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Avatar universal

Loss of erection during intercourse

My boyfriend and I use to share an active sex life however over the past six months he has trouble having an erection or maintaining them when he has one.  He is not on medication, his testosterone level is well within normal ranges, his doctor cannot find anything physically wrong with him and he is 26 years old. He has repeatedly said that it is not due to a lack of attraction but I recently found out that he looks at porn. Also, there have been problems with trust in our relationship since I found out he was lying to me about various issues.  There has been no infidelity as far as I know. Is this normal or should I give up and believe that it is me that causes this problem.
74 Responses
Avatar universal
First thing is to not blame yourself. People do stuff becuase they choose to do so. No one has a gun to his head and is making him look at porn. He also chooses to lie to you as well. Again, no one is forcing him too. Here is a couple of things that I can think of that might cause this (since the doctors can not find anything wrong with him). 1) Stress with work or school. Maybe he is unhappy with his job or boss. 2) Guilt. Having an affair or went to go see a prostitute. If you look at the STD forum, there are many men on there with a lot of guilt.

What ever the issue, I would not look at yourself as the cause of any of this. He's a big boy and old enough to know what he is doing (right or wrong). Good luck! I hope if I didn't sound like I'm preaching.  
Avatar universal
ok for starters... it is in no way your fault.... my exhusband used to have this problem also.... and he was about 24....... maybe you guys should try looking at porn together... just a suggestion... it's not for everyone...
as far as the lies and everything else... hang in there!! everyone has problems... there is no such thing as the fairy tale romance :)..

GOOD LUCK!!
Holly
Avatar universal
Thank you for the advice.  It makes me feel better about myself.  Are there any guys that have experienced this?
Avatar universal
yeah, I'm a guy..
79258 tn?1190634010
Definitely don't blame yourself. First of all, *all* guys have this happen occasionally. However, erections are really, really sensitive to anxiety, and a lot of guys are anxious about their erections. So, maybe he lost his erection once and panicked, thinking it would happen again, which of course virtually guarantees it will. The porn/masturbation might be a result of that anxiety; he could be essentially reassuring himself that he still can get aroused, have an erection, etc.

Or, it could be a way of dealing with other issues in your relationship. You don't say what else is going on, but you allude to some trust issues. I think it might be a good idea to see a sex therapist together. S/he can clear up any misconceptions either of you have, as well as help you communicate and resolve your differences.
Avatar universal
I think it is pretty typical for men to go through this sometimes and I totally agree that if it happens once, then men worry so much that it will happen again and sike themselves out so much that it DOES happen again.
As for the porn, well don't let that upset you. Men function differently than women and can become aroused by site alone. Even if you remove the pictures or movies, all he has to do is close his eyes. They are also very good at the art of fantasy and can create a porn in their own mind just by seeing an attractive girl walk down the street. It is just human nature. Try not to take it personally. It doesn't mean that he isn't attracted to you, just that he is human. If it upsets you with the thinking that he should not need porn because he has you, the real thing, RIGHT in front of him, then I suggest that maybe you take some sexy photos of yourself or maybe even offer to make your own home movie that the two of you can watch together. This may also add a little spice to your love life.
I know, it's hard to NOT take it personally. We women are super sensitive and I understand that it can almost feel like he is cheating everytime he looks at porn, but I hope the two of you are able to get past this together, feeling closer through acceptance.
Good luck to you!
--J
Avatar universal
I just want to add that there are instances of men (and women) that eventually become desensitized to "real" partners because of their involvement with porn. Evidently it can begin to affect the way the person relates to a real person and can cause perfomance problems.
Avatar universal
Hi, In reponse to your boyfriend he has look at so much porn till if you dont preform like he is use to seeing,or do not control your movements during sex in the same way of the females he is seeing.Then it is possible that he is losing intrest.I myself years ago use to look at a lot of porn and would look for females to act or preform in the same way .I however did not lose intrest in the female I was with but I can see how it could be a problem.He also may be jerking off to the porn and therefore when you are with him he has already had his fill,case in point!Maybe you should watch the porn with him and you and him have sex while or after the porn.Some women will not because they think the man is responding to the porn and not her.This is not true,and I would be with him or he may stray on you until he finds a female that will.Try for a while and it will improved and the porn will slow down and with time it will work its way out.Good luck!
Avatar universal
Hello, I am recently married to a wonderful man, and we have been together for 14 years previous to our marriage.  Our sex life has been amazing mutually throughout and I am very reassured that I satisfy him completely, by his verbal and physical reassurances.  He consistently even after all this time together is able to be so aroused when we are intimate and ALWAYS asks me if I came during intercourse, and states that he feels me everytime, just likes to hear me tell him I did as well.

Okay so here is my question, recently he lifted a heavy item at work and hurt his back and one of his testicles were pretty swollen, well after a couple of days his testicle was back to normal, but now he is having a hard time keeping his erections? Is it possible that he was hurt or his blood flow is messed up as a result of this heavy lift at work? I try so hard not to put any more pressure on him about worrying that it may be me, but what more can I say I am a woman. When we make love it's amazing and he is so concerned about satisfying me, and it seems very genuine, but I will be performing falatio and he is enormously erect and then all of a sudden it's gone? this is just since the incident at work, he holds me so intimately and tells me over and over again how turned on he is by me, but I still have a twinge? can anyone offer any advice or suggestions? I would be ever so grateful to talk

Purpleones
Avatar universal
Hi ,your husband may have strain his lower back and cause him to have a a dullness in his groin.If this has happen when you preform oral on him ,oral being so intense that he is able to maintain.When you stop and go to normal sex the feeling is not as intense to him,and the dullness takes over and the erection takes a back seat.He may himself may not know how to explain what is going on.Also since he had swelling in his tesicle,then he very well may have incurred a prostate infection.If this has happen it would explain a lot.This can cause him to lose an erection,and not be able to preform.Also one last thought he may be having pain and not telling you about it,when he is receving oral he is relaxed and the pain is not so bad,but when he goes to do preform with you the pain then becomes intense and he loses the plump up!I would get him to see a doctor this could be cured with a little help.If he dont and it kepts happing then you will start thinking he is seeing other women.So make him go.Good luck!
Avatar universal
the fact that your boyfriend is looking at porn should not be an issue. he looked at porn before he met you, he is doing it now and he will continue doing it after you.( if u break up that is). it has nothing to do with u so dont personalize the issue. my wife and i have been together for four years and i still find her attractive and i still watch porno. at first she did not like it because she felt that the reason i was watching them was because i was no longer attracted to her. after i explained it to her she was okay with it and now we watch them together and she even has her own collection. as for your boyfriend losing his erection during sex i give this advise from personal experience: after being with the same girl for a long period of time sex becomes routine. what i mean is that you get to know what to expect from sex with that person. so you get a little bored. its like playing basketball with the same person every day, you still love the game but the challange is not there. sometimes porno is all you got that is different without actually finding a different partner. so my advise is next time u have sex do something different. something he would not expect. this will keep him interested and keep his willy from dwindeling. and for all the ladies RELAX it's just porno u want us to be faithful to u dont take everything from us.
Avatar universal
Hi..  I am writing this from personal experience and I am a happily married man.   My wife and I have had problems w/sex for about 3 years now.  I have been diagnosed w/low testosterone and we are seeing a sex counselor as well.  What I want to tell you is this.

1.  Don't blame yourself.  Men are built totally different than women and we are visual creatures.  We also like variety.  This is not an excuse for your boyfriend to mess around on you though.  Just wanted to give you some insight into the mind set of most men.

2.  Even though my Testosterone is low I still can have an erection but lose it  when my wife and I are having sex.  Part of the problem is my statement in #1 and part of the problem is that I have some resentment toward my wife.  I will not get into it but, it happened when we were first married and had nothing to do w/extra martial affairs.  My libido is also low and I attribut this to low T but, like I said I can have erections just fine.

Those two things lead me to this.  

1.  Make sure he is not harboring any anger or resentment to you.

2.  Is it harder to get him interested in sex than before?  If so,  when you do have sex how often does his erection go away?

If the answer to # 2 is "Yes" and "Often" then he might be losing interest in you.  I don't say this to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad but, it can happen.   I still love my wife dearly and am happy in our marriage except for sex.  My early years have probably made me this way.  (Looking at porn and being very sexually active) can over time mess w/your head.  This might be what has happened to him.  

My suggestion if you believe this is the case is get to a couselor.  If he truly loves you and wants to work it out he will go.  

                         Peace.
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