Hi all, i am having really a hard time due to long term depression and tremendous mess that i did that consumes me day by day.
I have bee dealing with mental health issues for quite a while. Anxiety and hypochondria which turned into crippling depression overtime. Last summer I did something terrible, unforgivable,evil. I was in a odd mental state and in desperation of feeling better i started to experiment with Ritalin , which led to abuse. One night i was wired and it made me horny, you guessed it; i cheated on my partner, the only person who was always there for me, i betrayed her. And not with anyone, a sex worker, which ended not being like the ads post and a old ugly heroin addict. And you know what i still did it.
I am a disgusting being. Why ? That's the question that is turning in my head , who will to this , especially considering that i have loving and attractive woman at my side. That night i did not come home, i went to cry like a baby sitting on the verge of the bridge contemplating suicide until a state trooper noticed me and picked me up.I went straight to psychiatrist that day. Once came home, i was not the same person anymore, my soul have jump that bridge. My loving wife asked me what happened. Being a coward and unable to justify this **** i acknowledged that i had depressive episode but could not confess, could not confess because im a coward but also because i genuinely don't know why would i do this. Was i looking for some kind of excitement and adventure to snap out of my depression ? But the worse thing is with who: a old repulsive drug addict that even consumed in front of my eyes. I am currently shaking while i write this i am repulsed by myself.
As mentioned, hypochondria is something that i struggle yet, that night i was an animal who had no consideration for consequence and tremendous pain. My depression hit all time low, i could not keep my job, i am mentally tortured by this, by the possibility of catching a disease and exposing the person that i love the most. I had to wait to test for everything 6 months, and it was hell, pure hell. Test came back clean, but there is no way to test HPV in men, you know the leading cause of cervical cancer? All of this eats me inside to the point that im not able to function. I went to see a physician and currently i take SNRI to treat this, but it does not help at all. I am broken.
Desperately i tried to blame my mental state and leave my soulmate, but she didnt understand why, and neither do i, i love her, so much. I suffer everyday with mental images of that incident that turn in my head on replay and i cannot forgive myself for this.