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Avatar universal

bump in the road

Well, here we are again. I do not know what to think. Is it the same thing, No. But it is still wrong because he knew how it would make me feel. And once again he can not answer why. Okay fool me once shame on you but again Shame on me. How much is to much.  I found out that Joe had been talking to one of his clients about our situation. That is okay. I mean I do the same thing here, We all need a time to vent, someone to talk to, but this was a woman and they were secretly talking on the phone! Come ON! That is how the situation started the first time. I know without a shadow of a doubt it was just a casual friendship because I went to her office and confronted her without Joe knowing and she did tell me exactly what he said, She said that they hid it b/c her fiance did not know Joe and would not have liked that she was talking to another man on the phone even though they were just friends and that Joe knew I would not like it. SO WHY THE H E L L do it!

But what makes me mad is that he would delete them off his phone so I could not see the calls. He knows I check the log periodically. She said he only talked to her when Kate was ill or when we had a bad fight and so on.  Still makes me feel like dirt. He did something he knew would hurt me, even if he thought it was a stupid thing for me to get upset about, he still choose his feelings over mine.

And he said there was nothing there but the calls were becoming more frequent and the funny thing is we were doing great. SHe said she was having trouble in her relationship and that is what they talked about. IDK it is not right. He said there was no attraction but then when I saw her, IDK. I am so sick of this crap.

I told him he took me right back to last summer. I can not believe I am feeling this all over again, It has been a week. I have not been able to talk about it only to one individual. ( thank you)  I told Joe it was like last year he took my heart and broke it and we have spent the last 11 months piecing it back together. It is not perfect any more, there were cracks in it and it was very fragile but back together and then he intentionally drops it again and this time it shatters.

When I ask him why he did not just come out and tell me he was talking to someone and not hid it he said he knew I would say no way and he is right. I would have said this is how you ended up cheating in the first place, go back to counseling or talk to one of your guy friends ( he said getting a woman's view was better. I agree but then talk to a mutual friend) so for him to do it knowing how I would feel really hurts me.Then I ask why her, he said she was nice and easy to talk to, a bit flirty in the beginning but he told her that he does not play that game. UGH! Why can't I just hate him.
I asked him to leave for a while. He stayed with family for a few days and then came back home on Friday ( our eldest son was coming home on leave) things were good all weekend and sunday was actually enjoyable. Friday night we went out and talked and I thought I was ok but then Sunday night I just freaked out. Went nuts, scraming and yelling, even beat him on his chest. I was so mad at him for doing this to me again. He said he could not believe things were going so well we seemed so happy and then bingo I blew it!!!! I told him just like he did to me. Things were going so well and then bingo he blew it.

According to her they talked most of the time in the office ( started in June ) first time b/c Kate was in the hospital and I was staying with her and was real moody and we were arguing a bit. Then our son went in for surgery and once again I was there and we did have a fight about how he is not there for me and the kids and so on. IT ended up being pretty bad and yes the Scarlett issue came up. She said that is when she gave him her # and said if you need to talk. They had not talked until two weeks ago today. She was coming out of her office and crying when Joe went in so he called her to see what was up. She had a fight with her fiance, then I see that they talked all the way until Sat. a few x a day. Really pi$$es me off!
40 Responses
145992 tn?1341348674
I sent you a pm.  I think it was a very stupid thing for Joe to do.  So now you have to worry that every time you and him fight he's going to go to the next woman and start up a "friendship".  That isn't a fear you need to live with, especially because life isn't perfect and neither are relationships and you can't constantly keep up this facade that everything is honky dory all the time.  He needs to find another way of dealing with his issues.  I think you both need to go to counseling because I don't think Joe understands the gravity his past actions have had on this current situation.  He needs to get it.
Avatar universal
He has agreed to go back to counseling. He also meets with our pastor once a week now. I honestly believe he has some issues he needs to deal with, I do not know why they are coming up now after 22 years of being together ( 20 years of marriage) but Joe was the product of an extramarital relationship ( on his mom's part). She gave him up. He was adopted by a loving couple in their 50's. Well his dad died when he was 11 and his mom when he was 12. He then moved in with an older sister who was verbally and physically abusive. I really think he craves attention from woman due to all of this. not so much craves but when they show it to him he is sucked in to it. I am now dealing with personal issues that I have not had to deal with in over 10 years, such as self esteem and body image. I made an appointment for myself to get some help before Joe and I go together. I need to get my emotions under control before I can even begin to work on our relationship.
Avatar universal
His affair Forever changed things - He needs to get that.  It's part of Him taking Responsibility for what His indescretion has done to the Relationship.  Yes, You do talk/share on this forum but for the most part Everyone is somewhat anonymous here in the sense that we are quite distant from One Another - it's not a "personal" relationship.  That's not the case with someone of the opposite sex who is also a client and present in the here and now.  I don't question it was "innocent" but it's still sort of a betrayal that both of them felt it best to be secretive & to keep it from You and the Fiance.  Betrayals probably always start small.  Also - if He already knows You would not like it then He should not participate in the 1st place - but to participate and then keep it from you cuz He knows You wouldn't like it??!!
In Your 6th paragraph You say "things were going so well & You seemed so Happy & then bingo - You blew it".  I can't believe You or He either one thinks You are the one who "blew it" here!! - He blew it (again) by keeping this secret!!  So - You're Fragile after what happened the 1st time - He's supposed to bend over backwards, or whatever it takes, to put back together Your shattered Heart & that would not include secretly talking to a lady in distress who's crying cuz she had a fight with her fiance, "who's nice, and easy to talk to & a bit flirty in the beginning".  Who the Heck needs this!!??

P.S.  I know He has ChildHood Issues.  We all do.  We're all born in a pit - some pits are deeper than others but it's our job to climb out & take responsibility for what kind of person we CHOOSE to be.  It ALWAYS comes down to Choice.
Avatar universal
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that.  here I thought you and Joe were the most grounded in recovery folks Dee Dee and I knew about.  You guys actually came up in conversation either last night or this morning.  (We too hit a bump in the road)  For us, we've moved on to a different step in the recovery stage, or reverted perhaps.  Dee Dee is really mad all of a sudden, more than hurt.  (I am playing by the rules-I want no conversations with any women other than on this board and pertaining to what were all going thru)

Something else thats similar between Joe and I is that I too was adopted.  I was adopted at birth, and only knew my adoptive parents as the only parents I ever knew.  I found out that I was adopted after being over to another families home for a swim party when I was 7.  One of the other family's kids didnt look like the others.  (Oddly enough, he was a middle child)  Anyhow, I asked my mother why that was and she told me that he was adopted and explained what adoption was.  She then informed me that my sister and I were adopted.  (I felt crushed....someone had me and just gave me up for adoption)  My mother explained that she had 2 still born babies and was unable to concieve again.  She said that she and my father (they were divorced at this time) wanted to be parents, and they basically chose me.  Initially, that made me feel better.  Although my birth parents didnt want me, my adoptive parents did.

I asked a few questions throughout the years pertaining to my birth parents.  Depending on whom I asked, I got conflicting stories.  Through the years, the stories I did get were changing.  I asked my mother in my adolesence if she could help me find some information about who I was and she told me that it would hurt her feelings if I conducted a search.  I honored that, not wanting to hrut her feelings, but later started a half baked search only to be thwarted by a hot lead turned cold.  Recently, I have started another search, but just kind of poking around.  My adoptive mother is still alive and I dont want to hurt her.

Fast forward to today.  Something thats been on my mind since I found out I was adopted was that I really didnt know who I was.  That has been bothering me almost daily for 36 years!!!  Now, I am not the man my husband married, and I am not the guy I used to be.  I have numerous issues I am addressing in therapy, but me not knowing who I am on the most basic level haunts me daily.  I do not know where I came from!  Perhaps if I did, I could better explain why I feel the way I do sometimes..... between this and some issues I had with my adoptive father, I had been diagnosed with a detachment disorder and lack assertiveness with women.  I dont know.... I cant help but feel that if I had addressed all of my issues when I was inititally diagnosed as clinically depressed, I could have got some answers and this horrible affair never would have happened.

I keep telling Dee Dee that she didnt do anyting to facilitate this affair.  it wasnt that she was doing something, or not doing something.  It's because I am selfish/was selfish.  I did it because of me.  That isnt good enough for her.  She takes it out on herself, which in turn makes me feel crappy.  I felt as if we made some serious ground with our latest talk, but hse is still having a hard time with it.  She wants me to have fallen out of love with her in order to have fallen in love with this other woman...but thats not the case.  I did push aside her, and didnt necessarily think of the repercussions, or at least the extent of the repercussions of me doing this.  I never did not love her during this, but I did put her aside.  I was running 2 relationships at the same time.  Our therapist said it was me living 2 realities.  That made sense to both of us at the time, it was explained in detail to us and we both got it.....today?  Not so much.

THIS IS HARD!!!!!!   I wish to the highest powers that this never happened.  I sometimes wish I had a religious background on which to fall for support, but am agnostic.  I believe in something, just perhaps not God, or even know what God is....(different topic completely)  I have issues with organized religion and have seem too many people hind behind their religion, and have seem the religious be the most judgemental beings on the planet.

Therapy is working, but it isnt going at a pace I am satisfied with.  My next session I am going to try something new.  Cant remember what it is called, but it sounds promissing.
Avatar universal
Tink is right.  It does all come down to choices, and I sure as heck made a horrible one.  One that went against everything I ever stood up for.  I could not/would not stop until I was handed the ultimatum.  By then the actual sexual had taken place.

What I need to figure out is why I made this decison.  What led me to go against everything I ever believed, go against every code I ever lived by, for this taudry affair.  I know its in there, and am counting on my personal therapy to find something out about me that I didnt already know.
145992 tn?1341348674
brice that's what my fiance said as well.  He said he never stopped loving me during his affair, although he was disconnected from me emotionally.  It's because he was balancing two relationships and I guess felt guilty.  He was also not nice to me and started arguments with me to justify his actions.  This way he didn't feel like he was wrong.  It's crazy how similar people's reasoning can be.
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