Need advice: girlfriend knew she had HPV & didn't tell me

[disappointed75]

Hi all, recently had a fairly traumatic experience and need some general advice. A month ago I was introduced to someone by a friend. We really hit if off and have been on many dates in that time. Initially we used condoms as I hadn't been tested since my last two partners and recently decided to go without protection (vaginal and oral) as she told me she had all her tests done and mine came back fine. We've had unprotected sex numerous times in this time.

I asked her multiple times (at least 3 times) if she had STDs and each time she said no. I thought things were going great, only for her to drop the bomb on me last night that she had HPV 2 years ago and had warts treated (i.e. still has HPV, but possibly dormant). I was devastated. I consider myself to be fairly cautious and get tested every year. I couldn't believe that she didn't share this with me, I am crestfallen right now as I type this. I know I'm not without blame here, as I understand the consequences of having unprotected sex and the risks associated with it. My concern here is where I go from here.

She confirmed she doesn't have the high risk version of HPV (the one that causes cancer), only the one that caused warts. She said her doctor advised her that she *didn't need to disclose that she had HPV* since the warts were treated (it's been a year and a half since she's had warts). I can't help but feel like a fool, like I've been deceived. I understand that it's likely I could have this dormant in my body since my very first sexual experience many years ago. I understand the likelyhood of getting it from a future partner is also very good. I also understand that for guys this is mostly harmless.

But I'm really struggling with the fact that she didn't disclose it even after I asked her numerous times if she had STDs. I had no chance to protect myself. It's one thing to not disclose as your doctor says If I didn't ask, it's another to not disclose even after being asked multiple times by your partner. As much as I'm crazy about this girl, I'm really struggling with this. I just don't know if I can start something really meaningful this way, I can't help feel I've been lied to (amazingly, she doesn't see it this way and feels she did the right thing).

Am I being overly sensitive here or is this a serious deal breaker as I see it? (not a medical question, I know)
Given that she hasn't had warts in 1.5 years, do I have any hope of not contracting this or is it just a matter of time?

Any advice would be appreciated, especially if you've been in or are aware of a similar situation.

Thanks in advance.

[bllbarker]

ive been reading sites like this for years. my ********* ex knew they had warts, had been treated in the past, lied to my face when i asked about stds...lied about alot of things....exposed me with zero ...then spit in my face when i was diagnosed. they told me to 'get over it' and moved onto the next victim. so now, i should tell everyone i meet that i have this disgusting incurable std...that even if i havent had an outbreak in 8yrs (which i havent) all theyre gonna hear is WARTS...and run
i would NEVER have had sex with the ********* had they told me they eVER had warts... i would have dated em...and maybe if we decided to get married...i would have had sex AFTER we were married
. but heres the deal folks...NOBODY chooses to catch an incurable std...NOBODY. and 20 million a year catch warts. so 20 million people ++ are liars, consistently....and its growing..so who the hell are YOUpeople on here, all righteous and honest and would NEVER lie?
nobody on the internet who catches an incurable STD is part of the 20, 30, 40, 60 million americans who lie about this ****?? oh yeah, thats realistic.
all of you will lie. if you dont...you better enjoy being alone for the rest of your life....cause i dont know one person, who would EVER say
"oh yeah, i wouldnt care if someone i am sleeping with has/had venereal warts" neither do you.
you guys just wait til nobody will come near you with a 10ft pole for a decade.....wait til youre pushing 40yrs old and your looks are going and youve got herpes or warts and youre gonna die alone with them....or, you can lie...and pretend like you had no idea you had em when/if you pass it along...thats what EVERYONE on this planet does....pretends they didnt know...the cdc and doctors will tell you this is true....people dont know they have stds...
i say ********. i knew the second a wart grew on my genitals....and so does everyone else.
but heres the kicker...all of you righteous folks who arent staying with no liar who gave you warts...well, u dont have many options. cause nobody without warts is gonna want you now. yep, thats the curse, like a friggin werewolf. now you gotta carry those warts and nobody sane wants em. so you better work out lowering your standards or being alone

[exposed2hpv]

I'm with giving people the choice. I have been deceived exactly the same way as disappointed75 and have an oral papilloma in the back of my mouth. The girl said she never had warts and yet I developed an oral wart. But she was treated for high-risk hpv. I left her for other reasons, but knowingly giving me an STD and warts in my mouth definitely ensured my decision.

[disappointed75]

I'm going to disclose (admittedly it will be easier if I don't get any warts, time will tell). I wouldn't put someone through what I just went through. As far as I see it, telling them after the fact or risking getting a wart later is worse.

[43_quebecgirl]

I know exactly how you feel because I know who I got it from.  He knew he had warts and had treatment but did not tell me.  I found a small bump in late Sept and was confirmed by my Dr. hpv (wart strain).  I had a colo done and all was good.  She gave me cream and since beg of Dec I have had no more. I had about 7 in total but only could see 1.  

I hope that I go 3 to 6 mths with no more outbreaks and I am not having sex now.

My question to you is:  Are you going to disclose if you ever have a new partner?  

[disappointed75]

Thanks for the additional responses. I have calmed down a bit from my initial shock and anger.

MercysHope - I have spoken to my doctor, he didn't seem to think it was big deal (although he doesn't consider the social stigma associated with this kind of thing and clearly I'd like to avoid the warts if at all possible). I spoke with her yesterday and we're trying to get a hold of her GYN to to talk. I'll see if I can get a hold of my urologist or STD specialist as well. Hopefully between them I get more detailed info regarding my likelihood of getting warts (genital, oral) in the future should we stay together and any possible side effects down the road should that happen.  

veryworried420 - "should you do have it, this is something you two can share forever." LOL, going to assume you're joking here. Warts are not something I'd be looking to share, ever. The humor is appreciated though.      

I have to say, the advice Doctors are giving women (i.e. non disclosure) is very dangerous. They should at least say if your partner asks, tell him or something like that. This approach is just asking for trouble and it drove a huge wedge between us.  

[veryworried420]

And just as important to what everyone is saying here, should you do have it, this is something you two can share forever.  Basically, if you ever want to have sex again and never want to inform a future partner that you may have been exposed to it, then you can stay with her and have a healthy sex life. Every man who has been sexually active has it. We cannot be tested and women can. GYNs usually tell women what other doctors say to men - do not tell anyone since nearly everyone has it. Get over it and have great unsafe sex with her forever. What can be better than this?

[usmcgirl]

I understand why you would feel betrayed by her. Perhaps she didn't want to be rejected, but she is right, after two years many doctors say there is no need to disclose that information. Hpv is a virus that eventually goes dormant and since it has been two years for her, that's what it did. They say at that point warts will very rarely reoccur. I can completely understand your frustration. My husband was in shock for a few days but after researching it, he realized it could have been much worse. You may not have even contracted it.

[MercysHope]

I am a nurse and my opinion is that you need to discuss this with a doctor that knows about these things. For a guy, it's probably a urologist.  Do Not listen to just any body or get random info from the internet. At the very least, you need to get info from the center for disease (CDC). There are so many different strains of HPV and there is basically no way to know you have it unless you present with symptoms. In a nutshell, if you are sexually active, you probably already had at least one strain of HPV before you met her. And condoms dont completely prevent it either. It is spread from skin to skin contact so u don't  even have to have sex. As far as her not telling you, I'm sure you are angry, hurt, and feel betrayed... but she did tell you, and that took a lot for her to do. I'm sure she regrets how it happened. Maybe she just didn't know how to handle it?  When u get over the shock and being mad & If u care about her, why don't you go to her GYN together" and schedule a consultation just to ask questions. Write down what u want to know and get your facts, then make your decision on whether you want to be with her or not.

[disappointed75]

Really John? That's your response? So I'm 100% at fault because she lied to me? Right dude, right.

As for why, how about doing the right thing? How about not lying to your partner at the start of the relationship? There's a difference between not knowing and knowing for sure and lying! And I said she had a recurrence six months after the initial outbreak (1.5 year wart free). So it HAS already come back.

I've read numerous forums where warts come back 5 years, 10 years after the fact. Why are you making me the bad guy here? While I appreciate your other comments, I DON'T appreciate you insulting me. Ridiculous.

[john334]

Relax you are acting like she might have exposed you to HIV and didn't tell you about it. Perhaps she should have told you but then again why? HPV usually becomes undetectable within 2 yrs in majority of people and this is the case for her her warts haven't recurred meaning no transmission risk. Why should she inform you of something that highly likely doesn't have anymore and you yourself highly likely has had in the past with no symptoms. You can blame the experts on non disclosure and if you are worried about HPV then you should have considered being celibate all your life prior to having intercourse ever, that's how prevalent it is since why no need for disclosure. HPV is a stigmatized burden that interferes with peoples sexual desires for no reason, its just as common as the cold you had the past winter but hey you don't inform your future partners of that do you? Cut the girl some slack and forget about this if you love her because you if you do leave her because of it proves how shallow you actually are and she in fact is better off without you not the other way around. Just think about it for a second.

John

[disappointed75]

Thanks for responding hypochon292, it's appreciated as I'm at a really low point right now.

I understand that genital warts can be an isolating feeling, but it's still not an excuse for what she did. It must be a very hard conversation to have, but you have to have it in my opinion. And it's not even that i'm having trouble with, it's the betrayal I feel, that's what is hurting me right now. I want to forgive her and look past it because I really care for her, but I just don't see how I can build a foundation with this as a start.

Honesty is the best policy and whether or not I have a wart, I'm going to share this experience with my future partners. I'm going to allow them to make a decision for themselves and consult their doctor. I won't risk possibly exposing them and then telling this after because I don't see how they won't feel betrayed. That seems just as bad a result, if not worse. It's the right thing to do.

I'm doing some soul searching on this right now, it's a very difficult situation. I feel like if I stay with her, I'm rewarding her for deceiving me. It really sucks, because I was starting to see my life with her. Ugh!

[hypochon292]

I do think it's a betrayal of trust to say that she was clean of STD's and then confirm later that she did in fact have an outbreak of genital warts a year previous, however you should also take into account how she was feeling in regards to your relationship.

Genital warts can be an isolating experience for many people, and they often feel that their chances at a successful relationship are cut down due to a virus in their body they can't help but have. She was probably afraid to tell you based on a fear of rejection, especially if she has developed strong feelings for you.

In regards to your question of whether or not you have the virus, I think it's safe to say that you do. As you've probably read from many other sources the virus is very easy to transmit, but you've honestly probably already gotten it from a previous partner already. It's an innocuous thing, and many believe it's simply a part of being sexually active.

In summation, I do think it's upsetting that she chose not to tell you before being sexually active with you, however I would take her doctor's advice into account. After all, would you disclose you had an STD to a new partner when your doctor explicitly said you didn't have to? I don't think so. Just try and put yourself in her shoes. She potentially gave you a harmless skin condition, which in the long run isn't a big deal.

Do what you think is best.