Hi Lor, glad to see you on here again. Sadly, I do know how you feel. I had just wrote a comment to someone in the Relationship Forum about just how hard it is working through infidelity. I can say that I am happy and Richie and I are doing well. But there are times when I feel just how you feel. We are human and we have emotions and even though we can move forward, those thoughts will always be there. It's sad because you wish that memories of the infidelity can be erased and unfortunately, they are tatooed on our brains. I started a blog about my journey and the name of my blog is "wounds heal scars remain" because it's so true, even though the initial wounds are healed, there is that scar that will forever be there. Richie treats me better than ever and yet every time he goes out I wonder if he's being honest with me about where he's going. I do give him grief still. I don't bring up his affair but I still question if he's being faithful to this day. I'm not sure if that ever goes away. Maybe as years go by it gets less and less. I know I'm so much better than I was before. I try my hardest to be easy going and allow myself to trust him. The pain of infidelity is so intense and it puts a sort of wall between us and them. I hope it gets easier for you at some point and you can enjoy the love your husband is giving to you now. That's what I try to do.
I'm sorry You are still in such a difficult place. It's still a heavy burden You carry, and I'm sorry for that too. You will never forget, and I'm sorry for that too. I was relieved to hear from You here at long last. I've been very concerned for You since our last correspondence and I've wondered and wondered if You were okay. I'm glad You're okay.
Thank you,, There are different ways and emotions that every person handles the situation of infidelity,,Some say they move on and there marriage is better than ever,,Really you think?For me i moved on in the way of not throwing it in his face or argueing with him any more,,The trust?Ihave to be honest and say probably he would not ever do this again,,but who knows?i never thought he would in the first place?Like i have said befor,,He claims it was a wake up call for him,,Its a shame that he needed to resort to this whole situation and mess and everything that came with it to have a wake up call,,I had a wake up call also,,knowing the one person i trusted and had a family with would disrespect me and bankrupt are family for his so called wake up call,,Really sad,,Risk loosing the so call person you claim to love so much for a woman you just met and she new you had a family wich also disrespects herself and him at the same time..I keep this this with me its in my heart forever and thoughts,,Yes life goes on and so do we,,but it wont change the fact that we still suffer in silence in are own way,,All the victems of infidelity handle the situation different because every situation is different,,also the way we find out plays a big role also in the way we think i believe
Do You know what?, lor622, I don't think the Pain, the Hurt, the Anguish, the Despair, etc., etc., we go through when there is infidelity is that different from one of us to the other. I think the difference of whether a Marriage survives or not involves many, many other things - whether or not we can go on knowing that we have been so betrayed by the one Person we believed would love us as deeply as we loved Them. Sometimes it's "easier" to stay than it is to leave, especially when there are Children involved. Either way, it's the hardest thing many of us go through. One never forgets - one just learns to function with what has now forever been changed. We find ways to "justify" why we should stay and "try" to Trust and Believe again. I did all this myself, and more. But mine wasn't a one time situation. I withstood the anguish for 15 years (I had 3 Children) - my husband never stopped cheating - he moved on every Friend, Relative and Neighbor I had and it dam* near killed me!! I have no words in my vocabulary to express my pain. (let alone the humiliation I felt for so many to know what he was doing) You never forget!! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE ANGUISH YOU ARE LEFT WITH but I'm glad You have found a way to go on
I am lor663 i had a hard time to sighn in with my password,,,,,And yes i agree with you,,staying was easier for me because at the time i was financially at a good place,,Until i found out we were not since he entered in his affair,,which made it even harder for me to leave ,,its not an excuse,,i suppose i could of gone to family etc,,but you are already humiliated and with kids to pack up its not that easy,,especialy when he refused to leave,,And the memories never leave,,I spent a year going to court cause she harrassed me at my job my familys home and by telephone,,the courts issued her restraining order and a year of keep the peace,,Funny how she harrased the victum me ,,when i never ever called her or anything,,All because my husband would not leave me,,wow,My Husband told me she ascked him are you leaveing your wife,,I THINK THE BETTER QUESTION WOULD BE IS YOUR WIFE LEAVEING YOU,,goes to show when he told me that i imagined more of all the lies going on between them both,,,I honestly do not no how any marriage could be better than ever after an affair,,Is it better cause they get caught so now we can look and watch them like mothers and keep track of everything,,were as befor we were in the dark,,No infidelity is so disrespect full of us are children and every one else who no and no we dont,,Its humiliating,,disrespectful and cruel,,All i no is life whent on for me but the pain and memmories of everything stays with me even after 4 years like the first day i got that call and home visit from the misstress,,thanks
I don't think you need an excuse to keep your family intact. I think it takes great strength to do this and sometimes the 'easier' thing to do is leave.
I'm a fan of redirecting thought. If you start to 'go there'----- actively have a plan of either something else to do or thoughts to have. Force yourself to move in that direction when you start thinking of the past.
And the affair is your past. You have made a decision to stay with your husband, I presume with the hope of being happy again someday.
The reason why some marriages do get better after an affair is because if you can accept that your husband could have easily left you behind but didn't-------- you will believe that you are his choice. His change in behavior means he now values you more than he did before. Sure, he crushed the innocence of your relationship but knowledge is power. Attitude is everything. If you see the positives in bad situations------------ you learn, grow and improve.
I've had great tragedy in my life. I've found wisdom and positives in all of it. It is hard to look at things that way but there is great benefit in doing so.
One of the greatest things we can have is peace. I wish you peace on this journey.
Good point,,but in my situation was i his choice? she was not playing with a full deck,,she threatened him harrased him and me,,she was a big problem for him,,i was not
Yes, you were his choice. He could have moved on with or without her. He chose to stay and be in the position of the 'bad guy'.
He's chosen to stay married to you---------- he could have left to be with the other woman OR another woman besides her or on his own. Nope----------- he stayed with you and has tried to show you he loves you. Accept that. Peace.
You said my husband choose me after the affair,,No my husband choose her,,Thats what an affair is? they choose the other woman over us and are family,,Should us the victems be Happy they stayed after they get caught,,Seriously???DID WE NOT HAVE A SAY,,THE BETTER QUESTION IS ??ARE WE LEAVEING THEM??many husbands stay for several reasons also,,TTINKKERBBELL,husband stayed after repeat cheating ,,should she be HAPPY HE STAYED?????????????????you make it sound like we should be gratefull they go out and cheat and destroy are lives and are values,,are family,s AND WE SHOULD BE GRATEFULL THEY CHOOSE US?????THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS MEN STAY??AS WOMAN,,SO SUGAR COATING THAT IS WRONG
He could have moved on with or without her,,REALLY YOU THINK,,then they should not do that in the first place,?????,He choose to stay and be in the position of the 'bad guy'. really??? THEY ARE THE BAD GUY,,,They choose the position to engage in a affair?Now we should be HAPPY THEY SO CALL CHOOSE US????OH YA ITS ALL THERE CHOICE TO STAY OR LEAVE? GEE I FEEL SO BLESSED YOU SO CALL CHOOSE TO STAY WITH ME AND BE IN THE POSITION OF A BAD GUY??I MEAN SINCE I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,,BLESSED WITH INFIDELITY
Oh geez lor, calm down. If you think your current place emotionally is good for you, stick with it. No skin off my back.
You completely missed my point because you are holding onto your anger for dear life.
He could have left you for GOOD. But he is still there. This does not negate his despicable actions but should be something you can accept as a positive in your relationship. Otherwise, leave the guy.
But please turn your caps off and quit shouting at me. This is a public forum where others can share their ideas and mine was only meant to give you a little different outlook to think about. Here is to hoping that some day you have peace within.
I am not angry,i am just voiceing an opinion also ,he could of left me for good,, i just dont see it that way thats all,,i could of left him for good also,,i do not find that comfort to shift a thought of that kind because i do not feel special for his decision to not leave,,he should be the one who should be gratefull thats all ,,also i no in my heart why he did not leave,,he bancrupt are family,,and his misstress was not all there,,that he later on dureing his affair found out,,he did feel bad,,i would to if i did what he did ,,emotionaly and financialy,,also i have not throw any of this in his face and i do not ask him any more questions?because he still tells me what i want to here ,,not the truth so i do not even bother,,at the begining i did but shortly after i never did,he seems more concerned then i,,he calls me all the time to chek in with me,i tell him not to ,to stop and he continues,,on his lunch he will go out of his way to come home,,he has nothing to prove to me i dont care,,he actually does not like when i dont throw it in his face ,,weird,,i tell him whats the point,,he asks me if i hate him,,i tell him i dont hate you but i do not like what you have done,,he says if i could change it i would,,my responce is you cant change it,,and i apologize i always do some cap locks not towards you
Well, I'm sure it is a hard situation at home. My suggestion wasn't so that you should give him an award for staying but looking for the positive is all.
I'm sorry it is hard. It does sound like you have left the relationship emotionally. His questions of you are probably because he knows that on some level.
Anyway, I do wish for peace in your heart over it all and future happiness.
I use capitals often too, not cuz I'm yelling at anyone but because I'm trying to express the deep passion I may be feeling in the moment, trying to emphasize certain words in order to express the passion. It's hard to express the written word in the same way we might speak it. I've been understood as angry too when that has not been my intent. (Oh, I HAVE been angry in years past, but not any longer). We only speak in words and the written word is not the same as when we are better able to convey our passion one on one when we are speaking with someone. To me, You sound "resigned to Your fate". I felt that way (resigned). I told him I would "accept" his affairs and not interfere with his cheating in any way as long as he made no sexual demands on me. I had long since quit loving him and I wanted no intimacy with him. I thought I could continue to live with this man for the sake of my Children and for the rest of my life. I did live this way with him for some years then, as I said earlier - all of a "sudden" I couldn't stand even the sight of him, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. When I left him I was bent only on saving my sanity - I wasn't looking for happiness, I didn't expect I would EVER be happy but that was okay with me!! I simply didn't want to be UNhappy anymore!! I HAD to get away from him. SO - even now if it's somewhat difficult to be around him at Family Functions I tell myself, I KEEP telling myself "this is small potatoes compared to what I went through when I was married to him!!" Change is possible for You too. It takes a long time, a REALLY long time with a history and such abuse and torment as You've had but one day You will find more peace and comfort either with Your present husband or with another, maybe a different future. I know You can't see that now but it's possible.
Thank you ttinkkerbbell,i no you understand,,When i had no knowledge of the affair i would look forward to see him after work,,as that got more and more rare,,when he would answer the phone finally i always said i love you to him,,i did see a great change in him,,his time his excuses,,late early hrs,,wardrobe,,etc,,he would sit every morning with me and we would have coffee and he would give me a kiss when i left to go into work,,i ignored all these sighns and a lot more,,i always took care of the house and always made sure he had supper for when he finally came home,,not eaten of course,,we lived in the country and had a car and truck,,he always had an excuse to make sure i could not drive out when he left,,he would say the truck needed repairs so he took are car,,no buses of course so i was stranded till he came home,,he would leave his cell home so i could not contact him,,but he had a secret cell i knew nothing about till discovery of his affair,,i think looking back i knew something but ignored it all cause i probably thought he would never ever do this,when it was brought to light to me it was worse than i ever imagined,,we were behind mortgage,credit cards furniture payments etc,,then the misstress harrass my home work etc,,all i could say to him when i looked at him was ,,how could you do this to us???and are family,,his responce was im sorry i made a mistake,,i said no,,you made a choice,and now your choice is hurting me and are children and everything we worked for is gone,,gone we could never get out of this kind of debt now,,,i was working at most 7 days a week,,tired like crazy and still helped him with his work and took care of every one,,i was drained tired and still managed to get threw to make everyone happy,,i would feel guilty when i went to the hair dresser,,i thought to spend it on the kids or him instead,,so i feel that aspect of him blowing are money on her ,,was a big blow to me also,,,,when i asked him if he used protection as a mature adult,,he said ?well we did not when we met,,i told him you idiot 20 years we been together,,and dont compare are marriage to your affair,,He told his missttress i had affairs on him,,that was confirmed,,it goes on and on but i think you get the point thanks
Lorraine, I DO get the point and my Heart is heavy for You. The destruction goes very, very deep for You. Most of us don't take the financial hit You are left with along with the personal HeartBreak. I wish I had the power to make this go away. It's meaningless to say that I know but I would do that for You in a heartbeat.
I think what worries me about you Lor----- is that you seem like you really don't want to be there. That is understandable. Some people never get over an affair whether they had the extra complications you did or not and decide to start fresh. You felt you couldn't leave, I guess, but it must be hard to live a lie. I say that in all sincerity. This must be your place to be honest about what is really going on.
I think it is just hard because there are people that do really want to reconcile after an affair. And it is possible to do so. I hope that they can come here too and receive support for that.
Well, I'm not a super ettiquate person but cap locks for full sentences is suppose to be interpreted as yelling in the cyber world. And as you did seem quite upset at what I had written----- it didn't seem too out there that you were 'yelling' at me. Sorry if I got that wrong.
Anyway, Lor, you do not know me. We keep talking about peace---- but in earnest, that is my hope for you.
I would like to ask - Do You ALWAYS carry this anger in Your Heart or do You come here to vent Your anger cuz You can?
I really want to know cuz it's important.
I DO understand Your anger (I do, I do!!). The injustices served on You would outrage anyone. That being said, I do feel concern for Your health and well-being. Personally I feel that acknowledged anger when we've been wronged is a normal reaction. But PROLONGED anger can eat us alive.
Your husband did a horrible, horrible thing and the ramifications of what he did caused You even more suffering than what many here go through. He EARNED Your anger. But while You cannot undo what's been done, You CAN change Your future (You can, You can!!) Your Children are grown and have made Families and Futures for themselves and maybe, just maybe it's time for You to decide to change Your future. I can understand that may seem futile to You right now but change IS possible and it's good, very good. To do this You have to make the conscious decision to quit holding on to the things that are holding on to You. I repeat, You cannot burn YEARS trying to undo what can't be undone.
I say this with the utmost care and concern.
My wish is for You to find a way to feel better about Your Life.
I come here cause when i was searching for a reason to find out why men cheat,,i stumbled on to this site ,,and i first started to talk to mami1323,,who helped me without words can say,,she was there when i needed to talk to someone,and she created this group,,and she has been my angel,,,then i met you and others and i needed strength to carry on and understand and communicate with others who expierience what i am,,you are a blessing as well,,thank you,,i think im not angry im very very hurt,,and ya you might be right i might be angry i just cannot see it that way i guess,,thats why i look for advise ,,i can not turn to family i feel nor do i whant to cause i no they have not been threw what i have so i feel they will not understand ,,,i guess i feel talking to other woman who have been or are going threw what i have might help me understand and give me some advice i really need ,,from all opinions,,i have been on this sight since it happened and im gratefull for every one and there opinions no matter what they are,,you are all good to me thank you so much
Also,,i will tell you how my husband is since it happened,,he respects me i believe since his affair,he is a different person,,he says he loves me and he tells me he is sorry all the time just out of the blue,,he claims he would never hurt me like that ever again,,and he goes out of his whay to do even the small things for me ,,he is a changed person and says on his own,,his affair was a wake up call for him,he says if he could change it he would,,and said he realized what he was doing was wrong,,but he had to end it slowly with her cause he new how she was,,he says im a good wife and im a good person,,he claims im distance from him and no longer feels loved,,he believes i love him because of all are years together,,i told him many times i needed a trial seperation,,and he begs me not to go,,so i stay,,when we do get together in the bed room ,,i always go back to what he did and im not there with him in that room,,it sickens me and i go back to the thoughts of when it happened,,Now when he gets angry at me for something he accuses me of cheating,,he says i never appreciated his hard work,,but i also hard work with the children extra,,he throws things in my face,,and all of it is a lie ,,its like he was revenge for me,,he will say get over it ,,he calls me bone rack,,he says i better never cheat on him,,Then he will apologize to me but more damage done to me,,if he would have left ,,he would have saved me, i would of had no choice to move forward,,but i might have not had the time to see how i felt after it all blew over,,i just cant move forward i have in the cence of i Never bring it up,,i never throw it in his face,,but yet im still hurt like the first day
I understand and appreciate everything You said in this last post. As regards what I asked You about anger - NO I am NOT "right" - I'm not INSISTING to call Your feelings "anger", if it's "hurt" rather than "anger" I want to be the FIRST to go down as saying I UNDERSTAND!!. In fact I would say Hurt goes DEEPER than Anger - I simply wanted You to confirm for me what in fact You ARE feeling. Anger? Hurt? Maybe a huge amount of Both? Much of what I said about how Anger takes a toll though, I feel the immense Hurt can take the same toll.
I also agree with You that it's extremely helpful to be able to talk to others who have had the same experience. I did not have that option when I was going through this. I could not turn to Family and I no longer had Friends. Since my husband had hit on all my Friends I had quit seeking Friendships. The humiliation for me was unbearable!!. I was very, very alone in my pain and I had no one to share with. A forum such as this would have been very helpful to me at that time. Personally, I get the impression that most people here become impatient with those (you, me) who don't "conform" to their opinions and ideas of how one should "forgive" "forget", and "move on" in the relationship. It's like there is little Compassion or Understanding for those who STILL have difficulty and can't quite "go/get there" YET!! It's sorta like they say "enough, already", "let's quit with the heartache, the heartbreak and lets get on with it!!" Like there should be some sorta time table for how long the pain should last - how long it "should" take for "recovery" - easy to say for the offender, easy to say for those who have not experienced this - but NOT SO EASY for the "victim" of the betrayal by the One Person in this World that we expected to be #ONE "till death do us part". There IS much to be said for those who choose to move on and stay in the Marriage (kudos to them) - BUT for those who cannot get "beyond" the betrayal - for those who cannot "accept" this - there SHOULD be more Understanding/Compassion!! It REALLY, REALLY should not be EXPECTED that EVERYONE should accept this - and those who can't need to be able to express their Feelings as well, and should receive Understanding as well!! These people need to talk and share also. One should never take a superior attitude towards You or me (and others) because THEY have "attained" acceptance of what they have been dealt - because that (in reality) is what it comes down to. You either "accept" the injustice You've been dealt or You do not/cannot!! In my personal opinion - "they" are "settling" and some of us cannot do that. Doesn't mean that we are weaker in fact, maybe, just maybe, it's the stronger who cannot quite "go there". Maybe it's the stronger who cannot SETTLE and be "ACCEPTING" of what should not be "acceptable"!! (and most often would NOT be "acceptable" to the offenders here and most often would probably NOT be acceptable to those here who have not been THERE)....being Strong IS harder on one than it ever is to be Weak.....especially when everyone one else is saying "enough already" ,"get over it".......just saying.
I speak as one who has been on BOTH sides of the spectrum. I WAS the "forgiving" wife for many years.....and then I became the wife who would no longer "forgive". Today I would say STRONGLY and FIRMLY, betrayal EVER at ANY TIME is a deal breaker!! We are not wrong, to EXPECT, even DEMAND faithfulness from our partner and we are NOT obligated to accept it when it does occur.
Yes i agree with you,,when it first happened i will never get out of my head what my mom ascked me?she said if you were in the room with them and saw them together in you no that moment,,,would you have left him? i said yes i would have,,,But sometimes what you do not see you only asume or you question yourself,,cause now its only what you hear what happened cause we are not there to see,,so the imagination i guess gets the best of us and we are left with are own thoughts and suspisions?and many questions??i feel very hurt and i dont and never will have the truth from him,,i know this because at the begining i had asked him questions,,and the same questions at a different time and again,,and each and every time it was a different story,,so i no i cannot believe him,,i strongly do not believe in cheating and i feel the one who does cheat should ,,seek help,talk to the spouse or leave the relationship for awhile,,,i feel i had no choices and was humiliated and as a wife and mother ,,who spends many years building a life together,,this was extremly disrespectful in every possible way,,and then to take a financial blow,,it saddened me,,I was so so happy when we bought are home,one happy day,,i loved my home and was proud ,,to all get that taken by the bank,,without my knowledge hurt me,,By the way i no my spelling is bad,,sorry for that,,i just seem to take it so hard and i dont no how to go forward with him with these feelings,,and i never bring it up to him but he does see it in me,,its like i lost my out going personality
If You Hope to Recover and move on in this Marriage, I wish that for You.
BUT - if You don't, if You can't - then that is all right too. One doesn't just "walk away" from a 20 year marriage. So - if You stay, it is going to take a long time to "recover" and if You leave, it is going to take a long time to make that decision also. I repeat - One doesn't JUST walk away after 20 YEARS - one has to "work up" to it. You are probably going to do one of 2 things - You are probably going to live and re-live this until You're SPENT, BURNT, and at that point You will be able to put it down and THAT is when You'll know if You should stay or go.
No-one here has had the RAMIFICATIONS that You've had - it's not "simply" the cheat - it's everything else as well !! You were STALKED for a YEAR!! and You had to take this woman to court to get her to leave You alone!! and You lost Your HOME!! I can't IMAGINE the destruction of all that You have been through!! Some situations ARE greater (even WORSE!!) than others. A knife wound is painful to all but some stab wounds ARE deeper than others and the deeper ones take more recovery time. and 3 or 4 Children make the stab wounds deeper too. and 10, 15, 20 years of marriage goes deeper too. and it's not a SIMPLE matter of "oh, I'll just go" or "oh, I'll just stay"
I put my experience in the "worse case scenario" as well. The CONTINUAL cheating was devastating!! The cheating with Friends and Relatives was devastating!! I wanted to leave him the FIRST time he cheated but I was trapped!! I was so young (17), had 2 babies BOTH less than one year old, (my first Baby was 10 1/2 mo. old when I delivered my 2nd Baby) I had not completed high school, I did not drive, and I had no where to go except home to an alcohlic Mother who was physically abusive to me. I fell small and insecure and unimportant and inadequate and etc., etc. There are no words to express how deep my anguish went - YEARS and YEARS of anguish - I felt I had no choice but to stay but as I stayed I still suffered the pain of it all. Others might have said to me "get over it or get out" but I could see no way out. When I did leave it was an act of deperation, not a calculated decision or plan - "suddenly" I could no longer TOLERATE my situation I had to get out so I could breathe!!
I am so glad for those who have been able to resolve their pain and continue in their relationships but having said that - I question could the same people have tolerated Your situation? or mine? Would they have "repaired" under the same circumstances? I think not cuz Your stab wounds are MANY and they go DEEPER. No one has walked in Your shoes. Please don't blame YourSelf for taking it so hard - what You've been through is bigger than the rest of us. I have Huge Compassion for You.
Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this