An affair is a - MISTAKE??!!

[TTinKKerBBell]

No - I don't think so.  A mistake is when you drop something, or misplace something, or mis spell a word, etc., etc., etc.  An affair takes Planning, and Time, and Effort and Deceit and a LOT of Lying.  (not to mention, it takes time to unzip and undress, and when and where, etc.) It is NOT an accident, it is not a "mistake".  It's a CHOICE.  One that takes a lot of Thought, Time, Planning and Arranging.  And don't be angry at the "other woman".  She is NOT the one who Betrayed you - she is NOT the one who promised to Love and Cherish you.  A man who has an affair is a selfish man who is only thinking of himself ("ME,ME,ME"). And he doesn't want to be confronted? or reminded? or held accountable? And you have to be careful to not upset him?  Excuse me??!!  He rocked your world!!  He damaged your Love, Faith, Trust, Belief.  He broke the Bond.  When a man has an affair it changes who you thought he was and in doing so he rips off a chunk of your soul and it changes who you thought you were.  And if he can do it once then WATCH OUT!!  The first time one does ANYTHING is always the hardest - EVERYTHING is  easier the 2nd time.  

[cheshchesh819]

i agree too that an affair isnt a mistake and that the other person is not to blame,but it aint just men who has affairs,i know woman who have done it to their men,i hope you can discuss your story with us all soon as you sound very angry bitter and emoitionly stressed.

[lor662]

I think i tottaly agree with you.alot of planning,and thought out lies,actors,and i never talked to or blammed the other woman,and she harrases me,with phone calls and had to change house number cell number and leave my place of employment from crank calls,,spent a year back and fourth in court cause of her,,and i did nothing,,i dont blame her still my husband is the totall blame to bring this to my life and every thing that came with it,,i think you hit it on the button here,,and he did ripe my soul,and who he was,,and he is selfish thinking of himself,and his misstress of course what she whants what she needs,,forget us,,we are just the stupid ones who trust ,,and then all of a sudden when they decide that there misstres is a psycho they run back to there wife cause hey,,,,they made a mistake and now we get to make decisions how thoughtfull of these pant droppers,that now the ball is in are court,,and its up to us to stay to leave to repair all the damage done to us how nice and thoughtfull of them,,its to bad they are so self destructive and selfish ,,,but hey we no deep down now what .who ,they ,liers and selfish people who care about them self,,,,nice post

[specialmom]

You know, one of the definitions of a mistake is doing something that you regret.  In that regard, an affair can be a mistake.  I think that sometimes for various reasons------- someone will have an affair and during it realize it is NOT what they want to be doing.  I've heard stories here that are very heartwarming of these spouses/significant others then busting their behinds to make it up to their partner.  In that regard, the affair was a mistake.  

[j7653]

Hi, I thought I'd wade into this discussion.  I agree wholeheartedly with your comments that an affair is certainly not a mistake.  In fact my wife cheated on me over the past two years and I just found out about a month ago.  So as I am learning more about things she has admitted that she clearly new it was wrong and yet did not want to stop.

It is unbelievably selfish.  When I confronted her on that and told her I was shocked that she could put herself before her daughter, she agreed that she had.  She claims that she has never in her life put herself first, and she is doing it now, even at the expense of my daughter and me (of course she makes herself feel better about things by saying that our daughter is fine, etc..  but on the other hand she is scared sh itless that my daughter will find out).  

We are getting divorced and she got what she wanted, which was to leave our 12 year marriage (16 year relationship).

Regarding the guy, I do hold him accountable, although to a much lesser degree.  I know the guy (not well / he was a contractor at my house), he knows my daughter, our life together, he is not an idiot.  If it happened once I might be able to look past it, but to carry on a 2 year affair takes A LOT of work, planning, lying, deception, time, etc...  That is NO mistake!

[mami1323]

I agree, she owes us nothing but being a woman myself I would never do that to another woman when I know that they are unavailable and have a family.  They are just as selfish, they want what they want without any consideration for the wife/partner or kids involved.  They are equally responsible I feel.  They are trying to "win" the person over with manipulations.  

[lovemykids465]

I agree but as they made the choice to stray some of us have made the choice to stay but fool me once shame on you fool me again shame on you. I was mad at my husband but also the other woman b/c she knew about me and our family, she knew things were hard at home with our daughter being ill and our son in rebellion,and the strain it put on our finances and she used all this information to work her way in there with her I am here for you speech. Yes, he betrayed me and he made the choice and believe me he is paying for it, but she being a woman who was once cheated on, knows what it does to a family and what it feels like, yet she choose to continue so yes I feel they are both responsible.

[mami1323]

Welcome to our community TTinKKerBBell, perhaps in time you will want to share your story.  We appreciate your thoughts and yes I do agree it isn't a mistake, it is a choice.  But some don't always do it a second time around.  Every situation is different.  But I do agree, it tears a hole in your soul and no matter how much time passes that hole will always remain.  It may close but the scar is always there.  I wish you the best.