moiving forword

[storm170]

How do you move past after the person you have been with for 28 years ups and tells you he not in love with you any more and that he has been with some one but he wants to come home and try and work things out.

[mami1323]

Well that's good that your taking the steps for independence, it shows him that you don't have to put up with his indiscretions.  

[storm170]

Ya he is having his cake and eating it to and yes I am going to make him play ball my way I just have to wait until next month then I will have the money to get my own place and I will not have to live with any one but me. I guess that is  why I have been just sitting back I don't want to have to stay with any one I need the time to think things out for myself and do what I need to do for me. I have got him to look for a new job and a day time job he does know I plan to move next month and this is one of the things I told him he had to do for me to even think about working on us. We talk a little each weekend about what it would take for us to work this out and stay together so maybe this weekend would be a good one to bring up it's me or her and I really like having him sign away something idea I know he loves his bike but it's in my name to so maybe I will have to try that with him.

[mami1323]

I understand your feelings, I think it's hard for most women and even men to leave their relationships.  No one wants to do that, especially after so many years and children.  But you are right, you will feel like a doormat if you allow him to communicate with her.  Behind your back is one thing, you can't control that, but when it's blatantly infront of your face, that's adding to the disrespect and certainly a disregard for your feelings.  How would he feel if the roles were reversed?  That's how I always brought it up to my fiance, I would say, well heck, let me call up some of my ex's and see how they are just because I'm curious.  He certainly didn't like that.  He's not going to give you a divorce, he's comfortable.  Why should he anyway, he gets you and he gets to continue doing what he wants with her, why would he feel the need to change things?  Its got to come from you.  Maybe after some time you will get stronger and will feel the urge to make some changes about your situation.  Right now I think you're just happy he wants to come back.  But it is still on his terms.  Can you go somewhere and get a break?  Give you a breather to re-evaluate your marriage and what you are willing to tolerate?  Keep coming on here, it's very helpful and the women are very supportive.  There are more of us here, I just check in more frequently because I moderate.  But I'm glad we can all be here for you.

[storm170]

I did ask him if he wanted me to leave or if he wanted a divorce but he gets really up set with me and say if thats what I want.  I know I should push for him to stop talking with her but on the other hand I am at the  point if he needs that then so be it. I have told him if the lies and snecking around and doing one thing and telling anthor that come the end of next month I am going to be gone. I do very much love him and would love to work through this but I am not going to be a door mat like his mother was with his dad. I have been with him 28 years and I grew up with him so I have had him in my life from day one his parents and my parents were best friends. Maybe thats why I have found it very hard to walk away from him. but I do love this web site it's nice to be able to talk with some one that don't know us and can see things in a new way. Thanks for being on here and talking.

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry, I know the pain you are feeling.  All I can say is that you can't work through a marriage and the issues in it all by yourself.  Yes, there are always reasons why a partner may cheat but there are no excuses for it.  A mature man or woman would communicate their unhappiness to their spouse, not go looking for attention elsewhere.  It's a very selfish act and causes pain that is unneccessary.  And his actions not only effect you but I'm sure your children as well.  Just because they are moved out, doesn't mean they would appreciate their father treating their mother in that way.  To be honest, when my fiance cheated, he was the one who mentioned going to counseling.  He had said no to it prior to me finding out he was cheating.  I had suggested it earlier in our relationship because we were fighting so much and we had major communication issues.  I thought it would help, but he refused.  After everything surfaced he fought tooth and nail to keep me.  He pushed for us to go to counseling, he changed his phone number, he even offered to quit his job (that's where they met) and promised to cut off all contact with her.  It was hard for him to do that.  He felt torn as well, he had feelings for her, they were together for almost 2 years.  So it did take time before their contact was broken fully.  I would find that she would call him from her job number or call from her home number thinking I didn't have that number.  He would sometimes call back.  I'm sure they text messaged eachother.  I'm not sure what their conversations were about.  He said he felt bad for her, I guess he lied to her a lot to.  Probably made her think we would break up.  Who knows.  But we almost didn't make it because I refused to accept their contact.  He had to choose and finally he did.  He knew that we wouldn't work if he continued to talk to her.  She changed her number and left the gym (his job, she was a member), and he changed his number again and that was it.  She was history.  That's why I said if your husband has feelings it's hard for him to cut off all contact but it has to happen in order for him to make things work with you.  If he's incapable of going to counseling or letting go of the other woman, than that tells you he isn't fully committed to you.  As much as it hurts, you need to have some peace and you won't get that the way things are going now.

[storm170]

We have always had a good relationship for the most part when we first got married we split up a few times because he said he didn't want to be mairred but he would always come back after a few weeks and want to work it out. Things have been hard because he has always worked nights and I have always worked days so that is always been a issue with us. My sister in-law says she thinks he is in a midlife thing because our kids are all grown and moved out he has had some health issues and we just lost my mother last year and he was very close with her. I had to spend alot of time with her and not with him so maybe that had some thing to do with why he did what he did but I am willing to understand to a point and take responsibility for my part of making it happen all I want from him is for him to take his part. I feel we can work this out but not until this other person is out of the way. I have tryed to talk with him and ask if he would talk with some one with me but thats a big hell no. If he found out that I was on line talking about this he would flip out. He is a very private person when it come to our problems he don't really like to talk them out with me.

[mami1323]

I love that contract idea.  My fiance signed a loyalty contract in our sessions but it wasn't set that he give up anything valuable.  I think I would've liked that idea better...lol. Of course he didn't have anything valuable to give up either...haha.

[specialmom]

I agree with mami.  I know it is so hard when we are betrayed by someone . . . especially in this way.  What was your relationship like prior to the affair.  What kind of history do you have as a couple-----  was it good, volatile, uneventful, dramatic, etc.  Did you suspect the affair or were you two kind of leading seperate lives and you didn't have any idea?  So, I guess I am trying to get at if the relationship was any good besides the cheating . . .  

If you think it was, then I think you are in a position to be demanding.  NO and let me repeat NO he can not be "friends" with the woman he had an affair with.  Whatever excuse he gives you . . . NO.  That is too painful for you and just too much to ask.  If he can't give her up then I wouldn't trust that he is ready to committ to you again.  I'd seek couples therapy.  He has to go and this has to be discussed with an expert.  And I also like a contract.  It is unromantic but can be telling.  He has to sign a legal document that if he cheats again, he has to give over something HUGE (the deed to your paid for  home, a bank account, a prized boat or whatever is very valuable to him).  A man who is serious about not cheating will sign that (even if they think it is silly) but one who is not, won't.  You get the idea.  Good luck!!  Painful and confusing time in your life-----  wishing you peace with it.

[mami1323]

Yes at a certain point those games get old.  I would say he's not serious about making it work or he is struggling with cutting off contact with her.  Not because he doesn't care for you but he also must have some feelings for her as well and is conflicted.  My recommendation is until he's ready to let go of her, he has to let go of you.  I know it's hard to do that but why should he have his cake and eat it to.  How can you rebuild trust if he keeps breaking it?  They can't have a friendship, it is unacceptable, so I would be very clear with him your expectations.  If he chooses to work it out with you, she has to be history.

[storm170]

Yes I know it can work but it's he says he want's to be there but yet he not acting it at times. He is still talking with this other person and he even has a anthor phone that he calls her on and text her from he knows I know about it but all he says are they are friends I don't know maybe its me but I feel like even at our age he is still trying to play me like he would a girl in highs school.

[mami1323]

Oh wow, that is tough.  I think that person realized the grass isn't greener on the other side.  I would say it takes a lot of work.  I would try counseling first and see if the relationship is fixable.  I would also make sure that the person who committed the affair was extremely remorseful and regretful.  If they are than you can begin to rebuild the relationship.  Trust has been broken and is hard to rebuild.  Relationships can survive infidelity but it's not an easy road.  If the person who committed the act is ready to put in the time and energy and is going to be patient with the progress, then it can happen.  It's a rollercoaster of emotions that you will go through so they can't expect you just to get over it.  I would start with counseling sessions first.