a lot of changes over the years dealing with my illnesses and the experience has changed me profoundly. My priorities and values are very different than they were even a few years ago. For the better I believe. But I have lost people who were close to me along the way too. Which is sad, but also have gained more deep and meaningful relationships too.

You are taking care of all of your responsibilities and doing treatment. You deserve a lot of credit for that. The is a huge accomplishment.

I think you are on the right path and I would say that you should follow it even though it won't always be the easy road. But nothing fulfilling comes easily. Adversity is sometimes the best teacher of all.

Hector

[rog1958]

I think I am in same boat as you skiyaltr.  I start tomorrow my second round.  My first round was 9 years ago and I cleared the virus.  Got it back this year and begin the triple with incivik. Marriage problems as well, trust and disgust  issues for getting myself back in this mess.  I don't know what will happen with this tx but right now focused on getting better.  talk more later