im lost and need counsel

[hurtingman]

My wife had a hysterectomy in september. She retained her ovaries, but since has chronic pains like those she suffered on her period.

However since then as well she has said that she has had time to think, and that she doesnt love me anymore. She has told me that we didnt deal with marital issues from years back properly, and that i was never there emotionally... i cannot disagree as im usualy emotionally retarded... but i had thought they were dealt with. She is talking to another man who she has honestly said fancies her, but from her point of view she just wants friednship for now. She has told me she wants change, as she has spent the last 11 years being a stay at home mum to our 4 kids......

Ahe appears to be as giddy as a teenagr at the mmomen, we now have seperate rooms. I want her to be happy, but as she had a hysterectomy is my worry she needs further help unfounded? Am i as bad a man as i think, and that this is real?

[achillea]

Hysterectomy is a pretty big deal for women.  It actually marks the end of reproductive ability, and for some women, the end of a sexual life, too (though this need not happen).  After a hysterectomy, a woman needs, more than ever, a kind, supportive husband who has read a lot about the subject.  You admit that you're kind of distant, which needs to change.  I strongly suggest marital counseling.  If your wife will not accompany you, go alone.  You will learn a great deal, and it might either save your marriage or at least show you what may have gone wrong.

[old_before_my_time]

In my opinion, your worries are not unfounded. I have heard similar stories from other women (or their husbands/partners) after hysterectomy. It really messes with our hormones. I lost my loving feelings for my husband after my (unwarranted) hysterectomy. I don't even have the strong maternal feelings for my children. It makes me very sad and I held onto a lot of anger for a long time (I am still angry with my former gynecologist/surgeon). My surgery did dredge up some resentment for the "bumps in the road" over our marriage. I also put some guilt on my husband for the hysterectomy because I was scammed by my doctor and my husband did not see through it either.

I went through a bit of counseling to deal with the betrayal by my gynecologist. I still don't have the strong bond for my husband and children but I have let go of blaming my husband and myself for not seeing through my gynecologist's scare tactics.

I hope you and your wife can work through this and come out stronger in the end.