Concerned about STDs

[Ben202]

Hi,

I am a 50 year old male living in Canada. I met a lady a couple of months ago (she is 55). I am not able to have any sexual contact with her as I am so scared of STDs. She did tell me that she tested 2 months ago and all are negative but I am still scared. She even suggested using condoms if I am still concerned but even with condoms I know there is a chance of contracting Herpes.

I am also concerned about unprotected oral sex. I am specifically scared about HSV transmission by oral sex.

I feel like I will never be able to have sex again with anyone because I am so scared of STDs. Any help is greatly appreciated. Do I need to get mental professional help? Am I overreacting?

[auntiejessi]

I think maybe you are overreacting to the fear. Have you ever tested? Have you seen her test results?

Neither of you are in a high risk age group, and if she has tested negative, then there isn't anything to worry about.

If you feel that you will never be able to to have sex again because of a fear of STDs, then yes, I'd say that you should talk to a counselor and perhaps your doctor about a referral to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

STDs exist, of course, but most are curable, and the ones that aren't - like herpes - aren't nearly as bad as you seem to think they are. You're very concerned about getting genital herpes from oral sex, but if you have hsv1 orally, you are protected from that if you have hsv1 orally - you have antibodies for hsv1 that protect you.

Getting a blood test in Canada is difficult, but I'm told it can happen. Your doctor can do it, though you may have to pay for it. Just make sure it's a type specific IgG blood test. If you've ever had a cold sore, you have hsv1.

Globally, about 2/3 of adults have hsv1. You're going to have a hard time avoiding it, if you don't already have it.

When a fear of something interferes with your life, it's time to seek help for it. I hope you do. Phobias are real, and very treatable. I hope you find peace.

[Ben202]

Thank you very much for your reply. Yes my main worry is about getting HSV-1 through oral sex. I have never had cold sores in my life. It could be that I have the virus but I never had any outbreaks. And yes I will seek help because it’s really a bad fear that I have. Thanks again

[auntiejessi]

90% of those with oral hsv1 never get cold sores. By our age - and I'm very close to your age - well over half of our peers have hsv1 orally. Your parents likely have/had it, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. all probably do/did.

I'm not sure what you imagine about genital hsv1, but it's mostly a big amount of nothing. Many people get the initial outbreak and then never get anything else. It rarely sheds, rarely recurs, and rarely transmits.

It seems like you might be more worried about the stigma attached to herpes than anything else, and having hsv2 for almost 20 years, I can tell you that the stigma is also a big amount of nothing. It's a minor annoyance in my life.

I'm certainly not encouraging you to go out and get herpes - I'd never encourage anyone to get any kind of infection - but I'm just saying the image of what herpes is in your mind is likely not accurate.

I hope you get help. You deserve to live a fulfilling life, including a healthy sex life. I wish you the best.

[Ben202]

Thank you! I think you are right about the stigma attached to herpes. I also heard from a friend of mine that it is really no big deal. I will definitely get help and you are absolutely right. I do deserve  to have a healthy sex life. I am really happy I joined this website. People are kind and very knowledgeable. I can tell you that I really feel much better after joining and reading your comments.

[auntiejessi]

Glad to have helped, and wish you the best. :)