Hi all. I don't even know where to begin. First i will tell you I was diagnosed st 12 years old and put in a nuthouse for several months with a form of bipolar and social phobia. I am 46 now.
I have struggled all of my life, but somehow managed to get through many years of college and full-time work for over 20 years. Back in 2000, I was getting so bad, my doctor advised me to apply for disability, but i really didn't want to deal with the red tape etc. I kept going and pushing myself until late 2005 and was forced to apply.
MY DIAGNOSES...SOME COULD BE COMORBID, SOME SEPARATE: They changed some over the years, but my final diagnoses that made sense to me and stuck with (I keep myself very informed on things, my brother had bp and committed suicide, and my dad was also sick and overdosed on seconals but lived with brain damage)
But here is the list: Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type..bipolar 1 mixed); severe panic disorder; major agoraphobia, social phobia and socio phobia (I went two years without even opening the door and during that time, my paranoia was so bad, I couldn't walk from one room to the restroom without carrying a gun with me); ADHD since childhood; severe obstructive sleep apnea and severe EDS/Narcolepsy; bouts of clinical depressive states (there were times I would be catatonic and not move for a day or more, and I would go a month without bathing, brushing, etc.). PHYSICALLY: Chronic pain disorder..major back problems...two unsuccessful surgeries; and a severely crushed left ulnar nerve that surgery didn't help.
And most of the serious meds I am on, i.e. oxycontin, oxycodone, adderall, valium etc. I have been on most of my life.
BUT, AND THIS IS WHAT I WAS NEEDING AN ANSWER FOR: Last year they put me on 80 mgs daily of Geodon and that was by far the worst schizophrenic/mania med i had ever been on. I was on it for a year until I couldn't take it anymore and weened myself off. I moved and still cannot find a shrink willing to work with me who takes medicaid, and the shrinks I did see said my conditions were too 'acute' to go to a stres center etc. (which i've been to many times). So my regular doctor is still giving me my scripts until I find one.
MOST IMPORTANT! WHY I STOPPED GEODON: All of those psychotropic drugs are horrid...more harm than good, but ever since they started me on Geodon, in the last year while taking it, i gained about 60 pounds in less than a year, I was a zombie, could not function; I suddenly had to start taking high blood pressure meds, synthroid for my hypothyroid; and another for very high cholesterol levels...I NEVER had problems with those three before until I was taking Geodon.
And worst of all, shortly after being put on Geodon, over the year, i have developed male breasts, and even the slightest touch to either of my nipples is so painful I can't take it. Even showering, if the water hits my nipples, it hurts...I don't know what is happening to me.
I have been off the Geodon for a little over a month now, but the paranoia and delusions are coming back, I do have a little more energy, but my breasts haven't shrunk and my nipples are as sore as ever. So sore and sensitive, I have to lay on my back with the covers just below my breasts. I can't sleep on my stomach or side because they rub against me and hurt. I still have absolutely no sex drive or arousal (I literally haven't even been on a date since my divorce over 7 years ago).
It's like my penis has reversed and gone inside itself instead of getting bigger or normal (like a turtle puts its head inside when scared). It has shrunk so bad, even when i use the restroom, it takes a minute or two to even 'dig' it out to pee...it's that bad. And many times a day, i feel I need to go, but i'll stand there for 5 minutes and nothing comes out and i give up.
I am at a loss. When I finally applied for disability in 2005/2006, I was first denied, so my attorney took it into appeal. Do you know how long the wait process is in indiana? I had to file a second claim in 2011 and it went through and they said it was 'permanent'.
Then, last month, i went to a hearing for my first claim i filed, and they granted it, but only from 2009 and not when i first applied in 05/06. And during that time, i could not work, so I used my savings and hocked everything to pay my credit bills until the money finally was gone. i talked to an attorney when that happened, and he said do not declare bankruptcy because in coming years i could have many doctor bills and he said chances are, the credit card banks would most likely jut write them off. But i think a couple took it to court..i don't know, because for a few years, i had no address and couldn't be contacted.
Now, I am going to get some back pay in a few weeks, but I MUST use it all to replace EVERYTHING! I literally don't even own fork or bed or couch or TV or kitchen utilities or towels...nothing. it's going to eat every cent up that i get in back pay literally..
i applied at a complex last month, explained everything (my credit used to be good, and on the report, it shows everything was being paid on time until all at once, the 5 or 6 I was paying on....it shows the payments all stopped in the same month when i ran out of money. But they fell through. After seeing my reports, i basically couldn't put something on lay-away at k-mart. And they said the only way i could get an apartment is if I had a co-signer AND paid them several months in advance. And when those apt's fell through, i asked my current landlord if I could stay month to month until i find a place, and he said no, he'd already rented out my apartment.
So here i am still with all the disabilities, looking at a couple years back pay instead of the 6 years it should have been paying $850/mo. at a furnished hotel looking for something permanent. i've used HUD and many others with not much luck.
And still the diseases are there.
i am totally lost.
Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Sorry for the short story here. Got carried away a bit
But please get back with me, i am on my own, walk with a cane full-time and really screwed.
So ny advice would be very valuable.
Thank you so much.
I have severe anhedonia, absolutely no interest in anything when I used to be very active sexually, physically, etc. But for years now I get absolutely no arousal from photos, no sex drive, i have shrunk down there to nothing, i haven't been hard in years, and even on 60 mgs of adderall per day, I can take them and still fall asleep 20 minutes later.
I have been on pretty much every typical and atypical anti-psychotic and anti-depressants most of my life