What are your honest thought of the misstress

[lor663]

Since i was a victum  of infidelity,,what are your honest thoughts of the person who engage into haveing an affair knowing,,the person who they are doing it with is attached,,and some do have family,,And they no,,How are your thoughts of them persueing the husband makeing excuses to call knowing they have a family,,etc,,But yet when its discoverded by there doing or other doing,,there are some cases ultimatums harrasment towards the wife the inocent,,,reaaly would like opinions thanks

[lor663]

It really makes you think what?is a family?and friends?when they can do this to you,,all the people who are suppose to be true family and friends help in the deception,that to me is hard to accept,,we talk and confide in these people for them to turn around and break this bond with us also,,,,,Your husband has cheated on you more than once,,but who really knows if mine has??done this befor,,i would assume yes because his affair was long and to get away with it that long and a secret cell?????really,,its pretty clever indeed,,he got exposed,,i would not have known if the other woman did not contact me??so i pretty sure he did it befor,,

[TTinKKerBBell]

I would never in a Zillion years suggest that the pain of infidelity is worse for One Person than Another BUT You DO wear different shoes than many and so did/do I - in the sense that FINALLY I did leave the cheating husband but I can't "get rid" of him or 2 of his "rotten ho bags".  I think that's why we understand One Another on these particular issues.  These things MAGNIFY the IMPACT when often the betrayal alone is enough to destroy the relationship!!  These "extras" keep it from being "put away" - more in Your case than mine - anymore I only have to brace myself at certain Family Functions - for me it's occasional - for You it's everyday.  I can't phathom losing my home over the infidelity!!  That would floor anyone!!
When there is infidelity, I think often a Couple looks for justification and when they can find it, it helps (therapy helps with this also).  You have not found "justification" for why Your Husband carried his affair to such a degree that he lost Your HOME!!, Your CAR!!. Risked Your HEALTH (this was a situation for me as well - my husband did not use precaution and he exposed me time and again!!  I will never be able to "justify" that!!)
I relate to You in the sense that my experience wasn't a "one time" affair or a "one woman" affair.  The IMPACT of that, as well, was huge!!  Personally, I feel it would be "somewhat" easier to heal and repair if
#1 You only had to go through it once (me)
#2  You didn't have to continue to deal with him AND the other women for the rest of Your
      life when You've decided to leave him (me)
#3  When You haven't been humiliated at work (you)
#4  When You haven't been stalked (you)
#5  When You haven't taken a horrendous financial hit (you)
#6  When You haven't lost Your HOME!! (you)     (although I will say everyone loses
                      financially when there's a divorce)
  
You ARE entitled to be as angry as You are - I'm in Your corner on that!!   BUT I am concerned for Your well-being as I know it is not good to carry this amount of anguish for this many years.   I would hope that with or without Your husband in the picture that You find a peaceful heart.  Somehow You need to find a way to work through this despair.  You don't have to "settle" for what has been dealt to You - You CAN take responsiblity for Your own happiness if You cannot find that with Your husband.  Weeks are turning into months and months are turning into years.  You don't want to spend Your entire life feeling this amount of anguish and despair.  I'm not suggesting You leave Your husband, only that You try to find Your peaceful heart with OR without him.
You deserve to be happy and sometimes we can't depend on someone else to make us happy, we have to seek it for ourselves.

[brice1967]

I am getting a better picture of what you went through, and it is indeed way messier than most on here.  We addressed one of the last sentences you wrote above in a therapy session a while back, referring to feeling like you "had been stripped of all of your rights".

It's pretty tough to see it any other way, isn't it?  Dee Dee too went through this, and I am 100% on board with the thought.  Looking back, she had every right to know what I was doing or had done.... so did you in your marriage.  I try to liken the subject of "rights" to things our government does.  (I am not anti-government, but they make decisions regarding our rights all of the time without notice.... that isn't right either, and I know it is a different subject.)

(Ugh, got busy at work and lost my train of thought.... I'll try to get back if I remember where I was going with this.  Crud!  I really thought what I was going to say would be somewhat helpful too....Dammit!  No caffeine yet...)

[lor663]

The infidelity is bad enough,but for friends and relatives its extremely hard also,,the woman my husband entered into a affair with was a friends friend,,are friends son was friends with are son and are friend worked with my husband,,she new us,,i would do her sons hair,,i was a part time hair dresser also,,it was are friend who set my husband up with her,,my husband is a mechanic and her friend needed car repairs,,her friend fell for my husband,,and soon made excuses to call him,,are friend said to my husband just go for coffee with her her,,and started from there,,Later found out are friend would tex my husband secretley all the time along with his misstres,,Are friend also was cheating on her husband,,,When i went threw the phone records on the cell i called her and said how could you do this,,She denied it apologised for it and that was the end,,My husband brought his misstress to his work and every one new,,it wasnt like he was trying to hide it,,only from me ,,he trusted all his work friends not to say anything,,but he always new were i was all the time,,I think i cannot get over the fact of the harasment ,,the loss of my home?I Worked Hard for that house also,,And for him to get it all gone,,for his choices is injustice to me and our children,,I saved and worked hard to get there,,for one day giving to our children,,,If he wanted to be with someone else,,i would of happily sold our home and split it with out a doubt,,I could not have afford the mortgage on my salary alone,,but i had no knowledge of anything,,Which i now regreat not being more aware and control as to what was going on around me,,Also the not useing protection ,,is also a hard fact for me,,no choice for my health also,,Pure selfish,,Seems i had been stripped of all my choices and rights,,And i blame myself for not being more attentive to all of this,,,The sick part is,,This woman saw me without my knowledge and told my husband ,,Your wife is 100 percent pretty,,Wow ah?idiots,,,And my life goes on for sure,,but i my life has changed for sure,,Maybe i just cant grasp the injustice of such cruel acts  towards another,,

[lor663]

I Also in reality have or never will blame the other woman,aside from the fact she had ill will towards me,,and i did nothing,, me and my family suffered because she has issues what ever they are but i do no,,I am not to blame..,,i strongly do not understand why?a woman feels she has to knowingly go out with a married man,,I feel she must think she is more special then the wife since the husband lies and cheats on there wife,,its a self problem they need to take a Big look at?I did not care about her or even focus on her aside from the courts wich i had No choice from her,,I blame him he brought this to my life period,,,,these people have no self worth to help destroy a man and his family,,but they are still not my problem,,he did this,,he did not have to participate in an affair,a no would have been just fine

[brice1967]

That is giant, and I'd never try to take away from that.  What I am trying to get to though is that there are other things in her life that she can focus on and make a difference there instead.  I get the fact that this was big, catastrophic even... but if we leave it there, it will always be there and it will and can over take our lives.

I've come to the idea of how short life really is.  I want my marriage more than anything, and I will work my tail off to get it right.  I am more fortunate than others with the fact that my wife has the same goals... and 99.999% of the time, we are on the same page.  But if we weren't, there'd be her where she is, me where I am and no joined focus... it just makes a bigger mess ofthings.

I know you can't really tell the true emotions on this thing, but it sometimes seems as if all of this is always at the forefront of every thought.  Until its not, it will always be.  I know there are ways around that... perhaps it is noticing self worth, or the worth others ee in her, but it is there.  I don't know the woman, but I damned sure wish her better than she's got, and I know she deserves it.  PTSD (which I've been diagnosed with) or even a depression disorder keeps the real obvious worth others find in you blocked out.  She has worth... more than she can see now, but its because that this blocks some of it out... (thinking out loud, sorry)

And your situation is a bit sticky too.  I get that.  I come from a tiny family.  Survivors include my mother, my sister and a cousin... My sis is married with 2 kids,and of course Dee Dee and I are married.  Support with what Ive been through or trying to correct is small.  But if they held a grudge or animosity towards Dee Dee, I wouldnt give a damn... SHE is what I want, and they can come around or jump of the bus.... see what I mean.