It sounds like your are being very thoughtful and proactive about this whole issue, which is terrific.
The transmission rates from an infected female to an uninfected male are about 4% per year - add suppressive therapy and it is cut in half, add condoms, and it is also reduced more. There are many many couples out there who don't transmit = look at these numbers in a year and they are not cumulative over time. It is certainly not inevitable that you will transmit to him. Mutual masturbation is safe, you giving him oral sex is safe (unless you also have HSV 1 orally). Intercourse is risky, both vaginal and anal. Him giving you oral sex has some low risk of him acquiring HSV orally.
If he is going to "angry and resentful" towards you if he contracts herpes, knowing ahead of time that you are infected and knowing that he will be taking a small risk, then that's kind of a set up for you, isn't it? I mean, knowing ahead of time that if you do everything you can to prevent transmission that he will still react in this way? I don't mean to be negative, but that seems to me to be not a great situation. The best situation is that he becomes educated, accepts the risk, and decides the relationship is worth it, totally, to be with you. For me, anything else is really not would I would want to make me feel loved and accepted and worth the small risk of transmission. Maybe you two need to get to know each other better. Maybe he will come to that conclusion as well. If not, frankly, I would be reluctant to go there. That prelude would cause me to think twice, or more. Just my opinion, but I"ve seen women (it is almost always women who find themselves in this kind of situation) with men who are afraid of contracting herpes, who live for months with someone who so dreads getting herpes from them that they can't really fully engage in a great sexual relationship. Then the women start feeling kind of bad about themselves, and things get more and more tense. I hope you two will come to something better than this. But beware the potential pitfalls here and be careful with your heart. For some people, herpes is really scary and dreaded and for him, this might be the case.
Terri
I don't think your math is quite right, but I think the risk is somewhere between 1 and 2% with condoms and suppressive therapy. I do wish you the best of luck with this situaion, and look out for your heart!
Terri
Hello Terri,
Thank you for your caring and frank response. I agree that it is best for us to get to know each other better to see if with more information, mutual affection and by taking preventative measures we can come to something better than reacting from fear and anger.
In the spirit of becoming more educated, I read the "pooled analysis of the effect of condoms in preventing HSV-2 acquisition" and believe that the 4% risk factor you mentioned above would be further reduced (by approx 30%) with proper use of condoms 100% of the time, taking the risk of transmission to 1.2%. Then, if suppressive medications are used, this could reduce that 1.2% even further (by approx 50%) resulting in a risk of transmission of approx .6%. Understanding that these numbers are not absolutes and the risk of transmission never disappears, are my calculations correct?
I also understand that if we don't undergo some personal growth the risk of heartache and emotional pain is considerably higher for me than the .6% of transmission would be for him! Once again, thank you for your answers!