Does it still go threw your mind

[lor662]

It has been 4 years,,im still with him,,He has changed completely,,he tells me he loves me every single day,,he says it was a wake up call for him,,Thing is i suffer in silence every single day like the first,, still till today,,i will be honest and say he also gave me a wake up call,, and i could never look at him the same way ever again,,there is not a single day that whent by that i did not have a thought of what he has done to are family and my self,,do i trust him,,Definatley ,,but in my heart i really dont care,,its not a trust issue for him to repeat it again,,its what he did and all the lies for months,,it makes me feel like a fool and shows no respect for my well being,,to me he laughfed and took advantage of my trust and took a chance to loose me ,,i lost are home and everything we ever worked for is gone all because of his disregard for himself and mine,,i not only struggle now i blame him for it,,but not to his face,,in my mind,,and every day i look around me its a reflection of what he has done,,I DO NOT THROW IT IN HIS FACE I ADMIT I USED TO ALL THE TIME AT THE BEGINING,,but i do not anymore ever,,i just keep it to my self,,and if im with him and i do see woman glance him,i dont say a word but it even doubles my daily thought,,Any one feel this way

[brice1967]

Furthermore, things are different today.  You and everyone live in today, so take what is available and use it to your benefit.  Nobody's infidelity should be compared.  Situations varied, the aftermath varies too.  Everyone can strive for better, rather than dwelling.  And I think that the comparison, "yours was worse" is almost giving someone a license to dwell instead of compelling them to move beyond.

I am not saying I think the hurt should be gone, nor ignored.  I am saying that there is more to life than this, and if you still have a heart beat and brain waves, you can move a bit past this with time.  It does not need to be the precursor of all thoughts on all days.

I'm not going to tell anyone that the crap that happened to me in my younger years is worse than anyone elses.  I'm not them, they are not me.  Until that can happen, one cannot fairly judge which is worse or better, and even then there is no use.

[brice1967]

Oh no, I'm not offended.  I am just trying to figure out the usefulness of comparing one's case to another.  I just feel that when you do that, you inadvertently demean anyone else whose been through the same thing.

Everyone here has had their lives and marriages devastated and or destroyed by infidelity.  By saying one is worse than another means that someone else situation should be somewhat better, and I just don't get that.

Not that I've heard a lot of stories about rape, and I am not comparing rape to infidelity, but I've never heard rape survivors comparing rapes.  Do people even do that?  Is one rape lesser than another, and would that make it easier to overcome?

It just seems to me that the intention of this thread is to help people over come this.  By constant comparison, I feel as if a few things are happening.  You are keeping the situation right at hand instead of allowing distance and healing or promoting distance and healing.  I think by comparing, you are saying "go ahead and feel miserable.  Yours was worse than anyone else and you are entitled to feel as bad as you want for as long as you want."  That just seems so counter productive on so many levels.

Comparisons aside, I was under the impression that this site was about helping, and comparisons aren't help.  I was sure that the site was about getting through, and comparisons do not get one through.  Comparisons keep everyone's infidelity in constant judging.  For the life of me, I'll never be able to get how that is helpful.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I sorta feel You also have misunderstand a little what I mean.  I do NOT feel, that infidelity "per se" is worse or harder for some than others.   I know that Infidelity hurts everyone the same way and in the same place.  What I have intended is that the "ramifications" can differ from situation to situation.  My situation was different in the sense that my husband cheated many times, with family and friends who I still have to relate to today,  Also, that I was only 17 with 2 babies and felt "helpless" for many years to change a situation of cheating and betrayal that never stopped - this is "different" than many - there were many more issues "besides" the infidelity that were also devastating, even abusive, and it lasted a very long time for me.  I did not have the support or the "tools" to work through these issues that is available to You all today.  I'm grateful that this exists for You and I'm HUGELY impressed of the work and the progress that You AND DeeDee AND Mami have made - but it was not the same for me.  Lor has/had many "extreme" issues to contend with BESIDES the infidelity also - MORE and OTHER losses.  Most of us here have not taken the financial hit, the loss of our homes, our car, etc.  These things are "extra" and are ALSO devastating and PROBABLY serve to feed the anger.  It's even MORE than the infidelity that one is having to try to work their way through.  I do not compare the grief that comes to ALL regarding the INFIDELITY - but the emotional hit that ALSO occurs when it continues and/or when You lose Major, Material things You have worked all Your Life for.  Please, understand that difference.  It gives one MORE things to work through and the anger is a normal, natural phase too and it needs to be validated, understood.   And, sometimes, people don't make it through that and when that does happen, that's okay too.  
When I understand or agree with Lor's "extra" losses, or when I speak of my "extra" losses, it by NO MEANS means that I don't think everyone else has not suffered the SAME grief that comes when one feels betrayed by infidelity.  For some it's not "only" the infidelity - it's OTHER losses as well that resulted from the infidelity(infidelitIES) -  and the losses are everyday present and everday on-going even if/when the infidelity stops.
  
I haven't meant to offend You, either.

[brice1967]

I'm not ever going to say its funny that anyone would compare their case of infidelity being worse than another.  That in and of itself is ridiculous.  The difference in all relationships marrred by infidelity is that "we", ourselves are in those other cases.  

Anyone saying their case is worse than another is just a bad starting point.  Better than that, it does nothing to help one move past, through, over or around this.  It adds even more negativity to the most negative thing that can happen in a marriage.

All of you ladies have had marriages marred by infidelity.... every single one of you.  You are the same in that respect.  How can any differentiate the difference between cases of infidelity?  You are not any of the other women involved.  Regardless of what anyone says in this thread/board, you've got no real impression of what that other person is going through.  There are many similarities regarding infidelity.  But there are many differences.  Nobody gets an award for having the "most damaging" case of infidelity, so why compare?

Comparing is lessening other peoples grief, or is easily perceived as such.  I can tell you that what my wife has gone through and continues to go through is as bad as any here.  There is no lessening that.... there is no lessening anyones case, and there really should be any agrandizing anyones case either.  It breeds more negativity, it breeds more self doubt.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Mami, I  am not jabbing You.  I wasn't speaking to You.  I've been on this thread ever so long now communicating with lor.  I've probably been on this thread 10 x's and the other thread She has going here probably just as many times.  My words have been directed to HER and HER situation, not to You. You are taking things I've said as a personal affront to You - not intended at all!!  I  have never said "Mami is weak because She decided to work through  Her relationship" - in fact I think it takes a strong Woman to stay as well!!  I've done both - I stayed for a very long time and then I left and, believe me - I know One has to be Very, Very strong either way!!  I'm simply telling Lor it doesn't mean She is weak if She can't accept it.  Shouldn't She feel strong too??  I have not been here to smash You - I have been here communicating with Lor.  I AM NOT throwing jabs at You - I AM SPEAKING TO LOR.  If You have read everything I have said here You will also see that I'm always glad for Those who are able to resolve this.  You will see that I've commented that I'm glad for Those who have mended their relationship and I mean that from the bottom of my Heart!!  BUT not Everyone can do that and those who CAN'T need affirmation for their position and feelings  as well.   Lor doesn't need to feel She has failed or is wrong if She can't achieve what You and others have achieved.  My words have been intended to confirm Her feelings - NOT to offend You.  I really feel that no one is wrong here - that Everyone is right - that Everyone has the right to feel whatever They feel.  YOU HAVE EXCELLENT ADVICE FOR PEOPLE!!  And I appreciate what You say and the way You express it.  I do feel my situation and Lors too differ from many here and THAT is what I've spoken to.  And even when a Marriage does not survive, the betrayed Person still has much healing to do and doesn't need to feel They are to blame if the Marriage fails after an infidelity.  It's truely not only Those who stay who need Healing and Comfort and Communication.  Lor doesn't need to feel that She is weak or that She has failed if Her marriage does not survive.  When I say to Lor that She's strong that doesn't mean I'm judging You or anyone else as weak - simply affirming  to Lor that She is entitled to feel what She feels.  I think You are entitled too, as well as each and every one here.   My support of Lor's feelings has NEVER been to "smash" or "condescend" You or AnyOne!!   You shouldn't be offended by anything I've said to Lor as it was meant to address Her personally and not meant as judgement on anyone who has chosen a different path.  I mean that, sincerely.

[mami1323]

You know what Tink, every time I make a comment to Lor you seem to throw your jabs at what I say.  Then when I confront you, you say "oh no I did not mean it that way".  I'm done with this thread. Let's not forget I created this group to help people heal.  I've tried my hardest to give the best advice I can so that the victim of infidelity can find some peace of mind.  Whether it be stay or if they choose to leave.  Stop knocking women who stay and making it sound like they are weaker or tolerant of bad treatment because they have chose to make their family work.  That's completely unfair because in all honesty, a lot do choose to stay and your comments make them feel like they have bent over and taken it in the a$$.  Not everyone's relationship is over because of it and frankly I feel very empowered by my choices.  I didn't just play the victim here, I actually chose not to be a victim.  Just because he did what he did, I didn't sit and go oh woe is me, I decided if my choices were to stay I am going to be happy no matter what.  I took the power back and made myself happy.  WITH HIM!!!  If I wind up in the same situation with him again somewhere down the road, I still wouldn't regret giving my family a chance.  Yes, that's my situation and I'm not saying Lor's situation is like mine.  I'm not comparing anyone's situation to anyone because we all have our individual experiences.  But I've tried my hardest to give advice so that Lor is happy.  Each and every turn I get smashed down by your condescending remarks.  So you're free to go back and forth with eachother.  I'm finished here.