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Masturbation problem?

I have a problem that initially didn't bother me too bad, but now is.  I'm engaged to a man that's 57 years old (I'm 40).  We have a relatively good sex life, but the problem is that he hardly ever has an orgasm when he's with me.  And the only time he CAN is through masturbation - which he doesn't do very often WITH me (I think it embarrasses him).  He tells me that he masturbates on a fairly regular basis (daily), and doesn't have a problem having an orgasm.  We've dated for 6 years, and he still has the problem!!  He thinks it's because he's used to his own "touch".  He tries to not do it for a while before we have sex, thinking that it will help, but it doesn't.  I can't help the fact that it makes ME feel frustrated!  What can I do??
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Avatar universal
drop him and move on or join him and masterbate together
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Avatar universal
We've done that before.  I'm all for it, but he seems a little apprehensive and still has a hard time - I think because I'm there watching.  Six years is quite an investment in a relationship, and I wouldn't just "dump him" for something like this.  Are there any other men out there who have the same problem?  Come on guys, I need help here!!!  :-)
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Avatar universal
I don't understand how he can have sex and not climax.  I envy him for that.  Does he stay hard and just never climax or does he lose his erection during intercourse?  Do you have an orgasms when you have intercourse?  Why don't you let him hump you till you're sore and then finish him off by hand.
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Avatar universal
Normally he can maintain his erection the whole time, which is a bonus for me because I can have climax several times!  As far as your suggestion to "finish him off", I've tried that too.  Like I said, he's used to his own touch and I can't do it.  He said he's had this problem for a long time - even in his previous marriage.  He's convinced that it's a mental - not physical problem.  I guess I'm sunk, huh?
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79258 tn?1190630410
Why does it frustrate you? I suspect that frustration is probably only exacerbating any issues; he may have developed a pretty high level of anxiety about coming, which most definitely prevents any possibility of coming. This isn't about you. :-)

Mostly, I'm sure he's right; he's probably trained himself to come in one particular way. So, I'd suggest he try masturbating in new/different ways. Use lube, a looser grip, different materials, etc. Alternate the new method with the old. This will take a fairly long time, but I think that's fine. After all, he's had a lifetime to develop this pattern - it's not going to change overnight. I'd also suggest he make sure he focuses on whatever fantasies turn him on when having partner sex. Sometimes people think fantasizing is inappropriate during partner sex, and thus end up preventing their orgasm.

I'd also suggest you masturbate with each other. Make a big show of it. Let him know you LIKE seeing him masturbate (assuming you do). And definitely encourage him to watch you - it's likely going to be a huge turnon for him, and may help him feel more relaxed about masturbating in front of you.

You might also consider seeing a sex therapist. It sounds like both might have some misconceptions about sex/orgasm that a therapist could help you both work with.
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Avatar universal
I appreciate your suggestions...thank you.  The whole thing bothers me because I KNOW he can finish himself off but hardly ever does when he's with me.  I've told him several times that it's a turn on for me, and we HAVE masturbated together lots of times.  I enjoy it, but it gets frustrating because I can count on one hand the number of times that he's "finished" in front of me.  Honestly, I don't voice these concerns to him because I know it puts more pressure on him.  I guess if this relationship is going to continue, I'll have to take your suggestion and see a therapist.  Thanks again!
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Avatar universal
i think if your problem started when you are just married to him i would think that you should have acted earlier because you are both are getting old and while that the both of you will hardly reconsider the idea of medication  and visiting sex specialist, but you may try and i suggest that you try to touch him and let him feel  that you does exist though the process of his masturbation and try masturbate for him it will take some time but eventually it will work ..good luck
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Avatar universal
Huh?!?!?!?!
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Avatar universal
Just an update....things are going MUCH better for us!!  You really ARE the penis genius!!!  :-))  And the coochie guru, is it?
I guess even though we're old codgers, we still got it!  hee hee
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