Avatar universal

Going through separation..very depressed!

My fiance and I have been together for close to 12 years. We have 2 girls ages 10 and 4. The first couple of years we always had our ups and downs and we struggled to stay together. But now, it's been really really hard since I found out he cheated on me when I had just had my second daughter and the woman became pregnant so he has a daughter that is 3 with this woman. We seperated for some time but I eventually forgave him and tried to move on. We never really worked on our relationship, we kind of just swept it under the rug and din't really discuss it because he didn't like to. I was very patient and I was hurt but I wanted to be with him because I loved him and for the sake of the girls. Now I made the biggest mistake of my LIFE...I cheated on him for 2 months as well. It didn't start out as a revenge or anything like that, I never in a million years thought I could be capable of something like this. I hate myself so much for doing this to him and I want to work on us but he will not. He is disgusted with me and wants to separate as we are not married. We are still iving in the same house but it's so hard not to talk to him..he won't talk to me. What can I do or what should I do in this situation.,.Any advice I don't have anyone to talk to about this as I feel very shameful!
28 Responses
Avatar universal
I am sorry you are going through this.Infidelity causes so much pain and heart ache. I think before you can work on your relationship with your fiance, you both need to seek help on your own. You both have cheated and even though what's done is done, there are many re precautions that come along with it and you need to get yourself to a place where you can deal with your emotions, hurt and questions. You know how it feels to be cheated on and how miserable it is and yet for some reason you chose to do it yourself. You really need to get to the bottom of it. Because the ones who are really going to suffer due to both of your actions are the two innocent little girls ( actually 3 children, the child with the other woman did not ask to be born into this situation). See if he will go to counseling with you, if not maybe a trial separation is what is needed until you both can truly find yourselves before involving others.
Avatar universal
Yes, you are most definitely right. I do want to get to the bottom of this. I have seeked help for myself and next week I start counseling. he will not go, he thinks he doesn't have a problem and just blames everything on me. I wish there was a way to get through to him, to help him, but he is stuck on his ways and I just want to work on myself now. This was one pf the problems I always thought about him first and always left myself last which caused alot of resentment. Thanks for your advice it really helps.
Avatar universal
Please, someone, explain to me why anyone would call someone "my finance" for
TWELVE !! YEARS??   or SEVEN !! YEARS??   or even 5 YEARS?  I truely, sincerely don't get that.
Avatar universal
We never got married. I just have a ring and never made it to the altar. I actually call him my husband, but legally we are not.
Avatar universal
Do You HEAR what You say to me here??
1388999 tn?1370042814
Hi Tink...... So many couples are in this sort of relationship.I dont suppose it makes much difference to how they connect...De Facto has been going on for yrs and most look on it as a bit of paper and thats all.

Everything has changed in this mixed up world we live in.I think that it makes no difference  anymore as married or not people will still cheat on each other.

1388999 tn?1370042814
Once again the old chestnut do as I say not as I do.....if I was you I would kick  his bottom from here to kingdom come.
How dare he !!!!! has he a problem with HIS memory what a piece of work he is.
You have got yourself a dyed in the Wool male Chauvinist Pig.

But sorry ......hun two wrongs wont make it right and you Must put your children first as what ever you do will impact on them for a long time.It might be a good idea if you did separate as I would think it is not a happy household at this time.

I might be old fashioned but I would never do something I know I will regret later.
When my ex had an affair I never thought of doing the same thing I simply could not go there.Although I would have had a hard time refusing Elvis in his heyday and Paul Newman..... but they rightly belong in my fantasies only.
Avatar universal
You know this is what I keep hearing...kick him out!..It's sad to me but in reality that is what's best. And I thought the same, how dare he get all huffy and blame everything on me. We are both at FAULT here. I accept what I have done and I'm trying to get through this. And yes you are right, Male Chauvinist Pig he is!!!

I really appreciate your honest opinion.
Avatar universal
What I am suggesting is the word "finance" implies pending marriage and after 12 years (or 7, or 5) maybe marriage was never the "intent" and if one is not ready to commit (as in a marriage) maybe we shouldn't be living with these guys and making babies with them.  If things are ever going to change it would be up to US to change them.  We could start by dropping the attitude "boys will be boys" AND the attitude "what can I do to make sure this never happens again?".  If WE change our attitudes THEY will HAVE to change theirs.  

seeana, I love Your humor!!
Avatar universal
Hey, let me interject for a minute.  First off, finding yourself help is key so be glad that youo started there.  Your stability will be paramount when it comes to raising those kids.

Secondly, if the guy doesnt want to address his problems, they arent going to go away.  Take it from me, a man who for 30 some years either blew up or swept things under the rug.  These problems will bite him in the hind quarters.... and if these problems don't, not knowing how to deal with future issues will.  It's a given.

I would never tell anyone to give someone the boot.  This is a decison that only you can make.  Take a good long look at yourself and your situation.... take a good long look at him and this situation..... be fair while judging.  (I am fortunate enough to have a 2nd chance and I am doing all it takes and then some to try and save the marriage)

I do not believe "once a cheat, always a cheat".  The interesting dynamic here is that you both cheated.  

Good luck, get help and listen to your therapist
Avatar universal
So you take him back ater not only having an affair but also having a child with someone else whilst with you,brave woman that would of been the end for me,i could and have forgiven an affair,but another child na,soory i couldnt,so then you go and have an affair,as you said not for revenge,it was a mistake,but one your partner cant forgive,so tell him to get,you can forgive him and not even be allowed to discuss it with him and the same with your affair,do to him wot he has done about his affair swwep it under the carpet and forget him,i honestly think this relationship has gone through to much damage,i am really sorry and i feel for you.
Avatar universal
I agree with Brice here. Lonelyag, you need to find yourself first. This is not a stable environment for the children either.
1388999 tn?1370042814
I was reading about an interview with Gerry Hall she said that she put up with Mick Jaggers affairs for years until he fathered a child with one of them and that was it.

Your guy is a Rotter .... the more I think of it the more irate I feel for you.There are not many guys like Brice.....I think his marriage will work out stronger than ever as it has given him a wake up call.... guys like him are rare as hens teeth and he has the strength and stamina to change (don't read Brice as you will get cocky).

You are only a baby still ....you have your whole life ahead of you to find the right one.Let some other female take him on...just imagine having him with you for the rest off your life,one thing we both know is your respect for him has gone.Why cheat on him if the respect was still there in the first place.???

Avatar universal
I so agree with with what seeana says here about respect for him but I would add - what about SELF Respect?  If We had SELF Respect most of Us wouldn't tolerate the cheating in the first place.  And SELF Respect wouldn't allow us to "retaliate" by cheating back.  I still believe with all my heart there is NO validation/excuse/reason for cheating on a relationship/marriage.
1388999 tn?1370042814
I know what you mean Tink but in my case I think I lost myself respect. I was in my mid fifties when it happened for the second and last time I felt old and ugly convinced that noone would want me as my ex did not.
It was only when I tried internet dating and found out there was lots of guys who wanted to go out with me and did ! that I felt still attractive.

I just wanted to show the pronk( my made up word) that other guys wanted me even if he didnt But.... he was in the UK wasent he Grrrrrrrrrrrr.And when I found my wonderful man he up and died didnt he.Typical......

Tell you what he wont be looking down on me he will be looking up.Thinking  back..... he did me a favour .
1388999 tn?1370042814
Yes I regret he died we were together 40 years .But now I do not miss him at all.
1388999 tn?1370042814
Oh dear did not mean my man now.... I was talking about my ex who died.
Avatar universal
Just my 2 cents worth, I think one can have self-respect and still move forward with a current relationship.  I think the key is to find out where the lack of self respect came from and deal with that effectively.  

Each situation is different even though the traits of the affairs may seem similar.  The difference between what happened to me and the difference of what happened to you is simple.  One happened to me, one happened to you.  We are different people....

What you need to do is take a long look at the whole picture.  You need to formulate a plan that will work for you.  Seeking help with a therapist is not a sign of weakness, in fact I view it as a strength.  Coming to this board can offer all kinds of assistance, and Lord knows its helped me! What you need to remember is that what you have been doing wasnt working, so there needs to be a change.  The level of change is up to you.  You can start simple then ramp it up, or you can clean house and start over.  There are also starting points between the 2 previous mentioned ideas.

Keep in mind of the term flexibility.... you can be flexible with how you deal with this.  If you start one direction, it doesnt mean thats the only course of action.  Remaining flexible, you can change course when you hit a snag....but keep all options open.  Your health comes first here, and thats whats most important.
Avatar universal
I see where all of you are coming from. And to be honest I feel like you are all right in the sense that I have to figure out what I want and find myself. I do have a whole life ahead of me and hope to come out of this a better ME. The self-respect is definitely something that has been LOST. I feel like such a FAILURE. I have always done things right..and then this turned my life upside-down.. I seriously feel like being the cheater is so much worse then being cheated on. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I don't know the answer to that. I don't know the answer to alot of things and it kills me. I take full responsibility for what I have done...but WHY did I do this? That is the questions that I so would want to know the answer to..and I know I have to do alot of soul searching to answer that question. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all your input! It really helps!
Avatar universal
I wish I could come up with a plan...but it's hard. I'm very weak when it comes to making hard decisions like this! I have to make sure it's right for my girls and I. I don't want to mess up more than I already have.
1388999 tn?1370042814
It is much worse to be cheated on than be the cheater.I will tell you why!!! the cheater has a choice.... the one who is cheated on has NO choice.

Anyway stop beating yourself up ! your guy cheated on you first of all AND he has fathered a child with that woman.

Don't you see its not about what YOU did its still about what  he got up to..... and the audacity of the man to be very angry at you.

YOU did not mess up HE did.Do you know what !!! I bet you would never have had an affair if he had not cheated on you.

Somehow this man has convinced you that what you did was so much worse than his affair ...what a piece of work he is.

You do  need a plan ! you need to be strong....you have no choice for your girls sake.
I sound hard  but  cant you see what is happening ?? you are being dominated and controlled I know this because my ex tried to do it to me and it stinks.No way would I want you to feel like I did as it can affect you for the rest of your life.

Take the high ground angel you have that right.

Avatar universal
Seanna, I appreciate your input so much!! Somehow I try to always think this way but something gets into the way and I go back to BLAMING myself for everything..like I'm so much better than this. Know what I mean. I know I can be stronger for my girls. That is my number one priority at this point!

Thanks so much seeana! You're awesome!
1388999 tn?1370042814
Do you know why you go back to blaming yourself ?? because your manipulating man is making you feel that way by not giving you love and affection which we all need.

Maybe if you let him know that he is not very high on your priorities at the moment it might make him think twice before putting you down all the time.

Look in the mirror ! what do you see ??? take back what is yours...Pride,  confidence and self worth ....you dont have to sleep with another man to find it...just know its there.
145992 tn?1341345074
Oh goodness, this is sad.  First off, can I just say I have been engaged for a long period of time.  Why that is may be different for me than anyone else.  But we wanted to make sure our relationship was healthy before we walked down the aisle.  We had been through a lot and we didn't want to jump into marriage when so much turmoil was going on.  So we can't really judge everyone's situation the same way.  

I think it's important to realize that two wrongs don't make a right, however, what's good for him is good for you.  If you could forgive him for all he did, then he should find it in himself to do the same.  But I know that male ego takes a beating and it's really hard for them to look past cheating.  I know my fiance would not forgive me for it if I did it to him, yet he did it to me.  I wouldn't do it for a bunch of reasons.  But you shouldn't allow him to make you feel so bad about yourself.  

Don't allow this man to manipulate you.  Think about all you've had to put up with and get angry.  Anger will help you in deciding whether you really need to be putting up with his behavior.  What you did was wrong, but he of all people should understand how forgiveness works.  I don't think you need to convince him of anything, if he wants to forgive you he will, just like you did him.  

I think the first mistake that was made was him not allowing you to discuss the affair.  Nothing will change in a relationship until you tackle what brought you both there in the first place.  I think counseling is necessary, if he doesn't want to work on things then you need to work on you.  Good luck.
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