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Anger and Forgiveness
You speak of forgiveness and suggest staying angry is not healthful but I see most of You have only "forgiven" Him -not "her". You are still angry and blameful toward "her". Only DeeDee has taken steps to "forgive" both of them. I respect all Your choices to forgive or not but it appears you are able to "forgive" him because you want to carry forth a life with him - but you do not forgive her and you are still angry at her. How is this different from my anger or unforgiveness? It seems like your "forgiveness" is selective here. From my perspective it's not my job to "forgive" - I'm not God - that's His job. I happen to think I am in a good place - Well deserved anger can be Healthy and Liberating - but that being said You confuse my "unforgiveness" with anger. Angry now? - No - I have moved on. Unforgiving - Yes - I still think they are DOGS - BOTH of them.
I totally get what you are saying. I told my husband the same thing, that she did not make him do it. No one held a gun to his head. So as for him hurting me and our children, our relationship, yes the blame is his. But I also feel any woman or man who knows a person is in a serious relationship, knows that their are innocent people who will be hurt.
I am not a person who would cheat,,i am not a person under any i mean any circumstance that would go out with a married man ever,,but the fact still remains that she or he dont care to do this,,and honestly its not up tp them to care about us,,yes its moraly wrong yes they are what all of us thinks they are,,but it is up to the husbands and wives who cheat to put them in there place to refuse the situation,, and if they did none of this would be happening,,are spouces are to blame no doubt,,no im married should be said,,i do feel yes they are heartless people but they are not to blame,,,my husbands misstress new my husband had a family,,and she did not care,,why should she ,,we are not her concern,,we are his concern,,,now as you no his misstress harassed me with none stopable crank calls at my home work etc,,she even called and when i said hello she called me a ***** and hung up,,i had to get restraning orders from her and her ex husband to stay away from me and my children,,did i talk to her,,no did i ever go see her i could have but no,,she is not worth my time,,my husband brought this to my life and are childrens,,so i hold him fully responsible,,do you understand what im trying to say
See I don't agree, I think people should be accountable for their actions. Whether it's your spouse or the other people. I think our partners have to be the ones who are repsonsible to us because they are the ones who made the commitment to us. But the other people are willing participants. Would you ever do what the other woman did to someone else? I know I wouldn't.
Man or woman ,its not the misstress nor the other mans fault,,its our spouces fault hands down,the other people are not are problem,,they are who they are,,who cares they didnt lie and cheat on us,,they can be homewreckers etc,,its still not them its are spouce,,they are the ones to blame,,no one can take a man or woman who dont wanna be taken,,period
The truth is, I had to forgive the other woman to get her out of my life. Through working to forgive her, and trying to find forgiveness in my heart for her, I have forgiven other people in my past as well. There is true peace in letting go of anger I wasn't even aware that I was carrying. It might take a lot of time, Tink - but forgiveness is the only path to freedom.
Tinkerbell, are you still with the man that cheated on you? Probably not. If you wanted to recover from the affair and sustain your marriage then you would have to forgive your partner. I'm guessing that you are not with him any longer.
So, I think there are two groups of people when it comes to infidelity. Those who want to work it out and those who don't and they will look at things differently. And you must also take out those that are fresh in the midst of it all. They eventually fall into one of the two categories but may not know which one yet.
Anyway, believe it or not, some show their support by saying rage and anger are not good to hold onto. I think you are looking at it in a different way. The reason why I say that it is not good to hold onto is because there are direct links to our overall health and anger. Cancer rates are higher, depression rates are obviously through the roof, substance abuse rates are very high for those that have unresolved anger issues. Finding ways to let go is beneficial for someone and suggesting that here is not to dismiss that someone has a right to feel that way but to say that if it is not dealt with it will cause other issues. I believe any therapist would suggest that it is not healthy to have rage inside. They would give you effective ways of dealing with it.
I also think, knowing some of the folks here that they are trying to recover from the turn of events in their lives and continue their relationship that they must know that many DO recover the hurt and pain of infidelity and go on to be happy with their mate again.
So, I think there are two groups of people when it comes to infidelity. Those who want to work it out and those who don't and they will look at things differently. And you must also take out those that are fresh in the midst of it all. They eventually fall into one of the two categories but may not know which one yet.
Anyway, believe it or not, some show their support by saying rage and anger are not good to hold onto. I think you are looking at it in a different way. The reason why I say that it is not good to hold onto is because there are direct links to our overall health and anger. Cancer rates are higher, depression rates are obviously through the roof, substance abuse rates are very high for those that have unresolved anger issues. Finding ways to let go is beneficial for someone and suggesting that here is not to dismiss that someone has a right to feel that way but to say that if it is not dealt with it will cause other issues. I believe any therapist would suggest that it is not healthy to have rage inside. They would give you effective ways of dealing with it.
I also think, knowing some of the folks here that they are trying to recover from the turn of events in their lives and continue their relationship that they must know that many DO recover the hurt and pain of infidelity and go on to be happy with their mate again.
It was hard for me to really say what I meant, glad you understood it love...lol.
Thank you Mami, I read tinketbells post last night and I did not know how to respond. But you said it all. I do not wish Ill on this woman and I am not out to sabotage her, she does that on her own and yes I get pleasure out of her falling flat on her face. She is the only one who has not had to suffer the consequences of her actions. She has just moved on to her next victim ( a man who was living with his girlfriend for 3 years) , I do believe they are victims because this is her MO she will not date a man who is not attached. Yes, I have suffered but so has my husband. I made sure of that in the beginning. The thing is I have forgiven him and though I have not forgotten his actions have proven to me that we can begin to rebuild that trust. Her actions have not proven an thing but she does not have to prove a thing to me.
Tinkerbell no one is saying not to be angry. They are saying staying that angry is very unhealthy and in order to be happy with yourself again, you should try to move on. Which is what you said you are doing. I have forgiven my fiance because yes, I choose to stay. Why else would I stay with him if I can't forgive him for what he did? If I couldn't let go of my anger towards him, it would not be possible. Doesn't mean I'm not still angry at him and have my moments where I want to poke his eyes out. However, I choose not to forgive her because I don't owe her that. She didn't owe me when she came into my family without giving a rats a$$, so why should I forgive her. I harbor more anger towards her because I don't have to love her. I am not emotionally invested in her. She was an outsider, he is the man I'm in love with, the man I have a child with. Does that make sense? I have anger towards her but I don't let it effect my life. I don't allow my anger of her to control my thoughts or my relationship.
I blame him,,i married him,he made the choice,,not a mistake as he claims,an affair in my opinion is not mistake,,well if you get caught like most do then its there mistake ,,its a choice one makes..my mother asked me if you saw them together haveing sex if you listened to his conversations about you if you were there and saw them acting like they were married,,would you think this was all a mistake,,,,,,,,also the other woman if not her it be someone else,,i got harrased for minites hours days and weeks and months,,i whent to court for a year because of this,,i had to change jobs cell, house number,,from his mistake from his misstress,,oh sorry CHOICE,,and what did i do,,oh ya i whent to work 7 days a week,took care of the house kids laundry,,to bring a second income in,,and never got to have the time to drive that new sports car it took us years to get,,because my older son saw the two of them shopping together in it and never said anything at the time for ovious reasons,,,,oh ya when the misstres ex blew the lide on him macking a scene at are home i just found out we were back a mortgage payment,,,and in all of this i never ever spoke nor whanted to to her i never ever gave her the time of day,,why cause he did is the one,,i will not stoop to her level
I recognise that forgiving my wife, and the bloke she's been shagging, would be beneficial to my mental health. That doesn't make it easy to do! Most of the time now I'm OK about my (soon to be ex-) wife, I still have nothing but hatred for him even though I've never met him, but I try not to dwell on it more than I can avoid.
Yes, it would be more healthy for me to forgive him, particularly since he'll become more of a feature of my ex-'s life when I move out and he will no doubt start to feature in my kids' lives, but I'm not there yet.
Yes, it would be more healthy for me to forgive him, particularly since he'll become more of a feature of my ex-'s life when I move out and he will no doubt start to feature in my kids' lives, but I'm not there yet.
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