Mental Health Issues: Support For Families Community
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Avatar universal

Not sure what to do anymore?

This is a very long story and I will be as brief as possible.  My husband was diagnosed with clinical depression 5 years ago. I found him in the garden one day crying and saying he does feel the joy anymore. I knew he was having a rough time. My kids left home, his father died and he was putting up with a lot with his job.He was and is getting outside help along with meds.
I was honest with him and told him I knew very little about depression but I would help him when and if I could.  I noticed one day when my husband came home, he had beer breath.  I asked him about it and he told me that he had gone to see his friends sister.  I mentioned thatI felt given the circumstances, of his mental health, I did not think it was good if he visited this woman with out me.  I only say this because the woman was attracted to my husband and perhaps he was attracted to her.  He told me then that he would not go see her again. A year later I became suspicious. We had a total lack of sex going on and other behaviors were not making sense to me.  Well within three hours I had all his phone records printed with the womans # on the records. He was calling her all the time.  Hell he called right after I got on a plane.  I was soooo hurt but I knew I had to confront him. He lied at first then when I showed the phone records he had to come clean. We went for marriage advice and he assured me that it was not a sexual affair. He promised that there would be no further contact.  Two years later I caught him again. This time I want to leave him but after many hours and tears I decided to stay.
Again he said the relationship was platonic but that it was heading towards a sexual affair. I don't belive him because there is a total lack of intamacy going on in our house.  This was six months ago and I still am furious with him. I don't think I will ever trust him again. I don't trust him when he says I love you and I certainly donot trust that he won't do this again.I asked him to either text, email or go see this woman and tell her that the friendship was over and why it has to be this way.  I also told him to go back to the counselor.
The stupid thing is he is a good man that is truly messed up. I do love him with all my heart but my heart has been shattered. I just came back from a trip and he was acting strange. He said his depression is getting worse again and that it had to do with our finances. I  know we are in hot water and that is my cross to bear as he will not help out with the finances.I blew a gasket at him and pretty well called him every name in the book. All my anger that I had been holding in for five years came spilling out of me. we have been togeather for 35 years. This is all I know. I am scared for the both of us. Part of me wants to leave, part of me needs the truth about this other woman, and part of me wants to just stay in bed with the covers over my head until....I need advice badly.  
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Is it possible that he is able to talk to her about his issues where he feels unsafe talking to you about them. Or maybe his issues have to do with something in reference to you whereas he wouldn't be able to talk to you about them. You say you told him to go see his counselor. Why don't the both of you go see the counselor? Seems to me that maybe the issues might partly have something to do with you and he feels for some reason unable to talk to you about them for whatever reason. Are you open and non-judgmental when he tries to talk to you. Do you get on the defensive if he says something that you are doing that bothers him. I have depression. When I need someone to talk to, all I want from them is for them to listen so I can get it off my chest. I do not want advice. Or to be told "you need to get over it". Just listen and maybe every now and then repeat back what I said or confirm they understand what I am saying.   That being said, if u do Lloyd of that already, I strongly suggest marriage counseling if u want to save your marraige. Not just counseling for him alone.

It does sound like something is going on with this other woman. But maybe you can salvage the relationship with complete honesty and counseling.
Also the depression coming back again comment sounds like a "copout". Sounds to me like there's issues he's afraid to discuss with you.
Avatar universal
Or he is using it to get sympathy from you.
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