Hello is everyone Ok

[seeana]

Looks like everyone has gone back into hibernation.If you are doing well that is great ! if not talk about it.
I am having trouble sleeping cannot go for more than two hours without waking up.This has been going on for about 4years why are we creatures of habit,any ideas on how to break this one.???

Always wondered why we retain the bad habits but never the good.

[brice1967]

You are too correct when you mentioned the protective guard thing.  It is normal to feel and behave that way.  Dee Dee is still doing it, but its getting so much better.  We actually talked last night for some time.  It is all about the details, which she has been asked to not talk about.  I understand the "want" to know all of those things, but that enhances that protective guard thing.  It also goes to conjure up images in her mind which in return normally start an arguement.  Dee Dee is getting it.  Little by little, things are coming around.  And really, Ive got nothing but time.  She realizes now that she has to start to curb those attacks that are driving a wedge between us, and that too is improving.  The deal with that is, I am starting to put up the protective guard because I dont know when these conversations are going to develop into a full blow out.  That isnt a big help either, but both of our therapists agreed kind of that the ball is in her court now.  If the marraige is going to heal, she has to move beyond the details and concentrate on whats happening in the now.  The past cant be changed, the future is uncontrolable, but the now is!  Dee Dee gets that, and is really working towards that, but just has relapses.  Her moods recently have been bouncing between anger and sadness.  It's been a tough go recently, but we are getting along and are havivng normal conversations in no regards to the affair.

[lovemykids465]

you are absolutely right. I am hoping that counseling will help him with this. He had a very tuff upbringing. He was given up at birth and taken in by a couple in their 50's. He was her ( adoptive mom) life, The rest of her children were grown and married living lives of there own but when he was 11 his dad died and 13 his mom. He moved in with her eldest daughter who had already raised her own children and was now raising her grand baby and really did not want Joe there. He went through hell there. So I do see what you are saying I just need to learn to deal with it and try to figure out how to meet that need in him ( I thought I was )

[seeana]

Sorry no comma's pressed too soon.  where it starts with  ....   He is sensitive should be ....they give him what HE wants....not what they want.I know its all over the place but I write as I think.

Tells you a lot about me lol.

Its not an affair as such its the Affirmation of who he is and what HE needs.

[seeana]

Do you know what just you saying he might be going to his mobile for comfort says a lot he needs to be treated like you treat your children,fussed over cuddled and cared for,his family background will tell the tale which you already know.

I don't so either he is the youngest,an only child,one of a big family, or in the middle of three.
        That said ! its because he had a lot of attention or never enough either way he wants what he never had OR always had  if that makes sense.

He is sensitive  a worrier and needs to told  that  he is important to all of you.He feels like an outsider looking in.Its What about ME.He does not want these woman sexually he wants attention when he gets the poor me's and of course they are nurturers they give him what they want.

He does not know how to take charge be strong make you feel safe He wants that he cant help it it stems back to what he is.And somehow he has to be taught how to grow up and take responsibility for his little family he must step up to the mark for you all.

You need to turn it around as every time there is a Crisis like now he might creep away to get in his mind that, Confidence that he needs to be strong and supportive as he cant cope sometimes.It will be interesting to see if he is trying to breakaway and do it by himself .


Can you become everything he wants ?? you can turn it around now that you are aware
you have to change your whole outlook for a while ! he CANT help it he loves YOU he craves attention and affection that he always had OR never got.
JMO..

[lovemykids465]

Have it, read it, and recommended it!  But you are right. His is words of encouragement  I was encouraging I thought but apparently he needs much more. But we are well. Kate was rushed to hospital by ambulance from school today her sugar was 47. She was admitted, I am with her, Joe took off early and came to visit with us and now is home with boys. We are scared to death but know she is going to be ok. Has test for pancreas again tomorrow. THis is usually when things fall apart for us, so I am very nervous. So want to check cell record to see if he is running for comfort but will not do it.

[GroovyDeeDee]

Hey girl!  I just had a thought.  Have you read the book, "The Five Love Languages"?  In no way do I want to say here that anything is your fault, but maybe you are not speaking Joe's "Love Language" and he's getting that from these female "friends."  Brice and I both found the book to be a quick, easy read - and maybe if you guys read it, you'd be able to figure out what's behind Joe's need for whatever it is he's getting by talking to other women.  Just a thought.  

I'm doing ok.  Still struggling.  I still can't read posts about brand new affairs, too fresh and I'm still feeling a little "raw" under my skin.  

Brice is being really amazing, and part of me thinks that's why I'm not fully letting go - I'm enjoying his support too much ;)  But at some point I will have to quit being weepy/angry.  I had to leave work early one day this week, 'cuz I just couldn't pull it together.

You have all been so much help to me - I aspire to someday be able to read those new posts and give some wise and insightful advice of my own!  Wish me luck!