I deserved to be judged for my irresponsible behaviour but I would appreciate any advice nonetheless.
After fighting an auto-immune disease for the last four years, dealing with a very emotionally unstable relationship, I started putting my life somewhat back together in February. I got suppressive therapy for my GH, which was getting me down and took myself out of the ****** emotional situation.
Things began to look up. No more outbreaks, new job, new flat. Recently, while visiting a friend in the US I met a guy who lives in my area and we've been inseparable ever since (2 weeks). I really believe he's something special, but after filling him in about my other highly embarrassing illnesses - which he accepted - I shied away from telling him about my GH. I didn't think there was any need. But then instead of heading home alone, he ended up coming with me. We had protected sex. The next day we were shattered and that evening, I felt a bit uncomfortable in my genital area - to be honest, the suppressive therapy has been so effective, I pretty much forgot it was a problem. One check and I realised because my therapy was in my suitcase in transit, I'd missed a couple of days of my suppressive therapy. This was Monday, Tuesday I was working away from the office, but Wednesday morning, I went straight to the clinic to get checked out. By this time, the outbreak was a couple of itchy heads. She said I could double my dose to get it back into my system quickly. I also started having regular salt baths to get healed up quickly.
I was due to see him Thursday and managed to excuse myself from that. I couldn't get out of Friday though. Part of me didn't want to either, but I didn't want to have the chat and I didn't want to run the risk of infecting him.
By way of exercising some responsibility, I tried to broach the subject by asking when he was last tested. But instead of opening up about my situation, I bottled it. He promised to get tested as soon as he could and I saw his injection plaster when we met up. He is just the loveliest human being, which makes me feel even worse.
Initially, I thought I could get through a full week which would leave everything to heal quickly. But when he came over Friday to watch a movie, one thing lead to another. At one point, I figured we could avoid full contact as he's good at using his hands (if y'know what I mean). But the inevitable happened. I couldn't think of a good enough excuse that sounded plausible and instead of saying stop, I've put him at risk. Numerous times I tried to keep him from going near me, but he wanted to please and eventually I panicked and let him.
I can't find any stats online about transmission risk in the latter stages of an outbreak (it's just pink healing, rather than initial crusts). I know he could be asymptomatic or he might just be one of those people that never suffers from anything. But the higher probability is, I've passed on something to someone who could have been really important. Instead, he's going to feel pain in his nether regions, for which I'm responsible and now he's been checked, he's going to know I am to blame.
The idea of facing up to the truth now, still seems so difficult. I can't emphasise enough that my health is poor - I'm not on solid food as I await an operation.(<<< who dates someone like this?! who genuinely accepts this, then wants to hear that not only is she a **** date who can't drink or eat, but she also carries a highly contagious STI?! who would ever love someone this poorly?!) This whole situation seemed like a slice of happiness in the face of what has been a very tough few years. And I've toughed it out. All I wanted was a bit of support and to feel attractive to somebody. But now I'm faced with the hideous dilemma of wait and see if he suffers and admit my guilt only to lose him, tell him what's happened, let him worry/get tested and lose him; or keep quiet in the hope nothing occurs and then hold a whole world of deceit inside. I'm now telling him I'm too sore to do anything until I've made a decision on how to move forward.
What have I done?! What a mess. :,,(