I have been in a relationship with a great guy for about a year (intimate for about 7 months).
At the start of the relationship (after months of him not making "a move") I initiated a conversation with him about sexual attraction, because I couldn't tell if he was attracted to me. All other aspects of our relationship was going great and I didn't want to drop something special based in speculation, so I asked why he never made any advances on me and wasn't very receptive when I was affectionate. That was when he told me about his ED.
I am having a hard time navigating this and I want to be sure I handle it the right way, for both of us. Most of the time I am nervous about being affectionate with him, because I don't want to put pressure on him. One night after some wine, I got pretty flirty with him and I got shut down. It wasn't a problem that he wasn't in the mood, it was that he was annoyed at me and seemed quite irritated. I feel this is the type of thing we should be able to handle. We don't need to have sex every time I'm feeling frisky, and often actually, I am just hoping for foreplay. It's ok to say "I'm too tired" or whatever, I get it. That won't hurt my feelings, but getting upset with me for being a loving partner who is only showing affection, well then that hurts.
I notice he has brought things up in some of our disagreements as well, saying things like, "I stick a needle in my penis for you", and I find that unfair and hurtful to say. I thought our sexual connection was two-sided, not one-sided. I have never once asked or expected him to do this. In fact, I have told him I never want him to feel he needs to. We can explore each other without any expectations. I get more out of that than anything else. Every time he takes a pill or injects, it is without my knowledge. It makes it feel unnatural and by that point, I am now feeling like I have to perform, whether I feel like it or not. I mean, the man just stuck a needle in there, I can't let him down and let it be for nothing. So why say it is for me? If it is for me, it would be something I am requesting, and I never do.
I love...I adore this man. If medications didn't ever work, I honestly wouldn't care. It is HIM I am kissing and showing affection to. Whether that leads to more isn't my focus. I don't have an agenda. I just want to smooch my man and be close to him.
How can I help him see this. I feel like he has insecurities and possibly resentments about this and he denies he does. I had mentioned the time he got mad at me and the comment about doing it for me and told him that comes off as resentment and asked if I am doing something wrong, and he said no. But his words and actions tell a different story, at least in my mind.
Help! How can I really put his mind at ease and make our sex life feel more unanimous? I don't want either of us feeling pressured and I think if he is taking the medication first and them coming on to me, it's not the best way. What if I'm not in the mood? It doesn't feel natural. I would rather no medications and getting frisky naturally, then if we both agree, he can take the medication. But from my perspective, that will never be an expectation from my part.
Thank you for listening. I hope this helps me gain insight.