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Very Confused....
I am a female that has been in a relationship for over a year with a gentleman. The middle of March, "R" had back surgery for a herniated disc. About 6 days later, he broke out on his back around the incision with about 4 patches of blisters. I did not know what they were, but once he thought about it, it told me what it could be. He told me that about 25 years ago, he had two small bumps on his penis, but they went away in a couple of days and he told me he had never had any signs of the virus again until now. I refused to believe it was HVS2 and started reading to educate myself on this, since I never had encounter it before. I decided after my research, that we should both be tested, which we did. My IGG test came back with an .091 and his came back with a 5.41. Since the outbreak and the test result confirmed our fear, he has almost completely withdrawn himself from me. He told me that he saw the fear in my eyes when we got the results. After the initial shock wore off, I have been or tried to be, very supportive, but to no avail. I have told him that it really doesn't matter, he is the same person that I knew before and that I had no plans as to "move on" like he suggested. The doctor has prescribed the medication for him, he took it for a few days, then stopped. He also gets irritated at me for constantly bringing up the subject, wanting to discuss it. He told me after our last arugement that until we find out "exactly" what we can and cannot do, there will be no contact.
What is hard for me to understand is...how did we go a year almost without me becoming infected? From what I have read, one should avoid totally, any sexual contact when there is an active breakout. That is understandable.
Here are my questions:
1. From what I have read, M to F oral sex is very minimal risk...true?
2. If the infected person is on steady, daily medication....what is the risk of unprotected vaginal sex?
3. Could of my test been run too soon, should I rerun the test? How long to wait to run?
4. How can I get him to understand that I am not that worried about it and to open up to me?
Any help would be appreciated...
Thanks...
What is hard for me to understand is...how did we go a year almost without me becoming infected? From what I have read, one should avoid totally, any sexual contact when there is an active breakout. That is understandable.
Here are my questions:
1. From what I have read, M to F oral sex is very minimal risk...true?
2. If the infected person is on steady, daily medication....what is the risk of unprotected vaginal sex?
3. Could of my test been run too soon, should I rerun the test? How long to wait to run?
4. How can I get him to understand that I am not that worried about it and to open up to me?
Any help would be appreciated...
Thanks...
Hello!
I'm new to this herpes stuff too!
I've been married for 2 years, and my husband has been the only person i've ever slept with
Just last week, I was diagnosed with genital herpes... Can you imagine how shocked I was?
My husband has had many partners in the past and has never had any symptoms or outbreaks of Herpes, so for that matter, he could never imagine he had this for so many years,
We've been having sex for 2 years and just last week was my first breakout...I was surprised and upset at first, but to be honest, life goes on like this never happened...
My husband was extremely upset, cried many times to think that he was the one that gave me this...he was just like your partner...didnt want to talk about it, every time I brought up the subject he would get upset..but I let him know that I wasn't going anywhere, that we would be married for ever with herpes or without! and I just gave him some time..naturally our lives would go back to what it was before the results.
So don't worry...just continue supporting him like you are because this surely hurts him more then it does hurt you...
Get as my info as you can...educating yourself about this will help a whole lot.
Good luck!
I'm new to this herpes stuff too!
I've been married for 2 years, and my husband has been the only person i've ever slept with
Just last week, I was diagnosed with genital herpes... Can you imagine how shocked I was?
My husband has had many partners in the past and has never had any symptoms or outbreaks of Herpes, so for that matter, he could never imagine he had this for so many years,
We've been having sex for 2 years and just last week was my first breakout...I was surprised and upset at first, but to be honest, life goes on like this never happened...
My husband was extremely upset, cried many times to think that he was the one that gave me this...he was just like your partner...didnt want to talk about it, every time I brought up the subject he would get upset..but I let him know that I wasn't going anywhere, that we would be married for ever with herpes or without! and I just gave him some time..naturally our lives would go back to what it was before the results.
So don't worry...just continue supporting him like you are because this surely hurts him more then it does hurt you...
Get as my info as you can...educating yourself about this will help a whole lot.
Good luck!
I'm really glad to hear he started his meds again too. it will reduce his outbreaks, protect you and I think it's also a big sign of starting to accept it.
Yes, the outbreak was on his lower back, upper buttocks. All on the left side where the herniation was..left side. His lesion look nothing like the ones I have seen pics of, these are very minor compared to some. They are small, less then dime size red circle with a couple of tiny, white headed pimples in the circle. He has had 5 of these circles breakout out, but they are gone in a few days. He doesn't have any of the other symptons. He didn't even know the patches were there, until I noticed them while I was helping him get dressed one night after a shower, first one he could take after surgery. They came out in a matter of one day....cause I changed his bandage everyday.
Thanks Waring...I will keep in touch! Someday I hope to get him back to the point of it being fun for both of us, and I don't feel like he is performing out of "obligation. You have fun.
Thanks Waring...I will keep in touch! Someday I hope to get him back to the point of it being fun for both of us, and I don't feel like he is performing out of "obligation. You have fun.
Were the back lesions ever cultured to find out if they are actually herpes lesions?
If he is HSV2+, you both should assume it is genitally. That means if there are active lesions or sores, refraining from sex is a good idea, probably no matter where they are located, but the lower back area (is that where it is?) would be within the range of where HSV2 lesions can show up, so I'd err on the side of caution and refrain from sex during active outbreaks.
The acyclovir works just as well as Valtrex. VAltrex is actually made from acyclovir, so they are the same drug, for all intents and purposes. Valtrex is stronger so we only need to take it once daily instead of twice - that is really the only difference. I've been using acyclovir for years and never infected a partner that I know of. The medication is really doing the heavy lifting as far as prevention, so I hope he can continue to take it regularly to help protect you in the future.
I love the points about stepping back and letting him come to acceptance in his own time. :) He'll get there. Even if you have a hunch you are HSV+, it's still a shock to find out definitively for some people, and the blood test pretty much nailed it for him, even if it is what he suspected.
I hope he gets up to speed, though. :) Make sure he reads up on it and gets educated. He needs to understand even if he's not ready for intercourse that there are other physical things you can do without risk to you - like he can go down on you, you can go down on him, the hugging and spooning :) and stripteasing and masturbating in front of him and telling him naughty stories and using a dildo on you (or on him!) :o) and everything else that is cool and safe and sexy. :) Oh, sorry, I got carried away with I've been doing with my new partner! :o)
Let us know how it goes!
If he is HSV2+, you both should assume it is genitally. That means if there are active lesions or sores, refraining from sex is a good idea, probably no matter where they are located, but the lower back area (is that where it is?) would be within the range of where HSV2 lesions can show up, so I'd err on the side of caution and refrain from sex during active outbreaks.
The acyclovir works just as well as Valtrex. VAltrex is actually made from acyclovir, so they are the same drug, for all intents and purposes. Valtrex is stronger so we only need to take it once daily instead of twice - that is really the only difference. I've been using acyclovir for years and never infected a partner that I know of. The medication is really doing the heavy lifting as far as prevention, so I hope he can continue to take it regularly to help protect you in the future.
I love the points about stepping back and letting him come to acceptance in his own time. :) He'll get there. Even if you have a hunch you are HSV+, it's still a shock to find out definitively for some people, and the blood test pretty much nailed it for him, even if it is what he suspected.
I hope he gets up to speed, though. :) Make sure he reads up on it and gets educated. He needs to understand even if he's not ready for intercourse that there are other physical things you can do without risk to you - like he can go down on you, you can go down on him, the hugging and spooning :) and stripteasing and masturbating in front of him and telling him naughty stories and using a dildo on you (or on him!) :o) and everything else that is cool and safe and sexy. :) Oh, sorry, I got carried away with I've been doing with my new partner! :o)
Let us know how it goes!
Thank you all for all of your comments and helpful info. As I read whatsok's post, I realized that maybe I am pushing him and need to back off somewhat, let him "adjust" to the recent news. He just went thru three months of pure hell with his back and now this has added more stress and frustration to his life while trying to recover from the surgery.
I will continue to gather info and give it to him to read. I understand this is going to take time and he is in the "time frame" of confusion, among others that he maybe feeling that he hasn't shared with me. I printed off lots of material yesterday and took it to him last night. Now when he will actually read it, remains to be seen, but I will not push him into doing so.
He did start back on his meds yesterday, so that is a good sign. His recent breakout is a very small one, but it is still a spot.
Which brings me to couple of other questions....
Since his outbreaks are only on his back, no signs of anywhere other than there and this virus is transmitted by affected skin to skin contact....can he still transmit it during unprotected vaginal intercourse?
Is acyclovir just as affective as Valtrex as a suppressive? He is taking acyclovir instead of Valtrex because of the cost of Valtrex...he doesn't have insurance to cover the cost of $965 a month. That was another shock.
This is SOOO confusing and I apologize for sounding so naive, uneducated....but all these questions seem to pop up. Thanks again everyone!! :)
I will continue to gather info and give it to him to read. I understand this is going to take time and he is in the "time frame" of confusion, among others that he maybe feeling that he hasn't shared with me. I printed off lots of material yesterday and took it to him last night. Now when he will actually read it, remains to be seen, but I will not push him into doing so.
He did start back on his meds yesterday, so that is a good sign. His recent breakout is a very small one, but it is still a spot.
Which brings me to couple of other questions....
Since his outbreaks are only on his back, no signs of anywhere other than there and this virus is transmitted by affected skin to skin contact....can he still transmit it during unprotected vaginal intercourse?
Is acyclovir just as affective as Valtrex as a suppressive? He is taking acyclovir instead of Valtrex because of the cost of Valtrex...he doesn't have insurance to cover the cost of $965 a month. That was another shock.
This is SOOO confusing and I apologize for sounding so naive, uneducated....but all these questions seem to pop up. Thanks again everyone!! :)
Hi - I'm the woman whose partner has HSV-2 who waringblender accurately predicted would chime in on this matter! :)
All of the responses on this post have been really helpful, informative and interesting.
TX: I don't know what I can add except that it sounds like your man needs more time and information to come to some sort of an acceptance of this, and I hope he is willing to read the expert forum and this post - it may help. If not, he should talk face to face with his dr. about it as well.
But also, maybe your man is right in some ways - he's scared and not ready to engage in sex right now and it's because he cares about you and doesn't want to transmit the virus to you - until he understands it, he will always feel like he's putting you at risk for his own selfish sexual urges - I'm glad he's not willing to do that and you should be too. I don't think he wants to hear that you are willing to put yourself at risk of getting it - he is scared that you'd be willing to do that. You need to let him know you obviously don't want to get it and will be careful too.
Right now while he's having all this fear and anxiety about sex is a great time to connect on all those other levels as he suggested - it will help him see you are there for him no matter what so that when he is ready, it will be that much better. He's a man, so he is as likely to get horny again as the sun is likely to shine again :P Once he's armed with info and reassurance of how to protect you and all the things you can do in a natural normal relationship, along with the closeness that develops from connecting on all those other levels, he will probably be relieved and pretty fired up so watch out!!
You said "He told me after our last arugement that until we find out "exactly" what we can and cannot do, there will be no contact." Let him know that's OK, as long as he does actually do his homework and find out what you both can and cannot do. It will put his mind to rest.
You sound like a really sweet and supportive partner - he is lucky to have you and I'm glad he wants to protect you, he probably just needs time.
I hope I'm right and I hope this helps - Good luck to both of you.
All of the responses on this post have been really helpful, informative and interesting.
TX: I don't know what I can add except that it sounds like your man needs more time and information to come to some sort of an acceptance of this, and I hope he is willing to read the expert forum and this post - it may help. If not, he should talk face to face with his dr. about it as well.
But also, maybe your man is right in some ways - he's scared and not ready to engage in sex right now and it's because he cares about you and doesn't want to transmit the virus to you - until he understands it, he will always feel like he's putting you at risk for his own selfish sexual urges - I'm glad he's not willing to do that and you should be too. I don't think he wants to hear that you are willing to put yourself at risk of getting it - he is scared that you'd be willing to do that. You need to let him know you obviously don't want to get it and will be careful too.
Right now while he's having all this fear and anxiety about sex is a great time to connect on all those other levels as he suggested - it will help him see you are there for him no matter what so that when he is ready, it will be that much better. He's a man, so he is as likely to get horny again as the sun is likely to shine again :P Once he's armed with info and reassurance of how to protect you and all the things you can do in a natural normal relationship, along with the closeness that develops from connecting on all those other levels, he will probably be relieved and pretty fired up so watch out!!
You said "He told me after our last arugement that until we find out "exactly" what we can and cannot do, there will be no contact." Let him know that's OK, as long as he does actually do his homework and find out what you both can and cannot do. It will put his mind to rest.
You sound like a really sweet and supportive partner - he is lucky to have you and I'm glad he wants to protect you, he probably just needs time.
I hope I'm right and I hope this helps - Good luck to both of you.
i just want to say this is one of the most informative and stress-relieving post on here. Just reading this really calmed my ankiety! Well minus what Bernard had to say, but i just skipped over that. I understand there are two sides to a debate, but the internet has enough of the negative side, it was so nice to read something more positive and hopeful. I really liked Daisy's comparison to cold sores.
Thank u all for that!
Thank u all for that!
HSV2 is NOT a "socially disgraceful " disease it's a Cold Sore that just doesn't happen to be in full view of the whole office or workplace,thats all ..... please tell him not to think this way we cannot be responsible for they way Society has created this huge divide between Oral Herpes and Genital Herpes ..... it is my opinion and always will be that none of us would willingly kiss someone with a cold sore on their mouth therefore we wouldn't willingly engage in sex with someone with a cold sore on their Genitals ..... same thing ...... but this situation is not present 365 24/7 so whats the panic about! it's a few days once in a while thats ALL ......
I remain at a loss as to where all this Stigma derived from since both types are equally contagious but people won't be stopping kissing anytime soon or starting to walk around with a roll of cling film under their arm for the rest of their lives incase an improptu kiss might happen at some point in their day ......
People are constantly kissing babies and children despite knowing they get cold sores or indeed have one on it's way,which is why many people have HSV1 long before they even reach their teens due to this perfectly natural and normal human instinct of showing love,however I don't see or hear Society making an issue out of that when it is a far more dangerous practise than consenting adults taking resonsibility and the very best precautions they can NOT to pass their HSV2 to anyone during sex ...... Herpes is Herpes regardless of WHERE it is ...... The sooner Society stops judging people who have contracted HSV hurtfully and cruelly based entirely on where their Cold Sore happens to appear the better it will be for all concerned ...... live and let live where Herpes is concerned I say, you've all heard the saying "same **** different day " well as far as Herpes is concerned it's " same **** different place " no more no less .....
Yikes I was on my soapbox again there lol ......
Daisy
I remain at a loss as to where all this Stigma derived from since both types are equally contagious but people won't be stopping kissing anytime soon or starting to walk around with a roll of cling film under their arm for the rest of their lives incase an improptu kiss might happen at some point in their day ......
People are constantly kissing babies and children despite knowing they get cold sores or indeed have one on it's way,which is why many people have HSV1 long before they even reach their teens due to this perfectly natural and normal human instinct of showing love,however I don't see or hear Society making an issue out of that when it is a far more dangerous practise than consenting adults taking resonsibility and the very best precautions they can NOT to pass their HSV2 to anyone during sex ...... Herpes is Herpes regardless of WHERE it is ...... The sooner Society stops judging people who have contracted HSV hurtfully and cruelly based entirely on where their Cold Sore happens to appear the better it will be for all concerned ...... live and let live where Herpes is concerned I say, you've all heard the saying "same **** different day " well as far as Herpes is concerned it's " same **** different place " no more no less .....
Yikes I was on my soapbox again there lol ......
Daisy
He is VERY worried about transmitting it to me. He told me that if something would happen to him or us, that I would have to go out and find someone else with a "socially disgraceful" disease. I can understand somewhat of where he is coming from, but I can't seem to get thru to him that "it is ok".
Oh, that's awful that he said that. :( I hope the 2 of you together can figure this out. Sounds like he is getting caught up in the social stigma of herpes, and that's just so sad. :( 50 million people have this virus. It's really common, and most of those with it who are in relationships probably have discordant partnerships (one person with it, the other person without it). I myself in 10 years of having HSV2 have NEVER had an HSV2 partner that I know of. Every man I've dated has been negative.
Plus I applaud your efforts to get more information.
There's a woman posting on this forum who has started dating a man who is HSV2 + and she is negative. Can't think of her screen name at the moment, but she'll probably be here soon. :)
Plus I applaud your efforts to get more information.
There's a woman posting on this forum who has started dating a man who is HSV2 + and she is negative. Can't think of her screen name at the moment, but she'll probably be here soon. :)
Thanks, Waringblender! I am going to make him read all of what you have wrote to me. Hopefully that after he reads, it will make a big difference in his mind concerning me and this virus! I have to get him over this idea he has "We have many connections on other levels, we don't need the sexual connection to feel close".
I meant performing oral on him prior to the test results. It seems he's had herpes the entire time you were dating and sleeping together and performing oral. My point was that you obviously did not contract HSV2 orally from him at any point in the past. It's not that easy to transmit that way.
Even unprotected intercourse, with no medication use and no condom use, is only 8% or year or something for M to F.
Even unprotected intercourse, with no medication use and no condom use, is only 8% or year or something for M to F.
Thanks for all you good info. No, I have not been performing oral on him since we got the test results, he will not allow it. There was one time that I did give him a "hand job", at the end I surprised him with oral to finish. This happened after the breakout and before we knew what that sores were. He was pretty upset with me for doing that.
All of this stuff is covered quite well on the STD Expert forum. Search the archives and the 2 of you will find all of the answers to these questions, presented in greater detail and with much more clarity than what I can offer! :o) It doesn't cost anything to search the past files for what you need.
It's a very low risk. It could happen, but it probably is not worth worrying about, especially if he is on medication. I don't know if the virus is found in semen; it's transmitted like you said from skin to skin.
The mouth just isn't a great platform to acquire STDs. It's very low risk compared to P-V sex. You can talk about condom use for oral with your partner if you are uncomfortable with unprotected oral now, though.
About 90% of people with genital herpes don't even know they have it. Probably most if not all of those people are having oral sex with their partners and many of them are completely unaware they may be having mild symptoms. But only something like 3% of oral outbreaks are related to HSV2. So you can see how low the risk of oral actually is.
Have you already been giving your partner oral sex for a while now? I'm guessing you've shown no signs of oral lesions from doing this. If you had been infected this way, you would have had antibodies form.
The mouth just isn't a great platform to acquire STDs. It's very low risk compared to P-V sex. You can talk about condom use for oral with your partner if you are uncomfortable with unprotected oral now, though.
About 90% of people with genital herpes don't even know they have it. Probably most if not all of those people are having oral sex with their partners and many of them are completely unaware they may be having mild symptoms. But only something like 3% of oral outbreaks are related to HSV2. So you can see how low the risk of oral actually is.
Have you already been giving your partner oral sex for a while now? I'm guessing you've shown no signs of oral lesions from doing this. If you had been infected this way, you would have had antibodies form.
Not sure I understand this one.
"Oral sex is not a risk (giving from you to him) because oral sex is low risk for everything anyway".
Me performing oral is not a risk? This is what I don't understand. Is it the "skin to skin" contact that actually transmits the virus? Actual semen doesn't carry the virus?
So...what you are telling me is that...if there is not a breakout visible and he is on a daily routine of medication, that there is no risk of me contracting HSV2 orally?
Again thanks for all the info!
"Oral sex is not a risk (giving from you to him) because oral sex is low risk for everything anyway".
Me performing oral is not a risk? This is what I don't understand. Is it the "skin to skin" contact that actually transmits the virus? Actual semen doesn't carry the virus?
So...what you are telling me is that...if there is not a breakout visible and he is on a daily routine of medication, that there is no risk of me contracting HSV2 orally?
Again thanks for all the info!
Your risk is really low if he continues to take the medication DAILY. He has to take it every day even if he doesn't have any symptoms. And if you used condoms on top of that, your risk would be even lower. But it's pretty low with just medication too. 3-5% per year, maybe? The doctor quotes it as even lower than that - for female to male, it's a little bit lower because the female anatomy is more susceptible to infection, so the infection rate from M to F could be SLIGHTLY higher. But not by much.
That's why it's not surprising you haven't contracted it yet. I guess you could have been infected within the last 3-4 months and you wouldn't have antibodies to it yet, but you can always get tested again to find out.
Herpes just isn't infectious 365/24/7. People with type 2 on average only shed about 20% of days, sometimes lower than that. And on days that a person sheds the virus, it might not even be enough to infect you so even if you have sex on a day that he is shedding, you still may not become infected. The other thing is that it sounds like he may be asymptomatic all this time.
Is he willing to talk to a therapist about this? Maybe the 2 of you together? It sounds like he suspected he had it all this time but getting the definitive blood test result really put him over the top. :( I guess he needs to come to grips with knowing he has it definitively and what it means for your relationship. Really not much needs to change, and I hope you can relay this to him somehow. If he stays on daily medication, your risk of contracting it is really low.
Really, you guys can do "exactly" what you have been doing sexually this entire time. Use condoms to protect yourself if you want to go that route, and if he takes the medication you will be well protected. Oral sex is not a risk (giving from you to him) because oral sex is low risk for everything anyway. He can obviously still go down on you because he has it genitally so he's not infected in his mouth.
The only thing that needs to change is what the 2 of you decide to do about taking precautions from here on out to protect you. Medication + condoms together give you a very high likelihood you will never be infected.
Send him over here to read the doctor's side of the forum. It's all really accurate over there. It's really the best information on the web to educate himself.
That's why it's not surprising you haven't contracted it yet. I guess you could have been infected within the last 3-4 months and you wouldn't have antibodies to it yet, but you can always get tested again to find out.
Herpes just isn't infectious 365/24/7. People with type 2 on average only shed about 20% of days, sometimes lower than that. And on days that a person sheds the virus, it might not even be enough to infect you so even if you have sex on a day that he is shedding, you still may not become infected. The other thing is that it sounds like he may be asymptomatic all this time.
Is he willing to talk to a therapist about this? Maybe the 2 of you together? It sounds like he suspected he had it all this time but getting the definitive blood test result really put him over the top. :( I guess he needs to come to grips with knowing he has it definitively and what it means for your relationship. Really not much needs to change, and I hope you can relay this to him somehow. If he stays on daily medication, your risk of contracting it is really low.
Really, you guys can do "exactly" what you have been doing sexually this entire time. Use condoms to protect yourself if you want to go that route, and if he takes the medication you will be well protected. Oral sex is not a risk (giving from you to him) because oral sex is low risk for everything anyway. He can obviously still go down on you because he has it genitally so he's not infected in his mouth.
The only thing that needs to change is what the 2 of you decide to do about taking precautions from here on out to protect you. Medication + condoms together give you a very high likelihood you will never be infected.
Send him over here to read the doctor's side of the forum. It's all really accurate over there. It's really the best information on the web to educate himself.
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
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