Aa
PTSD
Hi folks, has anyone here been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder pertaining to an affair, and does anyone have any guidleines or pointers to help me be more effective with helping her cope?
Thank you in advance.
Thank you in advance.
I understand how your friend feels. It's very hard to trust when someone repeatedly messes it up. Whether innocent or not, you can't even think of doing that after you've committed the act of infidelity.
I know the betrayer struggles too but like in the case of Brice and Joe they seem to be bending over backward to prove their love. I know Joe would jump of a building if I told him that is what it would take. But not all men are like that. My friend is in the same situation and is trying to work it out with her husband but even though we do not think he is currently cheating he seems to be addicted to female attention. He is very flirtatious. He is a sales rep so he says he has to be, but he tends to cross the line. He does not have to give out his personal cell # to these women he meets or works with. When he is confronted with it he blames his wife for not trusting him and driving him to cheat.This makes her very uneasy. She feels she can not trust him. She wants to but is not able to.
In response to your above post, we do have kids. Complicate that by a 42 mile one-way commute...every school day is a logistical nightmare, but we make it work. Weve been doing the commute thing for almost 8 years now. Then add the fact that we are in a very rural area, and in the event of an extracirricular event such as sports, we get to travel up to 210 miles for football games, basketball games and track events. (Dont get me wrong, we love supporting our kids in all of their extracirricular endeavors, but gosh dang!)
My wife is the best mother around! She has thrown herself into our kids lives, but still manages to let them have enough rope as to not be suffocated by her omni-presence. The only time I have felt completely left out is after the kids births. There was a disconnect there. (Its not the reason for the affair) I personally think that she was needed as a mommy and I was left to fend for myself for a while. Chances are, that was self imposed for the most part.... but it was there. She was trying to conquer the world for a time without my help, and me with no child rearing experience was helpless. She was trying to do it all, wouldnt ask for help or even give directions.....like we were both on different cruise control devices.
With that said, we are on the same page now and know that we cant change the past. We are learning to how deal with the past though, and are better equipped to deal with the present and make healthier decisions regarding the future. I so look forward to the rest of my life with my wife. I am truly a very lucky man!!!
My wife is the best mother around! She has thrown herself into our kids lives, but still manages to let them have enough rope as to not be suffocated by her omni-presence. The only time I have felt completely left out is after the kids births. There was a disconnect there. (Its not the reason for the affair) I personally think that she was needed as a mommy and I was left to fend for myself for a while. Chances are, that was self imposed for the most part.... but it was there. She was trying to conquer the world for a time without my help, and me with no child rearing experience was helpless. She was trying to do it all, wouldnt ask for help or even give directions.....like we were both on different cruise control devices.
With that said, we are on the same page now and know that we cant change the past. We are learning to how deal with the past though, and are better equipped to deal with the present and make healthier decisions regarding the future. I so look forward to the rest of my life with my wife. I am truly a very lucky man!!!
I'm sure he has his own personal struggles. I bet being blamed over and over can wear thin on someone. Not to mention that he now has to make sure I'm completely comfortable with everything. I know he hates having to ask permission to do things. But I try to tell him there are consequenses to what he did. He has told me before that he regrets losing out on precious time with his son and he will never get that back. It's been a really long and tough road.
Mami,
I dont know if this is any consolation, but your man is carrying a few crosses too. It's not what youre feeling, but I guarantee he is feeling it.
For us, its hard to completely understand what your feeling. I've tried to put myself in Dee Dee's shoes. i've had my heart broken before, so I kind of get it. But whats different this time is that I did the breaking, the vows, the promises, the lies..... I've always been my worst critic. I know I let the most important person down in my life, and I get to have that for the rest of my life. And regardless of what happens, I will carry that forever. I know its not the same, but I dont think it can be discredited.
I dont know if this is any consolation, but your man is carrying a few crosses too. It's not what youre feeling, but I guarantee he is feeling it.
For us, its hard to completely understand what your feeling. I've tried to put myself in Dee Dee's shoes. i've had my heart broken before, so I kind of get it. But whats different this time is that I did the breaking, the vows, the promises, the lies..... I've always been my worst critic. I know I let the most important person down in my life, and I get to have that for the rest of my life. And regardless of what happens, I will carry that forever. I know its not the same, but I dont think it can be discredited.
I feel the same way and felt even worse awhile back. I still do check the w hore's facebook just to see her profile pic changing. I guess to see how unattractive she is. I have not forgiven her but I've come to pity her instead. The desperation of these women is intense. How badly do you have to feel about yourself to put yourself in a position of having to be the other woman? Then to lose in the end, that's even worse. So they realize that they weren't special and that they wasted their time. I think it really is unfair and I know how you feel. My fiance is still with me, and although we argue and what he did still affects us to this day, he still has me, he still has his son, his family is still intact. She has clearly moved on, enjoying her life and living it up. Who knows if she has someone else by now. It just seems like I was left damaged. I was the one who was heartbroken, I was the one left with the knot in my stomach and always worrying about my relationship. We are the undeserving victims. But we allow ourselves to be that. I try not to see myself like that anymore. I have total control over my life. I can't control what he does but I can control my choices and what I decide to do. I know that it's his loss if he ever messes up again. He will have lost a good woman and his family. So the ball is in his court.
I think we have been raised in a society that has said it is ok for woman to be more independent and aggressive but still will not acknowledge that men also have feelings of rejection. I kind of know where Dee Dee is coming from though, it is still to fresh. Right now all she can see ( even though she is trying) is how you betrayed and hurt her. She feels like an innocent victim. I know I would get pi$$ed at Joe when he would say that he is hurting to and then to say just as much as I was seemed like a slap in the face. I see it now. I do not know if you have children or not but what she said about not going off to get her needs met is because as women we throw all we are into our families so even though there were times I felt neglected by Joe I was way to busy to look else where, and yes, I had the opportunity but I just think woman are wired differently. We can find fulfillment in our children. I can not judge Joe though b/c I was too in that situation. I do not know if you read my journal, but the difference is I walked away when I realized it was not a good thing. He played right into her hands but like I said men are different for the most part. Give her some time. I know Joe said he has to live every day with knowing he failed me, let me down and hurt me. I could not imagine feeling like that. I may be justified in my feelings but I need to consider his too. I try to compare it to failing one of my children. I do not know if I could carry that weight around.
You know in one of my sessions the doctor told me that Joe's attraction to this woman was like the little helicopters you see in the mall around the holidays ( at least around here) They are the dumbest things, I mean who would pay $50.00 for a remote helicopter that does not really profit anything, yet you see all the men circled around the demonstrator, they know they don't need it but for some odd reason they are attracted to it. I always tell Joe, Walk away. IT is a waste of time and money, yet he is mesmerized by it's flying in circles around him. Just like this woman. Just flirting and flitting all around him. He knew it was not right but got sucked into it.
I have forgiven Joe, that was not hard b/c he made it very easy by being willing to do whatever it takes and taking all I dished out to him. I realized it was a mistake, not a planned out affair. This may sound strange to you but I think I need to work on forgiving her. That is so hard to say, but I feel like she has control over me. I always think what does she have that I don't. I compare myself continually to her. Joe tells me there is nothing to compare with. But I think about her and check on her face book and such about once a week, while she has no thought of what she did to us. She has moved on to her next victim! ( Yes, another man who is in a relationship) But I am the one caught in this prison. I realized forgiveness is not really for the other person but for the one who has to power to forgive.
You know in one of my sessions the doctor told me that Joe's attraction to this woman was like the little helicopters you see in the mall around the holidays ( at least around here) They are the dumbest things, I mean who would pay $50.00 for a remote helicopter that does not really profit anything, yet you see all the men circled around the demonstrator, they know they don't need it but for some odd reason they are attracted to it. I always tell Joe, Walk away. IT is a waste of time and money, yet he is mesmerized by it's flying in circles around him. Just like this woman. Just flirting and flitting all around him. He knew it was not right but got sucked into it.
I have forgiven Joe, that was not hard b/c he made it very easy by being willing to do whatever it takes and taking all I dished out to him. I realized it was a mistake, not a planned out affair. This may sound strange to you but I think I need to work on forgiving her. That is so hard to say, but I feel like she has control over me. I always think what does she have that I don't. I compare myself continually to her. Joe tells me there is nothing to compare with. But I think about her and check on her face book and such about once a week, while she has no thought of what she did to us. She has moved on to her next victim! ( Yes, another man who is in a relationship) But I am the one caught in this prison. I realized forgiveness is not really for the other person but for the one who has to power to forgive.
Im glad Joe caught on and sees her for what she is. I see it now, and your analogy of greener grass on the toehr side came up in a therapy session a week or so back. It sounds kind of "sissy" for a man to say he has emotional needs too, but I think we do. When trying to explain this to Dee Dee, she kind of made light of it and rubbed it in my face saying she has needs, but didnt go elsewhere to get them met.
Dee Dee often admits that she knows I have issues, but then will later put them off as invalid if she is angry. That kind of *****.
I too got diagnosed with PTSD and when I told her that, she almost looked as if she was going to puke. I handle it differently though, and drag everything in and hold it there until I go nuts.... not healthy, but I'll learn the tools to deal with it.
Dee Dee often admits that she knows I have issues, but then will later put them off as invalid if she is angry. That kind of *****.
I too got diagnosed with PTSD and when I told her that, she almost looked as if she was going to puke. I handle it differently though, and drag everything in and hold it there until I go nuts.... not healthy, but I'll learn the tools to deal with it.
You are not as a$$, you may have been snared for a bit but your morals got the best of you. Thank God. The grass always looks greener on the other side but when we get over there we realize it is just concrete painted green. Joe now sees the other woman for who is really is but could not see it then. And it helped me realize that more then just physical needs but men have emotional needs too that need to be met and we need to be more sensitive to meeting them just as society has told the men to do and be for the woman the same applies. Because if the need is not met anyone will seek else where, be it in a relationship, drugs, drinking or any kind of addiction. I agree with what you said to mami about being older and maturity. We to are in our early 40's, I think there comes a maturity along with that in men.
Don't feel like a jack a$$, we are all human and make mistakes. I believe we all have the capability of making that type of mistake. It's what we learn from it that counts. It is never a real relationship, that's why so many relationships that begin that way don't last because the people realize it was all a farce.
It is kind of a trap. My therapist told me something that made a lot of sense, pertaining to the "perfect match". In my case, I was in a very committed relationship. Apparently something was lacking. Here comes this girl who is consoling, caring, ambitious...everything! The fact of the matter is, she didnt exist. She had based herself all on lies.
It is a trap and I fell for it. I feel even more like a jack *** now.
It is a trap and I fell for it. I feel even more like a jack *** now.
You just fell for the trap. Everyone wants to believe that there is someone who will bend over backwards and forwards for us. They especially know what to say and how to act when they sense vulnerability in the person. This woman knew when to dig her claws in. In my case we were having a lot of fights. Our sex life wasn't as frequent as he would've liked, he was scared of the life changing commitment about to take place. They started off as friends. Him telling her about our issues, her pretending to care. That was all she needed to do. She was reaching 40, she was still single, no kids. It was desperation time and this good looking guy with a nice body is flirting. She thought aw heck who care if he isn't available, I want what I want. Pretty damn selfish but these women are missing morals and values.
Oh my gosh! How can all of our situations be so similar? Love, the other woman did to me exactly what the other woman did to your man. Told me I was under-appreciated, that she'd always be appreciative, have dinner on, house cleaned.....in reality, it wasnt gonna happen. We all have friggin lives! She couldnt hold up her end of things with 20 hands!!!!
Unbelievable..... and they are dilusional. totally delusional. I hope the other woman in my case's marriage was the nightmare she claimed it was, and I hope to high hell that she gets to endure all of the hard times my wife and I have endured....vindictive, I know, but damn. Im not placing blame, cuase I went and did it, but for hells sake....
Unbelievable..... and they are dilusional. totally delusional. I hope the other woman in my case's marriage was the nightmare she claimed it was, and I hope to high hell that she gets to endure all of the hard times my wife and I have endured....vindictive, I know, but damn. Im not placing blame, cuase I went and did it, but for hells sake....
That's what the s kank did in our situation too. She used her failing relationship as a ploy to get my husband to talk to her. ( asking for advice) in turn he would share things with her ( finances, trouble with the kids, stress) then she would tell him all the things he wanted to hear like how he was a good dad and we did not appreciate the effort he made and if she were his wife she would attend all his baseball games and such ( not like I wasn't running four of my own kids and an extra one around to soccer and baseball). But one day it will all come back to bite them in the a$$.
They are true manipulators. I mean you can't really give these women much credit. What kind of woman goes after a taken man? Not a quality woman. My fiancé had said that she wasn't the type of woman he would ever be with for many reasons. She thought totally different. These women are delusional.
Ouch! Kind of a bad way to find things out....as if there is a better way. I guess the truth right out of the box might have been better, but in my case, I didnt want to hurt Dee Dee's feelings..... that sounds so damned stupid now!!!
Truth be told, I probably did blab too much about personal stuff, like finances and the likes, and it came back to bite me in the *** big time. Secondly, my personal finances are something I dont discuss with anyone other than my wife, so Ive got no clue as to how the other woman got it out of me.....I mentioned that because we are on this plan to get us out of debt, we'd be free of debt minus the mortgage in 2 years, and this ***** started using it as our time line of being together. In a conversation with Dee Dee, she told her she knew of the debt and that we'd be out from under it in 2 years, and thats when she and I were going to be together. (That conversation never happened between the other woman and I....thats the kind of manipulation I was up against, and Dee Dee bought it all, hook line and sinker) There were future plans of getting together, but the 2 year time line was NEVER discussed.
About writing the ***** thyat was involved on your end, really....it doesnt matter. It would be nice to get a ton of stuff off of your chest, but really it doesnt accomplish much. I still kind of want to tell the other woman on my ends husband about this. I think about it at least once a week, and its the only time I allow myself to think of her. Theres no merit in it though. Dude is stuck with that nightmare, I am away from it and back where I belong, working to make ours a stronger relationship.
Stay strong!
Truth be told, I probably did blab too much about personal stuff, like finances and the likes, and it came back to bite me in the *** big time. Secondly, my personal finances are something I dont discuss with anyone other than my wife, so Ive got no clue as to how the other woman got it out of me.....I mentioned that because we are on this plan to get us out of debt, we'd be free of debt minus the mortgage in 2 years, and this ***** started using it as our time line of being together. In a conversation with Dee Dee, she told her she knew of the debt and that we'd be out from under it in 2 years, and thats when she and I were going to be together. (That conversation never happened between the other woman and I....thats the kind of manipulation I was up against, and Dee Dee bought it all, hook line and sinker) There were future plans of getting together, but the 2 year time line was NEVER discussed.
About writing the ***** thyat was involved on your end, really....it doesnt matter. It would be nice to get a ton of stuff off of your chest, but really it doesnt accomplish much. I still kind of want to tell the other woman on my ends husband about this. I think about it at least once a week, and its the only time I allow myself to think of her. Theres no merit in it though. Dude is stuck with that nightmare, I am away from it and back where I belong, working to make ours a stronger relationship.
Stay strong!
Well when I caught my fiance, he had gotten arrested because of a suspended license and had given my mother his cell phone. That's how I discovered the affair but I had suspected it for a long time. Anyway, when I confronted this b!tch she told me that he had called her and told her he was locked up. I felt so betrayed, how could you tell her that? She wasn't the one you need to be talking to, I was. I'm your wife technically. You live with me, you share a child with me. I'm the only one who should know your business. So it did make me believe that he had made her more important. I told him the simplist conversations make her feel special. She really did think that he was her man. He had been flirting with other girls to and when I told her that she wasn't the only one, she was upset and felt like I owed it to her to tell her who the person was. I told her I owed her nothing, she f-cked with my family and now she's heartbroken to. She said and I quote "woman to woman will you tell me her name"....as if she is a woman. Ugh, to this day I still want to write this b!tch the nastiest letter but it's been 2 years...there is no point.
That is exactly what the other woman was doing to Dee Dee and I, and she led Dee Dee to believe that she really knew me. Fact of the matter was, she knew very little but she was building this fantasy guy that would agree with everything and be there for her always...like I was doing with her. It wasnt until I got to the edge and looked into the fire so to speak that I realized she was a fraud, the relationship was all based on lies, and it wasnt worth it....it wasnt worth it anyhow, frankly.
She made no hesitation with her correspondance with Dee Dee to tell her that our "relationship was more than a friendship, and she wouldnt keep that secret from anyone". Although she knew some things about me and my family, she was recollecting the past from some 25 years ago and reliving that. I am a far different man now than 25 years ago. She also manipulated our past into being something more than it really was. A lot of the things she told me about the past, I do not recall. And if they were that wonderful, you'd think I'd recall some of it. Nonetheless, I bought it.
All this girl knew was what I told her and I didnt come close to telling her everything. Some manipulative people are very bright, and have done things like this before. It was like how a pervert grooms a child...... she held the relationship over my head withb the threat of exposing it...so I had to play by her rules. (My fault for getting in it, I know)
But there came a point where it was getting to be too much, and by then Dee Dee was on to everything. Dee Dee began correspondance with this woman, and was exposing some of the lies she told in the beginning. Further into their correspondance she uncovered some of the truths I did tell, but this girl put a twist on them leading Dee Dee to think she actually knew more, but wouldnt divulge that information because it "would hurt Brice". Fact of the matter was, she knew nothing more and was using this as a tool to be in Dee Dee's head all the time.
This is a horrible thing for anyone to have to go through. I guarantee that I will not do this again. The hurt and pain is too much to witness, and its real hard to try to console the one whom you did this too.
I heard a quote yesterday in therapy that was kind of interesting, and it fits into all of this somewhere for all of us involved with stuff like this. "Lying is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die".
Keep in touch mami, and if there is anything I can tell you about my side of things that you can maybe apply to your relationship, just get ahold of me here. I'd be happy to help with what I was thinking, and if its applicable to your relationship....good!
She made no hesitation with her correspondance with Dee Dee to tell her that our "relationship was more than a friendship, and she wouldnt keep that secret from anyone". Although she knew some things about me and my family, she was recollecting the past from some 25 years ago and reliving that. I am a far different man now than 25 years ago. She also manipulated our past into being something more than it really was. A lot of the things she told me about the past, I do not recall. And if they were that wonderful, you'd think I'd recall some of it. Nonetheless, I bought it.
All this girl knew was what I told her and I didnt come close to telling her everything. Some manipulative people are very bright, and have done things like this before. It was like how a pervert grooms a child...... she held the relationship over my head withb the threat of exposing it...so I had to play by her rules. (My fault for getting in it, I know)
But there came a point where it was getting to be too much, and by then Dee Dee was on to everything. Dee Dee began correspondance with this woman, and was exposing some of the lies she told in the beginning. Further into their correspondance she uncovered some of the truths I did tell, but this girl put a twist on them leading Dee Dee to think she actually knew more, but wouldnt divulge that information because it "would hurt Brice". Fact of the matter was, she knew nothing more and was using this as a tool to be in Dee Dee's head all the time.
This is a horrible thing for anyone to have to go through. I guarantee that I will not do this again. The hurt and pain is too much to witness, and its real hard to try to console the one whom you did this too.
I heard a quote yesterday in therapy that was kind of interesting, and it fits into all of this somewhere for all of us involved with stuff like this. "Lying is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die".
Keep in touch mami, and if there is anything I can tell you about my side of things that you can maybe apply to your relationship, just get ahold of me here. I'd be happy to help with what I was thinking, and if its applicable to your relationship....good!
You can go through it, it's ok. Maybe it will help me to hear your side of things so I can better understand maybe my fiance's thought process or what these women are thinking. When I confronted her she acted like she knew so much about us, about me, about our life together. That she was somewhat well acquainted with him to boost herself as more important and me less. She didn't know anything about him other than what he told her but that's not really knowing. I mean, she didn't know his friends, his family, his children, nothing. How can you think you know someone when you are not part of their life? So that really angered me. You don't know him because you only got to know the carefree guy, the one with no responsibilities, it was not a real relationship. Her arrogance really ticked me off.
I think Dee Dee was thinking the same thing about making "her feel so special". And honestly, I was diverting some of the attention that would have been spent on her to the other woman, but it wasnt like I was treating the other woman better than Dee Dee. I think thats part of the processing of an affair, and probably not knowing the whole truth perhaps.....? I dont know, just thinking out loud there.
The other girl was portraying herself as the girlfriend too....but since its not the best thing to talk about concerning you, I am not going any further with it....
Theres just so much stuff I am uncovering in therapy.....sheesh! Dee Dee too, that it takes a while to process some of that, you know? Im kind of a mess like a soup sandwich, but were getting it all figured out!
The other girl was portraying herself as the girlfriend too....but since its not the best thing to talk about concerning you, I am not going any further with it....
Theres just so much stuff I am uncovering in therapy.....sheesh! Dee Dee too, that it takes a while to process some of that, you know? Im kind of a mess like a soup sandwich, but were getting it all figured out!
I think my fiance's affair was really too long to go through the entire truths. The only thing that he told me was that he didn't treat her all that great. Which I had thought that he was treating her better than he was treating me. But he said that she would get angry because he didn't care. Which I kind of see him being that way since that's how he was with me in the beginning. But I just had warped my mind to think that he was making her feel so special. She acted like they were boyfriend and girlfriend. What a weird thought process she had. I mean, he's not yours, he was never yours. I don't even like talking about it because it brings back all the anger.
I'm glad things are working out for you and Dee Dee, Brice.
I'm glad things are working out for you and Dee Dee, Brice.
Thanks for the acknowledgement lovemykids. I totally understand being afraid of the truth and wanting to put your own truth in. In our case, Dee Dee's truth was often an embellished version of the truth that skewed some of the other facts. Then when we'd go over the story again, the skewed version of the truth would lead to a misinterpretation of the other facts and the story ended up more cloudy than it was in the beginning.
I totally understand that what I did was the worst possible thing that I ever could have done to our relationship, and I want so much to be able to take it back. But jumbling the facts made the story out to be worse really....if thats even possible. (But thats my cross to bear) Jumbling the facts made some of the simplest aspects of the affair seem far more complicated that it was, and that made coping with the true facts even more difficult.
My wife is the smartest, most loving/caring individual in the world and I am truly a lucky man to have been given the opportunity to rebuild our relationship. We've made great strides in therapy, but skewing the facts were making it harder for her to begin to try to trust herself again. I know that it will take some time, maybe even a lot of time to rebuild that trust.... but I am willing to wait and help where needed. I'm not too for sure if we should be concentrating on rebuilding the trust in herself or in the trusting of me, or if we can do it simultaneously. I know that she'll be a different woman, but she is still the girl I fell in love with 20 years ago and I am dedicated to her, her health, and our relationship.
Thanks again ladies for your help through this. All of you are an inspiration!!!
I totally understand that what I did was the worst possible thing that I ever could have done to our relationship, and I want so much to be able to take it back. But jumbling the facts made the story out to be worse really....if thats even possible. (But thats my cross to bear) Jumbling the facts made some of the simplest aspects of the affair seem far more complicated that it was, and that made coping with the true facts even more difficult.
My wife is the smartest, most loving/caring individual in the world and I am truly a lucky man to have been given the opportunity to rebuild our relationship. We've made great strides in therapy, but skewing the facts were making it harder for her to begin to try to trust herself again. I know that it will take some time, maybe even a lot of time to rebuild that trust.... but I am willing to wait and help where needed. I'm not too for sure if we should be concentrating on rebuilding the trust in herself or in the trusting of me, or if we can do it simultaneously. I know that she'll be a different woman, but she is still the girl I fell in love with 20 years ago and I am dedicated to her, her health, and our relationship.
Thanks again ladies for your help through this. All of you are an inspiration!!!
I wish Joe and I would have done that right away because Brice is right, when we add our version of the truth in an not really know The truth it tends to make things worse! But I was also afraid of the truth at times but you can not heal without it.
I found that telling the truth wasnt that difficult, but telling it in a fashion that made sense and that didnt hurt Dee Dee's feelings was impossible. I couldnt have it both ways.
For me, it was almost impossible to make the truth to have any sense at all. It all sounded cheap and manufactured......I didnt think that some of it was necessary to work through this. AS it turns out, the time line and what I was thinking and doing at certain times of the affair were important because it let her know exactly where I was in my mind. "How close was I to leaving?" "When did you know that it was a mistake?" "When did you know that you were falling in love with this person?" "When did you know that you didnt want out of our marriage?" All of those questions were tough to answer. And getting them in order made some sense.
Dee Dee was trying to put them in order, but was doing so with much speculation and was adding her truths which were further complicating matters. There did come a point that I told her that I was telling the truth, (and I was) but told her to plug her own truths in and just believe that.....really counter productive!
Getting the truth out, getting it in order, and letting her know what I was feeling at certain times proved to be the biggest help of all. It allowed a bit of peace for her, and it was the whole truth.
For me, it was almost impossible to make the truth to have any sense at all. It all sounded cheap and manufactured......I didnt think that some of it was necessary to work through this. AS it turns out, the time line and what I was thinking and doing at certain times of the affair were important because it let her know exactly where I was in my mind. "How close was I to leaving?" "When did you know that it was a mistake?" "When did you know that you were falling in love with this person?" "When did you know that you didnt want out of our marriage?" All of those questions were tough to answer. And getting them in order made some sense.
Dee Dee was trying to put them in order, but was doing so with much speculation and was adding her truths which were further complicating matters. There did come a point that I told her that I was telling the truth, (and I was) but told her to plug her own truths in and just believe that.....really counter productive!
Getting the truth out, getting it in order, and letting her know what I was feeling at certain times proved to be the biggest help of all. It allowed a bit of peace for her, and it was the whole truth.
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STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
