Aa
The Disclosure of HPV
wow, 6 years of abstinence and I am still conflicted about having sex with a woman and feeling extremely guilty about not disclosing that I had a prior HPV breakout. I had 3 genital warts back in 2005 on the lower "non condom" protected area. It took about 6-8 months to clear on its own--no treatment. I wanted my body to fully develop the immunity on its own, so I probably unecessarily.
Here I am. I met a nice girl. I have been so conflicted about saying anything. This issue taps into so many other issues that I have as a perfectionist, mildly obsessive, do-gooder, achievement motivated type, with thought patterns that naturally stray to either/or thinking. I am an optimistic person, but I worry and negativity can get the best of me sometimes. I will flip about the 1% that went wrong instead of basking in the 99% that went right.
That is my situation in a nutshell. I am 99% amazing, and that 1% damaged goods is killing me because I cannot control it. The science is unclear on the "cure" and "elimination" issue; therefore, personality types like mine suffer in hell because it's open-ended. We suffer from a values conflict that runs to the core because part of ourselves is saying you must do good at all time and the other part is enraged at being in the position in the first place and not having a definitive up or down in the second place--anger, frustration, and depression are the perfect by-products for my personality type. I have suffered from all of them as a result of HPV. I really think that if I am reacting this way, how much pain must others being going through without the experience or maturity to process these powerful, paradigm shifting emotions.
I respect the doctors for taking the damaged goods idea down a few notches with the only science available to them.
We are crunched by the prevailing pharma, allopathic, western model that feeds off of worst case scenarios and physicians that want what's best for their patients and who understand the irrational and destructive stigma associated with this STI.
On a deeper level, I think this issue is forcing me to reevaluate old paradigms and self-concepts into a larger self-definition. However, as much as I thought I was equipped to handle this, I am having a hard time processing the reality that I have this. I have seen the data that this thing clears in 2 years, yet there is a type of hysteria surrounding this virus that is very powerful.
Personally, I waited double the amount of time for a typical elimination, 4 years on top of the two years I waited for the "official" 2 year clearance, to begin having sex. I tried to take every precaution possible to spare my partner. The truth is that I was doing it also for my shattered ego. My internal conflict is part concern for the other, but also the inevitable humiliation, vulnerability, shame, possible rejection, and still the thought of this information leaking about me to other people. The HPV is pressing on so many other buttons. I don't think it's just me from reading other posts.
I penetrated a girl last night for a brief moment and was rubbing her without a condom on. When it came time to move forward with sex, I was rock solid for 3 hours of foreplay, but the minute she wanted to move forward, I dropped like a log. This is my subconscious mind saying, conflict, danger, "you have not yet resolved this issue" buddy.
This is the third time where I have been stunned and devastated by HPV--thrown into a multi-day obsessive daze trying to process the emotions. Where I thought that I was getting through this, these intimate encounter bring the reality front and center. I can hide in depression, entertainment, pornography, the movies, reading, workaholism, but in this moment I have to face my fears of inadequacy.
I cannot answer the ethical or moral question on my own. It's a cowardice I think that comes from needing to align with the old self concept that has been shattered by the presence of such an imperfection--such an open loop that science will not close. We are left never knowing if we are the ones still afflicted or the ones still cured, forever leaving us in a loop of shame and self-doubt.
My sacrifice has been above and beyond what other people would do. Yet, it really comes down to not wanting to reveal something to someone that I don't know if I'll be with forever. I almost don't mind revealing it someone I know I will be with. Is that horrible?
Yet, the courage required is almost too much to bear as it will result in me finally having to own up to what I spotted 6 years ago and have clenched my teeth in fury ever since.
This girl is expecting wild, passionate, sex from me soon. She will think I am monster for penetrating her for that 2 seconds before putting that condom on. How do I tell her about a 2 year clear period? How do I tell her that I am most likely "cured" or the virus is eliminated from system, or so dormant that it's incommunicable. We don't know for sure, so my personality, who craves certainty, goes down like the titanic. Science has failed us. The research community has failed men. The test should be produced. If there were more hysteria in the male community and more women had to confront the reality like those who had visible warts, then the rest of us would not be marooned in some private hell of fear and bitterness.
I don't know what to do. Does someone well researched want to talk about this with me that has gone down this road? Friday, passionate sex, me, conflicted despite having waited 4 years after the 2 year clear time. Me, having penetrated for 2 seconds unprotected, and that I couldn't peform because of my fears related to HPV. And why should I have to disclose if I waited this long...she probably has it as I know she is a sex in the city type who has told me about multiple partners....I am just a lost soul here on this issue, confused, confused, confused. Help!
Here I am. I met a nice girl. I have been so conflicted about saying anything. This issue taps into so many other issues that I have as a perfectionist, mildly obsessive, do-gooder, achievement motivated type, with thought patterns that naturally stray to either/or thinking. I am an optimistic person, but I worry and negativity can get the best of me sometimes. I will flip about the 1% that went wrong instead of basking in the 99% that went right.
That is my situation in a nutshell. I am 99% amazing, and that 1% damaged goods is killing me because I cannot control it. The science is unclear on the "cure" and "elimination" issue; therefore, personality types like mine suffer in hell because it's open-ended. We suffer from a values conflict that runs to the core because part of ourselves is saying you must do good at all time and the other part is enraged at being in the position in the first place and not having a definitive up or down in the second place--anger, frustration, and depression are the perfect by-products for my personality type. I have suffered from all of them as a result of HPV. I really think that if I am reacting this way, how much pain must others being going through without the experience or maturity to process these powerful, paradigm shifting emotions.
I respect the doctors for taking the damaged goods idea down a few notches with the only science available to them.
We are crunched by the prevailing pharma, allopathic, western model that feeds off of worst case scenarios and physicians that want what's best for their patients and who understand the irrational and destructive stigma associated with this STI.
On a deeper level, I think this issue is forcing me to reevaluate old paradigms and self-concepts into a larger self-definition. However, as much as I thought I was equipped to handle this, I am having a hard time processing the reality that I have this. I have seen the data that this thing clears in 2 years, yet there is a type of hysteria surrounding this virus that is very powerful.
Personally, I waited double the amount of time for a typical elimination, 4 years on top of the two years I waited for the "official" 2 year clearance, to begin having sex. I tried to take every precaution possible to spare my partner. The truth is that I was doing it also for my shattered ego. My internal conflict is part concern for the other, but also the inevitable humiliation, vulnerability, shame, possible rejection, and still the thought of this information leaking about me to other people. The HPV is pressing on so many other buttons. I don't think it's just me from reading other posts.
I penetrated a girl last night for a brief moment and was rubbing her without a condom on. When it came time to move forward with sex, I was rock solid for 3 hours of foreplay, but the minute she wanted to move forward, I dropped like a log. This is my subconscious mind saying, conflict, danger, "you have not yet resolved this issue" buddy.
This is the third time where I have been stunned and devastated by HPV--thrown into a multi-day obsessive daze trying to process the emotions. Where I thought that I was getting through this, these intimate encounter bring the reality front and center. I can hide in depression, entertainment, pornography, the movies, reading, workaholism, but in this moment I have to face my fears of inadequacy.
I cannot answer the ethical or moral question on my own. It's a cowardice I think that comes from needing to align with the old self concept that has been shattered by the presence of such an imperfection--such an open loop that science will not close. We are left never knowing if we are the ones still afflicted or the ones still cured, forever leaving us in a loop of shame and self-doubt.
My sacrifice has been above and beyond what other people would do. Yet, it really comes down to not wanting to reveal something to someone that I don't know if I'll be with forever. I almost don't mind revealing it someone I know I will be with. Is that horrible?
Yet, the courage required is almost too much to bear as it will result in me finally having to own up to what I spotted 6 years ago and have clenched my teeth in fury ever since.
This girl is expecting wild, passionate, sex from me soon. She will think I am monster for penetrating her for that 2 seconds before putting that condom on. How do I tell her about a 2 year clear period? How do I tell her that I am most likely "cured" or the virus is eliminated from system, or so dormant that it's incommunicable. We don't know for sure, so my personality, who craves certainty, goes down like the titanic. Science has failed us. The research community has failed men. The test should be produced. If there were more hysteria in the male community and more women had to confront the reality like those who had visible warts, then the rest of us would not be marooned in some private hell of fear and bitterness.
I don't know what to do. Does someone well researched want to talk about this with me that has gone down this road? Friday, passionate sex, me, conflicted despite having waited 4 years after the 2 year clear time. Me, having penetrated for 2 seconds unprotected, and that I couldn't peform because of my fears related to HPV. And why should I have to disclose if I waited this long...she probably has it as I know she is a sex in the city type who has told me about multiple partners....I am just a lost soul here on this issue, confused, confused, confused. Help!
This disease also devastated me. I'm tested positive HPV 6/11 a month ago, after a one night stand. The thing is I have a loving wife and a son. Having HPV and now my wife just tested positive. Feeling guilt giving me a mental break down.
Now that I'm sorry worry me and my wife will somehow transmit the virus to my son, as this is highly contagious, doesn't to have sex to transmit. If that happens, it will destroy my life completely.
So I think you are still in a very good position than I do.
Sharing this, I hope you feel better a bit.
Now that I'm sorry worry me and my wife will somehow transmit the virus to my son, as this is highly contagious, doesn't to have sex to transmit. If that happens, it will destroy my life completely.
So I think you are still in a very good position than I do.
Sharing this, I hope you feel better a bit.
You should share your concern with her and also advise her to get a HPV vaccine. Getting her vaccinated will be a very good idea (she might already be vaccinated, in that case, no worries man!)
1 Comments
as men we can't really know if we are infected in absence of warts.. or if it has really cleared.
The best thing we could do might probably disclose the fact, have her vaccinated if she hasn't and be responsible to remind her to get regular pap smears.
The best thing we could do might probably disclose the fact, have her vaccinated if she hasn't and be responsible to remind her to get regular pap smears.
Good idea to have her vaccinated.
What makes you think she wasn't exposed by other men? Unless you are sleeping with a total virgin, there should not be any guilt here. You waited long enough. Wear a condom anyway, its always the right thing to do if not in a long term relationship. You should move on and have sex after all these years, IMO. Without telling anyone anything unless they literally never had any kind of sex in their lives.
Reverse the situation, what would you want her to do, would you want to know? You seem like a caring guy so you probably should do what you believe is the right thing. In any case good on you for caring enough to even think about it.
Also, you're not damaged goods, you're human. Treat her right (think about her) and it will be alright.
Good luck!
Also, you're not damaged goods, you're human. Treat her right (think about her) and it will be alright.
Good luck!
I appreciate your writing style and good ethics. Sorry I don't have an answer for you. Hopefully an HPV test for men hits the market and you can find out you no longer carry the virus.
You are reading content posted in the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) Community
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
