Aa
bump in the road
Well, here we are again. I do not know what to think. Is it the same thing, No. But it is still wrong because he knew how it would make me feel. And once again he can not answer why. Okay fool me once shame on you but again Shame on me. How much is to much. I found out that Joe had been talking to one of his clients about our situation. That is okay. I mean I do the same thing here, We all need a time to vent, someone to talk to, but this was a woman and they were secretly talking on the phone! Come ON! That is how the situation started the first time. I know without a shadow of a doubt it was just a casual friendship because I went to her office and confronted her without Joe knowing and she did tell me exactly what he said, She said that they hid it b/c her fiance did not know Joe and would not have liked that she was talking to another man on the phone even though they were just friends and that Joe knew I would not like it. SO WHY THE H E L L do it!
But what makes me mad is that he would delete them off his phone so I could not see the calls. He knows I check the log periodically. She said he only talked to her when Kate was ill or when we had a bad fight and so on. Still makes me feel like dirt. He did something he knew would hurt me, even if he thought it was a stupid thing for me to get upset about, he still choose his feelings over mine.
And he said there was nothing there but the calls were becoming more frequent and the funny thing is we were doing great. SHe said she was having trouble in her relationship and that is what they talked about. IDK it is not right. He said there was no attraction but then when I saw her, IDK. I am so sick of this crap.
I told him he took me right back to last summer. I can not believe I am feeling this all over again, It has been a week. I have not been able to talk about it only to one individual. ( thank you) I told Joe it was like last year he took my heart and broke it and we have spent the last 11 months piecing it back together. It is not perfect any more, there were cracks in it and it was very fragile but back together and then he intentionally drops it again and this time it shatters.
When I ask him why he did not just come out and tell me he was talking to someone and not hid it he said he knew I would say no way and he is right. I would have said this is how you ended up cheating in the first place, go back to counseling or talk to one of your guy friends ( he said getting a woman's view was better. I agree but then talk to a mutual friend) so for him to do it knowing how I would feel really hurts me.Then I ask why her, he said she was nice and easy to talk to, a bit flirty in the beginning but he told her that he does not play that game. UGH! Why can't I just hate him.
I asked him to leave for a while. He stayed with family for a few days and then came back home on Friday ( our eldest son was coming home on leave) things were good all weekend and sunday was actually enjoyable. Friday night we went out and talked and I thought I was ok but then Sunday night I just freaked out. Went nuts, scraming and yelling, even beat him on his chest. I was so mad at him for doing this to me again. He said he could not believe things were going so well we seemed so happy and then bingo I blew it!!!! I told him just like he did to me. Things were going so well and then bingo he blew it.
According to her they talked most of the time in the office ( started in June ) first time b/c Kate was in the hospital and I was staying with her and was real moody and we were arguing a bit. Then our son went in for surgery and once again I was there and we did have a fight about how he is not there for me and the kids and so on. IT ended up being pretty bad and yes the Scarlett issue came up. She said that is when she gave him her # and said if you need to talk. They had not talked until two weeks ago today. She was coming out of her office and crying when Joe went in so he called her to see what was up. She had a fight with her fiance, then I see that they talked all the way until Sat. a few x a day. Really pi$$es me off!
But what makes me mad is that he would delete them off his phone so I could not see the calls. He knows I check the log periodically. She said he only talked to her when Kate was ill or when we had a bad fight and so on. Still makes me feel like dirt. He did something he knew would hurt me, even if he thought it was a stupid thing for me to get upset about, he still choose his feelings over mine.
And he said there was nothing there but the calls were becoming more frequent and the funny thing is we were doing great. SHe said she was having trouble in her relationship and that is what they talked about. IDK it is not right. He said there was no attraction but then when I saw her, IDK. I am so sick of this crap.
I told him he took me right back to last summer. I can not believe I am feeling this all over again, It has been a week. I have not been able to talk about it only to one individual. ( thank you) I told Joe it was like last year he took my heart and broke it and we have spent the last 11 months piecing it back together. It is not perfect any more, there were cracks in it and it was very fragile but back together and then he intentionally drops it again and this time it shatters.
When I ask him why he did not just come out and tell me he was talking to someone and not hid it he said he knew I would say no way and he is right. I would have said this is how you ended up cheating in the first place, go back to counseling or talk to one of your guy friends ( he said getting a woman's view was better. I agree but then talk to a mutual friend) so for him to do it knowing how I would feel really hurts me.Then I ask why her, he said she was nice and easy to talk to, a bit flirty in the beginning but he told her that he does not play that game. UGH! Why can't I just hate him.
I asked him to leave for a while. He stayed with family for a few days and then came back home on Friday ( our eldest son was coming home on leave) things were good all weekend and sunday was actually enjoyable. Friday night we went out and talked and I thought I was ok but then Sunday night I just freaked out. Went nuts, scraming and yelling, even beat him on his chest. I was so mad at him for doing this to me again. He said he could not believe things were going so well we seemed so happy and then bingo I blew it!!!! I told him just like he did to me. Things were going so well and then bingo he blew it.
According to her they talked most of the time in the office ( started in June ) first time b/c Kate was in the hospital and I was staying with her and was real moody and we were arguing a bit. Then our son went in for surgery and once again I was there and we did have a fight about how he is not there for me and the kids and so on. IT ended up being pretty bad and yes the Scarlett issue came up. She said that is when she gave him her # and said if you need to talk. They had not talked until two weeks ago today. She was coming out of her office and crying when Joe went in so he called her to see what was up. She had a fight with her fiance, then I see that they talked all the way until Sat. a few x a day. Really pi$$es me off!
You are both so right. I was there once. Dee dee you have a good idea here. I was going to do the same today but realized I have my first session tomorrow with a new therapist so I may have to talk about it. We had a good day today. Joe took off work so we could take our son to the airport. I woke up determined not to let eat at me today. So we got up and went. I was very quiet but I was very tired, Kinda sad to see my son go ( but kinda glad at the same time, one week with him home again was more then enough) and also a bit stressed b/c Joe was not in the best of moods, due to finances. So on the trip home I was just sitting quite. After about 20 mins into the ride home her looks at me and says What the Hell is your problem today. Totally shocked me, I asked what he was talking about He said I had an attitude and was sulking. So not true, I told him no, tiered, sad to know my son may be going over seas in about 9 months and a bit nervous due to his mood, He said he is always on pins and needles with me. I know he is , I told him, yes yesterday I was having trouble but did not show it to him. I was very caring and attentive toward him all day even though it was killing me inside. The only time I wasn't was when we went to bed and he wanted to be intimate. I just could not bring myself to do it. He brought that up how I was turning into an ice queen. I said well that seems to be all I am good for and you need to go to other woman for your emotional needs. He started to cry. But I did not feel sorry like I usually do. I just looked out the window for the next hour. We had to stop by the bank and turn in some paper work I sat in the car. When he came out he apologized for his attitude said it was all him. I said ok and just let it go, We went to breakfast and then we drove to a state park got out of the car and found a bench and sat and talked for an hour. It was good. I told him how I was feeling. ( this was before I read DeeDee's post) I asked questions again knowing I would get the same answer IDK but then thought what if he gives me another one, one I really do not want to hear. I am so glad I go tomorrow. Thank you very much both of you.
Wow I missed so much. I've been where both you ladies are at and believe me when I say it does get easier. You will eventually get to a place where you don't need any questions answered and you can just live your life. I'm not saying it will go away for good but it won't be as intense and it won't consume your every day thoughts.
Love my kids, it is really creepy how much we think alike . . . .
I really appreciate everyone's support in here.
Brice and I discussed/fought over the tiny details of this situation for 5 straight days. (I had a med change, may not have been the right one). Then I wrote him a letter, and promised him 24 hours of no discussions. That went well. It helped that I had to work for 14 hours that day, but I think that might be my new plan - borrowed from the 12 step programs - One Day at a Time!
If I can just get through 1 day without a major meltdown, maybe the anxiety will eventually subside.
The thoughts, questions, sadness and anger are still constantly there, I'm just trying to deal with them differently.
I've been trying to think before I ask a question:
1. Will the answer matter, one way or another?
2. Might the answer hurt my feelings?
3. Has he already answered this question, and I'm just having a hard time accepting his answer?
4. Am I asking this question because I need the answer, or just to make him squirm?
Anyway - I'm going to try to stick to this plan for a while. See if it eases me into a place where the questions aren't there all the time.
Good luck to all of you! Good Things WILL Happen Today!
I really appreciate everyone's support in here.
Brice and I discussed/fought over the tiny details of this situation for 5 straight days. (I had a med change, may not have been the right one). Then I wrote him a letter, and promised him 24 hours of no discussions. That went well. It helped that I had to work for 14 hours that day, but I think that might be my new plan - borrowed from the 12 step programs - One Day at a Time!
If I can just get through 1 day without a major meltdown, maybe the anxiety will eventually subside.
The thoughts, questions, sadness and anger are still constantly there, I'm just trying to deal with them differently.
I've been trying to think before I ask a question:
1. Will the answer matter, one way or another?
2. Might the answer hurt my feelings?
3. Has he already answered this question, and I'm just having a hard time accepting his answer?
4. Am I asking this question because I need the answer, or just to make him squirm?
Anyway - I'm going to try to stick to this plan for a while. See if it eases me into a place where the questions aren't there all the time.
Good luck to all of you! Good Things WILL Happen Today!
so true. Guess I am just having an emotional day. One day I am fine and the next not so good. Ugh I hate it. I know I can not be ruled by my emotions b/c that is just giving others power over me!
You shouldn't have to Act like it doesn't bother You. You shouldn't Feel like You have to try to Prove anything. It should be on Him now to Prove something & that should include not having any Secret Conversations with some girl who's crying over problems with her fiance !! and "a bit flirty in the beginning" !!
If He doesn't like living under a microscope, well then, He shouldn't have done anything to cause You to be Suspicious. It kinda goes with the territory now & that's the consequence. Any one with 1/2 a brain knows that having an affair is going to Change the Dynamics between You and Your Spouse !! It's His job to MAN-UP and take "it" WHATEVER "it" happens to be - You do the Crime, You do the Time - that's what it comes down to. Let's not Forget who the Real Victim is here & You have every Right to expect (even INSIST) that He not have any kind of contact with a woman that He doesn't want You to know about. It's because of Him that Your Faith & Trust is Fragile to begin with - He needs to do WHATEVER it takes to re-build that.
(it's also normal to want to hurt back - it's called Self-Defense)
(It would be a Good Rule for All of us to never DO or SAY ANYTHING with ANY other person EVER at ANY TIME that we would not do or say if Our Spouse were Standing right next to Us Observing and Hearing Every Word !!)
Regards,
TTinKK
If He doesn't like living under a microscope, well then, He shouldn't have done anything to cause You to be Suspicious. It kinda goes with the territory now & that's the consequence. Any one with 1/2 a brain knows that having an affair is going to Change the Dynamics between You and Your Spouse !! It's His job to MAN-UP and take "it" WHATEVER "it" happens to be - You do the Crime, You do the Time - that's what it comes down to. Let's not Forget who the Real Victim is here & You have every Right to expect (even INSIST) that He not have any kind of contact with a woman that He doesn't want You to know about. It's because of Him that Your Faith & Trust is Fragile to begin with - He needs to do WHATEVER it takes to re-build that.
(it's also normal to want to hurt back - it's called Self-Defense)
(It would be a Good Rule for All of us to never DO or SAY ANYTHING with ANY other person EVER at ANY TIME that we would not do or say if Our Spouse were Standing right next to Us Observing and Hearing Every Word !!)
Regards,
TTinKK
Joe was and is transparent too. I have all his passwords and can check any time. He knows that. He even knew I check the phone record. So he knew I was going to find out, that is what I can not understand. He said he did not feel at the time it was wrong b/c it was not the same as last time, and I understand that, but part of him had to know it was wrong or he would not have deleted it off his phone. He said he did b/c he just did not want to have to answer to me all the time, but My thought it you play you pay and yes, you do have to answer. I understand he feels like he is under a micro scope and he was then I eased up but now he is again. I am just afraid that it was not like last time but definitely headed in that direction, He said no. But if you play with fire you eventually will get burned. I start therapy again on Tuesday. It can not come soon enough for me. Around him I am fine and I act like it does not even bother me, I even choose to go out with out him when I know he has been waiting all day for us to spend time together, just to prove to him that I do not need to be coddled ( yet I do it kills me not to be with him) and also b/c I know it bothers him and I want him to hurt a little bit.
Im sorry that any of you are having a tuff go right now. Lovemykids465, even with me being a man, I cannot figure out what Joe was doing there either. I understand the need to be able to tell your story, but I wont be telling mine to any other female unless she is my counselor/therapist.
I understand my boundaries. I am 100% transparent. Dee Dee can check up on everything I am doing. I am in one of 3 places at any given time, or in transport to one of those 3 places....home, work, or the gym. I am being supportive. I am doing my best to be understanding. I am telling the truth.
The simple fact of this matter is, I love my wife and am in this for the long haul. I regret what I've done to my wife and my marriage, but I am doing evrything that is requested and suggested, plus some other things that arent.
If I cant keep my marriage, if there is too much damage, I take full responsibility. But I know my wife better than anyone. I know that when she sets her mind to something, she will get it done. She is far stronger than she's ever given herself credit for. She has more fortitude and drive than anyone Ive ever met.
PTSD and its symptoms are a monster. Contrary to what some guys think, the hyper-vigilance is the least of my concerns, simply because I am not hiding anything. I prefer her to be hyper-vigiliant....she can always check on me.
She/we are on the verge of beating this. She is keyed up on what is real and what is the PTSD conjuring up things that arent true. Now we need to both get the tools to be able to address this. The truth is what matters. That past has happened, and no matter how much I want to take it all bck, I cant do that. What we can concentrate on is the present and the future. We can concentrate on helping each other through this. What we have to do is put us first. I know that the past cannot be erased, and maybe saying to concentrate on the future is easier than it really is. But I do know that numerous people have survived this. Many people have gone through this before us, and many of them have survived. It is doable.
I want my marriage, I want Dee Dee to be in my life forever. If I cant have that, I imagine I will live on, but know that I will do it alone. I dont care for anyone else, and I will not allow myself to care for anyone else. I cant risk doing that. I know by staying in my marriage that I WILL NEVER let her down again.
I understand my boundaries. I am 100% transparent. Dee Dee can check up on everything I am doing. I am in one of 3 places at any given time, or in transport to one of those 3 places....home, work, or the gym. I am being supportive. I am doing my best to be understanding. I am telling the truth.
The simple fact of this matter is, I love my wife and am in this for the long haul. I regret what I've done to my wife and my marriage, but I am doing evrything that is requested and suggested, plus some other things that arent.
If I cant keep my marriage, if there is too much damage, I take full responsibility. But I know my wife better than anyone. I know that when she sets her mind to something, she will get it done. She is far stronger than she's ever given herself credit for. She has more fortitude and drive than anyone Ive ever met.
PTSD and its symptoms are a monster. Contrary to what some guys think, the hyper-vigilance is the least of my concerns, simply because I am not hiding anything. I prefer her to be hyper-vigiliant....she can always check on me.
She/we are on the verge of beating this. She is keyed up on what is real and what is the PTSD conjuring up things that arent true. Now we need to both get the tools to be able to address this. The truth is what matters. That past has happened, and no matter how much I want to take it all bck, I cant do that. What we can concentrate on is the present and the future. We can concentrate on helping each other through this. What we have to do is put us first. I know that the past cannot be erased, and maybe saying to concentrate on the future is easier than it really is. But I do know that numerous people have survived this. Many people have gone through this before us, and many of them have survived. It is doable.
I want my marriage, I want Dee Dee to be in my life forever. If I cant have that, I imagine I will live on, but know that I will do it alone. I dont care for anyone else, and I will not allow myself to care for anyone else. I cant risk doing that. I know by staying in my marriage that I WILL NEVER let her down again.
Not to freak you out or anything but that is what I thought too. asnd look what happened again.
OH gosh, LoveMyKids! You sound like me. Checking phone records, plotting them out on a calendar . . . ugh. But I truly believe Brice is done with it.. I know he is.
Not having such a good day with my thought process. I still can not figure out made him think that it was even ok to start talking or texting another woman once again. When I go back and look at records it was him initiating contact not her and many times she just ignored it and did not answer.Well not may times just the last day all the rest were on work days but the last was on saturday 2 weeks ago. He messaged her 3x and she did not answer. Finally her bf did and said to cut it out. Joe said he was texting her to tell her that they could not talk anymore, but I have no proof of that. I guess I do not know y I need it, it is what it is and it is over but he says there was no emotional connection but then Y contact her on the weekend, it was not work related and we were not fighting. HE says it was just friends and he knew it was wrong, and he is sorry and it will never happen. so i guess i should settle for that but i need to know Y!
Amen, lovemykids!!
In spite of how this turns out - You really DO need to take Your Life back!! AND - He needs to know You are going to do exactly that!! You once depended on Him for Your Happiness & He blew it. He needs to know that You are in charge of what You intend to do with the Rest of Your Life. I'm NOT saying I think You should leave - instead I am saying You need to take charge of Your own Happiness - whatever that turns out to be.
Good Luck and I'm Hoping the Best for You
In spite of how this turns out - You really DO need to take Your Life back!! AND - He needs to know You are going to do exactly that!! You once depended on Him for Your Happiness & He blew it. He needs to know that You are in charge of what You intend to do with the Rest of Your Life. I'm NOT saying I think You should leave - instead I am saying You need to take charge of Your own Happiness - whatever that turns out to be.
Good Luck and I'm Hoping the Best for You
I know where you are. I would not allow myself to be alone. I volunteered where ever I could on my days off. Or my best friend would come over and we would watch movies or what ever so I was not alone. I did not believe people when they said over time you would feel better. I did and do. Yes this has changed me, I am no longer the person I was before, I am not as trusting but I am also better for it if that makes sense. Even this last incident, you know what I feel I'm dammed if I do and if I don't so I am doing to do things for me now. If I want to go out with the girls I go, The past 12 months I spent all my time with Joe so he would not feel I was neglecting him and guess what, he still craved attention form someone else, so it is his issue not mine, yes it affects me but I am not going to be a prisoner to his needs and emotions while I sacrifice mine.
Thanks TtinkK
I will probably get electrocuted 'cuz I am soaking my keyboard with tears . . .
I sat down and tried to sew today, a hobby I had picked up about the time his affair started - actually started earlier, fell while roller-blading and put away for several months - but just sitting down at my machine made all the bad feelings come back, 'cuz that's what I was doing with myself while he was chatting with her and planning their get together(s).
I would offer him attention, but he was often too tired, so I would stay up and sew while he went to bed. Or he would want to go to bed so early, and I would go in until he was asleep and then get up and sew. But I feel like somehow, that woman who was at the sewing machine was the one who was cheated on. I just can't bring myself to finish my project.
And I really want to.
I think I may be too damaged to ever be any good to him, or anyone else as a wife again. I feel like I should not stay home alone on my days off anymore, as that's when I go the craziest. (except for when I'm at work, or when I'm driving, or when I'm watching a movie, or reading a book . .. ) I am afraid for my ability to be a good Mom when I have these horrid mood swings.
Ugh! I hate this!
I will probably get electrocuted 'cuz I am soaking my keyboard with tears . . .
I sat down and tried to sew today, a hobby I had picked up about the time his affair started - actually started earlier, fell while roller-blading and put away for several months - but just sitting down at my machine made all the bad feelings come back, 'cuz that's what I was doing with myself while he was chatting with her and planning their get together(s).
I would offer him attention, but he was often too tired, so I would stay up and sew while he went to bed. Or he would want to go to bed so early, and I would go in until he was asleep and then get up and sew. But I feel like somehow, that woman who was at the sewing machine was the one who was cheated on. I just can't bring myself to finish my project.
And I really want to.
I think I may be too damaged to ever be any good to him, or anyone else as a wife again. I feel like I should not stay home alone on my days off anymore, as that's when I go the craziest. (except for when I'm at work, or when I'm driving, or when I'm watching a movie, or reading a book . .. ) I am afraid for my ability to be a good Mom when I have these horrid mood swings.
Ugh! I hate this!
I'm Sorry You're Going Thru This.
You said You want to be You again...You will Never be Who You Were. This has Forever changed things. What has happened has changed who You thought He was & also changes who You thought You were. Before, You could never have known what this would be like - now You know and it's not Pleasant, or Easy, or even Good!! (FOREVER CHANGED!!) It's sorta like a death - things will never be the same again. That doesn't mean that You won't get "past" this but it will be "different" from here on than You thought it would be before. There is no easy path through this. "Part" of the problem is the "injustice" You feel that he had the Control & the Power to change Your life without Your consent, this Person who You Loved and Trusted did this!! - this Enrages Us & NO ONE deals well with rage. You are not to be faulted for having these feelings. Sure - You don't want them, but You are not SuperHuman and You Are Not Going to Avoid Them. It's simply going to happen - it's another price You have to pay for what He did AND it's the price He has to pay for what He did!!
You are NOT a big, mean, mad puddle - You are simply a human being whose instinct is to fight when all Your Life, Your Faith, Your Love, Your Belief, Your SAFETY has been threatened.
I feel Your Pain here & I wish I could ease it.
TTinKK
You said You want to be You again...You will Never be Who You Were. This has Forever changed things. What has happened has changed who You thought He was & also changes who You thought You were. Before, You could never have known what this would be like - now You know and it's not Pleasant, or Easy, or even Good!! (FOREVER CHANGED!!) It's sorta like a death - things will never be the same again. That doesn't mean that You won't get "past" this but it will be "different" from here on than You thought it would be before. There is no easy path through this. "Part" of the problem is the "injustice" You feel that he had the Control & the Power to change Your life without Your consent, this Person who You Loved and Trusted did this!! - this Enrages Us & NO ONE deals well with rage. You are not to be faulted for having these feelings. Sure - You don't want them, but You are not SuperHuman and You Are Not Going to Avoid Them. It's simply going to happen - it's another price You have to pay for what He did AND it's the price He has to pay for what He did!!
You are NOT a big, mean, mad puddle - You are simply a human being whose instinct is to fight when all Your Life, Your Faith, Your Love, Your Belief, Your SAFETY has been threatened.
I feel Your Pain here & I wish I could ease it.
TTinKK
Except now Brice and I just had a huge fight. I get so upset when I think about the fact that he may have actually been planning a future with her. Probably was, he says he doesn't really even know, and that's why he's in therapy and I have to accept "I don't know" as an answer.
I'm so sick of this. I want me to be me again, and not just this big mean mad puddle that I seem to become every time I have a day off.
I'm so sick of this. I want me to be me again, and not just this big mean mad puddle that I seem to become every time I have a day off.
I know what you mean about content for the longest time I could not play clue with my 9 year old because of the Scarlett character ( that was the girls name ) It would put me in a bad mood. This time It was just a friend, nothing going on but it was the secrecy that got to me.
Bridget,
It sounds like we're living kind of parallel lives :)
I am making a mix CD of songs that pep me up and make me sing along to help with my middle of the night drives. I may also try some books on tape from the library - but I'm afraid if they have any questionable subject matter, it may spin me out.
You know, it might help to let Joe know just how deep your feelings go - he may see your "strength" as indifference. Just a thought.
Hang in there girl! I'm right there with ya!
It sounds like we're living kind of parallel lives :)
I am making a mix CD of songs that pep me up and make me sing along to help with my middle of the night drives. I may also try some books on tape from the library - but I'm afraid if they have any questionable subject matter, it may spin me out.
You know, it might help to let Joe know just how deep your feelings go - he may see your "strength" as indifference. Just a thought.
Hang in there girl! I'm right there with ya!
Yesterday was a wonderful day and this morning when the alarm went off we did not want to get out of bed. It is at this time I feel the most secure, when I wake up in his arms, knowing at that point nothing can touch me, but then the day begins. Joe goes off to work, I get the children off, hit the gym and then to work. Dee Dee your right. I found this last year and once again that the times I am alone driving back and forth or running, whatever it may be, I feel the hurt and then the anger comes. I am not angry today, not so much hurt either just annoyed. When Joe is with me I feel content. When we are apart I feel vulnerable. I got through it once before, I will again. This time is nothing like the first in his actions ( well maybe a bit) but the betrayal feels the same. Joe has been great. Very supportive. I try not to show how weak I feel in front of him because I know it hurts him to see me that way.
Well, Girls ~ Now you can see why I'm hangin' around! Brice is a keeper :)
I for one am glad you got all gushy. It actually helped me see things through Joe's eyes. Thank you.
Bridget
Bridget
I am truly the luckiest man around. Dee Dee, Honey, thanks for all of the kind words above. That means alot to me and makes me want to work even harder.
I love you.
To the rest of you, sorry I went and got a gushy. I promise I wont do it again!
brice
I love you.
To the rest of you, sorry I went and got a gushy. I promise I wont do it again!
brice
You are a Good Woman. I am so touched by Your words. You probably will not TOTALLY lose the Pain of betrayal (simply because it's impossible to "forget" what we experience) but maybe You will be Stronger for it. My Heart is Heavy for You to have this to contend with but I think You will Surmount it - I think You really, really will be okay.
My Best To You!!
TTinKK
My Best To You!!
TTinKK
There is so much in this thread I want to comment on - Not enough hours today.
1st off, Tink, I used to see you as an angry person, but I have developed a lot of respect for you. You tell it like you see it and don't sugar coat anything. Brice is JUST LIKE THAT! And while sometimes, it hurts people's feelings, sometimes you have to be presented with a point of view that you're missing. Brice talked to me about his adoption on one of our first dates. He was angrier then, and his attitude totally changed when we were faced with the prospect of being infertile, and having to consider adoption ourselves. We ended up having 2 natural children, but if our issues had prevented that, we would have adopted. I was born to be a Mom. I realize now sometimes I was a Mom first, and not enough of a Wife, and that may have made Brice feel less loved and appreciated.
Second off, Lovemykids, I'm so sorry for your experience. It is ABSOLUTE transparancy that is helping Brice and I. He lets me see his phone, all his eMails, and doesn't even go on facebook unless I sign him on and stay in the house. He doesn't have his password and I change it periodically. Joe needs to understand that even the appearance of something less than forthright can cause those emotions to bubble up. Sometimes there's a trigger, like the other day, Brice and I almost got in a fight because he shortened your name to "love" on this forum. Usually, however they just come out of nowhere. I don't want them to, I want to have nice times with my husband and our new-found passion for each other, but sometimes, stuff just bubbles up - an arrow in the dark is exactly what it is. Usually when I'm alone - I have a 1 hour commute in the middle of the night - and that's when it happens most. I leave work feeling ok, and an hour later, I come through the door and wake him out of a sound sleep to interrogate, berate and verbally abuse him. (BTW, any suggestions for how to fill my mind during that time would be helpful. Maybe I should get XM radio again . . . . )
About "playing the victim" ~ Yes, I am the victim. But I work with children and adolescents that are victims of the worst kind of neglect and mistreatment. Children who have no homes, no families, who are wards of the state because their parents are in jail or are otherwise incapable of caring for their children. Parents who have been court ordered to stay away from their children, even if this society where the court system sees the 'home' as the best in almost every case - even when 'home' is on the streets or in church shelters with drug users and child molesters. What's one of the first things we work on with these kids? With much compassion and support, we try to help them feel empowered, to lose the victim role so they can be whole and move on, and hopefully never victimize another child, which is a common pattern.
So, yes, I understand that BEING a victim is beyond my control. Continuing to live and act and feel like a victim is absolutely detrimental to my recovery. I'm a long way from letting go of the 'victim' in me, but I will get there.
Brice has been wonderful. He does accept responsibility - rarely does he try to justify it. Sometimes, I want to justify it, too so I don't have to accept the fact that my perfect husband made a choice to break my heart and trample on our marriage vows. He even, (most likely) planned to walk out on me and our absolutely blameless kids to live in a fantasy world that he and the other woman had created.
But he's back now, and working so hard to make the rest of my life as full of joy and love as possible. In the past, I have been able to provoke him into yelling back at me - but the last time, he just backed off and said -"I'm going to take all you got, baby." And it took some of the wind out of my sails. Totally put me off balance, I continued, and eventually got him to yell back, but in hindsight, I really appreciate his effort ;)
Specialmom - you're idea is fabulous. A month ago, Brice came up with the idea of the "Thursday 3" Thursday is his "Monday" and my "Saturday" so I'm home alone while he's at work. He sits down during his morning break and eMails me 3 reasons why he loves me. It's really helpful. I look forward to it all day Wednesday, and I know it keeps us both focussed on our relationship and why we got together in the first place, as well as our future.
I never knew how hard this could be, and will never tell a friend to "just leave him" when a husband or boyfriend cheats again. I have done that in the past, and was always amazed when someone wanted to stay. But I NEVER expected it to be me on the receiving end of an infidelity. We have too much, 20 years of loving each other, 18 years of marriage, 2 kids, and most of all, 20 years of being best friends.
If I can ever let go of the pain of the betrayal, and relenquish a reasonable amount of trust, I know Brice and I will have a fabulous future togeter. Maybe better than if we had not been through this.
I truly wish the best for all of you, and appreciate your input, and the opportunity to vent on this forum.
Thanks! Let's all HANG IN THERE!
1st off, Tink, I used to see you as an angry person, but I have developed a lot of respect for you. You tell it like you see it and don't sugar coat anything. Brice is JUST LIKE THAT! And while sometimes, it hurts people's feelings, sometimes you have to be presented with a point of view that you're missing. Brice talked to me about his adoption on one of our first dates. He was angrier then, and his attitude totally changed when we were faced with the prospect of being infertile, and having to consider adoption ourselves. We ended up having 2 natural children, but if our issues had prevented that, we would have adopted. I was born to be a Mom. I realize now sometimes I was a Mom first, and not enough of a Wife, and that may have made Brice feel less loved and appreciated.
Second off, Lovemykids, I'm so sorry for your experience. It is ABSOLUTE transparancy that is helping Brice and I. He lets me see his phone, all his eMails, and doesn't even go on facebook unless I sign him on and stay in the house. He doesn't have his password and I change it periodically. Joe needs to understand that even the appearance of something less than forthright can cause those emotions to bubble up. Sometimes there's a trigger, like the other day, Brice and I almost got in a fight because he shortened your name to "love" on this forum. Usually, however they just come out of nowhere. I don't want them to, I want to have nice times with my husband and our new-found passion for each other, but sometimes, stuff just bubbles up - an arrow in the dark is exactly what it is. Usually when I'm alone - I have a 1 hour commute in the middle of the night - and that's when it happens most. I leave work feeling ok, and an hour later, I come through the door and wake him out of a sound sleep to interrogate, berate and verbally abuse him. (BTW, any suggestions for how to fill my mind during that time would be helpful. Maybe I should get XM radio again . . . . )
About "playing the victim" ~ Yes, I am the victim. But I work with children and adolescents that are victims of the worst kind of neglect and mistreatment. Children who have no homes, no families, who are wards of the state because their parents are in jail or are otherwise incapable of caring for their children. Parents who have been court ordered to stay away from their children, even if this society where the court system sees the 'home' as the best in almost every case - even when 'home' is on the streets or in church shelters with drug users and child molesters. What's one of the first things we work on with these kids? With much compassion and support, we try to help them feel empowered, to lose the victim role so they can be whole and move on, and hopefully never victimize another child, which is a common pattern.
So, yes, I understand that BEING a victim is beyond my control. Continuing to live and act and feel like a victim is absolutely detrimental to my recovery. I'm a long way from letting go of the 'victim' in me, but I will get there.
Brice has been wonderful. He does accept responsibility - rarely does he try to justify it. Sometimes, I want to justify it, too so I don't have to accept the fact that my perfect husband made a choice to break my heart and trample on our marriage vows. He even, (most likely) planned to walk out on me and our absolutely blameless kids to live in a fantasy world that he and the other woman had created.
But he's back now, and working so hard to make the rest of my life as full of joy and love as possible. In the past, I have been able to provoke him into yelling back at me - but the last time, he just backed off and said -"I'm going to take all you got, baby." And it took some of the wind out of my sails. Totally put me off balance, I continued, and eventually got him to yell back, but in hindsight, I really appreciate his effort ;)
Specialmom - you're idea is fabulous. A month ago, Brice came up with the idea of the "Thursday 3" Thursday is his "Monday" and my "Saturday" so I'm home alone while he's at work. He sits down during his morning break and eMails me 3 reasons why he loves me. It's really helpful. I look forward to it all day Wednesday, and I know it keeps us both focussed on our relationship and why we got together in the first place, as well as our future.
I never knew how hard this could be, and will never tell a friend to "just leave him" when a husband or boyfriend cheats again. I have done that in the past, and was always amazed when someone wanted to stay. But I NEVER expected it to be me on the receiving end of an infidelity. We have too much, 20 years of loving each other, 18 years of marriage, 2 kids, and most of all, 20 years of being best friends.
If I can ever let go of the pain of the betrayal, and relenquish a reasonable amount of trust, I know Brice and I will have a fabulous future togeter. Maybe better than if we had not been through this.
I truly wish the best for all of you, and appreciate your input, and the opportunity to vent on this forum.
Thanks! Let's all HANG IN THERE!
P.S. to my last post to You an hour or so ago:
"treading Shark Infested waters" is an expression (mine) sorta like an "arrow out of the dark" is an expression (hers).
I don't hate those words (like You said) - in fact I think they are pretty Descriptive of how We feel when Infidelity happens to Us. I wasn't "picking apart" Her expression but I will say it doesn't REALLY come "out of the dark" (although it may "seem" that way) -actually, its Ever Present, it's ALWAYS there and in spite of OurSelves it sometimes Erupts. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - I really do know what I'm talking about here. You may know something about the Husband's side of it that I don't know but I GUARANTEE I know something about the Wife's side that You don't know!!
AND sometimes We REALLY DO feel like we are "treading shark infested waters" trying to Survive AND Surmount What Has Happened To Us and EveryThing We Once Believed About Our Husbands and Our Relationships!!
TTinKK
"treading Shark Infested waters" is an expression (mine) sorta like an "arrow out of the dark" is an expression (hers).
I don't hate those words (like You said) - in fact I think they are pretty Descriptive of how We feel when Infidelity happens to Us. I wasn't "picking apart" Her expression but I will say it doesn't REALLY come "out of the dark" (although it may "seem" that way) -actually, its Ever Present, it's ALWAYS there and in spite of OurSelves it sometimes Erupts. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT - I really do know what I'm talking about here. You may know something about the Husband's side of it that I don't know but I GUARANTEE I know something about the Wife's side that You don't know!!
AND sometimes We REALLY DO feel like we are "treading shark infested waters" trying to Survive AND Surmount What Has Happened To Us and EveryThing We Once Believed About Our Husbands and Our Relationships!!
TTinKK
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