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Consequences
What about " If you choose the behavior you choose the consequences" don't cheaters get? I mean, why do those who cheat get so upset about the way their significant other responds to the infidelity? Don't they think they are actually getting off easy compared to what we could have done?
I totally agree with you. Joe and I decided to work it out and in the beginning things were not good. You see he was not totally honest and the more I caught him in a lie the angrier I would become. He said he lied to protect me, that would **** me off and I would start yelling and he would say I do not have to stay and listen to this and i would say and I do not have to stay with a cheater. Then he would say your right I am sorry I get what I deserve and then i was alright. I just wanted him to admit to being wrong but I realized being right does not always make you happy so we have decided to move on. I have my moments but not angry anymore. Trust is still an issue and he realizes that. But I agree with you all the ranting and raving only made things worse. Good luck and Thank you for giving us the other side.
Brice that is true. At some point the spouse has to learn to let it go and can't continually use it to hurt the guilty party. But that does take time and eventually it does get easier over time.
As I mentioned before, I was the cheater in my marriage. I agree to a point with the statement that the cheater should have to deal with the consequences, emotions, ect that the affected person is feeling.... to a point. Hear me out before there is a rush to judgement.
By this I mean that if there is any plans of reconciling the marriage, the responsible party needs to be on their best behavior. They need to be there for their spouse through thick and thin, be supportive, be understanding.
Since I was the unfaithful partner, I am doing all I can to help my wife through this. I am being understanding, I am offering support, I am being reassuring, and am doing everything my wife is asking and then some.
(Here's where I'll probably inject the controversy) If the couple has decided to work it out, get therapy and find answers to all of their problems, I don't think they have the right to have an open season on the unfaithful party, at will. There too are consequences for this action, and I think its worth noting.
If the two parties have decided to work it out, it does not give the faithful partner the right to be nasty all of the time and think that the unfaithful partner will stick around.
Being nasty all of the time in and of itself is grounds for divorce. Who is going to stick around in any situation that is completely unfavorable??? Let's say there was no infidelity, but Janes' husband is this terrible shrew. He is always in a bad mood, often verbally abusive. How long does Jane stick around in that situation? Because she is married, does that mean she has to stick around forever? Absolutely not.
Speaking from my own experience, the only way I could feel worse about my situation is if my wife had cheated on me. (I am not looking for anyones sympathy with that statement) But had my wife been the cheater, I coiuldnt expect her to sit around and take every tirade I had to offer, and do it for the long haul.
What I could justly expect is her profound apology, her support, her understanding my feelings, her willingness to work at this and get therapy for all issues pertaining to the situation, her undivided attention when I speak, her willingness to talk openly about the situation. I could expect her to be completely honest, to get tested for STD's, to work on rebuilding my trust, my integrity, my worth and self-worth, and probably nothing short of that. Ripping her head off whenever I felt necessary probably isnt going to be too condusive to "working it out".
I guess whats a more fair question is, how much anger is acceptable and how long can it be expected? Fairly, I think it would depend on the individuals, but I guarantee that nobody, male or female, regardless of how much they want to make it work, is going to sit around for the rest of their lives and get chewed out daily.
By this I mean that if there is any plans of reconciling the marriage, the responsible party needs to be on their best behavior. They need to be there for their spouse through thick and thin, be supportive, be understanding.
Since I was the unfaithful partner, I am doing all I can to help my wife through this. I am being understanding, I am offering support, I am being reassuring, and am doing everything my wife is asking and then some.
(Here's where I'll probably inject the controversy) If the couple has decided to work it out, get therapy and find answers to all of their problems, I don't think they have the right to have an open season on the unfaithful party, at will. There too are consequences for this action, and I think its worth noting.
If the two parties have decided to work it out, it does not give the faithful partner the right to be nasty all of the time and think that the unfaithful partner will stick around.
Being nasty all of the time in and of itself is grounds for divorce. Who is going to stick around in any situation that is completely unfavorable??? Let's say there was no infidelity, but Janes' husband is this terrible shrew. He is always in a bad mood, often verbally abusive. How long does Jane stick around in that situation? Because she is married, does that mean she has to stick around forever? Absolutely not.
Speaking from my own experience, the only way I could feel worse about my situation is if my wife had cheated on me. (I am not looking for anyones sympathy with that statement) But had my wife been the cheater, I coiuldnt expect her to sit around and take every tirade I had to offer, and do it for the long haul.
What I could justly expect is her profound apology, her support, her understanding my feelings, her willingness to work at this and get therapy for all issues pertaining to the situation, her undivided attention when I speak, her willingness to talk openly about the situation. I could expect her to be completely honest, to get tested for STD's, to work on rebuilding my trust, my integrity, my worth and self-worth, and probably nothing short of that. Ripping her head off whenever I felt necessary probably isnt going to be too condusive to "working it out".
I guess whats a more fair question is, how much anger is acceptable and how long can it be expected? Fairly, I think it would depend on the individuals, but I guarantee that nobody, male or female, regardless of how much they want to make it work, is going to sit around for the rest of their lives and get chewed out daily.
I posted this once before but really love is not a feeling. It is more like lust. I know Joe loved me but was infatuated with the other woman. I believe you can fall in love with another but it takes time. Just like a seed, if you plant it and walk away it will die, weeds will take over, but if you cultivate it, then it will grow. The more time you spend with another then you start to develop deeper feelings. My husband said this woman was hitting on him for awhile before he even thought about starting a relationship with her, when he ignored her he felt nothing for her, but the more we struggled the more he opened up to her, he began to be drawn to her. Now, we spend every moment together we possibly can, to the point that it annoys other people but we like to be together. It is like falling in love all over again.
I'm going to send you a private message. Check your inbox.
Brice left me last night. He just went away while I was at work. He left his phone behind. Didn't take any clothes, so I imagine he'll be back, but I think he'll wait until I'm not here. I do not know this man anymore. My heart is broken.
Sammy have you ever seen the movie "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. She is a bored housewife who lives a very nice life by the way. Her husband and her moved to upstate NY away from the city so they could raise their son in the suburbs. She meets a man when she is in the city and starts having an affair. At the time she was falling for this younger man, it was fun, exciting, she couldn't get him off her mind. She was disconnecting from her husband. But one day she made a surprise visit to the other man and saw him in a bookstore with another woman. After that she realized that she was crazy. This relationship wasn't the one she was supposed to be in, she then decided to reconnect with her husband. Of course her husband discovered the affair and killed the guy. But what you wrote reminds me of that movie. How distorted their thought processes become. My fiance had developed feelings for the other woman. He still loved me but wanted to spend time with her. Enjoyed being with her, probably over being with me many times. At the end of the day, it wasn't right and he realized that. Some people never do realize it. In the end, they leave their partners for the one they cheated with and it usually never pans out the way they had hoped it would.
So true, mami.
I think it's also the case (sometimes, at least), that love/infatuation/whatever can blind or distort the perception of the cheater, beyond all recognition of a rational, outside observer. Remember when you were first truly in love? All you want is to be with that person, and being with them makes you feel so good, so right. How could something that feels so right, so meant-to-be, possibly be wrong? And people never see themselves as "the bad guy" (even Hitler no doubt thought he was doing the right thing at the time!), our brains aren't programmed to accept that, so it comes up with all sorts of justifications as to why what we're doing is The Right Thing (e.g blaming the partner for lack of affection or not being sexy enough).
I read a fascinating article, think it was in The Sunday Times (UK newspaper) a few months back, written by a woman who had an affair. While she was in it she genuinely believed that this was true, pure love, it felt so right, it felt so good to her, it had to be what the universe had intended for her. It was only when it was over (I can't remember what finished it, but she did end up staying with her husband) that she saw it for the typical seedy affair it was, complete with all the cliches such as clandestine mid-afternoon meetings in cheap hotels with rooms by the hour.
Some cheaters will never achieve the level of self-awareness that this woman achieved.
It gave me a new perspective on my (will be ex-)wife's behaviour. What seemed to me like madness, irrational destructive behaviour makes much more sense when seen through the prism of the love she has for him. I saw some of the e-mails the exchanged (yeah, I know I shouldn't be prying through her e-mails, particularly since she isn't hiding anything from me, but in a way I'm glad I did 'cos it helped me understand what's going on and why), she really loves this guy, it shows in how they write to each other. When you feel like that about someone, it's hard to conceive that what you are doing could in any way be wrong. Their perspective on the situation is totally different to anyone elses.
I think it's also the case (sometimes, at least), that love/infatuation/whatever can blind or distort the perception of the cheater, beyond all recognition of a rational, outside observer. Remember when you were first truly in love? All you want is to be with that person, and being with them makes you feel so good, so right. How could something that feels so right, so meant-to-be, possibly be wrong? And people never see themselves as "the bad guy" (even Hitler no doubt thought he was doing the right thing at the time!), our brains aren't programmed to accept that, so it comes up with all sorts of justifications as to why what we're doing is The Right Thing (e.g blaming the partner for lack of affection or not being sexy enough).
I read a fascinating article, think it was in The Sunday Times (UK newspaper) a few months back, written by a woman who had an affair. While she was in it she genuinely believed that this was true, pure love, it felt so right, it felt so good to her, it had to be what the universe had intended for her. It was only when it was over (I can't remember what finished it, but she did end up staying with her husband) that she saw it for the typical seedy affair it was, complete with all the cliches such as clandestine mid-afternoon meetings in cheap hotels with rooms by the hour.
Some cheaters will never achieve the level of self-awareness that this woman achieved.
It gave me a new perspective on my (will be ex-)wife's behaviour. What seemed to me like madness, irrational destructive behaviour makes much more sense when seen through the prism of the love she has for him. I saw some of the e-mails the exchanged (yeah, I know I shouldn't be prying through her e-mails, particularly since she isn't hiding anything from me, but in a way I'm glad I did 'cos it helped me understand what's going on and why), she really loves this guy, it shows in how they write to each other. When you feel like that about someone, it's hard to conceive that what you are doing could in any way be wrong. Their perspective on the situation is totally different to anyone elses.
Oh and as far as consequences, well they should be happy they still have us.
I think they don't want to deal with it. Our therapist (love him), says that people who cheat, want the other person to just get over it, move on, erase it from the memory, forget about it. The person who was cheated on has steps of grieving to deal with and needs to deal with it in their own time. I always have to remind my fiance that I wouldn't be so insecure, or so distrusting, or so on edge when he's late or going out, if he never did what he did. I'm this way because of his actions. He still says, at some point you have to let it go. As if it's so easy. If the shoe was on the other foot, I highly doubt he would even still be with me. I wish I could just get over it, I wish it never happened, I wish I could let my wall down and really love him again. I am a changed woman because of it and no matter how good he's being now, it will never be what it was before the cheating. It's very sad.
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