Since i was a victum of infidelity,,what are your honest thoughts of the person who engage into haveing an affair knowing,,the person who they are doing it with is attached,,and some do have family,,And they no,,How are your thoughts of them persueing the husband makeing excuses to call knowing they have a family,,etc,,But yet when its discoverded by there doing or other doing,,there are some cases ultimatums harrasment towards the wife the inocent,,,reaaly would like opinions thanks
Yes after the police obtained phone records,,spoke to my work and interviewed some people they pressed the charges,,i called them cause i just wanted her to stop every thing and especialy my work were it got bad,,I wanted to not be harrassed by her,,But never gave her the satisfaction of talk to her or communicate in any way with her,,i had no choice to make a complaint to the athorities,,my work was my kids food,,When i found out we were behind mortgage i never new,,the lake of money i notice always was a excuse from my husband i believed,,i lost everything and him worked for for 20 years,,i mean everything,,,,and yes you are right an evil woman,,to take it out on me and kids,,I mean what did i do to her?She was out to destroy me ,an inocent person,,And yes she was a friends friend,,so she new all about me and my family threw our friend,,Also all the money that was missing was paying her rent there dinners groceries at her house and car payments of hers,,,most of it was confirmed,,,looking back when i missed the sighns i see so much clearly,,i can say oh ya i remmember this and that,,,the secret cell he kept viagra he started useing,,it goes on and on,,it discusts me,,today like the first,,And to think he slept with both of us dureing his affair,,THAT DISCUSTS ME,,thank you ttinkkerbbell for your good opinions i truly no you understand me
I do understand your EXTREME difficulty, lorraine, I truely do!! I would NEVER make light of ANYONE's anguish (etc) when there has been infidelity but Your experience is even more SEVERE than most infidelities (as was mine - maybe that's why I see a difference between "theirs" and "ours") There IS a difference when You are stalked and abused by the other woman and there IS a difference when the cheating NEVER stops and You endure the horrendous injustices for years and years. My story is incredibly hurtful and incredibly long. I could write a book and it would be perceived as a novel cuz people would have a hard time believing the reality of what REALLY went on in my marriage for 15 years!!
Maybe it's because of these extremes that We, (You and I) are not able to go where Others have gone.
I too, have heard People say it has made Their Marriage stronger but I think We deceive OurSelves and We believe what We want to believe. Nothing wrong with that but I think there is denial in all things and We do what We have to do to survive whatever Our tragedies are. One thing I know is true - infidelity changes things Forever and from there on out there will Forever be Trust and Faith issues. So even when the Marriage "survives" there is always a major tradeoff that never goes away. This I know is true.
My honest thoughts are that I can't stand her. I think she was a disgusting, selfish person for contributing in destroying my family. I know he's the one who was involved with me and it's his responsibility to stay true to our family but she sure as heck didn't help. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew what our issues were, she promised him she would be better for him. She would do the things I wasn't able to do to make him think that our relationship was garbage next to what it could be with her. These women are very smart and cunning. It takes a real manipulative person to get involved with a person who isn't available. I don't care if she loved him. She didn't care how I felt, she didn't care about the child I was carrying. I blame them both but since you asked how I feel about the other woman, well that's my honest answer.
I honestly no where your comeing from,,to be honest,,She isnt the blame,,yes i agree with you tottaly,,but Reality she had no power until,,HE GAVE IT TO HER,,she did not care about you,,Why should she???? she did not commit to you,,Honest it was all him,,NO HE CAN SAY, TO HER ,,IM SORRY IM COMMITTED,,,,That would have been the right thing,,The cheaters are responsible for letting themself get involved ,,Its not you or her,,Its all about the cheater,,YOU CANT TAKE A MAN WHO DOES NOT WHANT TO BE TAKEN,,NO MATTER WHAT?i WHENT THREW HELL,,did i blame her,,NO I blame him he created this,,he brought this to my life,,And for her,,she is not my problem,,But yes we all no what kind of selfish people,,home wreckers,,self esteem issues ,,etc etc they are,,STRAIGHT THERE NOT ARE PROBLEM,,trust me i know how you feel ,,i feel the same way for real,,But reality ,,He is the full blame for my pain,,He made the choice
I guess I'm just in a point in my life where I'm somewhat over the constant anger of it all. I went through it all and yes, my life is different. Our relationship is different. I do sometimes get sad about how the trust was affected and annoyed that I still have my doubts but I really am over her and over the affair. She's a non-issue in our lives. She's moved away to another state. She's still looking for her "Mr. Right", but she was never really a factor. If it wasn't her it would've been someone else. Do I still have ill feelings towards her, um yeah, do I think about her constantly, nope. When asked about her I will of course have my resentment but I'm human. Yes, he was a jerk for what he did to me and what he did to our relationship. But we've moved past it and we try our hardest to focus on eachother.
We all no things take a big change after infidelity,,let me tell you its hard work to move forward,,the trust is shaterred feelings of all kinds are all over the place,i do have resentment towards her but cause of her morals,,i am not a cheater i will never be,,because i respect myself and others,,i was harrassed and spent a year in court cause she harrassed me????Me the inocent,,BUT HIS CHOICE,,brought this in my life,,caused the heart ache ,pain and every thing that comes with it,,if not her some one else??moveing past???for me no,its there in my thoughts every single day ,Like the first,,I will never look at him the same way ever again,,BRINGS ME BACK TO WHEN I GOT READY FOR WORK AND HAVEING THAT MORNING COFFEE TOGETHER,,AND A KISS GOODBYE,,then he ran to her house and did the nasty
When there is infidelity We ALL hurt just as Great, just as Deep and in the same Place as all others. BUT Your case (and mine as well) was more EXTREME and went BEYOND what many of our Friends here have experienced. In Your case the other woman did not go away. She STALKED You, ABUSED You, and TORTURED You and she INCLUDED Your Family and Your WorkPlace. Your Husbands affair with her also cost You FINANCIALLY in a Major way!! All this DOES make Your experience even harder/worse even DIFFERENT than most!!
Among my husbands MANY affairs there were two with each of my two Brothers wives. Worse case scenario for me too!! These women did not/have not gone away!! To this day, they are STILL my Brother's WIVES, my Parents Daughters-in-law, my ChilDren's Aunts. I still have to see them and I feel like they have been shoved down my throat but I must be kind and polite for the sake of others. My husband is long gone but I still deal with these two. SO - You wanna talk about the other woman? I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS. These 2 women are loved by Family Members who I love with all my Heart. This has been very difficult for me. Husband is long gone but he left me with these two.
Many ladies here have moved on because they could. I don't say that lightly because yes, they've all suffered Hugely and they've all Sacrificed something in order to "move on" but most of them don't have the other women IN THEIR FACE for YEARS and most of them were not tortured and stalked by the other woman as You've been.
lor, I also identify with Your morning coffee and goodbye kiss routine. The realization of the BLATANT dishonesty a cheating husband is able to display to his wife!! I had much difficulty with the "dishonesty" he could show to my face while he was cheating. I would be horrified to learn my husband could be out all night (he worked nights so he had great opportunies for his cheating) with another woman, come home and kiss me hello in the bright sunshiney light of day and act as though nothing had happened. This knowledge horrified me beyond words - it made me feel I did not know this man at all, that he was a stranger and that scared me - among all the other emotions involved I truely was frightened to realize I didn't really know this man I was married to and had children with. I suffered this time and again for years
Also,would like to add he did not use protection,,which even displays more selfish,not only did he make the choice to go along and have an affair,,He also made A CHOICE TO MY HEALTH,,This also makes me have no control over my own well being,I FIND IT HURTS ALSO IN THAT ASPECT,Also sleeping with two people at the same time discust me,,Why do men and misstress feel they do not need to use protection?????????????ARE THEY DR NOW,,they look at eachother and say,,Hey i just did blood work and xray on you and were both good to go????Its also funny that a misstress knows she is with a married man who he lies to his wife and family,,and you go along with it and you trust him???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
One, and ONLY one, of the reasons You are having such difficulty "moving on" is because of Your OWN, very VERY Strong Conviction of Right and Wrong. You cannot concieve that Your HUSBAND would put You in such jeopardy: Your Love, Faith, Health, Future, Financial Well-Being, etc., etc. You are not to be criticized in any way for not being able to "settle" the injustices of all this in Your Mind/Heart. It would be a more "comfortable" place for You to "accept" what has happened - but some people are simply unable to "go there". It's not just a matter of what one "person" did to another but when it's Your HUSBAND it becomes something different.
Several of us talked many months ago about how many call infidelity a mistake. As I remember You and I both refused to call it a "mistake" - this is another (of many) reasons I think You have difficulty "accepting" this. EVERYONE knows infidelity is WRONG. You can't do something INTENTIONALLY and then call it a "mistake" - It's not a "mistake" when You KNOW it's wrong!! When You INTEND to do it. An affair takes MUCH planning, lying, hiding, cheating and a whole one whole h&ll of a lot of INTENT. I still say that is NOT a mistake, it is an INTENSION. You don't pick up a gun, rob a bank and say "Oh.... I made a mistake" - no, YOU DID SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG!! AND YOU PLANNED IT!! and there are some of us who can't COMPROMISE our own Convictions, Morals and Standards to call this a "mistake".
That being said, I think it's "easier" for those who do manage to Compromise their own Values to "save" their marriage. (I'm not saying it's easy for others, I'm saying EASIER) I truely think it's harder for You because You have made the decision to stay in Your marriage but You still suffer - You are unable to stuff Your Feelings/Convictions/Values and call this something it's not and this causes You great pain
It is what it is and You will never, ever change it but My hope is that with time You will find more peace for YourSelf.
I agree that it's an internal battle with your emotions. I don't think staying with the father of my child compromised my own values, I feel that I deserved to see if there was something still there that could be saved. I do believe if you still feel that way after so much time, perhaps getting out of the marriage would be the answer. I know I couldn't live everyday feeling that angry and that unhappy.
But at the same time we could say if are husbands cheat ,,Why dont they get out of the marriage instead of cheating???Why do they stay ???getting out of the marriage would be better than being so selfish the only choice they make is for there own selfish self,,Also agree we the inocent compromise are values for many reasons,,,The ones who claim to move forward and say,,the affair was THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME???REALLY??? so all is nice and forgoten and life goes on?and down the road you never get in an arguement and say something about it in anger,,they come home late act susspicios and it never runs threw your mind??im just asking?Its true i stayed for my own reasons?angry??i dont think so,,im hurt that someone i shared a life with and built a family with could display such disrespect towards me and are children,,IM THE BETTER PERSON,,its disapointing and since i feel THAT CHEATING IS WRONG,,ITS ALSO A SELFISH COWARD WAY OUT OF A MARRIAGE...Idont think sleeping with your misstress then sleeping with your wife to,,is moraly humane,,its discusting,,where are are choices for that?what about when your faithfull and the cheater decides NOT TO USE PROTECTION?for a woman he just met,,something we do not have a say,,once again,,sad really
Lor I'm not saying that our relationship is better than ever, it's just different. Of course there are moments of doubt and suspicion and it ***** but I refuse to live my life in misery. I can't control what my husband did when he did it. I don't make excuses for him either, my point is I can't imagine spending my life with him in such turmoil. Yes, it was his fault, yes, he should've made better decisions, yes you have every right to feel the way you feel. But how happy are you? Staying in a marriage with someone and being sad and angry all the time is no way to live. Sure they could've gotten out of the marriage or relationship before doing it, but they didn't. How does thinking that way change what's going on right now? Everyone has a right to feel how they want to feel based on their experience. I chose to stay and I'm not going to stay and be unhappy. I'm going to stay and try to enjoy what we have now. Does that make sense?
Having been the cheater, I know that there is nothing that I can say or do at this point that would make the infidelity acceptable or excusable. It was dishonest, disgusting, unfaithful, demeaning, deceitful, ugly, mean, hurtful, selfish, disrespectful, hurtful, crippling, and the list goes on.
Having listened to the pain and suffering I imposed upon my wife is almost unbearable to listen to. Listening to the stories from all of the above are almost as unbearable. Even to me, the cheater... I sit and wonder what kind of a person does this type of thing. Then it dawns on me... you! You are the type of person that does this.
Nothing warrants infidelity. Nothing excuses infidelity. Nothing makes infidelity excusable. Never in a million years will what I did be okay, nor will it be okay with what any of you have been through.
I was the dirty, disgusting, dog mentioned above. I did everything listed in lor662's last post. I am/was what I hated most. I self perpetuated what I despise. And I am not here to toot my own horn and say "look at me, I am a changed man". I am here to say that I changed my wife, my family, and my marriage without anyone else's input. There is nothing more selfish..... nothing.
I have learned so much since this horrible act. My wife has too, and I wish we could have learned these lessons together without the bull $hit I put us all through. I've learned a lot about acceptance and forgiveness, and I learned that it takes a lot of effort to forgive. I learned that some people are not able to forgive, and I accept that.
I just hope that everyone on this board, if they have not found peace yet, does find some level of peace. You're all worth allowing yourself to heal from this.
After the infidelity,,did you ever look at him the same way?did you feel the same way about him?Are you hurt with haveing no control of haveing no choice to deal with now?Im so glad for every one who can move forward this way im honest to say,,But he bancrupt us,,are house we saved for four years,,the sports cars,,being financialy stable for once with a family,,ALL GONE FOR AFFAIR,,i feel stupid i did not pay attention more about it all,,i feel not only did are family break,,are finances ,,and harassement from his misstress,,then everything else to add on it,,Maybe his affair was more extreme than some,,and thats why it hurts me so much and i have a hard time to get there,,He tells me he loves me everyday,,when he says that,,in my head i say,,YA YOU SHOULD OF THOUGHT OF THAT WHEN YOU TOOKE ALL ARE MONEY AND DROVE AROUND IN THAT BRAND NEW SPORTS CAR IT TOOK US YEARS TO FINALLY GET SO YOU COULD GO BANG YOUR MISSTESS,,like i said mastered the silence of my anger,,i dont argue with him,,i dont throw it in his face,,but its all there like the first day
Right after the infidelity no I didn't look at him in the same way. I don't think anyone would. It's been 3 years and now when I look at him I see the man I fell in love with. Let me give you an example. This Saturday I had to euthanize our dog. I was heartbroken. He had a body building competition later that night. I didn't tell him to stay home with me and I was a bit upset that he was going but I didn't say one word. He left for the show, I cried when he hugged me but he still walked out. About half hour he came back home with a huge bouquet of roses and flowers, candles and a bottle of wine. He told me he couldn't leave me like that. The show was not that important. It's things like that, that allow me to know that I made the right choice for me and for my family. Am I hurt for what he did in the past? Yes. However, I don't want it to affect what we have going now. I totally understand your pain and I get where you are coming from. For myself, I just would rather start over again without my husband if I still felt resentment and anger. We all choose our own paths and it's not my place to tell you how to handle your pain or what you should do with your marriage. I just wish you peace and had hoped things would be better for you.
I too, appreciate Your words, Brice, and I'm deeply impressed by Your remorse AND Your expression of it!! I will always be a little mad at You for what You did - but I GREATLY admire the work You have done/are doing to repair YourSelf as well as Your marriage. I would SO wish that no one would EVER betray a Marriage, a Vow - but if they DID, if they HAD to, my Wish would be for them to do what You have done to try to set things right again.
I don't want to say this but I will: I know this has been hard for You too, and I'm sorry that You still hurt,too (I hope You understand that I can't believe I said that!! but I AM sincere!!)
(BUT I'm still sorry-ER for DeeDee - I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF ON THAT ONE!! - I just HAD to say it - but please understand - I DO admire You and I appreciate getting to know what has come down here and all that You are willing to do to set things straight again with Your wife!!
I like the way lor663 put it and I agree You DEFINITELY "man up"!!
Regards, and Hope and Well Wishes to You and DeeDee
I still insist: It's HARDER for You and Others (me) when the "other" woman REMAINS in the picture!! You maybe, coulda, sorta, gone on with a "future" had "she" not STILL been there for SO long, STILL affecting Your Life on a DAILY - DAY TO DAY basis!! SURE!! it's somewhat "easier" to decide I "don't want this to affect my future" when it is no longer affecting your future. BUT, it's totally different when it IS still affecting Your future!!. Most people here don't have the Long, On-Going situations that You and I have had to contend with!! They still know and understand how hard "theirs" has been but I still contend: YOUR SITUATION IS DIFFERENT THAN OTHERS BECAUSE YOU WERE HARRASSED BY THIS WOMAN FOR AT LEAST A YEAR!!. SHE CONTACTED YOUR CHILDREN!! - SHE MADE YOUR CHILDREN AWARE OF WHAT THEIR FATHER HAD DONE!! SHE CONTACTED YOUR PLACE OF WORK!! SHE DID NOT GO AWAY!! ( I have to include mine as well was Different, even MORE difficult!!)
Lorraine - I CONTEND (even if others do not) that Your situation IS different!! worse than the "normal", "conventional" cheat.!! If You are still having difficulty resolving this: I WANT TO GO DOWN AS YOUR #ONE SUPPORTER!! I truely feel it is insensitive not to realize that maybe some situations TRUELY are WORSE, even MORE horrendous than others!!
I don't think You should leave until, if and when, YOU have decided that is Your only alternative BUT if You DO decide to stay - I want to be counted as one who TOTALLY understands that Your situation IS more difficult (EVEN more hurtful) than most of the ones here!! I would expect anyone who has been through this would be able to see that some ARE "worse case scenarios". That some betrayals DO go a further distance than others and MAYBE, just maybe, "they" could not have "survived" the greater injustices than what They perceive Theirs to be. There ARE greater (worse) ones!!
Tinkerbell my husband had a long term affair and the other woman didn't just step out of the picture just like that. I am not discounting what Lor has been through, all I'm saying is that to spend your life being unhappy, in an unhappy marriage and constantly feeling sad, angry hurt and depressed, why not change your life and make it better? Aren't you happy in your new life, with your husband? Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy? Why stay in a situation in which you are settling and pretending? Sometimes we need to take control of our lives and make a change for the better. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not telling her what to do but I know if I was still in this place with my husband and couldn't move past the hurt with him, then I would do it without him. There is so much life that is being missed out on here. I don't understand how what I'm saying is so terrible and why you are twisting it to make it seem like I'm diminishing her situation. If you can't recover from the infidelity and rebuild your relationship then maybe think about other options. That's my point.
Please, Mami. PLEASE understand that because I feel like I "understand and relate to" lor, because I feel a certain relationship to Her DOES NOT mean that I don't Understand the Pain of others. I DO!! I REALLY, REALLY DO!! In fact, I feel YOUR situation is "worse", "harder" than many too - in the sense that it went on for a year and a half!! and during Your Pregancy too!! I think YOUR Situation was a LOT!! harder than many others and I DO admire You for being able to make the Choices You made - Your ability to carry on BUT - I understand lor's situation too - I have HUGE empathy for SomeOne who STILL has HUMONGOUS PAIN but in spite of that feels She has to remain in Her marriage. It is NOT that easy to decide to leave EVEN amidst all the pain!! - IT IS NOT!! IT IS NOT!! If it was "EASY" to leave, I myself would not have endured 15 YEARS!! of cheating. and I simply don't want Her to feel She is not understood by others because while She is unhappy She still remains with Her Husband and Her family. Please remember, I stayed in a horrible, cheating marriage for 15 years while in very DEEP pain, and while maybe I shouldn't have stayed, I simply saw no way out of my situation!! and I'm thinking lor may not see a way out of Hers right now either. I'm only trying to support Her in what is going on with HER right now. She may one day decide She can no longer live with this (as I finally did) - and She may not - but I UNDERSTAND!! - either way!! - and I in NO way mean my words to Her to mean that I am critical of what others have been through. PLEASE, understand that much!! I mean NO judgement toward others!! I'm glad for You, mami, that You have resolved this and that Your life is Good!! I mean that from the bottom of my heart!! I SINCERELY mean that FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!
I would agree with You that Life is Short and We SHOULD strive to be happy BUT when life deals You this unexpected S*hit and You are talking MANY years of marriage and ChildRen too, and Home and Property and etc., etc., it is sometimes VERY difficult to "move on" even if You should happen to want to. You can't give someone else a "time limit" based on what YOU Would Have Done. What works for some of Us does not work for all. Even though infidelity is always HurtFul, still yet, each situation IS different, it really, really is. And even if I might identify more with one case than the other, that is not the same as saying that I don't know and understand the Major Blow it is to ALL OF US!!
I say all of this, mami, with all due respect. I truely, truely, mean to offend no one here.
I understand more clearly now. Thanks Tink for clearing that up. I agree with you there. I'm glad Lor has you to lean on because it helps when you feel lost and alone to have someone who can really relate. I have to run now, got to go home from work. But I appreciate you being here and giving Lor the support she needs :)
I've had a little time to contemplate some of what You said above and I would like to point out that YES!! personally I AM happy in my New Marriage with my New Husband and I will be ETERNALLY GrateFull for this 2nd chance at Happiness!! I AM years down the road from all the HeartAche and HeartBreak that I suffered with my first husband BUT still Yet, in MANY ways, it's not REALLY behind me in the sense that he (ex-husband) and I STILL share ChildRen - we share GrandChildren. We come face to face often - Weddings, Births, Birthdays, Christmases, Graduations, etc., etc. - he is not GONE!! You can add to that, that we recently lost our "baby" Son to a drug overdose (ANOTHER HeartBreaking, HeartAching Story!! I mean, MY BABY SON IS DEAD!! ) and we (he and I) had to meet again and again and again to arrange/share funeral arrangements and memorials. This man is NOT, will NEVER be out of my life!! Yes! oh Yes! I still feel this man - he will not go away!! he will not get out of my life!! And TWO, I repeat, TWO of my Brothers wives whom He had affairs with still remain in my life - SO - in many, many, many ways - this man and much of what he did remains IN MY FACE (in spite of what I've told you, you STILL have no idea to what extent!!) You CANNOT "put it behind" You when others don't allow You to do so. I kinda, sorta, stumbled upon this site when I joined MedHelp for other reasons - but when I did stumble on this site, I just sorta thought I might have something of benefit to say to certain people. When I do have something to say - I mean no harm to ANYONE - I only mean to support those whose experience might relate to my own. While the "pain" of infidelity may be the same for all of us, still yet, each story does have it's differences and I never in any way mean to sound judgemental.
That being said, I truely, truely am elated that You have found Your way and I wish You all the best. I say this with the utmost respect for You and what You have achieved.
Thank you,,what was it that finally made you leave after 15 years,hand how did you meet your new husband,,Do you have regrets for staying so long in that kind of pain?Was it hard to look at him?did he ever tell you he loved you and did that make it harder to leave or did you just do like me in your head and say YOU SURE SHOWED ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME?Did you argue alot??did you pass your days feeling so disrespected and trapped??alot of questions but would appreciate your input
I also am extremely happy you can move forward,,and be a family,,But as you no,,my children were involved and i could not protect them ,,they were protecting me,,my son saw them together,,and kept silence,,till it was all out in the open,,a burden for inocent children to carry,,the secret phone belonged to my son and his dad made an excuse to have it,,it was in my name,,the friend who introduced my husband to his misstress ,my son and her son were friends,,so he would bring my son to her house,,and he would see the misstress there,,i found all this out later,,my older children at the time had told me they new,,but felt it would go away i guess,,such a burden for inocent children to carry with them,,then when we lost are home and everything else ,,so did they,,a real heart break for inocent children to bare
Also wanted to add,infidelity i believe effects children also,,not only are we a victum but so are are children,for me haveing the children there at the time made it much harder for me to pack up and go,,especially when i found out i had no more funds,,i was going threw the shock of my life myself then had to stand up and be there for my children also,,who i love,,My 4 older children have moved on and i have 3 grandsons now,,one left at home now,,at the begining my children said i was not the same mom they new,,even tho i put on the best face i could to spare them injustice,,they said i changed ,,i would wake up with bags under my eyes ,,im 5ft 5 and whent down to 100 pounds skin and bone,,after 4 years managed to get up my weight by 5 pounds not a healthy look for my height,,My 3 sons have said to me they would never cheat on there spouse ever,,i was proud to hear they have seen what it does to family,s,,and even tho i put on a brave face they new deep inside my pain,,my daughter at the time was told by her friend at school that her dad got viagra of her aunt,,thats what made me search his garage to find empty packages,that was humiliating for her im sure,,but i sat down and had a talk with her,Im 48 my oldest is 28 and youngest is 15,,are family has lost alot,,after the affair my 3 oldest moved out,,was hard for me,,they siad it wasnt about the affair but needed there own space,,then my 19 year old moved on,,we were a family torn apart,,And the children were put in the middle,,knowing and holding a secret of burden to protect there mom and dad
because You asked:
It's a long, long story but I will condense it.You must realize I'm leaving out many details and much horror. There's WAY more than I could ever tell You on this forum. I married him when I was only 15 years old to escape an alcohlic mother who was beating me. I had my 1st baby at 16, my 2nd one 10 1/2 months later. I only completed 10th grade as in those days one was not allowed to attend public school while pregnant. The 1st affair occured when I was in hosp. delivering our 2nd baby. I was CRUSHED, (you wanna talk about post partum depression?!!) This was my husband, father of my 2 babies, my HERO, who had rescued me from my Mother's abuse. I was blinded by the pain, my beliefs, my hopes, my dreams were shattered, but I had nowhere to go at 17 with 2 babies and no high school diploma. So I stayed. At 19 I had my 3rd baby and the cheating NEVER stopped. I was young, and dumb, and uneducated (there were control issues going on in this marriage as well) There were affairs with my Brother's wifes, friends & neighbors - the list is long, very, very long. There was YEARS of heartache and heartbreak and turmoil but I could see no way out. I had asked him to leave but he refused and would even threaten suicide which would cause me to back off every time. (remember the control I talked about). When I was 30 years old "suddenly" (obviously it had been building for years) I could no longer stand the sight, the sound, the SMELL of him. I went out & got my driver's license (I had never driven a car before that), my GED & I got my first job and I left - I STUNNED him, me and everyone else!! This is SUCH a long story - there is no way I can tell it all here. By this time we had been married for 15 years.
The wonderful man I am married to now was introduced to me around that time by a mutual friend and He (my present husband) and I were SUDDEN, INSTANT friends from that moment. We were both just coming out of bad marriages and were not looking to become "involved" with anyone. Our friendship continued for 7 years and "suddenly" (obviously it had been building for years but we didn't know that) we realized we were in love! Our friendship till that point had been strictly platonic but deeply meaningful to us both. We had both been deeply hurt by our marriages and were not looking to fall in love again, so after SEVEN years this took us COMPLETELY by surprise! We've now been married 27 years and to this day we cannot believe our good fortune to have one another.
I still cannot stand the sight of my first husband but he is STILL in my life as we share ChilDren, Graduations, Weddings, Births, GrandChildren, BirthDays, Christmases, etc. I still to this day deal with 2 of the "other women" as they are still married to my brothers - they are family to my Parents, my ChildRen, my GrandChildren. I always remain kind and polite to these people but I DO have scars and would prefer to never see them again and I brace myself for the tormoil in my gut when I have to be with them but I have other family members to think about so I get through.
There are many here who do not understand why I have not put this "behind" me. I have not put this "behind" because it is NOT behind. He's still a very big part of my present life. He's very much in my face as pertains to my ChilDren and my GrandChildren and 2 of the "other women" will forever be part of my life. WE HAVE FAMILY FUNCTIONS TOGETHER!!
One does not SIMPLY get on, give up, or walk away when it's a 15, 20 year marriage with grown kids and grandkids. You don't get to just "decide" that You don't want to be unhappy anymore. Life is not that "simple". It's very assuming to think otherwise.
There is much more gore to my story than what I've put down here. I'm sure You get that. I hope I've answered some of Your questions.
I just wanted to give a simple answer to the basic question here----- I think the vast majority if not all women that have been cheated on (myself included) believe the other woman (and I use that word loosely) is nothing but a rotten ho bag.
You made me laugh, specialmom: "rotten ho bag" is good!! I like it!!
(I still have to be nice to 2 of my personal "ho bags" - as I mentioned earlier they are still married to my Brothers, they are life-time Aunties to my Children, I am a lifetime Auntie to theirs. I secretly would like to send these 2 where all the other "other women" ought to go but, alas, I am stuck with them - I try to look on the lighter side of this - at least all the OTHER "rotten ho bags" are gone - things could be worse - what if I'd had 3 Brothers!!)
You made a comment earlier and its gone of this thread now,,You said my husband choose me after the affair,,No my husband choose her,,Thats what an affair is? they choose the other woman over us and are family,,Should us the victems be Happy they stayed after they get caught,,Seriously???DID WE NOT HAVE A SAY,,THE BETTER QUESTION IS ??ARE WE LEAVEING THEM??many husbands stay for several reasons also,,TTINKKERBBELL,husband stayed after repeat cheating ,,should she be HAPPY HE STAYED?????????????????you make it sound like we should be gratefull they go out and cheat and destroy are lives and are values,,are family,s AND WE SHOULD BE GRATEFULL THEY CHOOSE US?????THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS MEN STAY??AS WOMAN,,SO SUGAR COATING THAT IS WRONG
Thank you for sharing your story,,my heart goes out to you for your strength and everything you had to overcome and the feelings you still hold on to,IT REALLY IS CRUEL THAT YOUR HUSBAND TREATED YOU THIS WAY,,,and one example how infidelity can destroy a person even after they move forward after years,,You are a strong woman,,you have suffered beyond anything one should have to,,its sick and twisted the way you had to go threw your marriage,,But yet you held your head up and even tho you had to go threw all of this ,,You were the best mom to hold yourself together for your children,,,your story should be a book,,and it would bring alot of light to victems in this situation,,its to bad its a reality of your pain,,but a triumph to finally of some degree move forward,,i can not ever imagine your pain,,and your suffer to a person we think is a humane,,thank you
Thanx for Your Kind and Understanding words.
I still have "somewhat" difficult moments at Family Functions with the presence of the "dog" and the "rotten ho bags" (specialmom taught me those despcriptive words!!) but I LOVE my Other Family Members so I get through it. My "new" Husband is ALWAYS at my side and He's always incredibly supportive. My Family loves Him too, so I'm good!! My first marriage was very destructive but it serves to remind me of my Good Fortune today. I would go through it again if that were the price I had to pay to have the Relationship I have now. I really do think things happen for a reason (even hurtful things) - we just are not able to see that when we are in the midst of our pain.
There was a long, long period of time where I thought I could just die but today I feel it was all worth it!! This kind of pain and destruction is never "over" - it is part of You forever. You don't "forget" Your experiences - everything that ever happens is part of who You are. My biggest Hope in the World right now is (with or without Your present husband) that one day YOU find the Peace and Comfort that I have found. May You be so blessed one day!!
thanx for tipping Your hat to me. It's appreciated.
My brothers are my Little Brothers. Our alcoholic mother did not beat Them pysically as She did me but the emotional abuse was there for all of us. I took it upon myself at a very young age to try to "shelter" and "protect" my Baby Brothers the best I could. Fast forward a few years. When I learned Their wives had cheated with my husband I was "desperate" to keep it from them. I wanted to "spare" them the pain I was feeling. Silly thought maybe, but remember I was still very young myself and "protecting" them was something I had always done. Fast forward a few more years. When I left my husband these "rotten ho bags" were worried I might tell my Brothers what they had done so they told them. Of course my Brothers were deeply hurt but by the time they learned of the indescretions it was "history" to Them, They had Children, etc., so, long story short, They stayed in Their Marriages (kudos to Them). As a Therapist - You know that while no-one likes or enjoys abuse, some of us do learn to carry on and function when abuse does exist.
At the time, I was FURIOUS that my Sisters-in-law told my Brothers what they had done. I felt the "sacrifice" I made to "suffer in silence" was made futile by my Brothers having to go through this but I have come since to realize it wasn't my responsibility to spare my Brothers pain - that Their wives should have done that!!
Today my Brothers and I are good. We've always been close (I'm sure it helps that I haven't been mean to Their wives (rotten ho bags that they are!!)
While I have said here that my husband was a "serial cheater" as far as I know my 2 sisters-in-law only cheated on my Brother's the one time they were each involved with my husband. If there were other cheats on their behalves, I do not know of it.
Ya know Tinkerbell, a second hats off to you. You are a very articulate woman that has endured a good deal in your life time. It sounds like you have sacrificed for others, suffered for others, tried to be good to others. You obviously have great love for those in your life. And that is a beautiful thing as important people in your life (your mom, your ex) could have made you bitter. I at one time viewed you as bitter. I hope that doesn't make you mad---- you only get snippets from people's posts and it takes time to 'get to know someone'. I don't think you are bitter. You have moved on in your life and made it a happy one. You are not stuck in that place. The anger is still there and will always be but you even sound less angry as time goes on and more resolved to the fact that he was just an idiot loser.
I absolutely agree that the turns in life can lead to better places. Sometimes we have to get out the map and find the way to the better place---- but it is there waiting for us if we make the effort. Continued peace to you and all who read this.
Thanks for the nice words regarding "manning up". I do love my wife more than anything, and what I did was selfish, completely selfish, and although there are some excuses, there is no excusing infidelity.
I'm going to take a minute and speak on Dee Dee's behalf here. She looks at the board (sometimes it's too painful to do still, but maybe she can confirm some of this or put her own 2 cents in... I hope she does.)
Dee Dee does look at the other woman like a "rotten ho bag" and wants to place all of the blame on her, but she knows that I had a hand in this. I think by her/you wanting to place all of the blame on the ho-bag... it would remove me/your husband from this mess. The fact is, it really won't. Dee Dee knows that, you gals do too. It would be nice if it were that simple.... the person you trusted most, loved the most, did this horrible act, so plopping it in the other persons lap would be able to remove "your knight in shining armor" from the mess......
This ho-bag is everything the other woman in your situation was lor663. She tried to get my wife in trouble at work, called and sent certified mail regarding the situation to my wifes employers, threatened them that if there was any contact that she'd go after their business licenses, she claimed to be this holy person but proved to be the unholiest... this woman was and is a sociopath..... and I didn't see it.
The fact of the matter is, the other woman/person in all of these cases is, they aren't free from any blame and certainly am I or anyones spouse who does this. There is plenty of blame to go around. It's not funny, but for a lack of other words, Ill use funny. It is funny that the other person in most of these cases will try to duck any wrong doing and will place "God's will" or "fate" into the equation. Anything to make them try to look better.
I know that I am a $hit because of this, and I am never going to try to duck that fact. But the old, good guy-me is still in there, and I am now new and improved. Better than that, I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to show my beautiful wife that I am the guy she married, and am even better than that guy and working to get better yet.
Everyone on this thread/board has a level of peace that they haven't acquired yet. Some are further down the road than others, but even they will get to more peaceful spots. I wish that on the whole lot of you ladies, and any guys out there looking for that peace.
Personally I have never had issues with the other women other than my Brother's wives and my personal friends. I usually only felt betrayed by my husband as he was the one who had an obligation to be faithful to me. (except for those who called themselves "friends" and "family" - I really do feel they let me down too) Probably the other "other women" didn't even know he was married but none-the-less they did not know me personally. I do have a small opinion of women who knowingly cheat with a married man but I did not take those women personally.
I think often the Wife focuses the hate/blame/anger on the other woman because that's a "safe" place to put it when You are trying to get on in Your relationship with Your Husband. It doesn't exactly "remove" Your Hubby cuz Wifey still has all the emotional issues to work through but the blame/hate/anger are POWERFUL feelings and it's "somewhat" easier to direct that at the one You're not living with and still trying to have a Future with.
I was not "stalked" by the other woman as lor and DeeDee were and I would see that as particularly difficult but in my situation I DID and DO feel like my Sisters-in-law are still being shoved down my throat in like I would prefer to never see them again.
I no longer feel the PAIN of the infidelity BUT I do not like these people and would prefer not to socialize with them but that's just not to be. It's kinda, sorta okay in the sense that I am willing on behalf of my Children, Grandchildren, Nieces and Nephews. Otherwise, it would suit me if these people fell off the face of the earth! These are not the kind of people I want to be around. I abhor my ex-husband but I wear my best smile when I have to be around him and I send up thanx that it's not my problem anymore (he's remarried also and he still cheats!!)
I suspect one of the reasons lor is still in such a difficult place is because She still has MAJOR ramifications, overwhelmed by the financial losses, the loss of Her home, etc. that's BIG.
That is giant, and I'd never try to take away from that. What I am trying to get to though is that there are other things in her life that she can focus on and make a difference there instead. I get the fact that this was big, catastrophic even... but if we leave it there, it will always be there and it will and can over take our lives.
I've come to the idea of how short life really is. I want my marriage more than anything, and I will work my tail off to get it right. I am more fortunate than others with the fact that my wife has the same goals... and 99.999% of the time, we are on the same page. But if we weren't, there'd be her where she is, me where I am and no joined focus... it just makes a bigger mess ofthings.
I know you can't really tell the true emotions on this thing, but it sometimes seems as if all of this is always at the forefront of every thought. Until its not, it will always be. I know there are ways around that... perhaps it is noticing self worth, or the worth others ee in her, but it is there. I don't know the woman, but I damned sure wish her better than she's got, and I know she deserves it. PTSD (which I've been diagnosed with) or even a depression disorder keeps the real obvious worth others find in you blocked out. She has worth... more than she can see now, but its because that this blocks some of it out... (thinking out loud, sorry)
And your situation is a bit sticky too. I get that. I come from a tiny family. Survivors include my mother, my sister and a cousin... My sis is married with 2 kids,and of course Dee Dee and I are married. Support with what Ive been through or trying to correct is small. But if they held a grudge or animosity towards Dee Dee, I wouldnt give a damn... SHE is what I want, and they can come around or jump of the bus.... see what I mean.
I Also in reality have or never will blame the other woman,aside from the fact she had ill will towards me,,and i did nothing,, me and my family suffered because she has issues what ever they are but i do no,,I am not to blame..,,i strongly do not understand why?a woman feels she has to knowingly go out with a married man,,I feel she must think she is more special then the wife since the husband lies and cheats on there wife,,its a self problem they need to take a Big look at?I did not care about her or even focus on her aside from the courts wich i had No choice from her,,I blame him he brought this to my life period,,,,these people have no self worth to help destroy a man and his family,,but they are still not my problem,,he did this,,he did not have to participate in an affair,a no would have been just fine
The infidelity is bad enough,but for friends and relatives its extremely hard also,,the woman my husband entered into a affair with was a friends friend,,are friends son was friends with are son and are friend worked with my husband,,she new us,,i would do her sons hair,,i was a part time hair dresser also,,it was are friend who set my husband up with her,,my husband is a mechanic and her friend needed car repairs,,her friend fell for my husband,,and soon made excuses to call him,,are friend said to my husband just go for coffee with her her,,and started from there,,Later found out are friend would tex my husband secretley all the time along with his misstres,,Are friend also was cheating on her husband,,,When i went threw the phone records on the cell i called her and said how could you do this,,She denied it apologised for it and that was the end,,My husband brought his misstress to his work and every one new,,it wasnt like he was trying to hide it,,only from me ,,he trusted all his work friends not to say anything,,but he always new were i was all the time,,I think i cannot get over the fact of the harasment ,,the loss of my home?I Worked Hard for that house also,,And for him to get it all gone,,for his choices is injustice to me and our children,,I saved and worked hard to get there,,for one day giving to our children,,,If he wanted to be with someone else,,i would of happily sold our home and split it with out a doubt,,I could not have afford the mortgage on my salary alone,,but i had no knowledge of anything,,Which i now regreat not being more aware and control as to what was going on around me,,Also the not useing protection ,,is also a hard fact for me,,no choice for my health also,,Pure selfish,,Seems i had been stripped of all my choices and rights,,And i blame myself for not being more attentive to all of this,,,The sick part is,,This woman saw me without my knowledge and told my husband ,,Your wife is 100 percent pretty,,Wow ah?idiots,,,And my life goes on for sure,,but i my life has changed for sure,,Maybe i just cant grasp the injustice of such cruel acts towards another,,
I am getting a better picture of what you went through, and it is indeed way messier than most on here. We addressed one of the last sentences you wrote above in a therapy session a while back, referring to feeling like you "had been stripped of all of your rights".
It's pretty tough to see it any other way, isn't it? Dee Dee too went through this, and I am 100% on board with the thought. Looking back, she had every right to know what I was doing or had done.... so did you in your marriage. I try to liken the subject of "rights" to things our government does. (I am not anti-government, but they make decisions regarding our rights all of the time without notice.... that isn't right either, and I know it is a different subject.)
(Ugh, got busy at work and lost my train of thought.... I'll try to get back if I remember where I was going with this. Crud! I really thought what I was going to say would be somewhat helpful too....Dammit! No caffeine yet...)
I would never in a Zillion years suggest that the pain of infidelity is worse for One Person than Another BUT You DO wear different shoes than many and so did/do I - in the sense that FINALLY I did leave the cheating husband but I can't "get rid" of him or 2 of his "rotten ho bags". I think that's why we understand One Another on these particular issues. These things MAGNIFY the IMPACT when often the betrayal alone is enough to destroy the relationship!! These "extras" keep it from being "put away" - more in Your case than mine - anymore I only have to brace myself at certain Family Functions - for me it's occasional - for You it's everyday. I can't phathom losing my home over the infidelity!! That would floor anyone!!
When there is infidelity, I think often a Couple looks for justification and when they can find it, it helps (therapy helps with this also). You have not found "justification" for why Your Husband carried his affair to such a degree that he lost Your HOME!!, Your CAR!!. Risked Your HEALTH (this was a situation for me as well - my husband did not use precaution and he exposed me time and again!! I will never be able to "justify" that!!)
I relate to You in the sense that my experience wasn't a "one time" affair or a "one woman" affair. The IMPACT of that, as well, was huge!! Personally, I feel it would be "somewhat" easier to heal and repair if
#1 You only had to go through it once (me)
#2 You didn't have to continue to deal with him AND the other women for the rest of Your
life when You've decided to leave him (me)
#3 When You haven't been humiliated at work (you)
#4 When You haven't been stalked (you)
#5 When You haven't taken a horrendous financial hit (you)
#6 When You haven't lost Your HOME!! (you) (although I will say everyone loses
financially when there's a divorce)
You ARE entitled to be as angry as You are - I'm in Your corner on that!! BUT I am concerned for Your well-being as I know it is not good to carry this amount of anguish for this many years. I would hope that with or without Your husband in the picture that You find a peaceful heart. Somehow You need to find a way to work through this despair. You don't have to "settle" for what has been dealt to You - You CAN take responsiblity for Your own happiness if You cannot find that with Your husband. Weeks are turning into months and months are turning into years. You don't want to spend Your entire life feeling this amount of anguish and despair. I'm not suggesting You leave Your husband, only that You try to find Your peaceful heart with OR without him.
You deserve to be happy and sometimes we can't depend on someone else to make us happy, we have to seek it for ourselves.
It really makes you think what?is a family?and friends?when they can do this to you,,all the people who are suppose to be true family and friends help in the deception,that to me is hard to accept,,we talk and confide in these people for them to turn around and break this bond with us also,,,,,Your husband has cheated on you more than once,,but who really knows if mine has??done this befor,,i would assume yes because his affair was long and to get away with it that long and a secret cell?????really,,its pretty clever indeed,,he got exposed,,i would not have known if the other woman did not contact me??so i pretty sure he did it befor,,
Also my heart goes out to children who know what one parent is doing to another,,,but is in silence for known reasons,,of been put in a situation like this,,children young adults should Never Be Put In That Situation,,and its injustice for the cheater to no and put them in this situation,,Were are there values,,My children all new,,and i will NOT forgive him for ever haveing the pain of knowing what he displayed to them,,EVER
The IMPACT and the UTTER DESTRUCTION will never leave You. It was too EXTREME and it went too far.
You and I see eye to eye on much. In my opinion it goes beyond the "word" infidelity - I, like You, consider it a "character" issue. Certainly if it's a long term affair AND when it's repeat, repeat, repeat with numerous women. The unfaithfulness You experienced and mine also required REPEATED deception - that's where I have a problem with the word "mistake". I contend that when You INTENTIONALLY lie, cheat, and deceive, in order to pull off something You KNOW is wrong - it cannot be called a "mistake". A mistake is an "error" while Infidelity is PLANNED with much DECEPTION and is WRONG by everyone's standards.
I also have a "personal" issue with the words "I forgive you". I know, and understand, and am even happy that Others achieve that - it's good, it's very, very good for Them. But it doesn't work for me. Again, I speak personally here. I feel it's not my "power" to "forgive". I may "accept" (which I did, numerous times, early on) what has happened and try to move on in the marriage but "forgiveness" is God's job and if He wants "forgiveness" he should ask God for that. It is NOT right and it is not ALRIGHT for a Man to disregard his Wife. It is not alright for Him to CHOOSE to do something that He KNOWS will cause Her great pain. It goes BEYOND "right and wrong" it's evil (even sinful).
I was never able to resolve that my Husband could be so deceptive. I was terribly uncomfortable with that - even a little afraid of Him in the sense it made me feel He was a stranger to me. That I didn't REALLY know this Man, that he was not who I thought He was. It went beyond a "morality" issue for me, it was also a "character" issue. And I finally could no longer be with someone who was capable of being so wantonly deceptive. I mean it literally when I say that it scared me. What else did I not know about this Man??!! and what He might be doing??!!
You are not alone, lor. I for one (and there are others) who cannot "forgive, accept, justify" a Partners blatant disregard for his Vows, his Family, his Wife's personal sexual health, etc., etc. If he's willing to risk His future that's one thing but to risk Yours (financial and otherwise) without Your consent makes for a bad Man.
If You cannot "forgive", if You cannot "accept", perhaps You should begin to consider a different future for YourSelf. My concern for Your health with the amount of stress You have is serious. We don't realize the toll stress takes on us. There's so much more to my story than I will ever be able to convey in a few paragraphs!! I ended up having a brain anuerysm burst while I was lying on a pap smear table. My dr's office was in the hospital so I was only a few feet from the emergency room when it happened. I was air-lifted to a major hospital where I had 3 surgeries on my head and spent 15 days in the hospital. If I hadn't been where I was when it burst I would be dead. I tell You this because I believe from the bottom of my Heart that it burst because of the stress of my Life. I'm not suggesting that You have a brain anuerysm, but I AM saying - stress can threaten our Health and our Lives. Stress can cause heart problems too and any number of other things. Is it feasible or possible for You to consider a different future for YourSelf?
Funny thing is,,I asked my husband when it happened? would you have told me if she did not????He said i would of never i would not want to of hurt you<<<So he new what he was doing was wrong and Therefor it was not a mistake???He also told me she was getting more and more demanding of him,,giveing him ultimatums,,your wife or me??it really does not matter to me any more at all,,does not make it better or change things..But just to confirm ,,in this example OF WHAT IS NOT A MISTAKE,,ITS CALLED A CHOICE ONE THE CHEATERS MAKE FOR US AND THERE SELF,,NO YELLING CAP LOCK INTENDED FOR YOU,,LOL
You make me laugh!! Cap locks are fine with me - I don't feel like I'm being yelled at. I use them myself when I want to emphasize my word or my sentence - and I don't think I've ever yelled at anyone here. I just recently learned too that in the "cyber world" it might be taken as yelling but I'm not very computer savvy. That's the only way I know to convey my passion when I'm typing.
Yes, again I agree with You - every Man who has an affair KNOWS his Wife will feel betrayed and he KNOWS She will be deeply hurt - knowing that, it cannot be called a "mistake". A "mistake" is when He does something that He doesn't know is wrong - if You know it's wrong then You have made an intended CHOICE - not a "mistake"!! If He simply "made a mistake", He wouldn't have to hide it from Her - He could just go ahead and do it right in front of Her and then say "ooops, I made a mistake" and She'd say "no problem, honey, just try to get it right next time".
This is a true statement,,,,when the police interviewed me cause of my husband mistress ,,The woman officer said to me,,These woman still forget all the power a wife holds,,and she put a swear word in it,,,I was shocked to hear that,,and just said ya really,,,I did not no how to respond and was even surprised a person of law would even make that comment ,,still baffles me till today how to take that sentence of hers
Well Lor some women are truly disgusted by ho bags. LOL, thanks specialmom for that new word. Either they've been victims themselves or they have compasion and values. Not every women who hasn't been cheated on doesn't have high moral character. I think it takes a pretty classless human being to contribute in an affair with a married or unavailable person. I also think our partners know that they will be hurting us but get so caught up in the affair that they aren't able to think clearly. In my situation, he wound up with feelings and had a hard time letting go. She was his escape from reality. But when she was getting too demanding also, that's when he started thinking things through. He knew he wasn't going to leave me, he felt guilt for lying. He would wake up and hug me and tell me he loves me and would never leave. I'm sure he had contemplated it on numerous occasions. But in the end, she wasn't the type of woman that he could see himself with and he knew that he still loved me. If I allowed myself to think about the affair I still find myself angry but I have moved on, enough so that I can just transfer and direct my thoughts elsewhere.
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