Avatar universal

Help! How do I make my man with ED feel more comfortable with me?

I have been in a relationship with a great guy for about a year (intimate for about 7 months).

At the start of the relationship (after months of him not making "a move") I initiated a conversation with him about sexual attraction, because I couldn't tell if he was attracted to me. All other aspects of our relationship was going great and I didn't want to drop something special based in speculation, so I asked why he never made any advances on me and wasn't very receptive when I was affectionate. That was when he told me about his ED.

I am having a hard time navigating this and I want to be sure I handle it the right way, for both of us. Most of the time I am nervous about being affectionate with him, because I don't want to put pressure on him. One night after some wine, I got pretty flirty with him and I got shut down. It wasn't a problem that he wasn't in the mood, it was that he was annoyed at me and seemed quite irritated. I feel this is the type of thing we should be able to handle. We don't need to have sex every time I'm feeling frisky, and often actually, I am just hoping for foreplay. It's ok to say "I'm too tired" or whatever, I get it. That won't hurt my feelings, but getting upset with me for being a loving partner who is only showing affection, well then that hurts.

I notice he has brought things up in some of our disagreements as well, saying things like, "I stick a needle in my penis for you", and I find that unfair and hurtful to say. I thought our sexual connection was two-sided, not one-sided. I have never once asked or expected him to do this. In fact, I have told him I never want him to feel he needs to. We can explore each other without any expectations. I get more out of that than anything else. Every time he takes a pill or injects, it is without my knowledge. It makes it feel unnatural and by that point, I am now feeling like I have to perform, whether I feel like it or not. I mean, the man just stuck a needle in there, I can't let him down and let it be for nothing. So why say it is for me? If it is for me, it would be something I am requesting, and I never do.

I love...I adore this man. If medications didn't ever work, I honestly wouldn't care. It is HIM I am kissing and showing affection to. Whether that leads to more isn't my focus. I don't have an agenda. I just want to smooch my man and be close to him.

How can I help him see this. I feel like he has insecurities and possibly resentments about this and he denies he does. I had mentioned the time he got mad at me and the comment about doing it for me and told him that comes off as resentment and asked if I am doing something wrong, and he said no. But his words and actions tell a different story, at least in my mind.

Help! How can I really put his mind at ease and make our sex life feel more unanimous? I don't want either of us feeling pressured and I think if he is taking the medication first and them coming on to me, it's not the best way. What if I'm not in the mood? It doesn't feel natural. I would rather no medications and getting frisky naturally, then if we both agree, he can take the medication. But from my perspective, that will never be an expectation from my part.

Thank you for listening. I hope this helps me gain insight.  
2 Responses
207091 tn?1337709493
Have you said all this to him? Had a gentle conversation with him outside of the bedroom and explained all this, lovingly and without accusations?

One thing you can not do is be his therapist. You're his partner. There are somethings you can't and shouldn't do, or be responsible for.

A couple of things stand out to me.

It took you initiating the sex conversation for him to tell you that he has ED. Sure, a lot of couples wait, and that's fine, but he wasn't receptive to affection from you, and didn't explain why for months. Sure, I bet that it's not something he wants to shout from the rooftops on first dates, but after 5ish months, I'd expect that the topic would have been discussed, if for no other reason than to make sure you knew it wasn't something about you.

He is using his treatments for ED against you. That's manipulative. "I stick a needle in my penis for you" is supposed to do what? Get you to give into whatever it is he wants? Like you'll get Mexican for dinner instead of Italian because he sticks a needle in his penis?

There is no communication about sex, maybe from both of you? I understand that you are being very delicate about this so as not to pressure him, but in the meantime, he's taking a pill or injecting himself on days you aren't in the mood, and you're getting shut down when you might just want touching.

I assume you know the cause of his ED. You don't have to share it, of course, but I'm just asking to make sure he's explored all treatment options.

I'd suggest couples counseling. I'm not sure if you're an LGBTQ couple, but there are counselors who specialize in that, if you are. There are also counselors who specialize in sexual aspects of relationships.

Even if the ED is being treated appropriately, there's some communication issues that need to be addressed. If you've told him everything you have told us, and this still happens, counseling is a must. A good counselor can help you work on better communication, help you both work through any road blocks you have.

I hope this has helped at least a little.
20620809 tn?1504362969
Hey.  You sound like a catch and he's lucky.  I personally would just do it his way whether it feels natural to you or not.  Let him take his meds because that is what feels right to him.  It's not saying he is taking the meds and that is making him aroused . . . he has to want to get intimate to take the meds.  That means he wants to at that point.  So, don't put parameters on it.  Especially if you want it to be more natural.  In fact, don't pay attention to it at all.  Let him handle it.  You just come along for the ride when he's ready.

I do love that you want to be there for him, sex or no sex.  And to just be WITH him.  You could tell him that you have no expectations about sex and that you are just being affectionate.  You aren't doing that to led to sex and aren't disappointed when it doesn't.  (although, you may be).  

To me he sounds like he is trying.  He does feel a bit inadequate and this is all hard for him.  But he is trying. I'd go easy on him and just be patient. Keep reassuring him.  But at the same time, you do need to have your needs met for affection and intimacy.  

Counseling is never a bad idea.
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Men's Health Community

Top Men's Health Answerers
1622896 tn?1562364967
London, United Kingdom
139792 tn?1498585650
Indore, India
11369760 tn?1449504372
Southwest , MI
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
Chlamydia, an STI, often has no symptoms, but must be treated.
Bumps in the genital area might be STDs, but are usually not serious.
Get the facts about this disease that affects more than 240,000 men each year.