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Avatar universal

Need Advise

I am in a very tough situation in my life. I been married for 20 years and have 2 teenage kids. My husband is a nice guy and provides a lot for me and the kids. We were always very open about our relationship. We been with other guys/girls, together, 1:1 and that was ok. But couple of years ago I met this guy, we were friends to begin with and before we realized it changed into an affair. And it became very intense very soon, both emotionally and physically. Due to some circumstances, now the scene is that my husband and his wife are completely aware about this. My kids can see that our relations is completeley devastated, they have some doubts, some ideas, but they are not sure why. Kids are saying that me and my husband always had issues in our marriage since last 10 yrs and thats how they always remember our relationhship. They strongly feel that either we should give a serious try to to see the counselor and make it work however we can, or we should just separate. It has been impacting them a lot all these years, they have seen us arguing, yelling, screaming, verbally abusing and even physically abusing to the point where we couldve killed each other. Things are very ugly at this point and kids do not care about either of us, they don't even want to live in this house. They don't have any ore patiecne to deal with us, either we need to fix it soon or we need to separate.

My husband always loved me. But now he says that I have been cheating for couple of years even though we had a open marriage, he is very heart broken, he says this marriage is over for him, he tried to fix it many times, he doesn't want to do it any more. He told me to make decision he doesn't care if I want to move out n then file the divorce. He said, if you choose to stay in this house for kids, then we will live as strangers, we won't have anything in common, If you keep working out things you may win me back or else we may never be together.  I know that my kids are totally shattered and i don't want to walk away from them, i do want to fix things for them even if it means moving out. But i don't want to be out of their lives.

The other guy that I love, i know that I am deeply in love with him and so is he. He said it many times that I am his soulmate and he wants to spend his life with me and he would marry me in a heartbit. He loves his wife and is sad that she is hurt, He is ttrying to fix things with her, he isn't sure if she will choose to live with him or not. He says that if she leaves him then he will be with me. He knows that he loves her and as an obligation and his husband responsibiltiies, he need to stay with her. But he says that he loves me more than he loves her, he loves me more than his own life, his heart is with me and he really wants to tell her that and just be with me. I feel the same way. We would be together in a heartbit. We know we would have a happy life together. We know we love each other a lot than we love our spouse. He doesnt have a courage and a heart to tell his wife openly and leave her. I cannot tell that to my husband and leave him because i am scared of loosing my kids. But me and my lover are hurting a LOT, life is misrable for us. We know that if for some reason our spouses are out of picture, then we both would be together. We are trying to stick to our families, but we are finding it very hard not to talk, not to meet and we hope that one day we would be together. I have couple of friends I could confide in and they tell me only one thing that we live life only once and we should be happy so I should seek my happiness. I can't live my life being miserable like this.

Its a weird situation. My lover is scared to leave his wife, because he thinnks I will still not leave my husband because of my kids and then he will be alone rest of the life. And I think the same way. I dont feel I really love my husband, I want to walk away from him. But I am scared that if I do it, my lover will be still with his wife and I will alone for rest of the life. I know we both are unhappy apart from each other, don't know what to do.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
I've got so many mixed emotions regarding your story.  It conjures up a difficult time from my past that I wish I never took part in.  I was so fortunate to come out on the other end where both my wife and I wanted to be, and for all of the right reasons.  (The children weren't the reason we worked it out.  Our marriage and the mutual love is why we tried.)

Adultery is built on lies and dishonesty.  Something that wasn't clear to me was, I was choosing to be a relationship with someone who was proven to be dishonest stray from someone who had only ever been honest with me.

Relationships are built on honesty and trust.  Having an "open relationship' with your husband drew a line in the sand and sooner or later someone was going to cross that line.  It was a contract, and you've broken the contract and by all accounts, you've done it with a person who has no problem lying to the person he should trust the most.... his wife.

I don't know how to offer you help in this situation.  "Staying together for the kids" is probably the worst move you can make.  Your husband said it was over and you've said there is no love.  You've mentioned fighting, and I can't see that getting any better if you hang around.  That means your kids get to witness more fights and more yelling.... is it worth it, or do you think it might be healthier to pick yourself up and call an end to a loveless marriage?

Your boyfriend doesn't trust you... he won't file for divorce.  I bet you feel the same as he does, that he won't divorce and then leave you hanging.  That's where the lying and dishonesty comes into play.  

I will say this.  You really need to take an inventory of what you have in life, what you expect in life and where you are in life.  You need to be brutally honest while doing this because your next step will be doing everything you need to find what it is that you expect out of life.
1616953 tn?1443835511
I don't think much of open relationships but affairs are the worst.  I guess the open part was an attempt to make it all ok?  

Do you feel any remorse?  

Affairs are an illusion.  If you did marry him I think reality would be a lot less exciting and the odds of your new husband stepping out on you would be 100%

You might want to check out BAN and read some of the stuff the originator wrote about her open relationship and why she started the group.  Its very similar to your experience and I think might help you decide what to do.   Good luck.
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