Aa
A little sad
We just had two new babies born in our family this month and I'm so happy. I love babies, the sad part about it is it makes me a little bitter that my own experience was tainted by my fiance's indiscretions. Pregnancy should be a happy time and all I remember is how alone I was all the time. How cold and calculated he was during this time. Then I remember all the times he was missing and know he was with her. I remember my birth experience being beautiful because of my son but feeling so disconnected from my fiance. His mind was somewhere else. He wasn't the least bit helpful or supportive during our son's birth. He was sleeping when I was going through pain, he didn't rub my back or hold my hand. When Jayden was born, he left me alone at the hospital to go get sleep but then went to his "cousin's" house to watch a movie...bs...he was with the w hore. Last night I turned to him and told him that I'm sad because I wished that things had been different when Jay was born. That I feel like it was taken from me because he was so uncaring. He of course got defensive and told me that he was in a different place back then and why can't I just let it go. I know he's right but why can't he just say, I'm sorry, I regret the way I acted, I feel sad that I missed out on that experience with you and the next time it will be different. I'm sure the next time would be but what if I can't get pregnant again, what if this was my only experience and he ruined it for me? Will I hate him forever because of that? No matter how much time passes I still have so much anger, so much bitterness because he was so selfish and took those beautiful memories and made them ugly for me. I want to so badly put them in the past and forget. I want it to get easier at some point. It's like no matter how wonderful he is to me now, it just doesn't seem to make up for what he did. I wished it could.
It is so true, I am the type of woman who is truly committed to her partner. I only expect that in return. I guess I have to look at the good things that have come from what happened. It opened his eyes and made him really appreciate his family. Made him really appreciate our son. I never thought how hard it would be to recover from this type of betrayal. I work everyday at forgiving him and healing but all your support has helped me more than I can ever say.
Judy, well said. And I agree too to remember the beauty of that time as well such as the birth of a beautiful baby. Being hurt does take time to get over. But feeling what is being given to you now helps you heal faster. Men can learn to and become wiser and better partners as I'm sure that Richie and lovemykids husband have. Life IS about evolving. If you are committed to staying with them, you have to live in the present.
You know I realize now looking back even though some things were weird at that time there were happy moments for me, visiting with family during my parents wedding renewal, planning my sons grad party and visiting with fam and friends taking my kids to the fair, but now when I see photos of that time they are tainted. I was going to delete the photo's b/c they remind me he was not there for or with me at that time but I realized they were happy memories until I found out what was going on. Try to remember the happy times during your pregnancy, like feeling the baby move or hearing his heart beat. It is not Jayden's fault his daddy was not present in spirit at that time nor was it yours. Build memories between you and the baby.
Mami, it would be dishonest to say to you, get over it or put it behind you or you will never be able to see him as you did before. What he did was so wrong in so many levels and he didn't realize how he was hurting you and what you were feeling or thinking. This has been a trail for you and you were inflicted the worst pain at a time when you were carrying his child, scared, stressed, because of your pregnancy and being left alone, by the one person that was suppose to be there for you. You were noble to forgive him, but you can't forget. It will take time and I don't blame you for feeling the hurt that touched the very core of your soul and just being a human being and not being treated as such during a difficult time. God has gifted you and rewarded you with a beautiful boy and Richie had is also part of that gift. You were blessed with a child and heart was speared by infidelity at the same time. You have to accept what has happened and can't be changed, but you don't have to live the rest of your life tormented by the past. This too shall pass and this experience has left you wiser, stronger, has matured you and made you a better person and the person that you are today. He is proving himself to you everyday, by being with you and showing you that he will never walk the path of temptation again. He has learned his lesson, so , it's ok to still feel anger, hurt and relive the past, but you have a lot of future ahead of you and don't let your past become an obsticle in your happiness. One day at a time, it will take time to heal, but it will come one day when you least expected. Your going to be ok and show him all these messages as a reminder that you will never permit him to ever hurt you again. p.s.....hope your feeling better and over the flu....Judy
Thank you. You are right. You repeated almost verbatim what my husband said to me New years morning. Unfortunate it was because we had one of the biggest fights ever, before he truly opened up to me. But like he said it is a new year, new day and a new time in our relationship. He realizes he needs to be more sensitive and I realize I need to be a bit less sensitive. So here goes, starting again in 2010!
whew---- just read these posts, hope that is okay. Relationships that are trying to recover are such a rollercoaster ride!
I want you both to know from someone reading from the outside---- your men seem like they absolutely love you.
Do you know how many men just leave? Even if they do not stay with the person they cheated with, they are not man enough to take their beatings from their wounded partners. The fact that they stay, speaks volumes.
I think Mami, that your fiance would respond to honest words. When you are sad and just want him to say sorry, I screwed up. TELL him that is all you are looking for. You aren't trying to beat him up---- but you want acknowledgement of your pain. He'll do it. He'll say sorry, I know it. The way it is presented now, he gets defensive because he thinks he is working hard to make up for it. And I think I would try to believe in your heart that he absolutely wants to be with you, loves you, loves your son, loves your life together and learned a valuable lesson as to that------ if you can let yourself to believe that, some of the anger will go away a little. He found out that YOU are the one he wants to be with.
So, I think you ladies are responding as anyone would under the circumstances, but I'm glad to say that you appear loved by your men.
I want you both to know from someone reading from the outside---- your men seem like they absolutely love you.
Do you know how many men just leave? Even if they do not stay with the person they cheated with, they are not man enough to take their beatings from their wounded partners. The fact that they stay, speaks volumes.
I think Mami, that your fiance would respond to honest words. When you are sad and just want him to say sorry, I screwed up. TELL him that is all you are looking for. You aren't trying to beat him up---- but you want acknowledgement of your pain. He'll do it. He'll say sorry, I know it. The way it is presented now, he gets defensive because he thinks he is working hard to make up for it. And I think I would try to believe in your heart that he absolutely wants to be with you, loves you, loves your son, loves your life together and learned a valuable lesson as to that------ if you can let yourself to believe that, some of the anger will go away a little. He found out that YOU are the one he wants to be with.
So, I think you ladies are responding as anyone would under the circumstances, but I'm glad to say that you appear loved by your men.
LOL! I know the feeling. You want to be mad but can't. We were at a basketball game last night and when leaving I reached over for Joe's hand and he pulled away and got his keys out of his pocket. I was so mad but then when we get to car he opens the door and then takes my hand once in. I pulled away . He asked why I did that. I told him how do you like it. He said it was not intentional but I still think so. He was so sweet the rest of the night. Even got up ( his day off today) and went to the gym with me. Who knows! Can't live with them or with out them.
So I get up for work today, go to leave and put on my jacket and in my coat pocket is a white paper hanging out of it. I open it up and on the inside it reads "Love you". I thought it was sweet. See, whenever I find myself questioning my relationship, he goes and does something like that. Ugh!
I feel you 100%. That's what I said to Richie last night...that I want him to hurt just as I hurt. That they both destroyed me and it seems as if she's moved on and he's still got his family and I'm the one damaged by it all. Still struggling with my thoughts, still questioning him and his faithfulness. I can't even handle innocent conversations with his female clients because to me, he's a liar. That's why he said that he does hurt, he hurts every day, all the time when he looks at me and when he looks at our son. He's like Joe, where they want us to forget and let it go but I think if it were the other way around they would struggle with it as well, maybe even more, maybe they wouldn't even be with us. I just feel like Richie had not taken any responsibility for my insecurities, I wasn't ever like this before. I was trusting so it's not like it came out of no where. I kept telling him that he made me like this. He created this monster I've become because of his actions and he needs to realize that. He feels like it's my problem also, but you know what, it's his because I scrutinize every little thing. I want to so believe him right now about that text message, but I have a hard time with it. Just as you have a hard time believing that nothing more happened between Joe and that girl. It's really messed up that we can't even be comfortable in our relationships.
Don't you hate it. I feel like a psycho - you love them and at the same time hate them, you want to hurt them yet protect them. UGH! I guess guys are just not as open with their feelings and emotions as we are. Joe and I decided not to exchange gifts this year due to our financial status, but I made him the scrap book just because I really wanted to convey to him how I feel, how deeply I love him. He loved it and was so appreciative. Well that night we are in bed and of course he is all touch feely and I am brewing inside. Not Merry Christmas, a card, I love you, kiss my ***. Just wanting what he wants and no thought of me. So I am trying to be all loving but major act at this point and he finally says " What is wrong with you." So I tell him. How can you be all Merry Christmas with your Clients, co workers and my family but not say a word to me. Then he says well I got your a card but I did not have TIME to fill it out. Like that makes me feel better. Oh so you do not have time for me. We just went to bed. Christmas morning I was better. Did not want to ruin it for the kids. Then he comes over to me hugs me and says sorry and I love you. I start sobbing. He cries saying I know you doubt that and I do not know how to prove to you I do. ( SHOW IT ONCE IN A WHILE) I did not say it but I thought it. Then I get a card with a receipt for a diamond anniversary ring he had purchased but sent out to be sized. I felt like a jerk. I had to explain it was not about the gift but about the thought of being last on his mind. Then Monday we had the fight I stated in earlier post. It is crazy. Monday he was great but Christmas eve I did bring up the girl and said I still do not feel he is telling me everything. He said that is my problem because he is and he is done being accursed and does not want to talk about it b/c it will never be over as long as I bring it up. I see what he is saying but when they do stupid stuff that gets you paranoid it will come up. Monday he broke and cried and said he was wrong and same as Richie, embarrassed, but you got to wonder at times, maybe because I train with a bunch of men and here them talk about Tiger Woods like their hero or something. Are They embarrassed or is it like Man, I got caught. I am sure in both our cases it sounds like they would never do it again because they know what they would loose. UGH! again such emotions. I am so confused at how I feel. I know what I want yet at times I make things worse with my insecurities. Yet I want to know that he knows he was so wrong and how much he hurt me and I guess deep down I want him to know what it feels like just for a bit.
We had a similar issue happen last night. He had fallen asleep on the couch and his phone was open and laying on his lap. It's been a long time since I had snuck a peek at his phone behind his back. I promised myself I would try to trust him and he has been so good lately, I’m not sure why I did it…morbid curiosity. I think no matter how much time passes, the trust will never be the same and you will always have it in the back of your mind. So I saw a text from a female and saw his text to her saying “good nite ma”. Well let’s just say I was furious. The thing is, he has female clients and so I know he’s going to have women on his phone and I know he’s going to converse with them but I had specifically told him not to call other women “ma”. In latin cultures, men often call women ma, and I get that, it’s like saying “girl”. But I feel it’s a term of endearment. I guess that’s how I always thought of it when my boyfriend’s would call me ma. We had this conversation when he used to slip up and call a waitress “ma” in front of me, I would tell him to stop. The last time he did it was when we were in Dunkin Donuts and he called the cashier “ma”. Needless to say, I thought he understood my feeling s on that subject. So seeing him write it to her just fueled my already brewing fire. He knows I’ve been a little on edge lately. He calls me “ma”, so if I’m “ma” and they are “ma”, then how does that make me special? Get what I’m saying? To him, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I don’t think he would appreciate me calling one of our male clients “hon” or “sweetie”. Even if it is innocent and me just being nice. I used to do it when I was single, I have more respect for my relationship than that. So we went to bed but I got up and he knew something was wrong and I went to the livingroom. He came out after a few and asked what was wrong. I told him that it was over that I can’t trust him at all. I told him that I saw the message to the girl. He said he calls everyone that and I was making it more than what it was. I told him that he knew how I feel about it and it goes against our agreement with not being so friendly with female clients and that not to call them “sweetie” or “ma” or anything like that. That he broke the agreement. I said that I have been through enough and I should be able to have a little more trust with him after all this time. How can I believe him now when he’s lied so much to me in the past? The conversation went on and I told him we needed time apart so I could think. He was upset because he said that how can we move forward if I can’t let the past go. My issues are he never let me talk about the affair at all. He always got defensive or refused to answer my questions, so I’ve held in everything, trying hard not to talk about it or bring it up so we can move forward, but that has hindered my ability to let go. We just kept going back and forth and me telling him I don’t know how this is going to work if I can’t believe a word he says. Finally he opened up to me, after over a year of not talking, he finally spoke about the affair. He told me that he doesn’t talk about it because he’s embarrassed by it. That he can’t believe he hurt me so bad and hates himself for what he did. That he thinks about what he’s done every day and that’s why he would never do it again. He wishes he could take it back. He says the reason why he spends so much time with Jayden now is because he messed up so badly and has to live with the fact that he lost so much in the beginning. He can never get that time back and he’s so mad at himself for that. He was crying when he was saying this, and it seemed genuine. He said that he doesn’t want to lose our family and that he’s not fooling around and he won’t fool around ever again. He is grateful for the second chance and is trying to make it work and wants to make it work. I told him the only way this will work is if he’s open and honest to me. If he can do that, then we can get through this. I told him that I hated him all this time because I really didn’t know how he truly felt, I knew he felt bad but didn’t think the remorse was so intense because he never talked about it. He said that he will respect my feelings about the word “ma” and that he understands why I was upset about it. I guess things are a little better, I just don’t really know how I feel right now.
No it doesn't sound ridiculous. Reading your first post I thought the same thing. But really you will know when it is time for another one or it will just happen. A friend of mine was in the same situation about 3 years ago and she thought another child would help their relationship and 2 months after he was born they split up and now she is a single mom of 4. But, their relationship was never good. It sounds like your bf really does love you and wants to be with you. They know what they did and they know they hurt us and that they can never change that. Bringing it up just frustrates them more. I know Joe gets upset but I told him he really has no right to b/c I need to vent and he could sit there and take it like a man seeing he is the one who caused the problem in the first place. He said he gets that. I am not mean but like I said the other day I just broke again with the Why question.
He did seem upset last night and today b/c I did question a call made on the phone bill, did not think it was to a female I knew it was to our cable company but I asked him why he called them did we owe or something, He got pissed and said Why are you checking and questioning everything I do, you said you were doing better and had stopped that, it disappointments me when you say one thing and do another to which my reply was " sorry, doesn't feel good when someone says one thing and does another does it, or does not follow through on a promise they made." He laughed and said okay I get your point. But this am I questioned him again on it, he said he wanted to see when the bill was due, but seemed pretty upset when he left for work.
He did seem upset last night and today b/c I did question a call made on the phone bill, did not think it was to a female I knew it was to our cable company but I asked him why he called them did we owe or something, He got pissed and said Why are you checking and questioning everything I do, you said you were doing better and had stopped that, it disappointments me when you say one thing and do another to which my reply was " sorry, doesn't feel good when someone says one thing and does another does it, or does not follow through on a promise they made." He laughed and said okay I get your point. But this am I questioned him again on it, he said he wanted to see when the bill was due, but seemed pretty upset when he left for work.
I don't know what it is. I think the new babies sparked my memories of when I went through child birth and then of course whenever I think of that time I remember what was going on. I hate it because when my mind wanders I always kick myself for staying with him. Saying, he doesn't deserve this second chance. He was rotten to the core for what he did to me. Then I go home and he comes home early and he's all affectionate and sweet and caring and then I forget about my anger. He's all pro-family now and wants to do things together with Jayden. He said he will never do it again because he doesn't want to lose his family but he just went so far the last time it's hard to believe he wouldn't do it again. I just can't understand how he could do it, spend time with her, spend holidays with her, heck spend the night our son was born with her and the night before. He said he was going to "church" to pray. I found it odd because he never goes to church but he said he needed to go because he was afraid. Ha, what a line of bull! It's so funny how I knew something was strange, all those times, my mind was saying, he's lying, all the times it just felt wrong. I get this urge now to want to have another baby just so I could have a better experience, a better memory, so I can see how much better he would be to me. It must sound ridiculous what I'm writing.
Wow, it must be in the air. I was thinking the same thing yesterday. Of course not about birth but my sons graduation. I was working like a slave to set it up and He took the kids to the fair ( she was there) I remember being so upset all day because I was working and they were all having fun. Then my parents 40 wedding renewal and party same thing I was working and I realize he was so distracted and no help, kept running errands but only to be on the phone with her. I know it is over but at times it hurts so much. Christmas was hard for me b/c my mind kept going there. It was a great day but I had to pretend like I was happy when I am still hurting. Things are for the most part better but there are times I just can not believe it happened so I too asked him Why, yesterday. What did I do to deserve this. At first he got defensive and said I knew this was going to happen, you seem so Moody lately, but then he said he was sorry that I did not do anything to deserve it. It still hurts like hell. Somedays are better then others but I hate days like yesterday. I feel like an insecure lunatic most of the time. I am so hungry for his attention I know it has to be driving him nuts. I feel I am going above and beyond to prove to him that I am okay and that I want this to work and that I love him and in the beginning he was there for me but as time goes on it is like he thinks all is well so I do not have to be as attentive and that pisses me off! I told him that yesterday and to my surprise he has taken 1/2 day off work to come home and be with the kids and I seeing I took this week off of work. I know how you feel and it is so not fair that we have to pay for their sins.
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